Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."

So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. When he felt the time was fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went.

He said, "Not to good. My wife bit off three inches of my d*ck, sh*t in my face and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands up, naked."

[scottiejohn]

[kickstart]

Chanal 7 Midnight News Headlines.

It was reported at 11 pm this evening,an earthquake hit the area around Chiang Mie, it lasted 15 seconds and measured 4.2 on the Richter Scale.

Social media is reporting that married women are saying ,it is the first they have felt the earth move since they have been married, and lasting 15 seconds.

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and finally whispered,

 

"How much do you want it to be?"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested.

"Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?"

"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer.

 

"I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $20 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear,

 

"Shut the <deleted> up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

Does anyone know where I can buy a dipstick.

 

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore.

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

14 hours ago, fasteddie said:

I usually end up with a Korean doggie bag, the only problem is that if its really fresh it begs to be let free and legs it.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY A WOMAN UNDERSTANDS

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands:

1. OTHER WOMEN

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

'Erector - with a little imagination, it's IDEAL' 1982

 

Hmmmm, didn't need one then, but now????

Maybe not so much hydraulics but dry-bol-ix LOL

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

"That’s a great place to work!" shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job.

"I get two weeks’ paid vacation."

"I’m so glad," said my mother.

"Yeah," added John.

 

 

"I can’t wait to find out where they send me."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die.

In order to get into heaven, though, they must go up 50 steps, each step

containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh until they reach the top.

 

The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell.

 

The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.

 

Finally, it's the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 49th step before she laughs.

God asks her, "You were so close, why did you laugh?"

 

She responds, "It just dawned on me what the first joke was"

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

Bumped into my old mate Dave the other day, he's only got one arm bless him, "where you off to Dave?" I asked him, "I'm off to change a lightbulb" he replied, well I just cracked up, "that's gonna be a bit difficult ain't it?" I said through the laughter, "not really he said, I've still got the receipt you rotten sod".