Worst Joke Ever

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[Chicog]

A man was watching a video, with a scene of a man walking into a church with creepy organ music playing in the background.

Suddenly he screamed: "NOOOOOO! DON"T GO IN THERE YOU BLOODY FOOL!".

The wife said "What are you watching"?

He replied "Our wedding video".

Edited October 22, 2012 by Chicog

[kevjohn]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs.

Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[kevjohn]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[kevjohn]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:

I'll have a brandy

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........................................................................................... and coke."

The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"

The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."

[Ron19]

Whats the world coming to..............

A mate of mine told me he had the Koran on C.D...........

I asked him if he could burn a copy for me and he read the riot act to me...?????????????

[Chicog]

This bloke's having a drink in a pub when an ugly bird comes up and starts chatting him up.

"Have you got a nickname?" she asks.

"Yes", he replies, "It's Sledge".

"Oooh is that because you're sleek and fast?" she winks.

"No, it's because I'm always getting pulled by dogs".

[Ron19]

Why she changed hotels

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons inPalm Beachand was a bit lonely. I thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs and a dazzling smile... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

“Hello, ma’am, how may I help you?” He even sounded sexy!

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. We’ll go all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?”

He says, “Oh my god... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line

[Ron19]

A really bad pun

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie’.

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down-payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unbeknownst to Artie, the proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!’

[Ron19]

Tea for two

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”. My Mum waited and, sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. My mum watches him drink it up, and then she says (as only a mother would know):

“Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

[Robby nz]

How do crabs cross the road?

On crutches.

[kevjohn]

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later.

His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

[kevjohn]

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[kevjohn]

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.

Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

[kevjohn]

Ronan kept going to the ophthalmic doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem.

The Doc told him, 'Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea.'

Ronan stuttered, 'But I love tea.'

The doctor replied, 'Okay, as long as you take the spoon out.'

[kevjohn]

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'

[kevjohn]

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

[kevjohn]

A blonde a brunet and a red haired women are all stranded on a desert island.

They find a lamp and rub it. A genie pops out and offers them all one wish.

The brunette says "I miss my family so I want to go home", then she is zapped home.

The red haired women says "I miss my family so I want to go home too" so she is zapped home.

Finally the blonde says "I am so lonely I wish my friends back"

[RedNIvar]

As the dentist leaned towards his patient to work on her teeth, he paused abruptly.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."

"I know," answered his patient sweetly,"so let's be very careful not to hurt each other!!"

[kevjohn]

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

[RedNIvar]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, " Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

[kevjohn]

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.

What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and we all had to do our own thinking."

[RedNIvar]

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole

a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he

sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain

time. Sadly, Paddy did not realize the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They

rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist

aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' read.........................................

************************

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

[kevjohn]

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole

a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he

sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain

time. Sadly, Paddy did not realize the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They

rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist

aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' read.........................................

************************

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

[warfie]

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole

a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he

sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain

time. Sadly, Paddy did not realize the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They

rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist

aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' read.........................................

************************

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

AND, I now officially hate you... Congratulations, mission accomplished!

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