15 hours ago, CantSpell said:

And I thought they were just trying smooth things over while paving the way to cement their relationship!

A man walks into a bar with a dog.

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."

"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
 "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.

"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him,

"What's on top of a house?"
 "Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."

The bartender is furious.

"Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says,

 

"Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
 

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans.

All of the hands go up except for one student.

"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Red Sox."

"Why's that?"

"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

 

"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
 

Q: What is the difference between the Yankee fan and dentists?
 A: One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.

Q: Why is it so hot at (insert team name)  games?
 A: Because there's not a fan in the place.

Q: How many American Football players does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: What do Tornados and Dallas Cowboy fans have in common?
 A: Sooner or later, they'll both end up in trailer parks!

Q: Why did the American Football team go to the phone booth?
 A: To get their quarter back.

Q: What beverage do football players drink?
 A: Penal-tea!

I was trying to chat up a sexy young lady and she looked at my beer belly and asked

Is it Fosters or Stella?

I said there's a tap underneath, why don't you taste it?

 

I was disappointed when I discovered that my Universal Remote Control

did not actually control the universe

25 minutes ago, laislica said:

I was trying to chat up a sexy young lady and she looked at my beer belly and asked

Is it Fosters or Stella?

I said there's a tap underneath, why don't you taste it?

 

Knowing the sylph like body you always claim to have I think she was "Fostering a like of your Stellar Belly".

PS;  Come on, tell us,  How did the tasting session go? Did it blow anyone's mind or anything else for that matter?

18 minutes ago, laislica said:

I was disappointed when I discovered that my Universal Remote Control

did not actually control the universe

Your just not pressing the correct buttons as the actress said to the bishop.

New world wife prayer:

"Dear Lord,

Please don't let my husband be home when all my online orders are delivered.

Amen"

18 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

Whose "knob" are we trying, or not, to turn (on)?

 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver‘s license. 
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like? she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It‘s square and it has your picture on It.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying:

 

"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

 

PS; you can substitute "blonde" with whatever race/nationality etc takes your fancy

A lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.  Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czech companion went down the path to the lake when along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. 

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the scene with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.  The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,  SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear - the Male one!" 

 

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
 

Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization and you know how to use it once.
5. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
8. You can always find a working chainsaw when you need one.
9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
10. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.