Worst Joke Ever

[kevjohn]

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push…!!!

[kevjohn]

This one should balance things for you, MJCM

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

[Dancealot]

I was at a dinner party one evening and became engaged in a conversation with a woman. The conversation took a turn for the worst and turned into an argument.

Finally, the lady very angrily told me. "Mr.. if you where my husband I'd poison your coffee"

I,.. without missing a beat said " If you where my wife, i would drink it"

That's not a joke, that's a Winston Churchill quote.

Ah they didn't have silly rules then....

Braddock: "Winston, you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk. "

Churchill: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."

You got me man! ;-)

[warfie]

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Please help me! I've got a problem."

The doctor examines the man and finds a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

"It's all cleared up," the man reports when he returns. "What was that medication you gave me?"

"Lipstick remover."

[laislica]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him: "What are you doing?!"

The cabbie answered: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so pi$$ off and wait for a camel!!"

[steveromagnino]

Two golfers playing on the 10th hole.

Golfer number 1 gets a phone call. "Oh no, my dad just died."

Golfer number 2, "what are you going to do?"

Golfer number 1 "This one's for pa"

[steveromagnino]

A man goes into the hospital.

"doctor, I seem to suffer from a slight personal problem. I keep letting loose these silent farts, but they don't smell and I want something to stop the farting please."

Doctor looks up and says, "I can prescribe something for the stomach issues, but first lets give you a hearing test and a check your sense of smell."

[Ron19]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Edited November 19, 2012 by Ron19

[kevjohn]

Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Florida.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”

He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you were better looking it would lift itself!”

[kevjohn]

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

“What’s wrong with you Luv, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from…”

“Well, if you’re not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”

“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!”

[kevjohn]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.’

[warfie]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm a schizophrenic

And I am too

[kevjohn]

A woman came home one day and told her husband:

“Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

Her husband asked her what it was and she told him it had water in the injectors.

The husband thought for a moment, then said:

“I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the injectors from the accelerator.”

“No, there’s definitely water in the injectors,” she insisted.

“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?” the husband asked.

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

“In the lake.”

[Ron19]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

______________________________________________________

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and

Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did

you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my

intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your

mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce

Court

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency

Room,

Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your

wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and

really Good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he

has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words

that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and

wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long

it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan

Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and

asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used

in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a

display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty

pounds since

I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my

husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an

all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

[laislica]

A bloke on his death bed and says to his wife he has a confession to make before he dies.

She says it's not necessary but he insists.

He said he had had sex with her sister, her best friend and her mother.

She said not to worry, she already knew.

That's why I poisoned you.

[laislica]

A retired gentleman went to the Dept. of Pensions Office to apply for his Pension [formerly O.A.P.!!!].

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

'I will have to go home and come back later' he said.

The woman says, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Pension application.

When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Pensions Office .....

She says, 'You should have dropped your pants.....

You might have got the Disability Pension, too.'

[laislica]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's

family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful

baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little

hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses".

[laislica]

Car Quiz

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on),

and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

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*

Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed.

*

[laislica]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

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The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[laislica]

A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy

[kevjohn]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

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The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Good one.....

[laislica]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

Straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

[laislica]

A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to, of all people, a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,

"It's golf balls".

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully

and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[laislica]

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor

of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,

before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers

in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver

returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and

spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very

fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What

is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to

him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver

takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this

time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters

the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are

indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last

request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone

Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him

square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass

horse.

For the last time . . .

BRING POSSEEEE'

[laislica]

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, So they go back toFred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back toschool'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.

[laislica]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck..

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't

mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's

pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing

round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the

duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn

more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his

bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,

bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says

to him, 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that

could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats

sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business

card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying

really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in

caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole

in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[laislica]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,

went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man

said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from

our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her

from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That

was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no=2 0need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with

sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice

on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what

You did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under

those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed

forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do

have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[laislica]

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....

Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You se e, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO SH1T.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[laislica]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh1t he always was.'

[laislica]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got! a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.