Worst Joke Ever

[overherebc]

What did the dog say when it sat on a the sandpaper

RUFF

[kevjohn]

A little boy asks his dad: "What's between moms legs?"

The father answers: "Paradise, my son"

The kid asks again: "What's between your legs?"

The father replies: "The key to the paradise"

The son says: "Piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!!"

[kevjohn]

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to

know and understand each other better since relations between them were very sour.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the daughters-in-law.

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably

for what they perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, “Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?”

To which she replied,

“No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!”

[kevjohn]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[kevjohn]

Different form of contraception!

A door to door poll taker asked a young housewife what form of contraception she and her husband used.

"We use the bucket and saucer method." Replied the woman.

"Gee," said the man, "I have never heard of that one before, can you explain it to me."

"Well, it works like this," replied the woman, "My husband is shorter than me so he has to stand on a bucket."

"I see," said the man, "What happens then?"

"And when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"

[kevjohn]

Good medical advice

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER ...

Fasting is good for health

&

may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind

[kevjohn]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist

And when we have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

[kevjohn]

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her panties.....

Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

[kevjohn]

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks:

"Mommy what's that?"

Somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the livingroom and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?"

Again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it."

O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play.

Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge."

Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"

Johnny proudly stated.

"The maid has got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

Edited November 27, 2012 by kevjohn

[kevjohn]

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a local bar.

The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says,

"You know where New York is?"

The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where that is"

The Newfie says, " Well baye, you just drive north of there about 6 hours,

turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're there in Newfoundland."

The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!"

The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "By gosh, I think you might be right.

I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"

[kevjohn]

Some Seniors, as well as younger folks, might be interested in this site...

I accidentally found this porn site (after looking half the night).

I feel that you're old enough and mature enough to handle this.

Check it out, you will not be disappointed, but one must be patient as we all have learned throughout our sex lives.

http://mr-desi.com/fun_pages/freeporn.html

[benbear]

A play on Thai slang on this joke

Where does a Thai criminal go on holiday?

Hong Kong

(Now this is so bad you need to know Thai slang)

[warfie]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist

And when we have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

I notice that they blame all their problems on us....

[sunshine51]

Why Wives Shouldn't Go Deer Hunting

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go

bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a

cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there,

fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he has many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to

take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San

Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and

tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim at it and I'll come running

back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag

an elephant -- much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back.

As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get the hell

away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.

And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed

by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a

Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have

your fuc_kin’ deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!

[laislica]

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

[laislica]

OK back to the topic Worst Joke Ever

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

[laislica]

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."

[laislica]

Now if you thought those were bad, try this:

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local Marshall who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the Marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."

[warfie]

OK back to the topic Worst Joke Ever

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Well done!

[kevjohn]

One day a man and his wife needed to type in a password so that they could login on.

So the husband tries to be funny so he types in “penis”

.

His wife literally falls on the ground laughing when the computer replies

“PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH”

[kevjohn]

A blonde visited the bank to close her account because she was convinced the institution was going under.

When asked by a shocked manager why she thought so, she produced one of her checks, endorsed by the bank, “Insufficient funds.”

[kevjohn]

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab,

run back and bang on the trailer door.

After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.

The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit,

so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."

Edited November 28, 2012 by kevjohn

[scottishjohn]

Now if you thought those were bad, try this:

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local Marshall who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the Marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."

Why the weird font sizes?. The last two 'jokes' are unreadable!

[laislica]

A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

[laislica]

A duck and a chicken were at the side of the road. The duck was about to cross when the chicken said "Dont do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

the wife asked me to go out shoping for something to make her look sexy. you should have seen her face when i came back with 12 cans.

My son was asked to do a farmyard impression at school today, apparently 'Get the <deleted> off my land you pikey b****d' wasn't quite what the teacher was expecting.

[kevjohn]

A man goes into Whitcouls book store and asks the young lady assistant:

"Do you have the new book written especially for men with small penises? I can't remember the title."

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."

[warfie]

Now if you thought those were bad, try this:

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local Marshall who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the Marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."

Why the weird font sizes?. The last two 'jokes' are unreadable!

agreed, have pity on us old farts!

[wayned]

Changed the font size for you, but shouldn't have wasted the effort!

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local Marshall who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the Marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."

[laislica]

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So . . . . here I am !

PS Written in BIG for the OLD FARTS

Edited November 29, 2012 by laislica

[laislica]

I did repost in a larger size. This is the default size.

What size would you prefer?

Could this be 14 as the default?

This is 18

This is 24

36 seems rather over the top