laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 (This one should hit the spot) A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that's beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: " use the ATM" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Phone rings and a woman answers.A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair!!"Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching football - who shall I say is calling?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Got off with a gypsy girl last night , she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time, she wasn't bloody kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, and the ghost train! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 A bloke goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."Startled to be put on so much medication the man stammers, "F'ing hell, Doc, what's my problem?"The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to free himself, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 There is a new trend called 'Anal Bleaching' Normally i'd be against such activity, but some a'holes really do need to lighten up..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist."Could you taste this for me, please?"The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it."Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy."No, not at all," says the chemist."Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Two irishmen paddy n mick are having a drink watching the football in micks house. At full time paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain," stay the night here paddy,i'll go and make up a bed for ye"When mick came back down the stairs paddy was drenched to the skin,Mick says " what the xxxx happened to you"Paddy says " I went home for my pyjamas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Scientists have revealed today that they have found a newdrug for depressed lesbians; it's called Trydixagain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is drivinghome from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over." So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?""Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk." Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quitea few to drink this evening."" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile."Did you know," says the cop, standing straight andfolding his arms across his chest,that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?""Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk."For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I was sexually active at 12.Its now 12:40 and my wrist is sore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I was in a music shop today, I bought a copy of 'Ice Ice Baby' by Vanilla Ice."I've been looking for this everywhere." I said, "It's a present."The assistant asked, "Would you like me to wrap it?""Go ahead," I replied, "You can't be any worse than Vanilla Ice anyway." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Beechams cold relief tablets are f'ing xxxx...I've just eaten a whole packet and I'm still freezing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 My wife said she's exhausted after a day at home with Mr Sheen and Mr Muscle.Now I don't feel so guilty about getting a blow job from my secretary at lunch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 "See a penny pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck."Well that didn't work for me when I spotted one on the floor of the prison showers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I told my mate that I'm having problems in the bedroom, being a doctor he prescribed me Viagra.How the hell's that going to assemble my new wardrobe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 My porn star friend recently passed away.As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I call my wife "Dyson"All she does is make lots of noise and won't suck 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 I ordered some pills against premature ejaculation a month ago but they still haven't come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 Q. Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?A. About 4 inches Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted May 5, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted May 5, 2013 ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THISJust try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.Am I wrong?So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.The directions said that:a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; anda three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.Note:If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,one note of caution:There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!A three second burst would be considered conservative!A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.· I had no control over the drooling.· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ron19 Posted May 10, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted May 10, 2013 How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher. I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ' ' NO!' the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO! ' If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven? Again, they all answered ' NO! ' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? ' A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...." It's a curious race, the Irish. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Ron19 Posted May 10, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted May 10, 2013 This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!' 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron19 Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 An old geezer stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"... "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Wh...ere in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '59." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '59, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The old O'Malley twins are drunk again." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 10, 2013 Share Posted May 10, 2013 A big game hunter walked in the bar and braggedto everyone about his hunting skills. The man wasundoubtedly a good shot and no one could disputethat. But then he said that they could blindfold himand he would recognize any animal’s skin from itsfeel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he wouldeven tell them what caliber the bullet was thatkilled the animal.The hunter said that he was willing to prove it ifthey would put up the drinks, and so the bet wason.They blindfolded him carefully and took him to hisfirst animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments,he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet holeand declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.They brought him another skin, one that someonehad in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this timeand then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Hewas right again. Through the night, he proved hisskills again and again, every time against a roundof drinks.Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up andsaw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night,but not drunk enough to get in a fight and notremember it. Where did I get this black eye?”His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You gotinto bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddledaround a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killedwith an axe.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted May 10, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted May 10, 2013 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 My angry wife met me at the door. There was alcohol on my breath and lipstick on my collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," I replied. "Breakfast". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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