(This one should hit the spot)

A man asks a trainer in the gym:

"I want to impress that's beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

Trainer replies: " use the ATM"

Phone rings and a woman answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair!!"


Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching football - who shall I say is calling?"

Got off with a gypsy girl last night ,

she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time,

she wasn't bloody kidding.

I went on the dodgems, waltzers, and the ghost train!

A bloke goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medication the man stammers, "F'ing hell, Doc, what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to free himself, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.

There is a new trend called 'Anal Bleaching'
Normally i'd be against such activity, but some a'holes really do need to lighten up.....

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.


"Could you taste this for me, please?"


The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.


"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.


"No, not at all," says the chemist.


"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Two irishmen paddy n mick are having a drink watching the football in micks house. At full time paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain,

" stay the night here paddy,i'll go and make up a bed for ye"
When mick came back down the stairs paddy was drenched to the skin,

Mick says " what the xxxx happened to you"

Paddy says " I went home for my pyjamas

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians; it's called Trydixagain.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

I was sexually active at 12.

Its now 12:40 and my wrist is sore

I was in a music shop today, I bought a copy of 'Ice Ice Baby' by Vanilla Ice.

"I've been looking for this everywhere." I said, "It's a present."

The assistant asked, "Would you like me to wrap it?"

"Go ahead," I replied, "You can't be any worse than Vanilla Ice anyway."

Beechams cold relief tablets are f'ing xxxx...

I've just eaten a whole packet and I'm still freezing.

My wife said she's exhausted after a day at home with Mr Sheen and Mr Muscle.

Now I don't feel so guilty about getting a blow job from my secretary at lunch

"See a penny pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck."

Well that didn't work for me when I spotted one on the floor of the prison showers.

I told my mate that I'm having problems in the bedroom, being a doctor he prescribed me Viagra.

How the hell's that going to assemble my new wardrobe?

They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

I call my wife "Dyson"
All she does is make lots of noise and won't suck

I ordered some pills against premature ejaculation a month ago but they still haven't come.

Q. Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A. About 4 inches

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?

How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ' '

NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO! '

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered ' NO! '

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '

A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

An old geezer stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"... "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Wh...ere in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '59." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '59, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The old O'Malley twins are drunk again."

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged
to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was
undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute
that. But then he said that they could blindfold him
and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its
feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would
even tell them what caliber the bullet was that
killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was
on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his
first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments,
he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole
and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone
had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time
and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He
was right again. Through the night, he proved his
skills again and again, every time against a round
of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,
and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and
saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night,
but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not
remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got
into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled
around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed
with an axe.”

My angry wife met me at the door.

There was alcohol on my breath and lipstick on my collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," I replied.

"Breakfast".

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin,

I said how can you tell them apart, he said

"her brothers got a moustache!"