ozsamurai Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor."Are you my doctor?" he asked."Yes, I am," said the doctor.The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?""Yes, I am," said the mother."Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?""Yes, I am," his father answered.The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it!?!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ozsamurai Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:Defrost the chicken.. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaddeus Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 1 Millihelen is the amount of beauty needed to launch a single ship. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay."What the <deleted> are you doing Mick?" says Paddy."Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, but me and the missus been having sometrouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governorhad failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.He whirled around and screamed,"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wayned Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 WonderYears.jpg Says it all! Not a joke! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post silver sea Posted August 19, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 19, 2014 Hey, guys, do you want to hear some chimney jokes? I've got a stack of them ... the first one is on the house. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loong Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League Landmark use of a urinal: 1 Millipeed Had a race with Grandma, I : won nanasecond Conversation in an old folks home: mega "What"s ? Easily dividing a foot into 12 equal lengths: A cinch Matching Amplifiers: 1 Ampair 10 campanologists: a Decibell Time difference between husband being ready to go out and wife ready: 1 HundredWait Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigurris Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 A muslim, an African and a Londoner walking on the beach and they find a lamp. They pick it up, rub it and a genie pops out. He sees the three guys and says, " Normally I give the finder of the lamp 3 wishes but since there are 3 of you, you can have one wish each. The Muslim goes first, " I would like all the muslims of the world to return to the birthplace of Mohammed and live there in peace for the rest of time". The Genie clicks his fingers and says, "It is done.". The African goes next. " I would like all the blacks of the world to return to the birthplace of Man, Africa and live there in peace for the rest of time". The Genie clicks his fingers and says, "It is done.". The Londoner says to the Genie, " Let me get this straight. All the Muslims in the world are now in Mecca and will stay there?" The Genie says," That is correct". " And all the blacks in the world are now in Africa and will stay there?" "Also correct" says the genie. "So what is your wish?" The Londoner thinks for a monent and says . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " I'll have a coke with ice please". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 Sex in multi storey car parks is wrong on so many levels 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitawatWatawit Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 1 Millihelen is the amount of beauty needed to launch a single ship. A lethal weight : a kill-o-ton 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 I hired a new cleaner last week. Unfortunately, it takes her all day to hoover the house ... maybe it's because she's a Slovak. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 As I was leaving the shop, the store detective stopped me."I've reason to believe you stole this" he said, pulling a bonsai tree from my pocket."I've never seen that before!" I protested, "Somebody must have planted it on me" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted August 21, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 21, 2014 I found one of my dads old porno videos today.Did you know, back in the 70's they used to use pubic hair to censor out the genitals? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Boyfriend-...... ''i want to tell you something that i haven't told anyone,....... I'm seeing a psychiatrist''.Girlfriend-...... ''I need to tell you something too, I'm seeing the milkman,a plumber and a gas man ...'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Technically a mugshot can be considered a cellfie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 What's the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard?One's in Dire Straits. The other's in Deep Shit 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted August 21, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 21, 2014 Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.Fingers crossed its just child porn and not new music. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted August 21, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 21, 2014 A salesman knocked on my door today."Who is your current internet provider?" He asked."My next door neighbour." I replied. (True stories are best LOL) 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loong Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Knock, knock.Who’s there?Lettuce.Lettuce who?Lettuce in it’s hot out here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loong Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Knock, knock.Who’s there?Ya.Ya who?I'm glad that you are happy to see me, but no need to get so excited! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post loong Posted August 22, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 22, 2014 Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold water?A: Hot, because you can catch cold. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) Knock, knock.Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce? Yes, lettuce us alone, we are newly weds! Edited August 22, 2014 by laislica 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post loong Posted August 22, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 22, 2014 How did Moses part the red sea? He used a sea saw 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Knock, knock.Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce? Yes, lettuce us pray. (I´m a priest!) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loong Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 10 people only had one small umbrella between them. How is it that they all managed to stay dry? It wasn't raining! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loong Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 What did the zero say to the number 8? "Isn't that belt a bit tight?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loong Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 (edited) Teacher: John, where on the map is The United States?John: It is there.Teacher: Correct. Now Amanda, who discovered The United States?Amanda: John. Edited August 22, 2014 by loong 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.png.3b3332cc2256ad0edbc2fe9404feeef0.png)
.thumb.jpg.bc523c85a8d558dbc282dca7a2e602c9.jpg)
Recommended Posts