ozsamurai Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 and finally for today... did he really go there? The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help, I will do."The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."President Obama laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Man loses his dog. Puts an ad in the paper: "Here Boy". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post silver sea Posted August 31, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted August 31, 2014 This is a sight joke, but has a strong groan factor, as in "that's the worst joke ever" type of groan. Warfie, who started this column (gone but not forgotten), would be very proud! I am currently back in the UK for a short time, and saw this guy driving around and so did a google search. In British English, if you want to tone down the word "bloody" you can say "ruddy" as in "Ruddy Hell" or, if like me, you come from Essex, and so drop your h's, then you would say "Ruddy 'ell". If learning to drive in the UK, you have to display, front and back, a red L on a white background on your car. This bloke, Nick Ruddy, is a driving instructor and so he calls his business ... ... wait for it: 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottishjohn Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent. Who's "P" is silent? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent. Who's "P" is silent? It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 My doctor told me I was paranoid ... Well, he didn't actually say that, but I know he was thinking it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Thaimaishoe Posted September 3, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted September 3, 2014 Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent. Who's "P" is silent? It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread. I would venture to agree we think of women a LOT here. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Thaimaishoe Posted September 3, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted September 3, 2014 Guy calls his Dr. "Doc, I think my wife has died!" Doc, "Why do you think she's dead?" "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottishjohn Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent. Who's "P" is silent? It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread. I know it was. That is why I was actually taking the "P" ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 (edited) Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent. Who's "P" is silent? It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread. I know it was. That is why I was actually taking the "P" ! And there was me thinking you were the dour Scot, who had misplaced his funny bone, when in fact you're quite the jaunty Jock! ? Edited September 3, 2014 by silver sea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 "Always leave them wanting more." That's what my uncle used to say to me ... which is why he lost his job in disaster relief. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Thaimaishoe Posted September 3, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted September 3, 2014 When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Struth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank". They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, t he remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F U K).In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, Westminster has now begun to campaign with the slogan: "Vote NO, for F U K's sake" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 I dropped a box of maltesers at a weight watchers meeting last night.It was like watching a live game of Hungry Hippos! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 And now, back to topic! Two parrots standing on a perch, one says to the other.."by this fookin fish stinks" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 South Yorkshire Police have just issued a formal apology to Sir Cliff Richard -At the time of the raid they weren't aware he'd spent so much time outside the UK he qualified for recognition as an immigrint 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitawatWatawit Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent. Who's "P" is silent? It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread. I would venture to agree we think of women a LOT here. Or Bombay bloomers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted September 4, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted September 4, 2014 Injury lawyers 4u are shit. when our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence they told me to take a photo of her gash. Guess who´s in court tomorrow. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post laislica Posted September 4, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted September 4, 2014 Just got in and found my wife dead.... So I decided to have sex with her one last time...... Suddenly she opened her eyes and said "BOO!"...... Honestly some people are just sick in the head! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post bkkmick Posted September 4, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted September 4, 2014 I was watching my wife drawing her eyebrows and I said "they look a little high". She looked surprised. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffy D Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 (edited) This has got to be the best story this week:- Giant Panda Accused of Faking Pregnancy for Extra Buns A giant Chinese panda has been accused of faking a pregnancy in a cunning bid for free buns. Ai Hin seemed to display all the signs of an expectant mother, including moving less and initially having a smaller appetite The keepers at Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Research Centre were said to be so excited at the prospect of the pregnancy they prepared to film the birth. However, it seems that Ai Hin had everyone duped and was never pregnant at all. It seems the panda had learnt that her pregnancy news would see her rewarded with plenty of extra buns. Wu Kongju, a panda expert told China's state news agency Xinhua that giant pandas are moved into a single room with air conditioning when pregnant. "They also receive more buns, fruits and bamboo, so some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life." Where's the joke you ask The joke is on the zoo keepers but as they are not Thai related there is no joke, so this must be the Worst Joke Ever Story:- https://uk.news.yahoo.com/giant-panda-accused-faking-pregnancy-extra-buns-191248068.html#S2UP8fr Edited September 5, 2014 by Daffy D 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silver sea Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 Crazy paving - is it all it's cracked up to be? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laislica Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. " Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong. " She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riceyummm Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 (edited) "Shit.....I should have left the weed in the car!" Edited September 6, 2014 by riceyummm 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post riceyummm Posted September 6, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted September 6, 2014 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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