This has probably been posted before. I'm getting old and don't remember, that's the downside. The upside is that I can go back to page one and laugh at all the new jokes for the fifth time.

How do you know it's the 5th time and not the first?

This has probably been posted before. I'm getting old and don't remember, that's the downside. The upside is that I can go back to page one and laugh at all the new jokes for the fifth time.

How do you know it's the 5th time and not the first?

Wait.........WHAT?.......HMMMMM.......

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1935269-bad-lip-reading-is-back-with-another-hilarious-nfl-version

http://

As it would seem to be 'pick on people from different countries' day

I would ask :

How do you grease a Fiat ?

Run over an Italian.

A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, " 'Congratulations on your new location down under'."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy".

Did you know that Hitler was also a terrible golfer - he couldn't get out of the bunker.

Edited May 4, 201412 yr by jukebox

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think

my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and

reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked

all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is

dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady

asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Better version goes similarly:

Oz guys rushes into the vets and says hIs pet kangaroo is ill.

The doc says, no, it`s dead.

"NO, it can`t be!" says the Oz. "Run some tests!"

So the doc pulls a kitten out of a box and sets it on the examination table. The cat mews sadly. and

the doc says "Now do you believe me?"

The Oz says "I want a second opinion!"

So the doc gives a whistle and a Labrador wanders into the surgery. The doc lifts him up and the dog gives a mournful howl.

"NOW do you believe me?" says the doc.

"OK, I guess he really is dead. how much do I owe you?"

"$345."

"What!!??" How come?

"$45 for the visit and 300 for the cat scan and the lab test".

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

JOKES GUARANTEED TO OFFEND

(Sorry if these have been run before, and sorry if some really DO offend - and sorry that I don't have MORE)

Q. What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?

A. Not being crippled.

Q. What's blue and <deleted> old people?

A. Hypothermia

Q. What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?

A. The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q. How do you swat 200 flies at one time

A. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q. What do 540,000 abused women every year have in common?

A. They don't listen.

Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

A. Gonorrhoea

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?

A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why do gays like ribbed condoms?

A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?

A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at

least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?

A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic stag party?

A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?

A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach kids driver's education and sex education

on the same day in Iraq?

A. It's too hard on the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish

wife?

A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?

A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?

US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5

inches. That's an exceedingly odd number

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England,

and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were

built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's

the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the

tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,

which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if

they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of

the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the

wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long

distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have

been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,

which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the

matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived

from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And

bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that

way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right,

because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to

accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a space shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big

booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are

solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their

factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred

to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the

factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the

mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly

wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is

about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major space shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most

advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by

the width of a horse's ass!

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!!

Good old Carlos The Tackle.

Carlos Spencer goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team
mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble
getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just
beaten Wales and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's
only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered". Carlos looks at them
and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat
these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the New
Zealand team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the
game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on. A big cheer
goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 (Spencer - 10
minutes - Converted Try)". He is beating Australia all by himself!

Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten
until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Carlos got
on". They put the telly back on. "Result from the Stadium: New Zealand 7
(Spencer 10 minutes) - Australia 7 (Sailor 79 minutes)". They can't believe
it, Carlos has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the
dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses
to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." says Carlos. "Don't
be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only
scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team. "No, No, I have"
says Spencer, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think

my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and

reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked

all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is

dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady

asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Better version goes similarly:

Oz guys rushes into the vets and says hIs pet kangaroo is ill.

The doc says, no, it`s dead.

"NO, it can`t be!" says the Oz. "Run some tests!"

So the doc pulls a kitten out of a box and sets it on the examination table. The cat mews sadly. and

the doc says "Now do you believe me?"

The Oz says "I want a second opinion!"

So the doc gives a whistle and a Labrador wanders into the surgery. The doc lifts him up and the dog gives a mournful howl.

"NOW do you believe me?" says the doc.

"OK, I guess he really is dead. how much do I owe you?"

"$345."

"What!!??" How come?

"$45 for the visit and 300 for the cat scan and the lab test".

Ah, I see a Newbie.....

This thread is The Worst Joke Ever - not the best LOL

This must qualify as the 'bes't collection of worst worst jokes ever!

If it's not; please 'beat i'!t

JOKES GUARANTEED TO OFFEND

(Sorry if these have been run before, and sorry if some really DO offend - and sorry that I don't have MORE)

Q. What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?

A. Not being crippled.

Q. What's blue and <deleted> old people?

A. Hypothermia

Q. What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?

A. The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q. How do you swat 200 flies at one time

A. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q. What do 540,000 abused women every year have in common?

A. They don't listen.

Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

A. Gonorrhoea

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?

A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why do gays like ribbed condoms?

A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?

A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at

least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?

A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?

A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic stag party?

A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?

A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach kids driver's education and sex education

on the same day in Iraq?

A. It's too hard on the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish

wife?

A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?

A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

Our Phones ~ Wireless

Cooking ~ Fireless

Cars ~ Keyless

Tires ~ Tubeless

Dress ~ Sleeveless

Youth ~ Jobless

Leaders ~ Shameless

Relationships ~ Meaningless

Attitude ~ Careless

Wives ~ Fearless

Babies ~ Fatherless

Feelings ~ Heartless

Education ~ Valueless

Children ~ Mannerless

Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are ~ Endless.

In fact we are ~ Speechless

And Government is ~ CLUELESS!!

And our Politicians are ~ WORTHLESS!!

So there it is.

Welcome to the 21st Century!

Plus my 2 cents worth, our Youth of today are THANK LESS

I have a friend who has a cry every time after sex.

My girlfriend says it's because he's sensitive.

I say it's because he's in prison.

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, and you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant......

....."I've just realised I was playing you the B side."

So bad its a good one

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud,

I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven ' t been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that ' s when the fight started....

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment. '

The husband replies, ' Your eyesight ' s damn near perfect. '

And then the fight started....

Q. What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?

A. Banned from the petting zoo.

Q. What do you call a black man on the moon.

A. An astronaut you racist bastard.

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

---

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."