Worst Joke Ever

[silver sea]

This bloke said to me, "I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar", so I said, "Is that a fret?"

[Thaimaishoe]

Neutron walks into a bar.

Bartender sets his beer down.

Neutron says "Great, what do I owe you"

Bartender says "For you.... No Charge."

[loong]

Should CP Group be listed on the SET as chicken stock?

Insider joke?

Please explain.

I used to work for Reuters and we had tla's for everything, I got sick of them.

Plain English please LOL

Tla's = three letter acronyms

The Brit Navy had even 5 letters HOVPU, they had not learned to combine tla's LOL

Which is of course a helicopter operator's voice processing unit, (could be found on an aircraft carrier).

The ACC became the TDC or through deck cruiser, when the Gov said there would be no more ACC's because they were too expensive!

(OK, I'll get my coat)

(Don't blame me, you started it)

SET, the Thai stock exchange?

Why is it in TV programs that they say GSW instead of Gun Shot Wound. It takes longer to say GSW ??

[laislica]

Should CP Group be listed on the SET as chicken stock?

Insider joke?

Please explain.

I used to work for Reuters and we had tla's for everything, I got sick of them.

Plain English please LOL

Tla's = three letter acronyms

The Brit Navy had even 5 letters HOVPU, they had not learned to combine tla's LOL

Which is of course a helicopter operator's voice processing unit, (could be found on an aircraft carrier).

The ACC became the TDC or through deck cruiser, when the Gov said there would be no more ACC's because they were too expensive!

(OK, I'll get my coat)

(Don't blame me, you started it)

SET, the Thai stock exchange?

Why is it in TV programs that they say GSW instead of Gun Shot Wound. It takes longer to say GSW ??

GSW, exactly, LOL

But CP Group as chicken stock - I am lost here LOL

(and I tried Google)

[billd766]

Should CP Group be listed on the SET as chicken stock?

Insider joke?

Please explain.

I used to work for Reuters and we had tla's for everything, I got sick of them.

Plain English please LOL

Tla's = three letter acronyms

The Brit Navy had even 5 letters HOVPU, they had not learned to combine tla's LOL

Which is of course a helicopter operator's voice processing unit, (could be found on an aircraft carrier).

The ACC became the TDC or through deck cruiser, when the Gov said there would be no more ACC's because they were too expensive!

(OK, I'll get my coat)

(Don't blame me, you started it)

SET, the Thai stock exchange?

Why is it in TV programs that they say GSW instead of Gun Shot Wound. It takes longer to say GSW ??

GSW, exactly, LOL

But CP Group as chicken stock - I am lost here LOL

(and I tried Google)

Think of an oxo cube as a meat stock and progress from there.

[Rykbanlor]

Whats green and has wheels?

[Rykbanlor]

Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.

[Rykbanlor]

You hear about the dyslexic bulimic?

She choked on her own Vimto

[Rykbanlor]

Ever hear of the Dyslexic devil worshipper?

Sold his soul to Santa

[laislica]

Two blokes talking in a bar.
Bob : "I can't really remember the last time I did something really, really enjoyable."
Phil: "I can."
Bob : "Oh yeah? When was that?"
Phil: "Last night when I kissed my mother-in-law goodnight."
Bob : "Feking hell! What's so enjoyable about that?!?"
Phil: "I had a cigarette in my mouth at the time."

[laislica]

Pick-up lines for ugly chicks

Guy: Did it hurt?


Girl: What? When I fell from heaven?


Guy: No, when you chewed out of your cage

[laislica]

A group of guys and a girl were watching football, and one guy was surprised at how the girl knew as much as them about football so he asked her 'How do you know so much about football'
She replied 'Well, I used to be a guy once. Then I got a sex change'
'Wow. Did it hurt when they cut your penis off?'
'That hurt a lot, but that wasn't the most painful part'
'Did it hurt most when they cut your balls off?'
'That was very painful, but not the most painful part'
'What was the most painful part?'
'When they cut... my salary in half.'

[laislica]

A guy and a girl were planning on going on a date to a new restaurant. The girl got ready and waited for her date to come pick her up. She waited for almost an hour and realised she got stood up. So she took off all her makeup and put up her hair in a bun. She slipped into her pyjamas, made some popcorn, and watched tv.

Ten minutes later the doorbell rang, and sure enough it was the guy coming to pick her up. He looked her up and down and said, "Really? I'm an hour late and you're STILL not ready!?"

[laislica]

A blond, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.

They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie.

He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first.

"I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!"

"Okay," replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went, "I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!" And off she went.

The blond started crying and said, "I wish my friends were back here!"

[laislica]

Life in Thailand?

I´d been stuck on an island for 2 weeks.

Only then was it safe to cross the other half of the road.

[laislica]

More life in Thailand?

I was stuck on an island with three women we had been there for what seemed like days all of them looked fed up and exhausted

so I did the kindest thing and only thing I could by putting them out of their misery painlessly as possible.

Judge: Then what did you do?

Me: Crossed the feking road.

[laislica]

My mate was asked today,
If he was stuck on an island with Gary Glitter, Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler, and he had a gun but only 2 bullets, what would he do?
He said "I'd shoot Bieber twice"

Personally I'd double tap Hitler and leave Bieber to be Glitter's plaything

[laislica]

My friend asked me if I thought I would be able to survive if I was stuck on an island in the middle of the sea.

"Of course I could" I replied, pointing out the UK to him on a map.

[laislica]

My friend asked me what I thought was the best way to pick up chicks.

I suggested a hand beneath their webbed feet and one behind their back for support.

[laislica]

I asked my katoey friend what he thought was the best part of a married woman.

He replied the husband.

[laislica]

i asked my wife what she thought were the best things in the world her reply was :

A Child's laugh, Breathtaking Sunsets, to love and be loved,Family, Health what about you? she asked

i replied

Sex, Shitting and Chicken Dippers

[laislica]

I asked my girlfriend, what she thought of

'The Thick Girlfriend Jokes, Bandwagon'

that were appearing on the internet today,and she asked me what type of music they played.

It's a good job she's got great tits.

[laislica]

There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road.

The first hedgehog said "I've got this really cool game we can play" the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car drove over him.

The hedgehog said "now its your turn" "no way that's to scary" said the second hedgehog.

"No look, it's really easy" said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him.

The first hedgehog said "look there's a car coming now its your turn" the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball.

SPLAT.

3 wheeled car.

[laislica]

There were two blonds who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with death, one blond turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see.

I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

[laislica]

The British bank bail-outs explained in a very good analogy:

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at £20 each.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each!

However, since he had to go to the USA on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected.

I will sell them to you at £35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion Baht.

Strange as it may seem, they never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

[laislica]

I asked the barman "Do you have a big black dog with a white collar in this town?".

He replied "No". I turned to my mate and said "There you go, i told you it was a vicar we ran over".

[WitawatWatawit]

Should CP Group be listed on the SET as chicken stock?

Insider joke?

Please explain.

I used to work for Reuters and we had tla's for everything, I got sick of them.

Plain English please LOL

Tla's = three letter acronyms

The Brit Navy had even 5 letters HOVPU, they had not learned to combine tla's LOL

Which is of course a helicopter operator's voice processing unit, (could be found on an aircraft carrier).

The ACC became the TDC or through deck cruiser, when the Gov said there would be no more ACC's because they were too expensive!

(OK, I'll get my coat)

(Don't blame me, you started it)

SET, the Thai stock exchange?

Why is it in TV programs that they say GSW instead of Gun Shot Wound. It takes longer to say GSW ??

GSW, exactly, LOL

But CP Group as chicken stock - I am lost here LOL

(and I tried Google)

Sorry - late reply.

Yep, SET is Stock Exchange of Thailand. CP= Charoen Pokphand, Thailand's largest employer of chicken sexers.

Sorry for being obscure. I hd 2 lrn shrthnd whn I ws yng. So acronyms I lke. (No, I'm not a secretary, but if you blow in my ear, I'll sit on your lap.)

[Thaimaishoe]

Hydrogen Atom walks into a bar

says "Bartender, I've lost an electron!"

Bartender says, "You sure?"

"I'm Positive!"

[ozsamurai]

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it."

[ozsamurai]

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice."

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"