It's Silent Treatment Time (again!)

[gazz]

Eek – nice to get a feminine perspective on this, I tend to agree with letting it work itself out. Although I talked about seeking comfort elsewhere, that doesn't mean I'd actually do it. I've been married twice, for 22 years, and now 10, and have never cheated on either of them, or in any other shorter time relationship I've had either. Probably like most other people, male & female, I've had opportunities over the years, but have never taken them. Talking and doing are different things.

Tokay, Latindancer & Roadman, Couldn't really do this, would upset her family, who all live around us, and they'd lose undeserved face with the rest of the village. Her family have always been good to me, they don't deserve to be made to look bad in front of others. Plus I think I would lose all the respect I have from them.

You seem proud and somewhat honorable in your approach to marriage if we discount you allusions to "heading for Pattaya. " but you really must come to grips with how to deal with this silent treatment even if it only bothers you sometimes. I suggest you read the following again...

The problem I have with all of these 'that'll show 'em' kind of techniques is that ultimately they force you to go down to the same childish level. I think you should say clearly that you don't like being treated that way, that you won't accept it, and that the other person and you need to communicate about any problems (again, if it's not the cooling off period after a fight or something like that). Then after a reasonable length of time to give the other person a chance to change their mind, you have to get on with your own life and not give in to being blackmailed or tormented.

I agree with the above post. A balanced response is best, for you as well. Playing mind games, whatever they are, is unbalanced. If you play games, even if you are not reacting, it is the same as reacting. You yourself have become unbalanced and are now on the same childish level. The thing to do is to not get pulled off balance in the first place, then to wait a little for them to cool off. Be compassionate. They are human and may have been genuinely upset. Then try to discuss it rationally and CLEARLY. Then try again, if unsuccessful.

I learnt a lot from observing Taiwanese people with their children. People there really have a mature way of dealing with their kids. And as this is childish behaviour, don't be the same. Be mature and compassionate, if possible. She will respect you later.

[gazz]

...I would say that most women (i believe this crosses cultures), notice and record things men would never think to. Regarding insecurity, I think all women, even those who seem to have it all, have degrees of insecurity. I would also go so far in saying, i think many women rest a lot of their self-worth on the shoulders of their men. Quite a burden for men really!

Excellent insight eek and well worth noting gentlemen.

Anyway, its hard to gauge what may have happened, as none of us were actually there. But, it could be that on that particular occasion she thought you did not show her consideration. I do believe you have hit the proverbial nail on the head here.

For example, my bf often likes banter (sorry, all i can offer is some personal experience), and is funny in a flirty way with ladies (not sexually or anything, nor goes too far), he just has that kind of personality. I dont mind at all ONLY because he includes me in some way. Even if its just by putting his arm around me, or turning to me to smile, but usually it he will include me, ask me something etc. In my eyes, him doing this, shows the other girls that he is with me, and he is just being friendly. IF however, he were to talk to a girl and ignore me (im also talking about body language and things here), i may a bit humiliated (depending on the situation). I wouldnt say anything to him at the time, but most likely it would play out in my head for a bit whilst i weigh up if its something I should be concerned about or let go. Whether or not i can let it go, or think rationally, usually depends on the time of the month. ermm.gif Im also not particularly proud that i over think sometimes in this way, but i also believe many woman do the same thing.

It could also be that she is just feeling very low in herself at present, and seeing you joke with the pretty girl made her feel worse about herself and shes transfered all that onto you (which is wrong, but knowing that wont solve the problem either). Maybe she has put on weight recently or feels older or less attractive. Could be many factors. Even if she is a stunningly beautiful lady, she may be not see it in herself.

I think some men dont realise that often they can flirt and be silly with girls in front of their wives (if meant in a harmless way), so long as they include their wives. Also, it helps if afterwards you give her some small compliment. Of course, i dont know what works for each individual woman, but most women thrive on compliments. Simple things like "you smell so good darling", "i like your hair like that". Even slight sexual compliments like "you look sexy today sweetheart!". Might sound silly to a man, but means a lot to a woman.

Sorry if it seems that ive gone off on a tangent. My point is that a few regular compliments may help particularly if she is feeling down about herself. Including your wife in some way when a pretty girl talks to you also shows her how much you respect her (this works the other way around too of course. I always like to include my bf when another man is talking to me). Its also a good idea for men to know when pms time is coming! That way you know no matter what you do, you probably cant solve anything!

Anyway..hope the air clears for you soon.

--

myfriendyou, my bf said something very similar. That once a bad thing is said, its out there, its done, and it cant be taken back. He also said that if you do one strong thing (such as pack bags etc), it can be too easy to do it again..like some barrier has been crossed. Each time a more dramatic action needed to get your point across. So, although i hate the dreaded silent treatment, i am able to see that there are benefits to it. Doesnt make it much easier tho.

Very well stated Eek. I'm pleased to have come across this perspective and hope more men will have learned something from this.

[WeeGB]

PeaceBlondie,

“family compound”? Sounds a bit too much Guantanamo Bay-like to me. My wife’s family definitely don’t call the shots, they tend to stick to their own lives, which does seem to be unusual, judging from other topics I’ve read on here. Your comment has made me think, however, that maybe I need to get out and about a bit more than I do, I’ll certainly try that.

Love the avatar, by the way, Peter Pan was always a favourite of mine. If I ever grow up, I want to be just like him.

Robblok,

I’m due to spend some time back in the UK over the next couple of months, I’m going by myself, my wife’s staying here to look after the house, dogs, pet owl (!!), and rabbits. Also a chance for me to have a long hard think about what I want.

sbk,

I’ve been very pleased at all of the ladies responses to this topic, and can honestly say I’ve listened and learned, which can’t be a bad thing.

Desi,

Thanks for the PM about the avatar.

Again good advice, thank you. I fully understand what you mean about some women can remember conversations from many years ago, my first wife used to astound me with things she brought up in arguments, that I could barely remember.

I found, that I was so busy trying to work out how the devil she remembered this stuff, that I’d completely lose the thread of the argument – maybe it’s a secret feminine smokescreen?

WaiWai,

I’ve been for another walk around the local area for a few hours, to put some distance between us, and get myself some much needed exercise. Came back to find my wife in her sisters garden, which is on the main road through the village. (I suspect she’d been watching the road to see where I was coming from) She immediately smiled and started a conversation about an unusual flower in her sister’s garden. Walking back to the house, she asked me if I’d like my favourite Thai curry tonight, as she’d been to the local market, and bought some prawns especially for me. So for the moment everything seems to be getting back to normal. I will wait a couple of days, before having a talk with her, to see if we can stop this recurring in future. I’ll also explain again, that every time this happens, it takes me a longer time, to get back to the same level of love I felt for her before, which is true, sadly.

Neverdie,

Thank you so much for the kind comments, I wish you and those you care about every happiness.

Datsun240Z,

That’s a short comment from a Dutchman. Just joking!

longstebe,

Again, thanks for the kind comment, good luck to you also.

It’s not a case of if she won’t go, we live in a house on her land, and Thai law being what it is, the simplest solution would be for me to pack up and leave, whether or not we get to that stage, is impossible to tell at the moment.

I’m certainly going to be able to have a long hard think, about where this relationship is going in future, when I’m back in the UK. All I have to do now is pluck up the courage to book the flight - I hate flying!!

Gazz,

I think in reality it’s more illusions of heading for Pattaya than allusions.

There will definitely be some serious straight talking , in a couple of days time, when the air has cleared a bit.

Agree with your comments about eek, very insightful lady.

[Datsun240Z]

I'm due to spend some time back in the UK over the next couple of months, I'm going by myself, my wife's staying here to look after the house, dogs, pet owl (!!), and rabbits.

Oh boy! Are you married? Then you might have nothing to fear, if not....

[thesunset75]

I learn alot to be open to talk how I feel, like or dont like.

It's okay to be open in The Netherlands. You'r not in Thailand anymore.

jajajaja...all (most of them that I know) Netherlanders alway talk and talk and talk (chips chat). lol

Sometime they made me feel like im not exist !

Could be worse, the sunset75, they could be talking about you!

By the way, hope you've found someone new, after your husband did the dirty on you.

I could understand most of them (what my bf and friends talked about) just ennoying sometimes that toomuch and let me sitting there listen to them. They've learned by the way and know that im not happy being no exist woman.

To other poster that though I flamed Dutch people, sorry but I didnt mean to do so. I mention my Dutch bf and friends ( most of them that I know) here they talks toomuch. :-)

And yes I found new that why I moved here

[Datsun240Z]

jajajaja...all (most of them that I know) Netherlanders alway talk and talk and talk (chips chat). lol

Sometime they made me feel like im not exist !

Could be worse, the sunset75, they could be talking about you!

By the way, hope you've found someone new, after your husband did the dirty on you.

I could understand most of them (what my bf and friends talked about) just ennoying sometimes that toomuch and let me sitting there listen to them. They've learned by the way and know that im not happy being no exist woman.

To other poster that though I flamed Dutch people, sorry but I didnt mean to do so. I mention my Dutch bf and friends ( most of them that I know) here they talks toomuch. :-)

And yes I found new that why I moved here

Good Job! While I have to say I'm not much of an talker either ( Rare for Dutch? ), if you want to join a conversation, you have to mix in yourself or else they keep going haha. By the way, I live in Gendt, that's 15 km from Nijmegen.

Gr

Bart.

[thesunset75]

Sorry I dont know those places

[Bagwan]

I have a friend who is totally useless at relationships. He is now on his 5th wife and had quite a few longish relationships too! About 6 months ago he was getting the silent treatment and asked what I thought about it. I told him to make her sit down with him and say that he did/didn't know what the problem was and that he was sorry for his part in bringing the situation about. Hopefully she would respond and admit that she had contributed to the situation also. That cleared the air on that occasion but she didn't put a lid on such behaviour. When he said that she was again doing impersonations of a deaf mute I offered that since she acted like a child he should treat her as one. I had visions, not seriously harboured, that he might put her over his knee and then send her to bed for the rest of the day.

A couple of days later he telephoned and asked me out for a jar or two. He didn’t appear too happy and eventually said that he had come home from golfing and found that she had left. I tried off beat humour with him saying things such as ‘c’est la vie or in your case c’est la guerre’, ‘one door closes, another one opens’, ‘so you’re all ready to start on another of life’s adventures’. I even threw in ‘back in your old routine then.’

It appeared to me that he wasn’t totally miserable that she had departed, more that he couldn’t acquire and retain a more harmonious partnership. He said that maybe he should rethink things about his attitude to life. I countered that it would be more accurate to say he should BEGIN to think about his attitudes. He took that on the chin.

When I asked what had happened he said that he told her that since she acted like a child he would treat her like one and would see about enrolling her at the local school. WW3 then broke out and she stormed out of their home returning at a late hour. She slept in the spare room and words were not exchanged in the morning. To her credit she didn’t smash things up or take anything that wasn’t hers, in fact left a serious piece of jewellery out in full view to see.

One week later he came round to show off his latest partner. He said that he was going to make this liaison work and had never been so happy. They have since married and I already have doubts about resilience of their bonding. Pathetic really.

TIT – never bored, hissed off at times maybe, but never bored.

[WeeGB]

Bagwan,

Maybe your friend just likes wedding cake!

I took Dee's advice, & we sat down together, a few days after the silent treatment had stopped. I explained cooly and calmly that this could not continue in future, (though it is quite a rare occurence - I estimate this has happened maybe seven or eight times in 10 years). I explained that if I do something that offends my wife, it is better for us, as a partnership, to tell me what I've done, or said that's wrong, and that the silent treatment just leads to more misunderstandings.

We're now in a kind of honeymoon period, normally we get along very well, so I'm waiting to see what happens in future.

Back to your friend, maybe it's just me, but whenever I've been in a long-term relationship that's broken down, it has been several months before I was emotionally ready for someone new. Finding the love of his life a week later just doesn't seem credible. From what you've written, it's heading for the rocks already - oh dear! Maybe it's a good idea to keep a box of tissues handy.

[RickBradford]

When an Asian woman gives you the silent treatment, it is because she has decided you don't love her any more. If you want, you can waste half an hour or so asking her questions, but at the end, it always comes back down to this basic feeling of insecurity about your love for her.

Something you have done, (or more likely something you haven't done but should have), has triggered the insecurity switch which lives inside even the best of Asian women.

Most likely it was something that you didn't give a second thought about. It often happens, because we men are always off doing important things, like inventing the wheel or hitting small white balls into the banana plantation, and we forgot that wifey's Auntie Dot was coming down from Chiang Mai for the weekend and we were supposed to be on hand, or something equally trivial.

So, when you get the silent treatment, you can always throw in a random "You know I love you very much, don't you?"

(Edit the above for personal taste)

The instant response from the silent partner is: "Well, if you love me so much, why did you/didn't you....."

So, you find the trigger for the insecurity immediately, and can deal with it from there.

[Datsun240Z]

When an Asian woman gives you the silent treatment, it is because she has decided you don't love her any more. If you want, you can waste half an hour or so asking her questions, but at the end, it always comes back down to this basic feeling of insecurity about your love for her.

Something you have done, (or more likely something you haven't done but should have), has triggered the insecurity switch which lives inside even the best of Asian women.

Most likely it was something that you didn't give a second thought about. It often happens, because we men are always off doing important things, like inventing the wheel or hitting small white balls into the banana plantation, and we forgot that wifey's Auntie Dot was coming down from Chiang Mai for the weekend and we were supposed to be on hand, or something equally trivial.

So, when you get the silent treatment, you can always throw in a random "You know I love you very much, don't you?"

(Edit the above for personal taste)

The instant response from the silent partner is: "Well, if you love me so much, why did you/didn't you....."

So, you find the trigger for the insecurity immediately, and can deal with it from there.

I tried this, but it seems very hard to get her back on the old track, keeps going. Maybe because my girlfriend is a bit older than me, and older people know better right?

[eljeque]

Just get up in the morning, and start packing her stuff in a box.

She will start to talk really fast.

You are more than lkely not in your 20s or 30s. IN fact, more than likely you are in your 50s

If any one day you are not happy, correct that day.

If she is unhappy about it, then she can correct her behavior, or she can leave.

We have all had days when we are wondering what we are doing in the relationships which we are in.

Do not waste a day of your life in this situation.

If this is a normal behavior, then find someone else.

There is a smaller number of Westerners willing to support a Thai woman and improve her life than there are Thai women looking for a Western man to care for them.

Best of luck

[dbrenn]

I'm currently getting the silent treatment from the Thai missus. This is day one. I get this every few months, usually over nothing at all. Is this common in Thailand, or is it just my misfortune to be married to someone who can't seem to have an argument, but always chooses this method to get her point across? What do others do when they get this treatment? Unfortunately, I'm way up north, with no nightlife, or chance of alternative "comfort", , so I guess for now, I'll be spending a lot of time on the internet. And there's always the dogs to talk to, usually get more sense out of them than her anyway.

Assuming that there is no good reason for it, don't put up with it. Giving someone the cold shoulder is just another form of aggression and there is no need to tolerate any punishment that you do not deserve. Leave her for a while and make her promise that she will try harder before going back to her. The problem is that people seldom change, and you can't change other people, so the prognosis is not good if this unpleasant behaviour is part of her character.

As another poster mentioned, are you sure that none of this is your fault? Some people can be inconsiderate and hard to live with and not realise it. What triggers these episodes - her random mood swings or your behaviour?

[zzaa09]

I'm currently getting the silent treatment from the Thai missus. This is day one. I get this every few months, usually over nothing at all. Is this common in Thailand, or is it just my misfortune to be married to someone who can't seem to have an argument, but always chooses this method to get her point across? What do others do when they get this treatment? Unfortunately, I'm way up north, with no nightlife, or chance of alternative "comfort", , so I guess for now, I'll be spending a lot of time on the internet. And there's always the dogs to talk to, usually get more sense out of them than her anyway.

She will win, don't you know. They always do.

[Datsun240Z]

I believe there is a saying here " Thai people will go over dead bodies to achieve their goal " . Guess it's true!

[Dakhar]

What do others do when they get this treatment?

You shouldn't put up with this. I suggest you dump her immediately and see how long it takes for her to come to her senses, if she doesn't then you have lost nothing.

This might come across as being a little harsh but I don't believe we should put up with any irrational behaviour from women.

Irrational behavior from women..... well about the only way to avoid this in a relationship is to turn gay, and that is not going to happen with me.

[zzaa09]

Throw the same silence back at her........

[Geekfreaklover]

Throw the same silence back at her........

I agree with this. The silent treatment is childish behaviour. By sitting down and telling her you love her etc, you are showing that childish behaviour works in an adult relationship.

The silent treatment is the reason the good lord invented pubs and friends.

[mauGR1]

Throw the same silence back at her........

I agree with this. The silent treatment is childish behaviour. By sitting down and telling her you love her etc, you are showing that childish behaviour works in an adult relationship.

The silent treatment is the reason the good lord invented pubs and friends.

I agree,silence is gold.

I admit that in the past relations i've been irked by this behaviour,and suffered about it.Recently i realized that often words can be misunderstood,and make the situation worse.When GF and i get conflictual,we both get ourselves the silence treatment.I make up my mind and think deeply about the pro and cons of staying together,and i guess she's doing the same.So far it works for both of us.

[TAWP]

@OP: Never had the silent treatment from my wife and she would be backhanded if she tried it. Well, not completely true - I wouldn't have married her in the first place if she was the type.

If a person isn't able to communicate to atleast have a proper argument then they are just to stupid to live with.

Whatever floats you guy's boats...

[TAWP]

I make up my mind and think deeply about the pro and cons of staying together,and i guess she's doing the same.So far it works for both of us.

If you actually have to mentally list the pro's of being with someone then it is time to get out and find someone better.

[mauGR1]

I make up my mind and think deeply about the pro and cons of staying together,and i guess she's doing the same.So far it works for both of us.

If you actually have to mentally list the pro's of being with someone then it is time to get out and find someone better.

Tawp,you could well be right,but i feel a bit disillusioned about perfect love.

I'm keeping an open mind anyway,cheers

[Macx]

Would someone please set up a poll about the treatment for the silent treatment?

6 pages, lots of interest and good suggestions

As for me...

Thank God for the motorcycle.

I think it's the reason why motorcycles were invented.

I used to try to talk and reason things out with the gf, but then I realized it was of little use and it was huge waste of my time. At my age, I choose to be happy. So whenever she got it in her head to give me the silent treatment, I head off for a long ride.

Pack a saddle bag and straddle the hog/crotch rocket/whatever and head into the free wind.

After awhile, she noticed that the silent treatment didn't bother me one bit. She got down right worried once she saw the bounce in my step as I picked up my bag and do a little jiggle on my way over to my beloved motorcycle.

I haven't had the silent treatment in a couple of years. Now I rather missed it

Now could someone please tell me how to invoke the silent treatment again!

[ChangMaiSausage]

WeeGB..sorry if i sounded a bit cynical. Sadly Thaivisa does at times bring out the cynic in me.

I have a couple of long shot questions.. is there nothing you can think of that caused the silent treatment to happen? Maybe it was a combination of small things? Or you forgot something important..? Is it possible she also has pms?

I DO agree that the silent treatment is a killer, and a tough one, but it does seem to often be the response to upset here. Initially when i started dating my bf, i was shocked the first time he gave me the silent treatment. I had thought this was something kids do, not adults. We did have some discussion about it after he came out of it, and said that we both needed reflection time, and he was too angry to talk to me. It does still happen from time to time, and I still dont like it, but i realise that its better than being shouted at.

When i realised that this was his way of dealing with issues, I at first tried different ways of handling it. At first i would try to coax him into talking, which, when he didnt respond, only made me resentful. I then tried to out silence treatment him, in that when he finally came around, i gave him the silent treatment back. Effective-ish..but absolute hel_l and quite ridiculous. Ive personally found that what seems to work best is a combination of things. 1st I give him his space..time to stew/mull over/etc..usually the rest of the day if its something that really got under his skin. If he seems like hes still in a mood the next day, i leave it until the late afternoon/eve and i offer some nice suggestions of things we can do..small talk etc. If hes still in a grump, ill leave him for about a half an hour and then attack him! ...Dont worry I mean attack as in i grab something like a cushion or sit on him or tickle him..etc..anything that provokes a response. Usually by that time he cracks and laughs. If not, i just tell him fine, sulk and be unhappy as long as you want, but im off to do something fun. Then i do just that. I go out and dont let him interfere with my thoughts and do some things i enjoy doing. Talk to friends, or go see a movie, have a massage, etc. I havent had him gone past that point. It once went to four days, but thankfully the silent treatment isnt very often. Im not sure if my combination would work on a woman though, as this is how I handle it on a man.

I think if you have a really good relationship that is fun and enjoyable, then the silent treatment can really hurt a lot. Being deprived of everyday things like general banter, comfort, support, hugs....etc..is horrible. But, all i can say is that if the good outweighs the bad, then it may just be one of those things you have to accept? If nothing else works, but you are happy with her, then during that time, do things you enjoy and let her stew it out her system.

Of course, again, if it happens a lot and for days on end, then yes that a big problem.

Hope you find a good way of either solving it or handling it.

Good luck.

Eek might have a point I have noticed over several years that the missus becomes very tempermental over the littlest of things four/five days before her period.

Her moods/silent treatment only last an hour or so, but they are more frequent in the run-up days to her period. My wife normally ends up coming out of her mood because, basically I own't shut-up I tell her that she has to talk eventually. I also tell the children mum's in a mood so don't talk to her (within hearing distance on her)

[delmersomsri]

My Thai wife is the same way,35yrs next month. Hate it, but try not to show it! I just respond by going about my own business without breaking the code of silence. After things calm down you find out that it's generally a lack of communication. Some little misunderstanding that creates days of unhappiness. Can't seem to get it through to her that if something bothers her to talk it through with me. It is a woman thing and not just Thai. CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM. CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM.

[Datsun240Z]

My Thai wife is the same way,35yrs next month. Hate it, but try not to show it! I just respond by going about my own business without breaking the code of silence. After things calm down you find out that it's generally a lack of communication. Some little misunderstanding that creates days of unhappiness. Can't seem to get it through to her that if something bothers her to talk it through with me. It is a woman thing and not just Thai. CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM. CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM.

But that isn't us guys making the problem about it isn't it? Why are woman so difficult?

[Datsun240Z]

My Thai wife is the same way,35yrs next month. Hate it, but try not to show it! I just respond by going about my own business without breaking the code of silence. After things calm down you find out that it's generally a lack of communication. Some little misunderstanding that creates days of unhappiness. Can't seem to get it through to her that if something bothers her to talk it through with me. It is a woman thing and not just Thai. CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM. CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM.

U2 - With ot without you

[njpski]

When an Asian woman gives you the silent treatment, it is because she has decided you don't love her any more. If you want, you can waste half an hour or so asking her questions, but at the end, it always comes back down to this basic feeling of insecurity about your love for her.

Something you have done, (or more likely something you haven't done but should have), has triggered the insecurity switch which lives inside even the best of Asian women.

Most likely it was something that you didn't give a second thought about. It often happens, because we men are always off doing important things, like inventing the wheel or hitting small white balls into the banana plantation, and we forgot that wifey's Auntie Dot was coming down from Chiang Mai for the weekend and we were supposed to be on hand, or something equally trivial.

So, when you get the silent treatment, you can always throw in a random "You know I love you very much, don't you?"

(Edit the above for personal taste)

The instant response from the silent partner is: "Well, if you love me so much, why did you/didn't you....."

So, you find the trigger for the insecurity immediately, and can deal with it from there.

Very good advice

[keyjor]

Brilliant.

Swain, you have it in one.

I have had the treatment from previous long time girl friends and my wife for no reason at all. I just grab my laptop and a few shirts, jump in the car and go somewhere, without saying a word.

Inevitably the phone will ring and it will be 'where are you', 'what are you doing'.

I think it is highly amusing and it is a Thai thing to have the treatment for nothing.

As swain said, if only.

[mmushr00m]

I have tried returning the silent treatment. I got the wife to say something unfortunately what she said was "why are acting like a little bitch?"