British humour....

[benny]

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie  Fanny Sunneson  lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel On This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming  from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:  "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the

set,  but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so  well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses  them... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford  crew."

TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Thanks Benny...very good. Laughter is the best medicine.

[wolf5370]

Some more:

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch

this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal

experience since I once mounted her mother."

Grand Prix Race Announcer:

"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for

the one behind it which is exactly identical to the

one in front of the similar one in back."

Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Ringside Boxing Analyst:

"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them were really that serious."

Baseball announcer:

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst:

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it.

In fact you can see it all over their faces."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets in the Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Brian Johnston decribing a Test Match between England and the West Indies "The bowler's Holding (Michael); the batsman's Willey (Peter)."

“This morning he [Marcus Trescothick] has more or less left off where he carried on yesterday afternoon.”

MICHAEL ATHERTON

“Maine Road was a great football stadium but as time moved on it stayed where it is...”

KEVIN KEEGAN, ITV

“Chris Porter scored his first league goal last week, and he’s done the same this week.”

JEFF STELLING, Sky Sports

David Coleman

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"

Murray Walker

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"

RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"

Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."

Ian Rush

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"

John Arlott

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"

Ian McNail

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized"

Winston Bennett

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

John Francombe

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"

Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"

Ron Atkinson

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."

Ron Atkinson

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism

"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."

David Vine

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."

David Coleman

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."

David Coleman

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."

Chris Eubank, replying to "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?":

"On what ?"

Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald.

"Sex is an anti-climax after that !"

Ruud Gullit

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."

Ron Atkinson

"Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw."

John Motson

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"

David Acfield

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"

Mark Draper - Aston Villa

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"

David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day

"And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"

John Arlott

"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion"

Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta

"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them"

David Coleman

"This evening is a very different evening from the morning that we had this morning"

Murray Walker

"...and Mark Blundell stops with his front wheels stationary"

Radio 5 Live: Jeremy Vine:

"So your autobiography is out in paperback. What's it about?"

Radio 1: Simon Bates:

"So your name's Mohammed? That's one of the most popular Christian names in the world."

Channel 4 interview

Zoe Ball: "So tell us, what this is exactly..."

Guest: "It's a matchstick model of Cardiff Arms Park"

Zoe Ball: "Wow! That's amazing. What's it made out of?"

Guest: "Err... matchsticks."

   

[TizMe]

Click here to read G.W. Bush's email

[Dexlowe]

Eamon Edwards: "It's a great day for Ireland, because although he won the gold for England, he's Irish through a friend of his father's."