An earthquake measuring 5.7 on the Richter scale hit Liverpool last Wednesday morning. Its epicentre was Kirkby Town Centre.

Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly and sobbing -- 'Bang outa order'; 'Mental that'; and 'That did me ######in 'ead in'.

The earthquake devastated the area causing in excess of £175 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of Historic Burned out Cars were completely ruined. Many locals were awakened by the noise long before their Giros arrived in the post.

One resident, Tracy Shaw, a sixteen year old mother of four, said, 'It was such a shock. Little Chardonnay Leigh ran into my bedroom crying. Me hands were shaking so bad I could hardly skin-up and Trisha went all blurry on the plasma telly.'

The Red Cross has so far sent 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to help with the crisis.

Rescue workers were still searching through the rubble and have recovered numerous Elizabeth Duke sovereign rings, benefit books; bone china from Pound Stretcher and at least 500 Argos catalogues. However, there have been no reports of any salvaged furniture from Crazy George's.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing for those unfortunate to have been caught up in this disaster.

Clothing:

La Coste trainers in all sizes, preferably his'n'hers; White sports socks; Burberry Caps; woolly Benny hats and Reebok Shell Suits.

Food:

McCain Micro Chips; Aldi's beans; Monster Munch and Iceland pizzas.

Alcohol is in very short supply and the following are urgently needed:

White Lightning and Carlsberg Special Brew.

All cash donations will be greatly appreciated -- 22p will buy a Bic Biro (required to sign on). £2.50 will buy a single Sausage Dinner. £3 will buy a blagged CD and £26 will buy 200 Embassy Regal from Tommo who has just returned from Torremolinos.