Baby Now 6 Weeks Old - Father Needs Advice

[xerostar]

Yes we have a beautiful healthy baby girl now almost 6 weeks old.

It was dream come true after having 2 boys each from previous marriages.

My wife is breast feeding .. it seems .. 24/7.

I love our baby, everyone says she looks a lot like me (poor thing ..)

Problem for me is that I have gone without normal sexual relationship since many weeks before

the child was born. My wife had an episiotomy, so I knew that we would have to wait until the

doctor said everything was healed and then we could resume normal relations.

My wife promised that everything would be back to normal after the Doc gave her the green light.

It's now been over a week since the Doc said OK but my wife has not shown the slightest interest

in having sex. She had an IM birth control injection at the same appointment.

She says OK, tonight, but it never happens.

I've waited so long now, I don't feel very amorous either. She used to be slim and petite

now she's really overweight and unappealing to me. Especially with her total focus on the baby.

Still, I'm willing to give her time to regain her figure, I know I can't expect to get things back on an even

keel right away. We used to have a reasonably good relationship with adequate enjoyable sex. But now ..

Like many other Falung, I paid for her land, nice house, a tractor and car, now she's got the baby, I'm pretty much redundant! It's not a good feeling. I feel like packing my bags and shooting through.

I should also mention I'm 64, my wife is 32.

Plus we're running short of cash, my savings nearly all gone.

I will have to go back to Oz and start work again, despite my health not being very robust.

The farm is making some money but not enough to sustain the whole family at our present level.

Any advice gratefully accepted.

[ozsamurai]

Are you serious? Or just writing to brag that you can father a child at 64 to a woman half your age, mate.... Things will return to normal, give it time.. flogging the horse isn't going to help at all.

Oz

[MikeyIdea]

It is totally normal that western women go off sex after giving birth, Thai women are exactly the same. Do what so many other men do in the same situation and use your right hand until the feeling comes back. Time varies but it can be for a year sometimes.

[xerostar]

I had no intention of my post sounding like bragging, just the opposite.

I felt that mentioning our ages might help members give me more accurate advice, that's all.

I'll take both answers as good advice though.

It's easy to lose sight of the big picture when your isolated on a farm out in the boonies.

[samran]

6 weeks? i think you are right in that you have lost a bit of perspective.

Fairer would be 12 months..

Even once your wife is recovered from the physical side of the birth....she is going to be too knackered to be wanting to getting jiggy with it for a while yet. Most she, or you, would be wanting is a good nights sleep!

[maccaroni man]

i smell a troll

[rolypie]

Ive seen this exact post before months ago

[villagefarang]

Overweight, stretch-marks, no sleep, unappealing and uninterested in sex…sound like a good reasons to have kids

Normally someone of your age would be worried about living long enough to see his kid grow up. Sounds like you may be gone lone before that date arrives, however.

[samran]

i smell a troll

or a horny old man. Thailand is full of them.

[fletchsmile]

Xerostar,

Think you need to get used to being lower down on the priority list for a while. You're now at least 3rd/4th: baby/kids, wife, you.

Happens to all of us when the Mrs. has children, and I'm sure many people have similar thoughts, as per above posts. I think it's similar in general in the West, although I do think Asian women take it a bit further. They will look after kids 24/7 as the priority giving in to all demands of the baby - simply responding to every need, rather than proactively developing systems.

Western women also care very deeply about their kids too, but are not quite 24/7 and are a little more structured, developing methods like EASY: Eat, Activity, Sleep, time for Yourself. First 3 for baby - last one for mum In contrast many Asian women don't create time for themselves (let alone their partner) and sort of drop the last part the "Y".

As for making love, your wife will be physically very tired. The more you push the issue, the worse you will both feel and the more resentment could build. Try doing a few more duties/ giving her a night off etc, get a friend/realtive in while you both go out - often not easy to convince a new mother, especially Asians. If you/ others take more of the burden there's a chance you get more time together - even then don't expect too much. Will probably be a few times of that as well before one night you hit it lucky.

Honestly: you're being a bit selfish. Think many of us have been there though, and you do reappraise your own role, and naturally can feel useless. Its up to you to redefine your role and become useful.

Best advice I could give you is:

1) take a very active part in as many parts of the parenting as you can. Even if you literally have to take baby off mum sometimes. Apart from breast feeding you can do anything that she can do - even then there are bottles. This can be very rewarding too, and hopefully your wife becomes less tired. As a dad before I'm sure I don't need to remind you how nice it can be to spend some father - son/daughter/baby time and set aside time each day...

2) While your wife spends so much time looking after the baby, You need to look after her and her every need. Unfortunately for you love-making isn't exactly a need for her at the moment. Create some time and space and get it back on the wish list though

BTW One thing to consider: let your wife go out for a day, and you look after the baby all day. Even a weekend. It's very tough - just one day reminds me how wonderful and unselfish my wife is/was in this scenario. I couldn't do it 24/7.

Edited November 18, 2009 by fletchsmile

[SoiGirlHunter]

Soi 6

[bina]

same post different poster about two years ago;

we dont want sex after giving birth; we are too tired, feel wierd, fat, different, the hormones are still going up and down (expeically since breastfeeding makes us more placid as we secrete a hormone for the let down of milk that also causes a bit of 'calmness'.. (caant remember all the chemical details); baby takes all of our time; we are worried about teh health of the baby with every little sniffle, which pushes aside any other worries, we barely have time to 'shit shower shave' before having to feed again; our breasts become a smorgasboard rather then a sex object; our bottom still itches if we were shaved, hurt and sting if we were cut, still have discharge , still have contractions in uterus every time we breast feed; and if not breast feeding, then the hormones are up and downing as body adjusts, having to deal with feeding schedules, cleaning and preparing formula....

and still pay attention to dad?! have sex?!! what? are u out of your mind? i would say, that from what my girlfriends and i used to discuss after births, was: we didnt have much of a sex drive for at least a year, and sometimes it was really lowered for long periods of time; and if we did have sex, weelll, we faked it just ot get it over with and deal with horny hubby. sad but true.

moving from romantic sexy victorian secret couple to wearing comfy easily opened nightie for getting up for nite time feeds, sleeping with one ear on the baby noises, the fear of being stopped in the middle of some fun time (even if u sleep with baby in bed or in cot by the bed) and becoming a 'family' man, not a part of 'just a couple' ... well, or you didnt do that in previous life, or you never did that til now but that is part of marriage/couple.

that is why some couples choose not to have children, so as to leave the romantic, sexy , only us two together feeling part of the marriage as a permanent factor.

also, monetary worries (doc bills food bills etc) can depress the sex drive.

and if u think that by paying for house etc is the payment to a wife/girlfriend for having sex/baby, then you must be an ancient model of man. what happened to love in sickness and in death etc etc etc...

buy lots of soap; get some magazines; take up jogging; take the baby jogging...

now, why did i actually bother to answer this post?

bina

israel

[Larry]

She needs your support and understanding now.....Yes, post-partum women are not easy to live with. Its like a roller coaster, and Ive been on it five times, so I know what Im talking about. But if you stand by her now, then when she recovers, which will take about nine months, she will be loving and devoted. If, however, you act like a 64 year old child instead of a husband and father, you will have hel_l on wheels. If you want someone who will not get pregnant and always look slim and trim, I would suggest a post-op ladyboy! As for me, I wish my wife and me could have a baby, but between my low motility and her irregular periods, it just hasnt happened yet. If she does get pregnant, I will personally kiss every stretch mark, and be the best darn husband and father I could possibly be.......Dont throw away your chance at happiness.

[whistleblower]

sounds like a bargirl/old man relationship to me. With her for the wrong reasons i think. your main concern is getting laid and not your new baby daughter. My daughter is 8 months old and mum is still breastfeeding. i take my daughter out alone at least once a week (to give mum a rest, and to form a closer bond with her) And although enjoyable its still tiring. Try doing that 24/7 mate. I have nothing but respect for mothers of young babies. Stop thinking about getting your rocks off and pay a bit more attention to the wife and baby! You're being selfish.

[zzaa09]

It is totally normal that western women go off sex after giving birth, Thai women are exactly the same. Do what so many other men do in the same situation and use your right hand until the feeling comes back. Time varies but it can be for a year sometimes.

Though Thai femmes are not really the same as Western lasses, understanding your broader point of conclusion. Female human-types, historically will display this physiological trait as a survival model. It does pass, as a rule....

[londonthai]

at some stage you both might come back to doctor and talk about the problem, there are hormon tablets which he can prescribe.

check a recent tread http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Female-Sex-E...rs-t314766.html

[MikeyIdea]

Here is a good thread discussing the same at Parenting.com. Most women face the same and it is not related to background or skin colour, it is just a very natural phenomena everywhere.

It takes time and then the feeling comes back, the more understanding and sweet the husband, the faster it comes

/forums.parenting.com/showthread.php?t=8174 No sex for almost a year

[stevymac]

first of all like to congratulate on still bein able to have sex at ur age and secondly thats women 4 ya m8 as soon as a baby pops out thats u moved into 2nd place go get a massage then have a cold beer, u wont worry as much then, hope u find my advice helpful

[xerostar]

I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to reply to my post and giving me so much valuable advice.

I am ashamed to say I was very ignorant about post-partum women, their feelings etc.

Thanks to you I am feeling less anxious and doing things to help the situation rather than make it worse.

On reflection though, there must be vast numbers of men out there that are just as ignorant as I was,

or worse and even less patient and much more aggressive.

Then it's no wonder that men choose that time to start roving or even giving up on a marriage!

(BTW, I am generally a very patient person )

As one guy put it "I didn't get married so I could not have sex!"

The second last reply in particular was very useful - Thankyou MikeyIdea!

Here is a good thread discussing the same at Parenting.com. Most women face the same and it is not related to background or skin colour, it is just a very natural phenomena everywhere.

It takes time and then the feeling comes back, the more understanding and sweet the husband, the faster it comes

forums.parenting.com/showthread.php?t=8174 No sex for almost a year

NOTE:

Just to show how BAD it can get, I've cut and pasted one of the replies from the above-mentioned forum

to show that my problem is nothing compared to what some guys put up with!

I'd recommend that anyone (men and women) should read the thread at parenting dot com.

It really adds a lot of weight to the advice you have given me, with quite a few extras thrown in.

How about no sex since my wife conceive our second child? I am married for almost 4 years with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Ever since my wife conceived my little one, we stop having sex in whatever way you can think of. Maybe the occasional oral sex of "F off".

She has been pushing me away from the day she knew she was expecting and she is about to complete one year course of breast feeding as my infant approaches 1. Her excuses for turning me away has always been tiredness, insufficient sleep, not in the mood and extreme cases of fear of sex.

I have a domestic helper to do the household chores as well as the cooking. What I can't understand is how tired she can be. Everything to her is about the kids now, i am just the father to the children not husband. I tried earlier to ask her out for meals and just spend time alone with her, but always to have her insist that the kids should come along. So much so that I have given up even trying.

I have also given up initiating sex. It just feels wrong to be seen asking for sex and rejected on every occasion.

My wife is an absolutely terrific mother to both my lovely girls but she is a wife who doesn't know the size of my clothes nor what to pack for me for my business trips.

Would also be impossible to seek a counsellor as she doesn't even feel that there's anything wrong about the whole thing at all and always chides me for not being able to think of the family. Ironically I pay for 90% of the expenses at home while she keeps most of her salary.

Makes me laugh when on some occasions she asked if i considered a third child. I know for a fact that was not a hint of sex on offer.

Last edited by Given Up; 11-21-2009 at 04:10 AM.

[ArthurPewty]

This is a joke. I am sure of that. It contains every single cliche that I can think of.

Fake!

[Arkady]

Assuming this is a genuine OP post, you should address your financial problems urgently and worry about getting laid later. If you run out of money and can't support her and the baby, your wife will not be interested in having sex with you even when she has recovered. If you have enough cash, then you can take the Thai approach and outsource the role for a while and give her a chance to get her figure back and feel in the mood again. If she is feeling financially secure with you, things will hum again when she feels better. If not, you are going to have to write off Thailand and go back to Oz anyway. Forgive me for saying that you seem to think a Thai wife is only good for sex and useless, if she can't provide that any more. Many of the Thai women that farangs marry feel that their farang husbands are only good for providing money and are useless without it. They tend to assume that all farangs are wealthy and it can come as a horrible shock to find out this is not the case. Often the couples have little in common and can't communicate properly, so it is not surprising that this dichotomy develops.

[kanderson]

My Thai Wife gave us 2 most wonderful kids after i was 50+. Even though we had insurance and everything I was stressed about the money.

According to Dr Oz the other day - men produse healthy spearm into their 80's - is that correct ?

Since I had kids so late in my life - if I die early they get up to 2 times my social security - a very rare situation.

You might try some AndroGel to get back some testogrogen level - increacesed mood.

You sound like me - a bit depressed at times.

My kids loved mommy until 1.5 - 2 years. You can be there everyday - just wait a bit.

[villagefarang]

Come on guys, if you are old, have an ex-wife or two and a passel of grownup rug-rats, why not go under the knife and get a vasectomy.

You have come to Thailand to start a new life, not to make all the same old mistakes. Enjoy the company and the sex and don't bother with bringing more kids into the world.

Then you won't have to write these sad tales of when my wife became a mother, she ceased to be my wife.

[PeaceBlondie]

We had six kids, almost all of them breastfed forever. We stopped having sex in the last month, and started again during month two.