Issues From Break-up With Thai Lady

[blackbear]

Hey Guys--

First off, I'd like to say All apologies to the mods if this post is in the wrong forum, but I think I'll need some input from the ladies as well as the men on this one. I also apologize for this being a little long!

Now for my post. For six years there's been a lady from Thailand named Yim in my life and for three of those years, we've been a couple. We are both 28 years old, met in our college days here in the US, and have been almost ominpresent in each others' daily lives since then. However, it has largely been a LDR relationship because Yim is a white-collar worker who works for one of the big international corporations in Bangkok and as for me, I've been struggling since then due to the economy here in the US. Sometime this coming year, I'd been planning to head to Thailand to further my studies in Thai language, finish my degree, and of course to be with Yim. As for marriage, we've seriously been planning it for a while now...after we've been together in RT for a while, have all the money saved up first, she could get a job in the US or vice versa for me in Thailand, etc.

This year we've had a few major blow-ups and three weeks ago, the death blow to our relationship came over a huge misunderstanding I had over Yim, a male Thai friend of hers, and what I saw on a website. She not only went ballistic, but went completely hysterical for a day or so. The day after the blow-up, she told me she was breaking up with me and that she just couldn't handle a relationship right now and wanted to be single. In addition, she mentioned she is a "bad woman" and didn't need to be in a relationship with anyone, let alone me. We both agreed to just be friends from now on and to No contact for the time being until we are both ready to be friends.

Two days later, she called me in tears, saying she couldn't do NC (no contact) and needed to talk to me and hear my voice. For the rest of the week we kept chatting, calling, etc. as before and even exchanged a few "I love yous." She insisted that I'm the love of her life and that would never change. However, the next week (two weeks ago), she was very cold toward me and treated me more like a regular chat friend than anything else. She still treats me the same way now. The chats became very short and the phone calls, e-mails, etc. dropped to nothing. I decided to seize the opportunity and try again for NC since I ended up feeling devastated again.

It was during this time that her best friend and our mutual friend Jeab started contacting me. She told me that Yim is a "bad woman," but she loves me so much and is scared. The conversations with her have been mostly general and friendly, but from time to time, Jeab has asked the occasional question about the relationship or something more general, like "Do you miss Yim today?"

Last week, after those few days of NC (during which she contacted me several times....much of it in worry), I contacted Yim and we agreed to start seeing each other as before. However, it only lasted a couple of days. She would say she was busy or wouldn't respond altogether when I came online or called her. Naturally I ended up feeling depressed and broken-hearted again, so back to NC I went. Only this time, I sent her a lengthy e-mail saying why I needed to do that and why we both needed NC.

A day or so after I sent the e-mail, Jeab reappeared after being gone during that two days and not only that, I found some comments Yim had written on Jeab's Facebook about how she loved me, but needed to be away from me since she was a bad woman, how she was in despair, and so on.

Yesterday, after Yim e-mailed me multiple times, I finally called her and talked to her for a little while. She didn't quite sound like herself and I did most of the talking. Even though she is treating me like a casual friend now, she still insists I'm the love of her life and there won't be anyone else for her even though we've broken up.

Does anyone have any pointers on how to handle this situation? All along I've been trying to do what's best for both of us, but I've obviously haven't been doing a good job of it. She means the world to me and I want to do whatever I can to help her if need be, but I'm also trying to help myself heal from the break-up. I know she's in a lot of pain right now and I should be there for her however I can, even though we are an LDR couple. I also know that in Thailand, break-ups are gradual, but that doesn't seem to be the case this time. As for Jeab, I'm guessing she's either trying to patch things up or make the break-up easier???

Thanks so much for reading my story guys (and gals! haha) and for any and all advice. I appreciate it so much. Oh, and I know a good amount of Thai and that explains how I've managed to interpret that info and talk to Jeab.

P.S.

In regards to that male friend, Yim insists that despite what I saw on the website, nothing went on between them except some drunken fun at a party and that this man has a girlfriend. I got verification of this a few days later when they added me on Facebook and knew who I was.

[Turkish]

z

[sbk]

Since you appear to want information from men as well as women am moving it to General.

[wintermute]

Sounds like she's a "bad woman" and the mutual friend is probably right. Generally speaking a thai woman in love doesn't just suddenly want some "time apart" to think about things. That's certainly how women are in the west but that's not how it works in Thailand. You are hosed and she's probably humping that guy you had suspicions about and is probably struggling with her own emotions on how to break up with you.

Good luck hoss. If you do get back with her just understand you'll be hitting up the leftovers.

[TrippRitter]

Yep, sounds like a break up. Nothing out of the norm. Easier said then done, but you need to cut off all communication and move on.

[siggie2]

Very important to move on,be strong and dump this woman,it will get easier and you had a narrow escape.Nobody should be crapped on from a great height and she is doing that,get rid and smile when you tell her.

[lordsux]

Maybe some music will help soothe your pain

Edited December 7, 2009 by lordsux

[bina]

maybe jeap wants u for herself...........

run forest run...........

.......weeping jesus........... made me choke on my nescafe........

bina

israel

[Ruperts]

The "bad woman" thing obviously suggests that she has been having sexy time with another man, even if it is not the guy you suspected. But I wouldn't be so quick to pull the trigger. Long distance relationships are difficult. People need contact. You're not there when she needs it, so she has found it in someone else, but clearly regrets her actions. How you react to this is up to you. You can either decide that it is unnacceptable and end the relationship, or you can consider the very legitimate reason behind it and acknowledge that had you been with her, it probably wouldn't have happened, and you can forgive her. Either way, it sounds like you desperately need to spend some time together. Phone calls and emails aren't enough. I'd suggest a holiday ASAP. Then afterwards you can make decisions about your future together.

[Gudge]

Run buddy Run. I just went thru 5 yrs of BS with a Thai lady that swore she loved me Muk Muk and we would be together forever and wanted to be with me and look after me for the rest of our lives. In the time we were together she sucked me dry (bank acct that is) and got really choked because I was going by the real estate saleman's advice in Canada when he said not to sell right now if I didnt have to and sell next year. She wanted it done right now and buy her a big house here for her and her kids and when I said no, life became hel_l and she started going out with friends and staying over and we are now divorced. Dont believe for one minute she loves just you and wants to be together forever if she is playing these games. I was stupid and believed my lady but have learned the hard way. Like I said RUN BUDDY RUN. Everywhere you look there are ladies and there must be a good one waiting somewhere for us.

[cognos]

there are tons of good ladies in LOS, I'll bet my life on it. i wish you both luck mak mak..and god bless too

[cognos]

I agree with Rupert..if you can go there and see her..especially if it is tearing you up.. and have a plan B ( as there are loads of good ones that won't dick you around)

[john_bkk919]

No need to spend another minute considering her needs. Focus on your own.

Change your number and delete hers plus the false intermediary 'Jeab'.

Schedule a bit more time at the gym / completing coursework / doing things that are important to you. If you find yourself thinking about your ex, focus on how she dissed you. She's somebody else's problem now.

Be a bit more self-directed and you won't get twisted over junk like this. If you didn't see it coming on some level, you probably would have married her a few years ago.

Edited December 7, 2009 by john_bkk919

[nam-thip]

Don't think what’s best for the two of you think what’s best for your self as you’re story has all the ingredients of failure.

As they say ‘Love is blind’ and it’s easy to see she definitely is not the right lady for you.

My advice is to move on, distance yourself from her and get on with you’re life.

It sounds like she really is the bad lady she claims to be.

Believe me; a little hurt now will save a lot of heartache later.

Be strong and move on.

[a2396]

there are tons of good ladies in LOS, I'll bet my life on it. i wish you both luck mak mak..and god bless too

TONS of good ladies in LOS??? That's an overstatement if I ever heard one. Such certainly does not apply to those (Thai women) who might consider co-mingling with a Farang.

[jackr]

Yes, they do tend to change with the weather don't they... a doris that is.

[givenall]

Yes, they do tend to change with the weather don't they... a doris that is.

love me not, love me, wantme not want me, ..... FORGET IT

[cognos]

there are tons of good ladies in LOS, I'll bet my life on it. i wish you both luck mak mak..and god bless too

TONS of good ladies in LOS??? That's an overstatement if I ever heard one. Such certainly does not apply to those (Thai women) who might consider co-mingling with a Farang.

tons in terms of weight,( 110 pounds times 19 good ones is about one) and in my humble opinion there are many , many good ladies in LOS..but one's bias comes from one's experience in all things

[MrFrank]

Blackbear: based on what you've said this sounds like a very common situation that is played out in relationships all over the world. It has nothing to do with your GF being Thai but everything to do with her being a normal woman.

Regardless of the circumstances of the break-up, in order to get properly back together again your GF will need more than just a friendly agreement that everything is OK; she needs reassurance that she can still depend on you and that you will not reject her again.

Rejected women feel very insecure and they will normally take the view that they would rather avoid further hurt and rejection until they are completely sure that they are on safe ground again.You can only achieve this by making excessive displays of love and affection, coupled with strong verbal reassurance of your loyalty etc..

Whether or not you are willing and able to do this is probably a measure of whether or not you can really make the relationship work (and that's certainly how she'll be thinking).

The "I'm a bad woman" thing, by the way, is quite a common thing for women to say if they want to avoid the confrontation of a frank discussion. It doesn't necessarily mean that she really thinks she's bad. (Although, of course, I don't know her so I can only speculate.)

I guess that, by now, you realise that you will only be able to fix this by coming to Thailand and spending time with her.

[carmine]

the OP seems like a decent well intentioned guy...so move on.

The percentage of good women here is low me thinks, but when you find one of the right ones you'll realise it's well worth waiting for. No point to bother with this one. I would'nt want to speculate about why she is a "bad" women but i would rater concentrate on finding one of the really nice ones.

[carmine]

I differ in opinion from the buffalo posters.

There are no good ladies in Thailand, they all are looking for a payoff.

Enjoy the sex, keep tight control of your money, always expect value for money spent.

Never invest in anything you aren't prepared to lose.

I rather like the bad ladies, good sex guaranteed and you always know where you are.

PS

Long distance relationships with Thai ladies always end in tears, most of them can't last a week without a shag, but I will admit to knowing a couple who lasted for 2 weeks without going over the side when their sponsor was back home.

Nearly true, but there is that very small percentage

[moe666]

I have 2 friends who have married good Thai women they are out there. The bad woman thing usually means a relationship with someone else. You have to figure out what will work for you but long distance between two young people forget about it.

[473geo]

I'd be interested to hear what you said to her in your bust up.......you see if you gave her a real slating......there is a good chance, if she has never stepped out of line before, and always been a loving partner.......that your actions and comments have implied she is a bad lady and no good for you.......depending on what you said of course, only you know how far you went.......maybe because she cares about you she is ending the relationship with the thought you can find a lady you do not think is bad.

[Meridian007]

(Okay, I don't usually answer these relationship posts, but the OP doesn't sound like a troll, so I'll throw my hat in. I have no idea if any of this will be remotely pertinent to your situation, I'm just wildly speculating based on what you've told us and my experiences here, so take this as you will.)

To me, her actions sound like they are coming from a combination of two different forces.

Firstly, she doesn't want anything to change. Nobody likes change, even when rationally they do want it. She shares a history with you, and it is scary for her to leave that behind, even though she doesn't really love you anymore. This is what is causing her constant attempts to reconnect, even though once you are connected, she doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Because the break-up is her fault, she isn't getting any sense of closure that makes her feel good about her actions, only a fall off of emotions that makes her think about who is to blame. Nobody wants to blame themselves, so she is halfheartedly blaming you for catching her infidelity, even though she knows that blaming you is false.

This leads into the second variable, that she wants to leave you, but doesn't want to lose face by being the instigator. This is why she keeps calling herself a "bad girl". From my experience, when someone says something bad about themselves here, it is to get reinforcement that the bad thing is not true. She wants you to absolve her from her wrongdoings, but when you do, there is no one to blame and she still wants you gone.

You caught her doing something, so in a strange bending of logic, she can now blame you for ruining the relationship because it's your fault that she got caught. This completes the process of her letting you discover her infidelity, pushing the blame off herself and on to you, and then acquiring closure slowly by deluding herself that you caused the breakup, so she was right in fooling around on you. She gets to move on with her new boyfriend without feeling guilty about anything.

As you said, breakups here are a long process. If my assumptions seem remotely related to your situation, the only way you can end it fast is to lie to her that you have someone new, so that she can get angry at you for something that is at least somewhat grounded in logic, (unlike the convoluted mess that I tried to explain above), and will allow her sense of closure to happen more quickly. Otherwise this "push me, pull you" nonsense will go on for a long time, and you won't get anywhere with it.

I don't think it warrants a trip here, that is a waste of money unless you want to come for other reasons. There are many good women here, don't listen to the bitter posters who have realized that they can't pull any women here other than the 2% that allow themselves to get pulled as part of their job. Many assumptions are made about the whole population of Thailand based on experiences with a very specific, small percentage of the population. The majority have a completely different value set, but they are a very insular population, so most outsiders never get a chance to experience it. Education can be a good way in, so if you came here for your studies, that is one way.

Good luck!

Edited December 8, 2009 by Meridian007

[473geo]

I differ in opinion from the buffalo posters.

There are no good ladies in Thailand, they all are looking for a payoff.

Enjoy the sex, keep tight control of your money, always expect value for money spent.

Never invest in anything you aren't prepared to lose.

I rather like the bad ladies, good sex guaranteed and you always know where you are.

PS

Long distance relationships with Thai ladies always end in tears, most of them can't last a week without a shag, but I will admit to knowing a couple who lasted for 2 weeks without going over the side when their sponsor was back home.

Nearly true, but there is that very small percentage

Correct not all bad ladies guarantee good sex.....

[blackbear]

Hey Guys--

Thanks for all the advice and the replies. I can assure you I am a legitimate poster, so everything is true.

As for those pics I found on the website, they were mostly of her with her arms around this guy and her cheek next to his. In the comments below, she was saying things like "I love you so much," "You're my handsome boyfriend!" and things like that. She also called him "rak peuan" ("love friend"), which had me a bit bewildered since she called me that when we were platonic friends a few years ago. Likewise, some of her other friends were making similiar comments about them being bf/gf. What really got me confused was when they left comments to each other about her marrying him and wearing his mother's wedding ring, but she insists those comments were in reference to a Thai song (I can't get an accurate translation of the title, but from an e-mail she sent me, the name of the song is "Manfandeuyvanmea") and they were "singing to each other."

After I added his girlfriend a few days later, I found an album full of pics from this particular party and the three of them were in a number of these pics together....including a couple of them with both of their heads on his shoulder and cheek to cheek. So I dunno...maybe I overreacted over something that turned out to be nothing.

When I confronted her about this, I did it in e-mail and took a couple of days to calm down and think about what I wanted to say. I didn't use any four-letter words, name-calling, or anything like that. In fact, I managed to stay cool and just said I know about this guy and that she obviously has feelings for him. However, I asked her why she betrayed me by doing this and I think this comment really got to her. She said she never betrayed me and said if she wanted to put on a show, she would never have introduced me to her family (Which she has. I haven't met the parents in person yet, but she put me on the phone with them several weeks before this whole incident.)

Another thing worth mentioning is that Yim has some serious self-esteem issues. She isn't too overweight, but has gained just a few extra pounds since we first met and it does show. After this blow-up, she got hysterical and said "I can't be with you because I'm fat, ugly, and lazy and when you come to Thailand, you won't love me anymore!" She has always insisted she lose weight before I come, although I think she looks perfectly fine as she is.

In regards to coming to Thailand to study, I have definitely been planning that for this coming year...maybe sometime in the spring or summer?? However, up until the break-up, Yim insisted I not come, saying that Thailand is too dangerous right now, the economy is too bad, etc. or that I may not be able to find work or that I "wouldn't be happy in Thailand or with her." However, she also mentioned after the break-up her parents had concerns about me and that she herself would rather stay the way we are now in LDR than having us "argue and fight" all the time. In fact, that's one of the main reasons she says she wants to stay single. She says she doesn't have the energy for arguing anymore and wants everything to be "happy and fun."

Now about the "bad woman" label. Neither she or Jeab would elaborate, but I told them both straight out in both English and Thai that if Yim is taking yaa baa or fooling around, she needn't bother contacting me again. However, Yim mentioned a long time ago that she's a bad woman because she "doesn't clean, cook, and has a bad temper." She says that plus her working woman status make her very unappealing to other men.

As for me, I'm still planning to study and (hopefully! haha) work in Thailand regardless of this whole situation since it's been a dream of mine and I don't plan to give up on account of a break-up. And yeah, I've been getting back to some old hobbies to help get my mind off of this and working out does help!

[blackbear]

 

Yep, she's from Khon Kaen, so makes her an Isaan girl. However, she isn't the BG type. She does have a high-end job in Bangkok and is very sophisticated and career-oriented.

I'm still trying to figure out the whole "bad woman" thing, and sadly enough it could mean she's been messing around. Only time will tell...

Thanks for the advice and the warnings and after I've healed up from all this, I just might find a good decent lady in LOS....no matter if it's Yim or someone else!

Edited December 8, 2009 by bonobo
Removed text from apost since deleted for breaking psosoting rules

[DazednConfused555]

Too many fish in the sea to settle for one that swims with another school when you are not looking.

Edited December 8, 2009 by DazednConfused555

[bonobo]

Posts ahve been deleted and members suspended for derogatory comments towards women and/or Issan women in particular.  Any additional comments will result in further suspensions and this thread being closed.

[Thongkorn]

I have seen this before, and been through it, like you . In a nut shell The bad lady bit means that she is still in contact with other man/men , thats the only easy polite way of telling you, You ether put her on the spot and say you want total commitment or its total finish no contact , its hard but its the only way in my opinion.