How To Approach Wife About Problem?

[TheJoker12]

we have a young child which takes up all of my wife's time and energy. i have offered maids and nannies but she refuses outright without discussion. we are not having sex anywhere near the frequency that i require. i have been going along with it but its starting to ruin my life. what am i supposed to do?

a. cheat and risk passing an STD to her

b. ask her to let me cheat (i have absolutely no idea how she will take that, obviously badly)

i have expressed this problem to her but she does not seem to care and is just too busy.

[Boo]

we are not having sex anywhere near the frequency that i require

I think at first you need to clarify how much is the frequency you require so that we can determine if you are just being unreasonable or whether that is an actual problem at hand. Are you having any sex at all?

[Colabamumbai]

Children will change your life forever. A mother will put her energy to a child before the boyfriend, or husband. Does your lady have some family members that she could leave the child with for a few hours a few times a week to make special time for the two of you. Cheating is not the answer, open communication is favoured.

[Boo]

also how old is the child, is it new born or under a year old? If yes I can tell you that hormonally we are not in the mood for any sex at all (just think for one second the kind of physical & hormonal changes a woman's body has to cope with in a 9 month period & how long it takes to revert back to pre pregnancy, it isn't an overnight process) so if you are getting any at all should consider yourself lucky.

[OxfordWill]

Actually it doesnt matter how much he requires- its not enough for him. There is no reasonable amount of sex which we might all agree on, and his wife presumably knew his particular libido before marrying him.

[Boo]

sure but after presumably agreeing to father a child with the women he has to accept that her libido will be reduced for a period of time & if he wasn't able to accept that shouldn't have had a kid with her or agreed the need to extra marital sex before hand. I am amazed how many men only think of their dicks after their wives have had kids, like she hasn't got enough going on.

Oh & op, are those a & b options the only 2 open to you then?

[TheJoker12]

sure but after presumably agreeing to father a child with the women he has to accept that her libido will be reduced for a period of time & if he wasn't able to accept that shouldn't have had a kid with her or agreed the need to extra marital sex before hand. I am amazed how many men only think of their dicks after their wives have had kids, like she hasn't got enough going on.

Oh & op, are those a & b options the only 2 open to you then?

what other options are there? my palms are practically raw. my wife eats with the baby in her arms. she is very protective and will not leave the baby anywhere for 3 hours, and I wouldn't want to either.

i feel like if my wife wasn't so selfish she would just bring me women without me having to ask.

Edited January 4, 2010 by TheJoker12

[LadyHeather]

Perhaps your wife thinks if you weren't so selfish you would be more understanding of her situation?

[TheJoker12]

what is her situation?

tonight she goes "Ok. Hurry up, finish fast" standing there with her shirt on looking at the tv. then she is like "oh do u want me take my shirt off"... like, um, yeah, we are clearly not on the same wavelengths. whenever i try to approach her about any of this it just ends in some kind of crying/guilt throwing nonsense. or, if we do try, its so terrible because she is now more or less a virgin again that i instantly go soft/want to kill myself/lose interest when she starts screaming in pain, crying, body stiff as a board. i am also certain there is some intentional guilt throwing here as when we were first together she was a virgin and the acting was nowhere near the same so previously it was her intention to hide her pain whereas now she wants me to know "how much she cares for me", how terrible sex is, and how good of a wife she is . its like i am raping someone.

i do understand that she likely has hormonal problems. i also understand that if she catches on that i am unfaithful or if i asked her to let me stray, while she might be ok with it one day, another day she will probably be going nuts on account of her screwed up emotional state is.

[bina]

the fear of pain is often worse then the pain itself and causes pain. if she had a vaginal delivery, with stitches, perhaps there is some scarring, or a bit 'too tight' in which case, along with the low libido due to hormones, tiredness from the baby, some post partum stuff (too protective?) , and guilt from u (come on baby,u know i love u, i have to have u, my balls are gonna fall off, you're being selfish/not a good wife/your not the same anymore/dont u love me anymore/blablbalba) just makes a big mess.

somewhere a while a go, someone was in a similar pradicament. actually more then one. same scenario, same questions, same problems. differnt dicks. catn believe i wrote that. anyhow, the suggestions were:

start soft> get babysitter for hour or so; go for shopping/lunch/dinner. go home. dont ask for sex. next week, same same. dont ask for sex. reduce the pressure. there is nothing like pressure on a woman to make her stiffen up, and lose that sexy feeling. we cant for the most part just 'bang bang ' in one hour while listening with one ear for the child to wake. our breasts feel more like mammamry production glands (if breasting) than sex objects. our vaginas hurt, sometime far after the birth. the fluids hae changed. less slippery maybe. so even penetration hurts. we are afraid we will rip the area where the tissues were sewn together (that was my fear so the doc did fingure inserted check, strectched me out and said, see-- wont rip ) ...

after a month or so of soft courting, try extending for an early evening. no pressure. no pressure. no pressure. try just playing around. no penetration. thats usually the problem. fear of the pain making the pain worse then it is.

and if this whle procedure bothers u, dont have any more kids. oh, and try hair conditioner. my son says its better then soap.

good luck

bina

israel

[sbk]

You still don't say how long ago your wife gave birth.

[Boo]

I think you are a troll.

[Totster]

I think you are a troll.

Without a doubt IMO

Totster

[Bagwan]

I am with the ladies on this one. A lady undergoes many changes when carrying, delivering and fostering a child. A good husband will understand all of this and treat her accordingly. Care, compassion and respect, from both parties, are essential ingredients of a successful marriage, you are, after all, not two individuals but both equal parts of a pair. If my wife didn't enjoy our sexual encounters, then I wouldn't. I prefer my sexual experiences to be joyful for both of us. I wouldn't want to inflict pain physical or not, and generate anguish on somebody that I loved.

As an aside, I had a relationship with a sexually frustrated married lady in the UK that was a whole lot of fun. On one occasion after a steamy bout, she padded across to a chest of drawers and pulled out two cards and held them up for me to see. They indicated a score of 5.4. We were both hysterical for a long time until I said that if that was her judgment, then I needed to practice more - and Round 2 promptly commenced.

I would advocate a softly softly approach. Do you help around the house enough, do you do your share of caring for the infant, bring her little trinkets as tokens of appreciation for all her hard work and discomfort in presenting you with a bundle of joy, surprise her by giving her the money to visit the beauty shop (what woman doesn't like a visit to the hairdressers?), reinforce the idea that she is still a beautiful young woman with a life to live and enjoy? Certainly pressuring her will only make the matter worse, perhaps irretrievably so. I am of an age that when a lady wanted something she used soft words and a display of affection that made you want to oblige her. It was much more fun then. All too often, contemporary ladies seem to be fully paid up members of the regiment of horrendous women who demand - and if I am on the receiving end, the response if a emphatic NO. Do you see the point that I am making? Softly,softly catchee monkey. Patience and understanding will in the end bring about the desired result.

Given the above some might write me off as a 'new age man' when nothing could be further from the truth. I have been called an MCP more times than I care to remember. My response has always been the same - any real woman knows that all the best men are real b*st*rds at times - in their minds at least.

[Bagwan]

Who cares if the OP is a troll? The important point is that this is an interesting topic for discussion.

[sbk]

So, we've got a guy who is demanding sex from his recently pregnant wife and yet somehow you manage to blame contemporary women for his lack of consideration? Fascinating.

[TheJoker12]

i am not demanding sex. i am saying that i am going out of mind and unable to properly work and exist as a human being in society with this monkey on my back. right now, i have little interest in even sleeping with my wife because the experiences are terrible and the chance of me reaching ejaculation are not even close to 100%. our child is 2.5 months old. we did not have sex throughout the entirety of the pregnancy.

sometimes i don't understand how these rules of monogamy even got forced on us considering how much more important sex is to men than women. my wife has no interest in sex but would probably have my head on a platter if she found out that i was unfaithful. god should have made the male genitals detachable so wives could keep them in their purse.

the funny thing about cheating is that, if i were to say "look, you are not interested in sex, so why dont you let me handle it myself discretely in one hour sessions and then when you are back to normal i will get tested and all will be good. i have no interest in forging social relationships with these hoes and will just use them as masturbatory objects of flesh. i am 100% committed to you and our child" the responsible thing to do, i would get eaten alive. so instead, the option to save my marriage is to continue suffering or cheat and risk passing my wife an STD.

[bina]

2.5 months. geez. cut some slack. she's still in the early stages of all the hormone changes, figure changing back, vagina feeling comfortable. as for sex during pregnancy, many of us dont enjoy it. i weighed 60 kilo !!! (gained 22 kilo) with each baby on my small frame. i felt like an elephant. and everything irritated me.

u need to be more patient. thats all. how do most guys deal ? most women do not hop in the sack too quick after birth meaning a good few months have to go by.......

dont think he's a troll but certainly egotistical. re read what i wrote. it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. (or blind eyes ). invest a a few more gallons of hair conditioner and try the soft soft method. u might get better results. even if she doesnt want full contact, a little fun is better then none.

bina

[PattayaParent]

we are not having sex anywhere near the frequency that i require

I think at first you need to clarify how much is the frequency you require so that we can determine if you are just being unreasonable or whether that is an actual problem at hand. Are you having any sex at all?

I think you may have inadvertantly hit on the solution

Edited January 5, 2010 by PattayaParent

[OxfordWill]

OP sounds like a nice guy to me. Most of us would have simply gone to the massage parlour by this point.

[peanut]

Why catch STDs? haven't you heard of condoms??

Assuming you really have to get to that...

[TheJoker12]

ever heard that condoms are not close to 100%?

[popmybubble]

I wonder how many men would encourage their partners to seek sexual fulfilment elsewhere if they were temporarily unable to satisfy them... ? It would be interesting to know.

[LaoPo]

2.5 months. geez. cut some slack. she's still in the early stages of all the hormone changes, figure changing back, vagina feeling comfortable. as for sex during pregnancy, many of us dont enjoy it. i weighed 60 kilo !!! (gained 22 kilo) with each baby on my small frame. i felt like an elephant. and everything irritated me.

u need to be more patient. thats all. how do most guys deal ? most women do not hop in the sack too quick after birth meaning a good few months have to go by.......

dont think he's a troll but certainly egotistical. re read what i wrote. it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. (or blind eyes ). invest a a few more gallons of hair conditioner and try the soft soft method. u might get better results. even if she doesnt want full contact, a little fun is better then none.

bina

The OP didn't have sex with his wife for almost a year; not just 2,5 months (no sex during the entire pregnancy also as he wrote).

Sex after birth (and during pregnancy) is a complex thing and many women suffer from post natal problems, including not wanting sex.

It's not that simple I'm afraid.

Because I'm a man I can understand the frustration of the OP but it's interesting to watch the various comments by the Ladies and male members on this subject.

Personally, my wife and I never had those problems, not during pregnancy (sex until 2 days before birth, both children being 8 months when they were born and both being born within 1 year of each other) nor after birth.

Not every relationship is the same, before children, during pregnancy and after birth.

But I've seen some dramatic relationships going under because of this problem and it's not just the man to be blamed.

Consulting a sexologist could help but if both partners are willing to do so is the question and only they can answer that question themselves.

LaoPo

Edited January 5, 2010 by LaoPo

[473geo]

I read the response from Bina...women may not appreciate the attention during pregnancy.......

Anybody else thinking that no sex at all during the pregnancy is a little unusual........???

Just curious.....

Edit: question answered above as I posted......at least one other poster......

Edited January 5, 2010 by 473geo

[LaoPo]

I wonder how many men would encourage their partners to seek sexual fulfilment elsewhere if they were temporarily unable to satisfy them... ? It would be interesting to know.

Not so many will encourage; but sorry, I think the word encourage is not appropriate in your sentence.

Only a wise man will understand the needs and desires of the Lady he's connected with when he's unable to fulfill those desires if it's for a longer period of time.

Not just for a short period if he's away for business, duty or in hospital.

Real deep love is not about possession of the other, it's the empathic virtue that will make him understand.

Too many people think a marriage or close relationship is about possessing the other.

How wrong, since it's their own fear (of losing their partner) that makes them jealous.

LaoPo

[cognos]

"..in forging social relationships with these hoes and will just use them as masturbatory objects of flesh..."

Wow!! they are human beings too!! Some of them were forced or sold into the industry due to horrific economic family conditions!!

Walk a mile in her shoes!! You have a big head as well.

I feel sorry for YOUR wife

[cognos]

"..our child is 2.5 months old. we did not have sex throughout the entirety of the pregnancy..."

..did not read that part previously.. so now have some degree of empathy for your situation..you need to communicate clearly to her to ascertain when she feels she will be ready..if not soon, then she also has a problem..a good therapist may be in order, or a thai lady you both respect to use as an intermediary..good luck and God bless

try to be patient..it will pay off.. extra curricular activities only as an absolute last resort, as that could really screw up your relationship with your wife as well, as you may bond somehow with the short timer, even though you say you would NOT

[NALAK]

i am not demanding sex. i am saying that i am going out of mind and unable to properly work and exist as a human being in society with this monkey on my back. right now, i have little interest in even sleeping with my wife because the experiences are terrible and the chance of me reaching ejaculation are not even close to 100%. our child is 2.5 months old. we did not have sex throughout the entirety of the pregnancy.

sometimes i don't understand how these rules of monogamy even got forced on us considering how much more important sex is to men than women. my wife has no interest in sex but would probably have my head on a platter if she found out that i was unfaithful. god should have made the male genitals detachable so wives could keep them in their purse.

the funny thing about cheating is that, if i were to say "look, you are not interested in sex, so why dont you let me handle it myself discretely in one hour sessions and then when you are back to normal i will get tested and all will be good. i have no interest in forging social relationships with these hoes and will just use them as masturbatory objects of flesh. i am 100% committed to you and our child" the responsible thing to do, i would get eaten alive. so instead, the option to save my marriage is to continue suffering or cheat and risk passing my wife an STD.

if you use protection she will not get an STD, having the odd fling until things get back to normal may well save the marriage. maybe all the wife wanted was a child now she has a child not interested in sex with you. if you worried about STD do not pentrate, if you not had sex for 1 year you have hormonal needs, seems your wife got her hormonal change way before birth. either way you must have known what responce you going to get on ladies forum. guys with agony aunt questions always come here

Edited January 5, 2010 by NALAK

[SoiGirlHunter]

I am kinda in the same boat, except my wife was ok w sex during the pregnancy and then about 2 months after

she is totally busy with our 2 daughters etc and had a couple health issues and finally came to me and said "i feel bad i not take good care u"

and let me have girls on the side. its working out quite well so far. I was nervous at first.

i tell the girls not too worry my wife says ok but they get really afraid when she shows up. i was walking down therapaya rd with one girl

and my wife pulled up to us on her motocy just to ask me something. well the poor thai girl recognized her from portraits in my place and

literally jumped out of her shoes and started running! my wife yelled a bunch of stuff to her in thai and the girl slowly returned to us

white as a ghost. I tried to hold her hand but she didnt let me near her til wife left.

one older thai lady who owns a shop downstairs who sees me all time w different girls thought she was going to rat me out to my wife

and get me in huge trouble. we were walking by and the battleaxe called my wife over and told her i am messing around with so many girls

and even snapped some pics of me. my wife said "mai pen rai, its ok, my husband can". oh the lady was so mad! now when i walk by

her shop with a mint girl i yell "mai pen rai, wife say ok" with a big grin. oh she gets so angy you can fry an egg on her forehead.

i dont why she came after me like that as i never even spoke to her before.