3 Children , 20 Years In Thailand And 16 Years Together

[brd]

open up and talk to her as you know and she may be hoped you would know earlier on after so many years you can be sensible people. what is she missing with you ? can she realize you can be hurt if she acts so selfishly !

In the land of compromise what can be done other than to be honest with each other after so much times spent together.

It can happen all over the world and often men are the ones offering surprises to their concubines, wifes, lovers etc....

If she needs an other man what about the finances she benefits from you ? what commitment is she expecting more from you ? or what the reasons for her deviating from couple life ?

Ask her all those questions and deal with her openly as you deserve it to yourself not to feel destroyed, betrayed etc....

Who is he ?

Take well care of yourself and the heart is stronger than the head possibly in Thailand but yourself do not lose your head.

Very supportive to you and much less to her

[needforspeed]

open up and talk to her as you know and she may be hoped you would know earlier on after so many years you can be sensible people. what is she missing with you ? can she realize you can be hurt if she acts so selfishly !

In the land of compromise what can be done other than to be honest with each other after so much times spent together.

It can happen all over the world and often men are the ones offering surprises to their concubines, wifes, lovers etc....

If she needs an other man what about the finances she benefits from you ? what commitment is she expecting more from you ? or what the reasons for her deviating from couple life ?

Ask her all those questions and deal with her openly as you deserve it to yourself not to feel destroyed, betrayed etc....

Who is he ?

Take well care of yourself and the heart is stronger than the head possibly in Thailand but yourself do not lose your head.

Very supportive to you and much less to her

I try it all, discuss it all, put all options on the table didn't help

[needforspeed]

I am very sorry i cant stay in my new room, go for a few beers Thanks

[manjara]

Just don't burn your bridges yet. Give it some time now you are apart and see what you both want to do. Above all, be rational, not emotional about it - but later, when that's possible. I suspect it's not that easy to be rational at the moment.

My wife and I have had big arguments in the past where I have thought about myself in the position you are now in. It didn't feel good to me and I made compromises to keep things as they were. 16 years is a BIG investment, do you really want to sell at the low point??

[Carib]

My relation is over after 16 years and 4 months.

I feel for you... hang in there..

[doubledoppelganger]

Cease all the bank accounts, then one hefty backhander!

[BigWheelMan]

I am very sorry i cant stay in my new room, go for a few beers Thanks

Have been following your situation with interest and hoped that all would have turned out all right.

I am so sorry with the outcome to all this and feel for you, I really do.

Went through the same myself a long time ago back in England. Eventually you do get over it but not as easy as some might suggest.

I hope you have some decent supporting friends, because at times like this, you need non-judgmental people with good listening ears.

I don`t know where you live, but if you visit Chiang Mai, you and I could meet in town and have a good old chat over a few drinks. PM me if you plan to visit Chiang Mai and we can meet.

I also have Skype if you fancy a chat with me. Have years of experience and the scars to prove it.

BWM

Edited March 9, 2010 by BigWheelMan

[StreetCowboy]

I am very sorry i cant stay in my new room, go for a few beers Thanks

I hope you're busy when you go back off-shore, with plenty to occupy your mind... is there any maintenance or stuff that you can bring forward?

Very best wishes for you and the kids,

SC

[jayjayjayjay]

I am very sorry i cant stay in my new room, go for a few beers Thanks

NFS, you didn't tell us what went down. From the start you suspected something. Posters, some genuinely concerned, some passing jokers and some idiots all contributed opinions, sometimes advice. It sounded from a week ago you were going bring all to the table, but did not explain what went down. She having an affair or not? Have you given her a choice, have you tried or considered help? Sometimes if you expose another their response might be more reactive trying to hide their shame and possible remorse-fullness. Have you left all doors open for patching up differences. Put it this way, your not the first to have partnership problems.

Edited March 10, 2010 by jayjayjayjay

[manarak]

care to share any details about your post of 09.03. ?

I guess you had that discussion.

what was being said? is she bored?

what about the children?

[MJP]

For what it's worth, the wife has been gone some 14 months now and I feel great! No interest in relationships, never bother again it's all nonsense anyway. I feel free. Not just from her evil, but from my own psychological shackles.

Needforspeed, just sort it out so the kids are okay and move on, it's no great shakes. Enjoy the rest of your life.

[Artabus]

I am very sorry i cant stay in my new room, go for a few beers Thanks

Hello NFS

Have followed your story from the first post. You really impress me. You seem pretty level headed, very organised. There's been some good advice on here, and you've taken it and applied it. Not a bad achievement under the circumstances!

So, keep the faith with yourself. You will recover, you will move on, you will be fine. Your problems have happened to lots of people, in one form or another. We've all got past it; that may or may not be a comfort to you at present. Relationship-wise, your life can even get to a place where it's better than it was at any time during the last 16 years. Truly.

Now, with regard to the children, yes, that is difficult. Some people never get back what they had. But, reading through your posts, I don't think that will be the case with you. Good luck though. Feel free to PM me if you'd like any advice / thoughts on that side of things.

[connel707]

OK didn't read all the replies (I admit), but waded through a few.

A few things...

Who translated the letters (was it done right - second opinion)? Trust me on this, I have had tyhings translated officially and still cvomes out with a completely different meaning. Get a few close friends (or maybe a few wives here will translate scans for you). You may be chasing a shadow that doesn't exist.

Its good you didn't confront her, this will not go the way it would (should?) in the west, she will lose face guity or not and just get angry withg you and nothing will be achieved or learned IMO.

First check you facts, don't let suspision and emotion dictate your actions.

As to you expensive pictures etc, that's an easy one. When she's out have them all put in storage. When she comes back tell her they've been sent for appraisal for insurance and it will take a few weeks.

If the kids are in their 20's, maybe you could ask them about what's happeneing. This could be dangerous too of course, only you know them well enough to judge it.

One thing no one is mentioning here - if this affair (if indeed there is one) has been going on for a while, then she has stayed with you. When you return she is there for you, yes. She hasn't sold all your stuff and emptied you accounts, ramprd up the credit cards or taken loans out agianst the house (all this I presume of course - as you do not mention such), so many of the stories and comparisons being made here do not fly IMO. Have you thought that she really does love you, but misses you and uses this other guy as a replacement you until the real thing comes home?

Letters are emotion on paper, they do not an affair make. Has this "affair" been physical?

Can you take a sabatical from work and spoend a bit longer in LoS with the family to re-cement things. You can be very clever this way, without confronting her, you can relay a story about a friend in Germany (or wherever) who has been married to a woman for 16 years has kids etc etc etc, putting the woman in a slightly bad light and ending the story with how much SHE lost. Sounds silly perhaps, but I can tell you I know it has worked before in your sort of situation (I ncan't go into it, but it is much closer to your story than many related here).

How would you feel about making an honest woman of her. Planning a wedding can do wonders for a womans morale too. It is surely the best way to say "I love you".

There is always a warning that maybe you should protect yourself too. This is sensible whatever the outcome.

Good luck my friend

is she from Issan..?

[needforspeed]

is she from Issan..?

She is not, but is so what is the problem if you are from Issan.

[needforspeed]

Just don't burn your bridges yet. Give it some time now you are apart and see what you both want to do. Above all, be rational, not emotional about it - but later, when that's possible. I suspect it's not that easy to be rational at the moment.

My wife and I have had big arguments in the past where I have thought about myself in the position you are now in. It didn't feel good to me and I made compromises to keep things as they were. 16 years is a BIG investment, do you really want to sell at the low point??

I agree but i didnt sell it after just a few small issues, even i didnt burn it when i was emotional, the emotion came after.

[needforspeed]

I am very sorry i cant stay in my new room, go for a few beers Thanks

Have been following your situation with interest and hoped that all would have turned out all right.

I am so sorry with the outcome to all this and feel for you, I really do.

Went through the same myself a long time ago back in England. Eventually you do get over it but not as easy as some might suggest.

I hope you have some decent supporting friends, because at times like this, you need non-judgmental people with good listening ears.

I don`t know where you live, but if you visit Chiang Mai, you and I could meet in town and have a good old chat over a few drinks. PM me if you plan to visit Chiang Mai and we can meet.

I also have Skype if you fancy a chat with me. Have years of experience and the scars to prove it.

BWM

BWM,

Thanks a lot but i am at Bangkok just for another week and than going to work appriciate all the good advice, thanks

[needforspeed]

care to share any details about your post of 09.03. ?

I guess you had that discussion.

what was being said? is she bored?

what about the children?

Yes i when on a holiday for 5 days with the children.

Second evening i discuss it all, she denied it all, till i got the prove there.

She start crying but didnt talk again, the only thing she told me was that she would leave.

I told her she can stay in the house and we will discuss details later when it all cooled down a little bit, asked her if i can come to see the children or take them with me wasnt a problem.

[StreetCowboy]

8>< SNIP - Nested quotes deleted ><8

Yes i when on a holiday for 5 days with the children.

Second evening i discuss it all, she denied it all, till i got the prove there.

She start crying but didnt talk again, the only thing she told me was that she would leave.

I told her she can stay in the house and we will discuss details later when it all cooled down a little bit, asked her if i can come to see the children or take them with me wasnt a problem.

I'm happy that you are both being sensible. I was a little nervous when you went off for a drink that might all end in tears...

Remember when you go back off-shore: worrying won't help, but doing a good job will.

(I wish I could take my own advice...)

I'm sorry - its such a long thread - I can't remember how old are your children?

All the very best for the future

SC

[needforspeed]

8>< SNIP - Nested quotes deleted ><8

Yes i when on a holiday for 5 days with the children.

Second evening i discuss it all, she denied it all, till i got the prove there.

She start crying but didnt talk again, the only thing she told me was that she would leave.

I told her she can stay in the house and we will discuss details later when it all cooled down a little bit, asked her if i can come to see the children or take them with me wasnt a problem.

I'm happy that you are both being sensible. I was a little nervous when you went off for a drink that might all end in tears...

Remember when you go back off-shore: worrying won't help, but doing a good job will.

(I wish I could take my own advice...)

I'm sorry - its such a long thread - I can't remember how old are your children?

All the very best for the future

SC

5, 10 and 13 years

[StreetCowboy]

8>< SNIP - Nested quotes deleted ><8

...

I'm sorry - its such a long thread - I can't remember how old are your children?

All the very best for the future

SC

5, 10 and 13 years

I was 11 or 12 when my parents separated; I didn't understand why until years later, talking to a cousin of mine. But my parents kept on good terms, and I think my elder brother and I grew up fairly well-adjusted. Except for my obvious and latent character defects, but I don't think I can blame my upbringing or parents for that. Anyway, my brother is very pleasant and sensible...

Look after yourself, and look for ways to enjoy yourself, with the kids and on your own; and keep in touch, and don't listen to (other) idiots

SC

[needforspeed]

8>< SNIP - Nested quotes deleted ><8

...

I'm sorry - its such a long thread - I can't remember how old are your children?

All the very best for the future

SC

5, 10 and 13 years

I was 11 or 12 when my parents separated; I didn't understand why until years later, talking to a cousin of mine. But my parents kept on good terms, and I think my elder brother and I grew up fairly well-adjusted. Except for my obvious and latent character defects, but I don't think I can blame my upbringing or parents for that. Anyway, my brother is very pleasant and sensible...

Look after yourself, and look for ways to enjoy yourself, with the kids and on your own; and keep in touch, and don't listen to (other) idiots

SC

Thanks,

I still have the feeling that i need to do everything just for my children even if i need to give up my pleasures in live, same my own parents did.

[StreetCowboy]

8>< SNIP NESTED QUOTES DELETED 8><

I still have the feeling that i need to do everything just for my children even if i need to give up my pleasures in live, same my own parents did.

I mean that even when you are not with your kids, still enjoy yourself - don't spend your time worrying and being miserable.

SC

[needforspeed]

8>< SNIP NESTED QUOTES DELETED 8><

I still have the feeling that i need to do everything just for my children even if i need to give up my pleasures in live, same my own parents did.

I mean that even when you are not with your kids, still enjoy yourself - don't spend your time worrying and being miserable.

SC

Now at this moment enjoying is very difficult as my mind is confused and yes i feel miserable.

[StreetCowboy]

8>< SNIP NESTED QUOTES DELETED 8><

I still have the feeling that i need to do everything just for my children even if i need to give up my pleasures in live, same my own parents did.

I mean that even when you are not with your kids, still enjoy yourself - don't spend your time worrying and being miserable.

SC

Now at this moment enjoying is very difficult as my mind is confused and yes i feel miserable.

CHEER UP!

BE MORE ENTERPRISING!

TAKE AN INTEREST IN THINGS!

It really doesn't work, does it? I'm sorry I don't have a 'magic bullet' to kill the blues - I'd have used it years ago anyway, if I had...Just don't feel guilty whenever you've got the chance to enjoy yourself.

I'd better get back to work I suppose... I'm alone in the office on a fairly demoralising project at the moment, so its easy to lose focus on the end-goal.

SC

[needforspeed]

I mean that even when you are not with your kids, still enjoy yourself - don't spend your time worrying and being miserable.

SC

Now at this moment enjoying is very difficult as my mind is confused and yes i feel miserable.

CHEER UP!

BE MORE ENTERPRISING!

TAKE AN INTEREST IN THINGS!

It really doesn't work, does it? I'm sorry I don't have a 'magic bullet' to kill the blues - I'd have used it years ago anyway, if I had...Just don't feel guilty whenever you've got the chance to enjoy yourself.

I'd better get back to work I suppose... I'm alone in the office on a fairly demoralising project at the moment, so its easy to lose focus on the end-goal.

SC

I just scared about the future, not for me or my job but just for what she is going to do segarding my children

[kanderson]

I am very sorry i cant stay in my new room, go for a few beers Thanks

I went though moving out of a condo I owned once - it did get rid of G/F - but very lonely. Then a rebound girl.

For Males over 40 or 50 years old - one idea is AndroGel - as your testosrogene is becoming very low (natually).

Low T levels can affect every part of your life.

My T level was low - and life wasn't the same. I didn't even know about AndroGel.

I married a Thai Woman 10 years ago and we have 2 kids. So many problems aloing the way including infidelity.

You can't believe how I just use my Wife for sex when my T levels are OK.

also - who cares about flings and such really. We all have fantisy about that - male and female.

Maybe sometimes we can disrepect that female organ a bit. Just do it like you want.

For me the hormone replacement makes me more like I should be mentally.

Viagra could help - but it doen't help the hormone ( low T level ). Libido - mood - everything for a man is T- level.

Depression is also a side affect of low T level.

Possibly a few weeks of AndroGel - and you can go and just use your Wife for sex - as it's so good. You might not care about

the other guy so much (assuming fixed low T- level ).

Makeup sex - is just that - a wonderful thing.

For many Men - we loose that something as we get older. The something is Male hormone.

It's like -I'm ready - nothing to do with viagra. It's mood - how can I say ?

Many many millions of Men are not aware of their T level as they get older.

It can cost 300 baht per day - but well worth it for Men 40 plus years old.

For those who have had a party life - drinking - smoking etc. your T level goes down allot faster usually.

I use AndroGel - I'm probably going to have sex with my Wife who cheated years ago. I cheated too - so now we have

settled in a bit.

Without AndroGel to keep my T level up - I'm afraid I wouldn't want to use her - over and over again for sex.

I'm sure it seems so weird to most of you out there. However all men really do need it at some point. It is life changing to maintain your T level. Relationships - motivation - on and on - nice days.

If OP has low T-levels - try AndroGel.

I'm not kidding - it can help most men.

[flemmie]

I just scared about the future, not for me or my job but just for what she is going to do segarding my children

Dear NFS

I have read your predicament and you have done the right things. I do not always agree with what others give you as advice, but I can agree that the kids is the major worry right now. Contrary to what has happened to some posters here, I was miserable when my parents stayed together because of "the kid" (I was alone). This was primarily because one of them needed to hack in on the other all the time which left me precisely... in the middle, with all the guilt feelings and uncertainties this brought along. I would have wished then that they would have split up and get on with their lives (I was 14 at the time).

I agree that with your situation, your kids will spend much more time with mom than with you and it is important how their mother interacts with them especially about daddy.

I feel for you in your predicament and only time will tell what will happen... or not.

I applaud you on your decision to continue to be daddy no matter what.

All the best.

[manarak]

care to share any details about your post of 09.03. ?

I guess you had that discussion.

what was being said? is she bored?

what about the children?

Yes i when on a holiday for 5 days with the children.

Second evening i discuss it all, she denied it all, till i got the prove there.

She start crying but didnt talk again, the only thing she told me was that she would leave.

I told her she can stay in the house and we will discuss details later when it all cooled down a little bit, asked her if i can come to see the children or take them with me wasnt a problem.

Thank you for that post.

It doesn't seem to me that the discussion is closed though.

Leaving is fleeing. Indeed you need to discuss again after some nights of sleep and thought.

In your situation, I would want the "WHY" question to be answered.

In my case, it was after 10 years and the root cause is a conjunction of boredom and biology, and the refusal to accept that future life would only consist of working and caring for the children.

Did she do a good job upholding the masquerade in front of the children?

Disclosing now a bit of my own situation, I can say I am still very close with my wife, but we are in a kind of "open relationship". We chose to stay together inspite of each others' errands.

Now at this moment enjoying is very difficult as my mind is confused and yes i feel miserable.

Yes, I know that feeling - it will stay with you for some weeks.

On the other hand, it is maybe time for you to try something else and fulfill some of these wet dreams every man has - Thailand is the right place for that.

Your soul needs some time to adjust to the new situation.

Maybe you'll even decide to stay with your GF at least until your youngest child is older enough - and maybe you'll stay together even longer, who knows?

In this perspective Kanderson's post makes sense, but regardless of the result, the important thing is to enjoy yourself.

I think there are still chances that your GF will come back crawling on the ground asking you to forgive her.

or maybe not...

and it is up to you if you would like to see this happen or not, or if you keep an open door to let it happen or not...

aaah, choices.

I was miserable when my parents stayed together because of "the kid" (I was alone). This was primarily because one of them needed to hack in on the other all the time which left me precisely... in the middle, with all the guilt feelings and uncertainties this brought along. I would have wished then that they would have split up and get on with their lives (I was 14 at the time).

That happens when the parents are not good at "playing".

With my wife, we swore never to let the kids know until they are old enough to take it.

We are still very kind to each other, so that will not be a problem.

But by then we may well already have decided to bury the whole story anyway, and maybe we'll never tell anything.

Edited March 11, 2010 by manarak

[golferchin76]

First of all mate take a deep breath and don't do anything silly today (although I wouldn't blame you).

Before you throw the b i a t c h out the door, get your ducks in order.

Thanks mate,

I am not a guy doing silly thinks that is the reason i didnt tell her.

One problem is that i am going to work next week, maybey need to keep it for myself but it is F@*%ng difficult for me.

Give myself some time to make a plan, but i dont know.

Just crying in the toilet here, that is just how i feel.

Mate my mother, brother, younger sister, and I have been through shit like that. My mom's 25 yrs all the time knowing my father's been cheating. What was holding her up was the kids. She waited until the kids grew up, and filed a divorce. My father does not sign it, and now they live separately, yet I love them both. I cried for that when I was in college overseas. My brother's relationship lasted 10 yrs with 2 beautiful kids until one day the wife said to him, 'I want a divorce.' and she had been cheating for 2 yrs for as far as I knew and didn't want to break the news. He was shouting and crying in front of me, he said, 'everything that I worked hard for, feels meaningless now. I don't even know the purpose of why I am working hard. Everything feels so empty and meaningless.' My younger sister's ex-relationship ended up violently with the Thai guy cheating and turned into a parasite, alcoholic. She went through an extremely difficult year, dealing both the relationship and job. My last relationship, the girl cheated on me over her old time lesbian friend, we were together for five years. And the one before that, I suffered from depression when it ended.

All is well now. My father and mother both got their soul mate. My brother took the hard hit, stayed single, and kids now growing up. He appears a little bit too 'cool' sometimes but he's all good when kids are around. (he's the hard guy type) My younger sister is getting married in a month with a responsible Chinese Malaysian guy, a good one in my eyes. I got married 2 years ago with a Thai women who's half year older than me. I never 'know' the meaning of love and commitment until I met her.

Mate I am 34 yrs old, I have never been through a 16 year relationship, but I have been through my own major sadness twice and the above-mentioned family crisis, so sad I have suicidal thoughts and needed to see doctors.

What I try to say here is that. Things like this are very difficult in the beginning. Friends will try to help you, their supports is from good heart but nonetheless only useful to a certain degree, because your wound is too large and too personal and only "TIME" can heal it. TIME is the only thing that will see your wound healed. And your kids maybe the only treasure that will help you go through this crisis. (that's my mother and brother put their focus on the children, I don't know if that applies to you?) There are other means of help, such as religion, exercise, seeking professional consults. In my personal experience, professional consult and his subsequent advice of exercise are two best methods that helped me through my crisis. However, it may take a few attempts to find a consult that suits you.(some are just ignorant to people's feelings and make you feel like you are talking to a robot)

You may feel like it is the end of the world. Major sadness and hopelessness just creep in no matter what you do. Some people may say to you, 'tough it up, it is not end of the world.' Those you have to ignore and stay away. People who went through crisis know it actually felt like the end of their world.

But trust me on this. If you make the right decisions now, at the end, things will turn bright in your world. If you seek proper professional help, take care of your kids, try to hang on to your job, see friends more often, let go of the cheating partner (very hard). Half years from today, you will be more than half healed. less than a year from today, you will thank me for my post. And from there you will venture into new relationship. Someday when you look back at this and you will almost forget what you have felt. This is tried and tested.

Mate, TIME will heal you, and professional help will make the process easier to deal with. If you need someone to message to keep you busy, you can PM me.

[needforspeed]

Mate my mother, brother, younger sister, and I have been through shit like that. My mom's 25 yrs all the time knowing my father's been cheating. What was holding her up was the kids. She waited until the kids grew up, and filed a divorce. My father does not sign it, and now they live separately, yet I love them both. I cried for that when I was in college overseas. My brother's relationship lasted 10 yrs with 2 beautiful kids until one day the wife said to him, 'I want a divorce.' and she had been cheating for 2 yrs for as far as I knew and didn't want to break the news. He was shouting and crying in front of me, he said, 'everything that I worked hard for, feels meaningless now. I don't even know the purpose of why I am working hard. Everything feels so empty and meaningless.' My younger sister's ex-relationship ended up violently with the Thai guy cheating and turned into a parasite, alcoholic. She went through an extremely difficult year, dealing both the relationship and job. My last relationship, the girl cheated on me over her old time lesbian friend, we were together for five years. And the one before that, I suffered from depression when it ended.

All is well now. My father and mother both got their soul mate. My brother took the hard hit, stayed single, and kids now growing up. He appears a little bit too 'cool' sometimes but he's all good when kids are around. (he's the hard guy type) My younger sister is getting married in a month with a responsible Chinese Malaysian guy, a good one in my eyes. I got married 2 years ago with a Thai women who's half year older than me. I never 'know' the meaning of love and commitment until I met her.

Mate I am 34 yrs old, I have never been through a 16 year relationship, but I have been through my own major sadness twice and the above-mentioned family crisis, so sad I have suicidal thoughts and needed to see doctors.

What I try to say here is that. Things like this are very difficult in the beginning. Friends will try to help you, their supports is from good heart but nonetheless only useful to a certain degree, because your wound is too large and too personal and only "TIME" can heal it. TIME is the only thing that will see your wound healed. And your kids maybe the only treasure that will help you go through this crisis. (that's my mother and brother put their focus on the children, I don't know if that applies to you?) There are other means of help, such as religion, exercise, seeking professional consults. In my personal experience, professional consult and his subsequent advice of exercise are two best methods that helped me through my crisis. However, it may take a few attempts to find a consult that suits you.(some are just ignorant to people's feelings and make you feel like you are talking to a robot)

You may feel like it is the end of the world. Major sadness and hopelessness just creep in no matter what you do. Some people may say to you, 'tough it up, it is not end of the world.' Those you have to ignore and stay away. People who went through crisis know it actually felt like the end of their world.

But trust me on this. If you make the right decisions now, at the end, things will turn bright in your world. If you seek proper professional help, take care of your kids, try to hang on to your job, see friends more often, let go of the cheating partner (very hard). Half years from today, you will be more than half healed. less than a year from today, you will thank me for my post. And from there you will venture into new relationship. Someday when you look back at this and you will almost forget what you have felt. This is tried and tested.

Mate, TIME will heal you, and professional help will make the process easier to deal with. If you need someone to message to keep you busy, you can PM me.

Happy to hear that you doing allright, thanks sharing your experience with me.

Yes i know going to be a difficult time and i need to focus on good things instead off the problems.

Thanks a lot