Thai Funeral

[Lancelot]

I apologize in advance if this missive is unfocused but I just wanted to share some observations from attending the first day of my girls friends father's funeral.

Life can be strange and our time here on earth is always arbitrary and uncertain. The GF's father had suffered from throat cancer for the past two years and was recently pronounced 100% cured. He had been enjoying life, doing some fishing, feeding his cats and seemed at peace with the world. My GF was supposed to visit me this past weekend, but I begged off and she went to her home town instead. For the currious minds, my GF is university educated and works at a bank in Bangkok. When we are together, I pay for our food and other expenditures, but she receives no "stipend from me and i doubt that she would accept one if I were to offer.

Anyway, she was about to board the bus back to BKK when the old fellow kneeled over and clutched his heart. My GF and her nephew sat him upright and her brother in law drove him to the hospital, "Like a rocket" as my GF put it.

Her Father passed on and luckily -if there are any fortunate things to be from these situations- she was there at his side when he passed on.

The next day I got the call and I fueled up the motor bike and headed for Chonburi. I managed to find the family compound (her extended family) but all was silent. After several "Sawasdee krabs!" her nephew appeared and guided me to the temple. The family seemed suprised, but in an accepting way, and I pitched in to set up tables and help with the other mundane logistical tasks involved with hosting guest to pay their respects to the deceased.

Her Father's body was lying covered on a table and I participated in the pouring of scented water over the hands. He was then lifted into his casket and we covered his body with squares of paper appearing to be chinese good luck symbols and other expressions of good will. His nostrils and mouth were filled with cotton, but I could detect no odor. My GF explained that he was given an injection at the hospital morgue to preserve his body; however I am not certain if that was an actual embalming or not. His casket was closed with a board fitting the opening so precise that I was amazed at the accuracy of workmanship, then sealed with masking tape. I helped to carry his casket to the -for lack of better understanding- to set it upon twin piers for proper display and effect. Boquets of flowers were set in front and then the ubiquitious small incandecent blinking lights completed the scene. Impressive and and fitting if I may allow.

In some ways the scene reminded me of my childhood experiences in a small town in the American south. In the front public area, mourners were received and all due respect was paid to the deceased. Out back the men produced endless bottles of beer whiskey for those in need of refreshment and a quiet joke or laugh. Yours truly politely partook and amused the boys with my akward thai.

Around 2200 the room holding the body was closed and we went to my GF's home. All day she had been stoic, but later she broke down and wept as the young child in her fathers arms as she so fervently wished to be again. At moments like this I feel so incompetent and inadequent for not knowing the right words to offer as I might use to ease her pain. All I can do is to hold her, listen and give my complete attention. Her conduct is, as always, sdmirable and I hope that I may comport myself half as well when I must say goodbye to my Father.

I was accepted, made welcome and never asked for anything. I put some money in an envelope and placed it in a place that my GF was certain to find.

Comming from the west I have observed many differences between our respective cultures; however, at the end of the day blood is still red, pain and grief are still real. I believe I will remember this experience for many a year and I hope if anything good may become of such experience it will be for me one of understanding and forbearance.

[khunandy]

I kind of like the way Thais hold a funeral, first one freaked me out a bit but in Issan they tend to make a 3 day party out of it which spoils the actually ceramony somewhat.

Bit of a pity you felt you had to clarify your teeruks bonifides tho

(Edit spelling: ceremony, cerimony ceramony ?????)

Edited February 3, 2010 by khunandy

[wileycoyote]

Well observed.

Good posting

[barrybankruad]

I kind of like the way Thais hold a funeral, first one freaked me out a bit but in Issan they tend to make a 3 day party out of it which spoils the actually ceramony somewhat.

Bit of a pity you felt you had to clarify your teeruks bonifides tho

(Edit spelling: ceremony, cerimony ceramony ?????)

Sad but lovely story. Have been to many Thai funerals and admit that sometimes if it was somebody I knew well, tears came to my eyes. This somewhat surprised the Thais who have (I think) a 'face' attitude whereby they tend not to show much emotion.

Many farangs therefore tend to adopt the attitude that 'life here is cheap', whereas they go a funeral with 'doom and gloom' in mind. Thais celebrate a persons death for they know that if the deceased was a good person, then surely Nirbana will be their reward.

[khunandy]

I kind of like the way Thais hold a funeral, first one freaked me out a bit but in Issan they tend to make a 3 day party out of it which spoils the actually ceramony somewhat.

Bit of a pity you felt you had to clarify your teeruks bonifides tho

(Edit spelling: ceremony, cerimony ceramony ?????)

Sad but lovely story. Have been to many Thai funerals and admit that sometimes if it was somebody I knew well, tears came to my eyes. This somewhat surprised the Thais who have (I think) a 'face' attitude whereby they tend not to show much emotion.

Many farangs therefore tend to adopt the attitude that 'life here is cheap', whereas they go a funeral with 'doom and gloom' in mind. Thais celebrate a persons death for they know that if the deceased was a good person, then surely Nirbana will be their reward.

Wife told me that tears at a funeral may delay the accent to heaven...dont know if that is an old wifes tale to keep the young'uns in check but I have rarely seen adult tears at a Thai funeral..not in public anyway but I have seemn a few privately shed tears which is natural I suppose.

In the North (dont know about elsewhere) the deceased is cremated with their favourite possessions, I was suprised to see small gifts I had delivered over the years on the pile at the last funeral..that touched me in a strange sort of way

I still miss that old girl

[geriatrickid]

I have been able to avoid a few funerals but unfortunately had to attend one of the "presentation" events a few months ago. I'm just not comfortable with the big productions that seem to accompany these things. Families would be better off spending the money on the living after giving a respectful send off to the deceased. I've never understood the desire to be be in a place where a dead body is on display. Even in the lab, we used to cover a cadaver with a sheet when we weren't working on it. I just don't understand why some cultures, western ones especially, have "viewings". The person is dead. Dispose of the body please. It just creeps me out to walk into a funeral parlour and there's grampa Seamus all injected with formaldehyde and covered in makeup while the kinfolk stare at him and touch him. At least at Thai funerals no one starts kissing the corpse and no one flings themselves upon the body screaming, Lordie Lordie, why, why, etc. etc. I much prefer the Muslim and Jewish approach where the body is disposed of within 24 hours. Fancy funerals are frowned upon and they are to be kept simple. Seems to me, that it benefits everyone in the long run: You have closure and you don't waste money on a material display.

[jdinasia]

I kind of like the way Thais hold a funeral, first one freaked me out a bit but in Issan they tend to make a 3 day party out of it which spoils the actually ceramony somewhat.

Bit of a pity you felt you had to clarify your teeruks bonifides tho

(Edit spelling: ceremony, cerimony ceramony ?????)

Sad but lovely story. Have been to many Thai funerals and admit that sometimes if it was somebody I knew well, tears came to my eyes. This somewhat surprised the Thais who have (I think) a 'face' attitude whereby they tend not to show much emotion.

Many farangs therefore tend to adopt the attitude that 'life here is cheap', whereas they go a funeral with 'doom and gloom' in mind. Thais celebrate a persons death for they know that if the deceased was a good person, then surely Nirbana will be their reward.

I think the lack of tears would often be expressed as an acceptance that this cycle has ended but not life itself. I doubt many would think that a loved one will 'go to nirvana' but that if they were on the whole "good" that a better life may be in store for them next.

For me, tears at a funeral are an expression of self-pity and I avoid them. That being said I tend to indulge in that self-pity when I am alone later. I have certainly seen plenty of tears at funeral here in Thailand and even more at the wakes I have been to. The thing about the wakes is they give people a chance to cope with emotion and be able to lay it off on the booze.

These opinions are my own and not intended as a rebuke to the poster I quoted .. just an alternative way of seeing things