What's The Worst Thing You've Had To Wipe Your Arse With?

[Jingthing]

yeh,where have you been JT?

A fella could assume you've had a little holiday considering your abscence from the Takko files of late.

but yeh, good to see the resident rambunctious red shirt slayer back in town

someones gotta keep the country bumpkins honest

We are guests in this country. Let the Thais work it out. Don't expect any continued comments from me on Thai politics. And God forbid (no offense intended to atheists and agnostics), no more polls! Too controversial!

Edited February 10, 2010 by Jingthing

[xen]

I have worked as a gardener in many public parks and both human shit and dogshit are a occupational hazard. Imagine hitting a fresh dogshit with a lawn mower or worse still with a brushcutter/whipper snipper. But the worse i have seen are human shits frying on public BBQ's that are provided in the parks for picnics. Obviously a good way to end a night out on the town.

The other thing is i dread using public toilets in LOS. U pay yr 2 baht for a piece of paper and with my falung arse u need to buy five times that amount. That is why i have began going out with those medicated personal wipes just to by-pass the middle manat the door of the toilets. And i hate it when u are squating next to the bin full of used tissues because they can't be flushed down the squat toilet.

[Ulysses G.]

got talking to a guy out in turkey while on holiday, a para in the british army. he told me that while on a tour of duty out in hong kong, his unit were given a refresher course in basic survival technics.

one of the topics was "how to use a single peice of tissue paper to wipe your arse"

these were the instructions that followed.

1. take a single sheet of tissue paper.

2. fold it in half, and then fold it in half again.

3. now take the square shaped tissue and fold it corner to corner, to make a triangle, making sure that one corner of the triangle is still fully intact and the other two side if opened up would form a cone. so to speak.

(with me so far)

4. now from the corner that is still intact fold over and over.

5. tear out a small peice of tissue from the pointed end and put to one side.

6. proceed to take a crap.

7. take the large peice of tissue, spit on it and whipe ones backside, ensuring all dingle berries, particles and so forth, are removed whilst cleaning, making sure all cracks, hole and crevasses are accounted for.(reason being do not want to draw attention to the area, any creepy crawlys, bugs, ants, flys etc... whislt out in the bush tropics)

8. now take the small peice of tissue paper put to one side and proceed to clean ones finger nails, finger tips and hand.

9. take the two peices of tissue and dispose of, on top of the shit.

10. proceed to cover the area with dirt, twigs, and leaves. so not to leave any trace of human movements, that the enemy may be able to pick up on.

the guy swore that it was basic british army proceedure!

hey jingthing youre back, where you been man. starting to get a bit worried there.

They always insisted that we use "one square" in the Marine Corps, but I don't think that anyone ever actually did it.

[RCR]

I was in a deserted street in Kabul in 1972 when I was approached by an Afghan soldier. He had a shaved head, thick brown uniform and an old rifle. Scary looking. I was feeling a bit paranoid because I'd been helping a Christian organistation feed western prisoners, plus my visa had expired. The soldier grunted something at me so I froze on the spot.

He gave me a foul stare and put his rifle on the hood of a car. Then he looked around, found a smooth rock on the road and hefted it for a few seconds, appearing to judge its weight.

I thought - "Oh no, he's going to stone me to death."

Then he gave me another foul stare and put the stone on the hood of the car. He started unbuckling his thick leather belt.

I thought - "Oh no, he's going to do unnatural things to me. Then he's going to stone me to death."

The soldier continued staring at me. Then he dropped his pants, squatted in the road in front of me, and did a poo.

He picked up the rock, wiped his bum with it, tossed it aside, rebelted his trousers and took up his rifle. With one more dirty look at me, he shambled away down the road.

[Carlosm]

A Liverpool football shirt.... i've heard they're always full of it

[Pakaty]

Back on the farm we had an outhouse. In the outhouse there was a bucket of corn cobs. We would use a brown one first, then use a white one to see if we needed another brown one. Some people liked to butter their corn butt we were too poor.

[katana]

I was riding home on an aircon bus the other day fully crowded standing with little room to move and some stupid lady brings on a bag with a used diaper in it.

Another time I've seen a kid have to shit on the seat because they didn't have any money for diapers.

I saw the same in KFC in BKK once. The little kid left a present on the seat. When the family saw what happened, they made a quick exit. The staff didn't look too happy when they came to clean up the table and saw what awaited them.

Edited February 11, 2010 by katana

[cdnvic]

in a pinch.

Was that pun intended?

[moetownblues]

wow a thread on arse wiping now this is different

[IanForbes]

The ex wife's cat... but maybe that is why she is my ex.

This comes a close second best...

[choppertony]

I was caught short while out walking the ex mother in laws dog , It came over that fast I never had time to look for arse whipe ing material , It was a case of trousers down as fast as possible then let loose , I was surrounded by very short Sheep eaten grass nothing in sight anywhere to use , The dog was sniffing around me his big bushy tail wagging furiously , yes you guessed it ! the dogs tail was used .

Sometimes certain things remind me of this and I start howling in laughter with people looking at me or moving away thinking i.m the local nutter . .

[monkeyofdoom]

Fairly smooth river rocks.

Chinese yuan.

The cardboard part of the toilet roll.

[YanTree]

If I have no interest in reading responses to this but if any demented fk want's to read mine, here you go

When I was about 12 we were on a camping trip and I woke up with terrible diarrhea. Bathrooms were not open yet so I went behind some tree's - didn't think of how I would wipe, just needed to shit quickly. When I had the relief of it all being out the horror set in of my messy ass and I had no idea what to do - I tried using what little was on the ground but it was just pinecones and pine needles, it was summer and everything was dry. So I used my hand and wiped it off later and pulled up my pants. All morning I was shy as hel_l because I could feel it going down my leg and still all over my arse. Finally my mom asked me if I had shat myself and I explained. She helped me get sorted.

Next worse time was in a nightclub in college. Again horrible diarrhea and was happy to make it into the bathroom just in time. Shat it all out and then realized no toilet paper. It was a busy nightclub so lots of people going in and out of the toilet and I was plastered - so wasn't about to go stumbling out for some hand towels. I decided to take off my underwear and use them. Worked like a charm - I was back on the dance floor a few minutes later.

Edited February 14, 2010 by YanTree

[cdnvic]

Going home never occurred to you?

[toptuan]

Stinging nettles.

Worse: Devil's Club

Topside: The perfect, broad, soft smooth leaf to accomplish such a job.

Underside: A total nightmare of barbs and thorns which cover not only the underside of the leaves but stems and branches. Contain enough poison to do some serious swelling.

The good news: Haven't found any in Thailand, yet.

[Loz]

Cheap hotel Shower Curtain...

I'd not left a deposit and they hadn't swiped my card (pun intended)

Only other thing that comes close but I still think is ingenious, a 7/11 bag.

[steffi]

Cheap hotel Shower Curtain...

I'd not left a deposit and they hadn't swiped my card (pun intended)

Only other thing that comes close but I still think is ingenious, a 7/11 bag.

So how well does finishing up with Wet Ones work then? Yesterday I was at Fortune Town and they don't have any AC in their bathrooms and I went thru a whole tissue box (facial tissue) just get the job done and I still ended up with shit stained underwear. I reckon finishing up with the wipes might solve that problem.