Soooooo Hard Being A Hertero Male In Bangkok

[MrJohnson]

Take up a hobby. I suggest stamp collecting.

[tooninthai]

Do you eat??

Silly question? Not really.

OK, you do not drink, but you do eat, so why not find a few nice restaurants to go to? Restaurants are full of people who do not drink alcohol. There are also often plenty of decent women in those too and that can include the staff.

A few visits to some of these establishments and you can set up some relationships with people who see you are single (no woman in tow) and then they do notice. But you need to interact with them. Be a bit cheeky. I found that can work wonders.

Added to that. There are a lot of Thai women who do not drink. Good Thai women. You will not find them in pubs and clubs. they would love to meet a decent man.

There are also other places, like the park, the river, shopping malls, the local food market. Regular trips to any of these on your own will soon acquire the interest of some women.

Shy? Fair enough, but as others have said, a quick 'Hello' can break the ice. A smile too at a woman you fancy can work, especially if you go to her place of work regularly. In these cases it takes a little time for them to see you are single. Those who cannot speak English at all and are really interested will get someone else to ask you basic questions about where you come from, where you live, what you do and if you have a wife. The info is then passed on to the enquirer.

Believe me, the women DO notce a single white male shopping on his own

Good luck LM

[Latindancer]

On the few occasions that I do socialize with drinking friends, i now see them in a different light and see loud, rude, know it all, argumentative people.

Drink or not drink - doesnt really matter too much to me. If you are fun person it will not matter much and you will have no issue within a normal social circle. Get out and LIVE!

Rule #1...never allow someone else to determine whether you are happy or not. Then come to the realization of the power you have within you. Drop the shy crap. The girls you seem to desire that want romance and possibilities already consider you a great find. These particular women ( and there are literally millions in Thailand) are looking for someone who doesn't drink or smoke. You are way ahead of the field already. Realize this fact and use it! I would and have seek sales girls. Many of these won't hop into bed immediately and you can do your romancing to scope them out a little as they scope you out. Life is what you make of it and you are in a place that has endless possibilities...enjoy!

I'm astonished at the number of posters here with really very good advice. And I thought Thaivisa was full of fatheads and whiners !

LaughingMan, it seems to me that you need to meet new friends, as you are constrained by your current ones. You say that you feel you need a holiday, but your work commitment won't allow this. However there is a truism that " A change is as good as a holiday". The funny thing about truisms is that they are true. You need to make a massive but brief mental effort to get out of your mental rut. Old habits die hard, but if you establish new ones they will take over. Go somewhere different one night where you will meet different people. Then follow up on those friendships. I myself don't drink or smoke and am feeling bored, and am planning to go to a martial arts gym, partially to get fit, partially to meet new people. The only limit is in your imagination, but it does seem like you are quite "down" right now.

Exercise is a VERY good way to feel better, and I recommend it. Restore your feelings this way first, and follow up with the rest.

If you like Salsa music, Latin dance is a great way to exercise and listen to good music whilst interacting with cute girls.....

Edited February 26, 2010 by Latindancer

[Forethat]

am planning to go to a martial arts gym, partially to get fit, partially to meet new people.

Hey, the planning bit probably applies to pretty much every single member on this forum ...

[t.s]

The mix of superiority and self pity I get from your post disinclines me from liking you much as well.

Classic alcoholic traits - get yourself to AA and meet like-minded people.

OP sounds a bit like I was - an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.

neernam, for years I have been reading you go on about your deliverance.

Be advised that while I am glad to see you out of the gutter, there are places other than a high horse you could have landed.

[ballpoint]

Sounds to me like the OP has other problems that he's trying to cover over with the no drinking thing. Why the need to wait for an invitation to a bar or hostess club before being able to leave the house? Why the implied smear of the title "so hard to be a hertero (sic) male in Bangkok, if you don't drink"? Just 'cause you're having problems doesn't mean the other non drinkers are having a hard time, or are gay. Why the determination to have a bad time when out in a bar? Either don't go to any bars, or loosen up a little, join in the conversation and fun. A fun guy will be a fun guy whether drunk or not, and a boring little tit will remain a boring little tit as well.

I agree that it is difficult to meet non bar females outside your work circle. There have been many suggestions made here as to places to go to meet people; sports clubs being a good one, as are trying different restaurants and talking to waitresses, coming up with interesting symptoms and visiting hospitals in order to meet nurses, and hanging around the cosmetic and perfume counters of department stores. Another good way is to start visiting any married friends you may have. There's something about a single male that a married woman, of any nationality and race, finds distressing (or threatening), and pretty soon will be lining up her unmarried female friends to meet you.

I stopped drinking following a bout of malaria about 10 years ago, and haven't touched a drop since then. Being married and living in the country probably helps, but when I'm in Bangkok, or away at work, I go out with friends to bars. No big deal. I drink soda or fruit juice, they drink alcohol. I have a good time without getting drunk, and without taking a girl out of the bar. They have a good time getting drunk, and maybe taking a girl. Who cares? A good time is had by all, that's the main thing.

[carmine]

I think the OP's problem lies not with his non drinking but with his "friends." Good friends would never have a problem with his non drinking.

The one's that do most likely have a degree of a problem themselves and need "enablers." (someone that makes an alcoholic comfortable to be drinking due to having company). I have an ex friend who was very much this sort of "friend."

The problem once again isn't with you, it's seems more a bad choice of mates.

[IanForbes]

Laughingman's post here is just a re-hash of the one he wrote before about finding women to date. He is either seriously depressed and needs medication or he has to look in a mirror. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with drinking, or not drinking. It has nothing to do with going to bars to find women. It has EVERYTHING to do with his own attitude.

There are thousands of nice women (millions?) in every country hoping to meet a nice man to have a relationship with. I'm 70 years old and I'm beating them off with a stick... and I'm certainly not some handsome super stud. It all has to do with personal attitude. NOBODY wants to listen to someone with a poor-me attitude. Take up some satisfying interest and get involved. Talk with people around you and ask THEM what their interests are. BE A GOOD LISTENER! Actually look at the person in the eyes and listen to what THEY have to say. Ask questions rather than talk.

And, considering you are in Thailand, then at least try to learn the Thai language. Without speeking Thai it cuts down on the number of possibilities at meeting the locals. Foreigners tend to go to the bars to meet women because the gals in the bars can usually speak English. And, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with meeting a woman in a bar and having a long term relationship. That is what most of the women in bars want... a nice, average guy who will take care of them. The ONLY problem with the bar girls is they have been hardened by all the short time jerks they meet, and they've learned to play the same game as the men. Unfortunately, the real "hotties" in the bars who attract all the attention have learned to enjoy the game.

[Dakhar]

Drink or not drink - doesnt really matter too much to me. If you are fun person it will not matter much and you will have no issue within a normal social circle. Get out and LIVE!

I like to shoot pool and I dont drink, but I have a good time.... I never let that get in my way.

[carmine]

One thing i forgot to add is that you mentioned you were shy. Perfectly normal, no problem, easily sorted. Go to The Eden for a couple of days.

[WinnieTheKhwai]

What a thoroughly strange post. Drinking clearly is not the issue. The issues are simple:

1. You have different interests from your friends. Many people don't drink alcohol, and even gogo bars will happily serve you tea. The issue is that you don't like those bars, so find different friends.

2. You're shy to meet peopel in a nightlife environment. Hello, that's what social networking sites are for. Learn some Thai, join Facebook, Teenee, hi5 et al.

Next.

[ozzieovaseas]

Havent read the whole thread as yet but thought i'd throw my two bob in now...

The thing that suprises me is that you already have a few different outlets in which to socialise, IF you choose to do so.

As far as the different sets of friends you mentioned, if your not into hanging with these various groups then what exactly do you think will satisfy you? what else is there left?

Maybe youre more of a "one on one" type,ie..normal relationship with normal girl type..

As you have already mentioned, its a very rare thing to have a mutual relationship with thai/farang, especially if the language barrier is shady.

But we are all in that boat, ahem,well, apart from all our good fellow posters with the university educated Thai/chinese wives who support them

Maybe you could look at one of those Hash harriers clubs that have groups doing different things in BK??

Im told they are a great day out for a bloke and they are not all drinkers either. Was advised to look into that myself when i come over next.

Also i see there was a guy who started a thread wanting to meet up with people interested in playing squash?

What about a gym as a way to meet healthier non drinking types and maybe even female??

Actually looking at your situation, since you are working (which could be considered a bonus by some of us), im guessing you wouldnt really have all that much time on your hands to pursue other things anyway?

Not meaning to sound rude dude, but you actually have a lot more to crow about than others who spend time in BK. AND, not being a drinker and ho'er IS one of the things to be thankful for!

As for Me: No job,no choice of social groups to hang out with, a couple of drinking buddies, a few questionable thai mates and a few possibly even more questionable thai female friends..with benefits...who im sure DO NOT luv me just for my jovial company

Still, i manage to be happy and contented when in BK. I guess thats because im a bit of a loner by nature and im happy to be able to have a comfortable existence in BK with a small passive investment and not having to join the rate race, day by day workscene dealing with a bunch of toolheads back home.

Actually reading back on all this it should be me thats crying

[Birdman]

Start a family by looking for a sincere wife with age and looks based on your level and ignore all the other.

[kyb789]

This is the same the world over. In the US it's hard to get a non-drinker excited about going out for drinks after work. I usually get a, "What for?" response when I ask. As a drinker, I admit inviting non-drinkers out (to a bar) usually doesn't work out for either party.

Other than complaining about not having friends that like to do things you like to do, what do you like to do? I think you should start there, then attempt to find people to become friends with while doing those activities. What hobbies do you enjoy? Are there clubs that meet in person and do/discuss these hobbies?

Are you kidding?? Where I come from in the US, the non-drinker gets the first invitation, and my car keys. My brother doesn't drink and my friends took him everywhere. Or should I say, he took us.

[IanForbes]

Sounds to me like the OP has other problems that he's trying to cover over with the no drinking thing. Why the need to wait for an invitation to a bar or hostess club before being able to leave the house? Why the implied smear of the title "so hard to be a hertero (sic) male in Bangkok, if you don't drink"? Just 'cause you're having problems doesn't mean the other non drinkers are having a hard time, or are gay. Why the determination to have a bad time when out in a bar? Either don't go to any bars, or loosen up a little, join in the conversation and fun. A fun guy will be a fun guy whether drunk or not, and a boring little tit will remain a boring little tit as well.

I agree that it is difficult to meet non bar females outside your work circle. There have been many suggestions made here as to places to go to meet people; sports clubs being a good one, as are trying different restaurants and talking to waitresses, coming up with interesting symptoms and visiting hospitals in order to meet nurses, and hanging around the cosmetic and perfume counters of department stores. Another good way is to start visiting any married friends you may have. There's something about a single male that a married woman, of any nationality and race, finds distressing (or threatening), and pretty soon will be lining up her unmarried female friends to meet you.

I stopped drinking following a bout of malaria about 10 years ago, and haven't touched a drop since then. Being married and living in the country probably helps, but when I'm in Bangkok, or away at work, I go out with friends to bars. No big deal. I drink soda or fruit juice, they drink alcohol. I have a good time without getting drunk, and without taking a girl out of the bar. They have a good time getting drunk, and maybe taking a girl. Who cares? A good time is had by all, that's the main thing.

Very good post, ballpoint... and especially about wives of friends trying to hook you up with their single girl friends. I've had that happen to me countless times until I finally had to say..."Enough already! I don't WANT another relationship!" I've got too many women friends as it is.

[TheLaughingMan]

Well thanks for all the replies guys. Even the critical ones. It's probably all true what many of you said. What prompted this recent outburst of self pity was not being invited out last night for a special occasion, and my buddy tried to hide it. Apparently I make them uncomfortable with my nondrinking (his words). So they all went out without me. I try not to let things like this bother me but they do. Especially at this point in my life as I'm going through a difficult time.

I didn't mean my original post to sound so negative or judgemental. I have always accepted that my friends are into things that I am not into and I don't judge them for it. I do my best to go along and enjoy the joking around and hanging out with the guys and I do contribute, I'm actually a joker and don't force people to drink just to bear my presence like Geriatrickid said hehe.

I'm also not terrible with women, I simply find it excrutiatingly difficult to meet a normal woman in Thailand I would be attracted to (any race is fine by me). Not looking for a super model or anything, cute would be great. I find cute normal Thai girls avoid falangs and women of other nationalities in my age bracket are a rarity. Many of you say this is incorrect but I don't see it. It feels like only a certain kind of Thai woman goes for a falang, the kind I don't want. Which is why Thailand to me is such a lonely and frustrating place.

I do know that my circle of friends is obviously not good for me and I need to expand that circle. I find this difficult in Thailand. Hard to find stable "non-liability" friends in Thailand. Making friends with Thai men is also very difficult.

I do have interests and activities outside of going out at night (fitness and gym, movie buff etc.), but I do see going out to discos (non ho bar joints) as the only option for nightlife activities. I like music and dancing (with a female partner- I'm not European, no offence intended) and can have sober fun no problem, just I don't like to go out alone.... It looks and feels weird to go out alone if you are not drinking or ho-ing. And I cannot go away and do many of the suggestions from some of the posters due to work.

Ok yes I am in a depression (obviously).... thankyou exgirlfriend (non thai) for completely destroying my self esteem and throwing me into a 6 month funk. There I go blaming others again... I cant help it. But at the very least, I have one thing going for me and that's that I realise my faults and problems and that's something right? I know I will feel better in time.

I was surprised at some of the nice replies here so thanks again. This is a little therapeutic for me and also I just wanted to see if there are others like me. Don't mean to sound like such a whiny, feel sorry for myself kind of guy, even though that's pretty much what I am right now.

[villagefarang]

One normally only gets a two month pass for a broken heart, maybe three. Otherwise it runs the risk of becoming an obsession and an integral part of ones identity as a victim. Had a friend who dragged it out for a couple of years. I just couldn't take it anymore.

[balo]

I like music and dancing (with a female partner- I'm not European, no offence intended)

May I suggest you look for new female friends that dont drink. Try some of the dating sites in Europe.

[manjara]

Just get out there and try to enjoy yourself. The people you are out with are still people, even when they drink, the ho's and hostesses are real people too, just pay the money but don't have sex if you don't want to, and have a good time with them - i.e. dance, talk, whatever you would do on a normal date.

That would give you some numbers to call, at least, and then you can set the agenda. Go to a restaurant or nightclub, and explain to the ho-stess you took with you that you are actually looking to meet someone else. Chances are that providing you are still paying her, she'll be happy to help!

If you go out with your friends and sit there being miserable, it is not surprising you are not asked back. Stop the judgements and talk to the women as though you really want to get to know them.

[TheLaughingMan]

I like music and dancing (with a female partner- I'm not European, no offence intended)

May I suggest you look for new female friends that dont drink. Try some of the dating sites in Europe.

Sorry I was just trying to make a light joke. When I said I like dancing I had visions of BORAT where all the men are dancing closely together. Just wanted to be clarify that wasn't what I meant.

[MrHammer]

Listen dude, you are depressed and it shows in those blocks of text you write. I've been there too. What you need is to meet up with some good friends somewhere and just take it easy. You're probably spending too much time alone.

Get out of Thailand for a while. It isn't the only place in the world worth being.

It's not easy meeting a good girl in Thailand. Been there too.

But maybe you should consider a 'bad' girl for a while. Might cheer you up! Just keep your head on and remember what it is and you won't get burned. This IS Thailand after all. If you want to live a more 'respectable' life, Thailand isn't the place. Look into Japan, Taiwan heck even go back home. I am leaving for Europe after 1.5 years in Thailand and will not regret it.

[ProfessorFart]

JD,

It wasn't so much the OP but some of the 'holier than thou' posts that followed.

[britmaveric]

Drink or not drink - doesnt really matter too much to me. If you are fun person it will not matter much and you will have no issue within a normal social circle. Get out and LIVE!

I like to shoot pool and I dont drink, but I have a good time.... I never let that get in my way.

Nor should it, have plenty of mates who come out and do not drink. They have a pint of coke and we will have our cider/lager. What is the problem? Why do I care if you do not want to drink alcohol or not, that's up to you. This should be the same attitude for non drinkers when they look at drinkers.

Anyways laughingman - needs to stop feeling sorry for himself. This sort of attitude will never get you anywhere.

[Sanchez69]

If you think that people don't want to hang out with you because you don't drink, you have some issues man!!

I think you must be looking for excuses because you are a boring f..k

What about the great markets, food, outdoors, beaches, cinema,....etc... the list goes on, none of these activities are based around drinking if you do not wish them to be.

Get a life & stop judging people on there drinking & as you put it"ho" activities

[Sisaketmike]

Maybe you are gay?

Sometimes I get to go to "discos" if I can actually wrangle up a friend or 2 that doesn't absolutely NEED to go somewhere they can buy a lie. These are ok because they are full of regular people that don't sell lies for a living.... mostly. But here's the thing... I'm shy. So, actually meeting a regular Thai woman that A) isn't racist and avoids falangs at all costs B)isn't actually an off duty Ho or C) is assertive enough to let me know she is interested (smile, wave, cheers etc..) is very difficult for me. In fact I would say its more than "very difficult", more like impossible. And no I'm not fat and ugly, I'm not going to get into that but lets leave it at: I'm not ugly... in the slightest.

I guess you’re American, right? I’ve read your post and I just don’t understand a lot. Are ‘discos’ in this country so different from place to place? You wrote it with your own words: You’re shy. So you’re giving your own problem to others and you think ‘a regular Thai woman isn’t available for you? WHAT IS A REGULAR THAI WOMAN??

Okay let me summarize please: You’ve got no girl friend, no wife and –in the end not one real friend. You don’t like to pay some money to be sexual satisfied for a short period of time. Going to a place where lots of beautiful girls are, annoys you. Prostitution is the oldest business in the world. You don’t buy love, you buy sex. Even prostitutes are human beings, trying to survive. Let me guess, you don’t want to pay for things you’d like to do?

What’s your problem with racism? Is it possible that you’ve lost contact to the real world outside the cyberspace? Or are you gay and to shy for your coming out? Who would say that: I’m not ugly..in the slightest? So you mean you’re handsome, but the people around you just don’t get it, right?

Have you ever thought about going to a gym, swimming, a gay sauna, or even to buy a big yellow Hummer and join the Pattaya SWAT team? Man, you’re missing the most. Good luck for your outcome.

[Sisaketmike]

I like music and dancing (with a female partner- I'm not European, no offence intended)

May I suggest you look for new female friends that dont drink. Try some of the dating sites in Europe.

Sorry I was just trying to make a light joke. When I said I like dancing I had visions of BORAT where all the men are dancing closely together. Just wanted to be clarify that wasn't what I meant.

You were trying to make a light joke, with a light coke? You might be the joke near the coke. Sorry, but there's something wrong with you. Bai Si Maha Pho, mai khrap?

[mark45y]

I like music and dancing (with a female partner- I'm not European, no offence intended)

May I suggest you look for new female friends that dont drink. Try some of the dating sites in Europe.

Sorry I was just trying to make a light joke. When I said I like dancing I had visions of BORAT where all the men are dancing closely together. Just wanted to be clarify that wasn't what I meant.

What happened to your girlfriend of 6 years that you met at the Bed Supper Club? She dump you? For a guy who drinks?

The only guys I have ever met who had a problem with women here were short dark Indian guys with pot bellies. And even they got some action when they dropped a few pounds and stopped hanging around in groups, that scared the ladies.

[tonglen]

Why do you even care, laughingman? There are hundreds of interests that don't involve drinking. I don't drink much either, and seldom more than one or two beer or glasses of hard stuff. But, I DO buy the ladies a drink if I go to the bar. I can honestly say that I have NEVER been drunk... EVER. But, I HAVE on occasion had more than what would be called over the legal limit by North American driving standards, but I'm always sober. With friends who DO like to drink I'm often the designated driver. I'm not setting myself up as some star example; I just don't like the woozy feeling of having too much to drink.

Now, about the woman thing; I don't see one problem with any woman who uses her body to gain something out of life. Everyone should use whatever assets they have. Whatever goes on between consenting adults should be nobody's business but the couple. I don't see one thing wrong with sex, and women have been using sex for many reasons: to further their careers, to pay for items they might otherwise not afford, to attract potential husbands, to help out the family, to pay for their childrens education, etc. There's not a lot of difference between a woman who uses her beauty to snag some unsuspecting rich dude into a marriage of convenience, to a woman who has sex for money to support her family. And, I can assure you that during a divorce the poor dude WILL get taken to the cleaners... and it will cost him far more in the end than ever paying some woman outright for sex.

Ianforbes will have a beautiful liver and Laughingman will have a large pocketbook for having not drank much, good on you both!

Drinking is a bonding ritual the world over, however it is possible to bond without booze. I do like a few drinks, but like to keep my whits about me especially in LOS. There are many who take advantage of those who have "taken advantage of the drink."

A quotable quote:

A Congressman was once asked by a constituent to explain his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it," the Congressman said. "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

[cobra]

I do know that my circle of friends is obviously not good for me and I need to expand that circle ...

Indeed, might I suggest a fight club (as in the movie with P Pitt),

Getting the s ... kicked out of you several times a week and maybe doing a little kicking yourself may be just what the Doctor ordered,

Now when you b ...slap someone at the next awkward social event you'll be the life of the party,

your results may vary,

[phillyherb]

Why don't you drink?

Where I come from we don't trust tea-totalers.

I quit drinking when I turned 37, I am 66 now.

I was one of those that would stop in after work for 1 drink and end up closing the place up.

Woke up the next morning, knowing I was in a fight with someone, but had no idea who.

After being arrested for Assualt and Battery for the 3rd time, and not remembering it, I decided it was

time to quit for me, I would either kill someone or get killed.

Now, I don't have any problem with my friends drinking, in fact I am always available to be the

designated driver.

My only problem is getting stuck with someone that is so drunk, (like I used to be), that it drives me

crazy, nothing worse than being sober and having to listen to a drunk tell stories that you know are really

"stories" and they usually repeat themselves over and over and still don't get it right.

Sorry to ramble on, drink all you want guys, just don't corner me when you want to tell me how great you are.