Think Long Think Hard ! Be Warned !

[mrtoad]

sorry just feeling a bit rough now when i wrote this, paragraphs and grammar are the last thing on my mind

Hollywood would gladly edit this storyh into something worthy of production on 70mm for the entertainment of the masses. You should take the opportunity now, before someone else gets in first.

Not even remotely funny, another moranic comment from someone who claims to know better.

The OP is going through a tough time, and If I recall this has been an ongoing issue for a little while as he may have posted something like this a while back. I wish him all the best.

[dmax]

You are in a tough position, and I don't envy your situation.

BUt I noticed you wrote that after she called you names, you "slapped her around her face."  It was after that that she held a knife to you.  

No matter the provocation, you can't take matters into your own hand like that unless it is to protect life and limb.  Being called names does not fall into that category.

In most marriage problems, it takes two to tango.  I only know what you posted, but take a look at yourself, too, to see how you might be contributing to the problem.  And if you truly want to work things out, you need to make a sea change on the things that you can change.

From your description, things look dire.  But they may not be hopeless.

Good luck!

i know its wrong to slap a woman there is no excuse,im not strong enough inside to take it all the time. that was my breaking point. she treats me like sh*t calls me names in front of the child albeit the baby is too young to understand these names but i understand. when faced with this predicament where baby is crying in fear next door because her mother is running round like a wild animal screaming and wailing , its hard to hold yourself together,ive lost count of how many times ive bent over and let her have her say and her temper tantrums and kept my cool.

ive seen a lot of this in thai woman shouting at their husbands ( my friends ) even whilst in company and am wondering do thai men take this kind of abuse from their wives too ? once the wife told me to leave the house and come back when she was cool, apparently her ex thai husband had to leave the house for days untill she was jai yen yen and had settled down. its my house though

[Patsycat]

I am sorry i made that ridiculous comment earlier.

It's not like me to make crass horrible comments..

Forgive me.

And good luck whatever.

[dmax]

I am sorry i made that ridiculous comment earlier.

It's not like me to make crass horrible comments..

Forgive me.

And good luck whatever.

no worries patsy thanks

[cognos]

There are those that marry ( or get into relationships) bar girls, and then on the other side of the coin.. those that WANTED to and went in ANOTHER direction.. bar girls are people too, and there are good, bad and indifferent ones..BUT, unfortunately, it SEEMS like a DISPROPORTIONATE amount of them get screwed up by being in the "profession". Concomitantly, the farang that get involved with bg's are ALSO good, bad and indifferent.

The bottom line is the "sex industry" is sometimes (read almost always) a "dirty" business, and the girls who eminate towards the "trade" often come out jaded and full of heavy baggage. Who is to blame for that? ..it is USELESS to ascribe balme in this matter..

.. the vicious cycle that farang seem to get into FAR to often when pursuing relationships with these ladies is ABYSMAL. To point fingers, or TRY tyo ascertain the ULTERIOR MOTIVE as to why so many farang PREFER these ladies is USELESS.

..I too was attracted top them, but looked at the inherent risks concomitant with getting involved with this group and decided that there were millions more fish in the sea OUTSIDE of the sex industry in Thailand.

..no matter WHO you end up with , there WILL be issues, but PERHAPS they can be mitigated or lessened by looking other places than THE BAR for your "better half"

..its like gambelling and playing the odds..play with fire and you will eventually get burned, with EXCEPTIONS.. many bg's make excellent wives, more don't..put down your money and take your chances if you insist on it.

..noone will stop the farang from choosing the bar as their prime hunting grounds for their mates, except THEMSELVES

[Insight]

8 OUT OF 10 Thai - Farang relelationships fail. But when they have kids i would say its more like 10 out 10 fail. ( how many thai - Farang familys with there own children who are 12 or over do you see on a day out ) i must have seen about 2 the whole time i have lived in thailand i have been here for 5 years ! )

I'd be interested to know where you got this stat from. From what I heard Asian-Western relationships were statistically more stable than relationships amongst pairs of westerners, and that's factoring in ones from less honourable backgrounds. Wish I could remember where I read that one!

/edit - to the OP - IMHO get yourself and your child away from this 'mare. She really doesn't seem worth the trouble for any reason.

Edited March 19, 2010 by Insight

[MJP]

8 OUT OF 10 Thai - Farang relelationships fail. But when they have kids i would say its more like 10 out 10 fail. ( how many thai - Farang familys with there own children who are 12 or over do you see on a day out ) i must have seen about 2 the whole time i have lived in thailand i have been here for 5 years ! )

I'd be interested to know where you got this stat from. From what I heard Asian-Western relationships were statistically more stable than relationships amongst pairs of westerners, and that's factoring in ones from less honourable backgrounds. Wish I could remember where I read that one!

/edit - to the OP - IMHO get yourself and your child away from this 'mare. She really doesn't seem worth the trouble for any reason.

That's very difficult. Farang have limited rights as parents to kick off with. This is a real nightmare, especially if you're not resident in Thailand, have work here etc.

[Insight]

^ I got the impression dmax is based in the UK?

[MJP]

^ I got the impression dmax is based in the UK?

Yes, this is a long hard road if this does go wrong.

Consider the process. First you have to get custody over here, then get UK immigration (that hate their own people) to agree the kid can reside in the UK.

Solid nightmare.

[ding]

dmax, good on you for having the courage to be honest. Also, a wise man seeks advice from the compounded wisdom of a group of minds.

We all know that meeting a 'wife' in a bar is a bad idea, so lets move on to the solution to what is done. What I'll say may be worth just what you're paying me - nothing. It's said in a spirit of helpfulness, wanting to be of service. My brother, I'll be brief and to the point;

1) Ya don't get to hit. No matter what. Any justification a man attempts just causes a further loss of respect. Good on you for being honest. Now do whatever you need to do to NEVER do that again - no matter <deleted> WHAT she does. As children we learn, 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me'. So we need to grow up and not hit each other when we get called childish names.

2) Your wife is unstable, and it may take years of counseling, or medication + counseling to find out why. At this point alcohol must be eliminated for her to heal if it's a problem. But that's completely her issue, and absolutely not yours. BUT - you have responsibility to protect your daughter from the cycle of abuse you two are stuck in. Your child is the only reason I'm spending my time here. Adults have a right to be as miserable as they want, IMHO. But you can't leave the child alone with the woman, at least not for long and never while she is unstable.

3) That woman is not in your control. Let go completely if you want any hope of protecting your child. If you have any expectations of her doing the right thing you are setting yourself up like a bowling pin.

4) Separating, or trying to work it out (very difficult);

You two will likely do a 2-step dance. An abusive, angry event - followed by a honeymoon make-up period. This cycle is like a drug to many. The sex and intense feelings of the honeymoon has a high endorphin component and various emotional payoffs for BOTH partners. And the rush of the anger release is equally sick. So get away with your daughter as efforts to control, or trigger angry reaction, build. If you need to separate, intense sex will be an issue. You'll need physical distance to avoid the intense sex at all costs. If you dip into that well, your efforts to get away from it all will likely end very badly and the sick situation will progress. It usually only gets worse without outside help.

Support will help a lot to speed up healing this situation. You're doing great by asking for help. And being honest tells me you'll be fine. You have reason to feel very hopeful. I suggest counseling with someone familiar with abusive relationships. You may get relief from airing things out at a 12 step support group if there's a history of alcohol or drug abuse on either side -even if only family history; ACOA, CODA, AA, NA, EA, SA.

It may turn out that she is unwilling/unable to recover. She will always be your child's mom, so you two need to act like rational, caring adults. It may be best to approach her with, "You'll always be our child's mother and I will always want the best for you and our child..." To point out her wrongs will get you stuck in the sand and wont get you any traction to get where you want to get to - healing this relationship, or splitting up and raising the child the best way for the child.

Legally- I have no idea. My state in the US is unfair to dads and I was fortunate to get custody of my child. I would have gladly given custody to my ex if she was the most nurturing parent, though. Women here USE children as a regular paycheck and it's not fair to kids in the end.

5) Helping you. To help your child, you can only help YOU. You are in control of yourself only, not your wife (I bet you know that already from the nightmare you're going through). Your child is dependent on you and innocent. That's obvious, eh? So I suggest continuing exactly what you're doing - getting honest, having the balls to continue being honest is key. And getting help from outside the sick relationship from objective, helpful people.

My story may or may not help. But if it will;

I'll tell you that I do have a problem and know exactly what you're going through too. I'm 25 years sober today and go to AA still. My life used to be chaos far worse than you describe. Today my life is absolutely drama free. My family is content, joyful, loving, and serenity is normalcy here. Part of my getting this life requires I give away what I've been freely given. Sappy and Polly Anna? Yep, and it works pretty dam_n well so I'll keep doing what works. But, I'm the one with a booze problem and that is MY problem, I'm not implying it's yours. It has given me exposure to thousands of stories like ours. It's unique, but we're definitely not alone. I focus on cleaning my side of the street and don't waste too much time point at the other side that is not mine to clean up.

So, the truth has set me free, like they say. Here's to hoping you continue on that path. It'll take time to unwind from this, whichever way you need to go. I stayed with the woman I was with from my last drunk for 12 years in sobriety. Briefly - she couldn't get honest and is still trying to get one year sober. She was out of my control, of course, and we had to split. We tried counseling, Al Anon, and all that. When we finally split up I found myself alone, and in good company.

Now get to work! The disco ball has stopped spinning, you have a kid.

Edited March 19, 2010 by ding

[TheAceFace]

Sorry to hear of your predicament Dmax....your not the first and you certainly will not be the last.

For what its worth...you have to stay strong and the priority is your baby, I would also think twice about bringing the twins over as this could escalate your problems, if your wife has issues with one child around then adding two more would just pile more pressure on this already strained relationship.

I am not telling you what to do, but why not try a trial seperation and see how she handles it, im betting she wont. Either way I wish you luck and I hope it turns out ok.

[neverdie]

sorry just feeling a bit rough now when i wrote this, paragraphs and grammar are the last thing on my mind

Hollywood would gladly edit this storyh into something worthy of production on 70mm for the entertainment of the masses. You should take the opportunity now, before someone else gets in first.

Not even remotely funny, another moranic comment from someone who claims to know better.

The OP is going through a tough time, and If I recall this has been an ongoing issue for a little while as he may have posted something like this a while back. I wish him all the best.

Well said Mr Toad, Mr Moran should take a long hard look at himself, as should a few others posting here. DMAX has been an asset to this forum for some time now & whilst he admits he has made mistakes in the past he is obviously looking for some good advice and a positive move forward. Posters here should stick to those ideas instead of crapping on him.

DMAX, boo offered you some great advice, please make sure you start making contemporaneous notes and stay off the piss for goodness sake, alcohol is a depressant and no good for these situations.

[NADTATIDA1]

^ I got the impression dmax is based in the UK?

Yes, this is a long hard road if this does go wrong.

Consider the process. First you have to get custody over here, then get UK immigration (that hate their own people) to agree the kid can reside in the UK.

Solid nightmare.

DMAX,I have had a mate go through exactly the same process as you,but more twisted!

MJP the kid has a right to stay in the Uk with the father,the kids a dual national it would of been a dam_n sight harder if they where in Thailand,believe me i know!

Anyway she eventually fuc_ked off back to Thailand and left him with the kid,he went to court and got official custody in the Uk and that was it.

Any more info pm me and i will give it you,i could give you his number if you want it,believe me your story is nothing compared to what he went through. Don't let her grind you down whatever happens.

[mrtoad]

sorry just feeling a bit rough now when i wrote this, paragraphs and grammar are the last thing on my mind

Hollywood would gladly edit this storyh into something worthy of production on 70mm for the entertainment of the masses. You should take the opportunity now, before someone else gets in first.

Not even remotely funny, another moranic comment from someone who claims to know better.

The OP is going through a tough time, and If I recall this has been an ongoing issue for a little while as he may have posted something like this a while back. I wish him all the best.

Well said Mr Toad, Mr Moran should take a long hard look at himself, as should a few others posting here. DMAX has been an asset to this forum for some time now & whilst he admits he has made mistakes in the past he is obviously looking for some good advice and a positive move forward. Posters here should stick to those ideas instead of crapping on him.

DMAX, boo offered you some great advice, please make sure you start making contemporaneous notes and stay off the piss for goodness sake, alcohol is a depressant and no good for these situations.

Yep ND, I couldn't believe some of the BS posts from some of the other members - should be ashamed of themselves. They must have perfect lives.

DMAX, plenty of people here too offer advice and support, and you can always PM me.

[Mossfinn]

8 OUT OF 10 Thai - Farang relelationships fail. But when they have kids i would say its more like 10 out 10 fail.

I would like to see some form of evidence here, or is personal speculation?

[Mossfinn]

^ I got the impression dmax is based in the UK?

He has recently posted regarding visa issues, so I believe he is too, he also references his wife working as a cleaner and has 10k sterling in the bank, so it would suggest so.

[TheLaughingMan]

Another man that marries a hooker and then wants to warn us not to marry Thais... How bout we all JUST DONT MARRY HOOKERS?! Just a thought.

[flying]

Sorry to hear about your situation...Always harder if you have children.

As others have mentioned......

1) no call for hitting.. turn away chill out..

2) could be after birth depression

3) I remember reading your Isaan Bungalow thread......

Being a contractor one thing I have seen a lot of & it is sad is.....

A couple go to build their home & do much of it themselves to save $$....only to divorce as the strain of it

was too much for them.

Mind you these are folks of the same nationality...So I can imagine it was much harder in a case like yours with language barriers too.

Hopefully you folks can work it out & enjoy what you have built together....both the home & your child.

Chok Dee

[britmaveric]

Another man that marries a hooker and then wants to warn us not to marry Thais... How bout we all JUST DONT MARRY HOOKERS?! Just a thought.

Being a hooker has little to do with being a bad person mate. Time you grow up a bit.

[ourmanflint]

I couldn't read it either, but what a load of b*llocks anyway. There is nothing in any of these stories that is really about Thai girls, it's all just about girls or women full stop. You get the same sh*t if not worse from marrying any other nationality. Thai girls can be hard nosed but that's only because they have had harder lives sometimes than us, but <deleted>, it's not because they're Thai is it?

[BigWheelMan]

Cut your losses, take your baby and run !!!!!

Let the devil take the hindmost. Make sure you leave your wife NO access to any funds as soon as possible. In the case of joint accounts, open up a single account and leech the joint accounts assets' to that new one.

Get as far away and as removed form the mad cow as you can, and try not to look back.

Rebuild your life bit by bit. Harsh and cruel decision, i know but one that you will HAVE to take.... and the sooner, the better, IMO

Thanks for the warning and the lesson to us all

Penkoprod

Good advice, exactly what I was going to say.

If the OP is still in love with the bint, than he only has a future of being the long and suffering.

But doing the common sense thing would be to reverse all he has put into the marriage.

Withdraw any funds he has put in the bints name, leave her destitute and quickly seek the advice of a reputable lawyer.

The plan should be, get himself out of this the most economic way possible.

If the OP still comes back crying; yea, boo hoo, but I still love her, than I have a symphathy level of minus 5.

Did you know that if a man and woman are in love the man is much more likely to sacrifice himself for her than she is for him? Also, men fall in love faster. These are in general, of course, but they're true as far as I've read.

Edited March 19, 2010 by BigWheelMan

[Mossfinn]

I couldn't read it either,

but what a load of b*llocks anyway.

[BigWheelMan]

A must read:

http://www.leglessfool.com/reedasia/Whore.htm

Edited March 19, 2010 by BigWheelMan

[patong]

A must read:

http://www.leglessfool.com/reedasia/Whore.htm

another women from isaan

[sokal]

I couldn't read it either, but what a load of b*llocks anyway. There is nothing in any of these stories that is really about Thai girls, it's all just about girls or women full stop. You get the same sh*t if not worse from marrying any other nationality. Thai girls can be hard nosed but that's only because they have had harder lives sometimes than us, but <deleted>, it's not because they're Thai is it?

I am still waiting to hear the age gap between the two....... And yes, it does matter.

[makescents]

dam_n there's a lot of haters on this forum sometimes. Glass houses anyone?

Despite that a lot of good advice has been dished out on how best to handle the situation and I think seeing where you stand legally is the first step. You'll want to be upfront about your prior convictions and the violent incidents that have occurred on both sides; be prepared for what could be a long court battle if she decides to drag her heels.

I can't say much more than that but I know someone who is training to be a family law solicitor so I can probably pass any questions on free of charge of course.

MC

[ThailandTommy]

As hard as it might at first be, forget the drama and focus on your kid at the end of the day he will be the one that will require most support.

As for your wife, I take it that you are in the UK. It is a blessing you have had the police ‘take her away’ so there must be a record of the incident leading up to the police action.

Next step is to record the situation with a solicitor however before you seek advise from the solicitor you really have to go there with your mind made up as to what you want to do to resolve the situation.

I agree with most of the posts that advise you to get rid of her, you sound like you have ‘been around a bit’ your not a kid, I would suggest that in your heart of hearts you know there is no long term future with this woman.

You really must report EVERY instance that you feel is putting your child at risk as well as EVERY instance that your personal safety is threatened.

If you do not do this, I have no doubt that at the end of the day she will be portrayed as the victim and you as the aggressor, (particularly in light of your background).

That could mean that SHE is granted custody of the child, you will be ordered to pay maintenance to her to support the child, (you know as well as I do the bulk of the money will not be spent on the child).

There would also be a serious chance, that she will say that she cannot work because she has to look after the child, and you will have to pay even more money, it is worthy of note that if for example she takes this path she may even be in a position to gain a courts permission to take the child back to her country of origin, as she has family there who would look after the child which in turn would enable her to work, would you really want that to happen?

I assume that she has a visa to live and work in the UK. If it were me I would some how ‘trick’ her into going back to Thailand and that would be as far as I would be concerned the last time I lay eyes on her.

At the end of the day this should really be about what is the best in the long term for your child.

[phetaroi]

dmax, you are not thinking rationally. This woman is ruining your life. Staying in that relationship is no solution.

You must leave your wife, with or without your child. My heart goes out to you.

No, he's ruining his own life and his wife is helping him.

And this has nothing to do with a woman being Thai.

It's a type of lifestyle -- a mindset -- you can find in any country.

[prefabs]

I couldn't read it either, but what a load of b*llocks anyway. There is nothing in any of these stories that is really about Thai girls, it's all just about girls or women full stop. You get the same sh*t if not worse from marrying any other nationality. Thai girls can be hard nosed but that's only because they have had harder lives sometimes than us, but <deleted>, it's not because they're Thai is it?

I am still waiting to hear the age gap between the two....... And yes, it does matter.

From the first post we can see that he is 42 and she has 2 twins who are 9 years of age. So, one could suppose she would be 30-ish. She has a bit of life history, 3 kids, worked for her living etc. So she could be described as being mature(might be the wrong word here though)

12-15 years is not a huge difference in Thai-Thai or Farang-Thai marriages. So what is your point exactly?

[MrJohnson]

sorry just feeling a bit rough now when i wrote this, paragraphs and grammar are the last thing on my mind

Sympathize with your situation but to suggest that people should be wary of marrying a Thai is a bit of a simplistic generalization. This could happen with any women anywhere. Having said that, good luck and I hope it works out OK.