Sorry to intrude on the Ladies Forum but I would be grateful for some feedback on an issue I have with my Thai wife. Its a small thing but is causing me a lot of grief.

A few years before she died my mother gave my wife a necklace. Nothing fancy. Probably only cost US$50-60. My late mother and wife got on very well although we spent most of our time in Thailand.

My mother was the sort of person who would keep any gift given to her and we discovered the extent of this after her death on sorting her personal belongings.

A few days ago I saw my wife give the necklace away to one of her two favourite nieces (ages 7-9) who we both love very much. She had given another necklace to niece 2 and niece 1 (oldest) was jealous. I said I wasn't happy about this as it was a present but she said that "it was looking tarnished" and she never wore it anyway.

I was surprised that she would do this and even more surprised by the pain this caused me when I saw the necklace on our niece. It is aggravated by my wife on the following day giving a camera I bought her as a Christmas present 2 years ago away to another family member.

I'm not bothered by the value of these things but for me gifts are all about the thoughts and for them to be given away like this is really painful.

My wife is a very dutiful generous Thai daughter who cannot say no to her family. She feels guilty if she has something they don't have. And by the way most of them are very good at exploiting that generosity.

I'm half expecting a scolding for being too sensitive.....

I agree with you about the necklace, the other things like cameras are just things but there is a sentiment attached to the necklace that, imo, your wife should have been more conscious of.

Personally I would ask her to get the necklace back & explain that just cause she doesn't want it, it belonged to you mum so holds some emotional attachment for you. You can be sure that the kid she gave it to wont have any appreciation or care for it.

do u guys often wonder if the thai idea of sentiment is different? my husband also doesnt seem to care one way or the other for things that were given as gifts; the minute i or someone gave it to him, its his to do with as he pleases (or to break by handling with a lack of care as the case may be with some antique cup my grandmother gave me and he used to drink whiskey with it.... he couldnt really understand why i would be upset with a cup breaking, as it was old (antique!!) and i never used it anyhow.... i think the thais see things slightly differently. they like possessions for the possesions' sake i.e. a new fancy phone/car/jacket but its just a thing to them... the idea of the gift finished with the reception of the gift...

and yes, im sure its a cultural thing, not a problem of right or wrong just a differenc eof perception in appreciation for the thing itself, the idea behind it, or the continuing reasoning behind the thing...

ive learned. if there is something htat has some inherent meaning for me, that anon cannot grasp, i just put it somewhere that he wont bother with it... he absoltuely cannot touch my collection of glass figurines as when he tried to shove them together when putting up an amplifier that was important to him, i had a 'cow' (one of the very few blasts of anger i have had) because one fell off the shelf and broke . he still had a hard time grasping the fact that even if i could buy new figurines, it was these specific ones that were important to me (gifts from my kids/parents etc).

i have put the glass doodads in a box since they dont have a place to be now, but he cant grasp why i dont toss them/sell them as not needed now. im sure its a thai/budhist thing, even if the thais themselves cant verbalize their attatchment/lack of thereof to things - not materialism/buying and having nice things since they do like to have things, but putting emotional attatchment on the things...

bina

israel

I see it a bit different, they don't care about things that belongs to anyone else but if it is something they care about then they will & do take care & form an attachment to it. I see a disregard for other peoples thing, sentimental or not as a very thai trait ime & one that drives me mental.

Mr boo will polish & take really good care of his guitars, they are his babies & he cherishes them & gets annoyed if they are not taken proper care of by me so I try to keep them safe from baby boo but it wouldn't cross his mind to think about or take care of anything that I might have the same attachment to. Same goes for every thai person I have ever come across.

It's just something I have learned to accept & now make him aware if there is something I want him to take care or be careful of.

I don't think it is a Buddhist thing, just a Thai thing, as my fella isn't Buddhist. The only things he has maintained over our years together is his diving gear.

A friend of ours gave him a handmade silver necklace a few years back. I was horrified when he took it apart and added other bits and pieces of other ones together to make a few different ones.

Asked him what happened to it yesterday and he had no idea, he thinks it is at the bottom of the ocean as maybe he lost it diving.

I used to get him various presents from around the world (probably cause I felt guilty about going away to work all the time), most of which are now with his mates or other people. He says they liked (whatever it was) do he gave it to them.

He told me I didn't need to get him anything anymore, so unless it is edible I don't really bother anymore.

(edited - spelling)

Edited May 15, 201016 yr by redfish44

Ditto. My husband takes care his fishing gear is in immaculate condition. Regular stripping the reels and cleaning and oiling them. Same with his trucks. His first truck is something like 15 years old and still looks new.

But, that said, he learned that things matter to me too and generally hasn't been too bad about stuff like that. My FIL gave me a gold necklace when we got married and its getting rather beat up after 22 years but I wouldnt dream of trading it in and my husband believes that my FIL would notice the change and be hurt.

That said, most of his family (like his mom) don't carry sentimental attachments to things.

I dont know your wifes reason or thinking behind giving the necklace away. Maybe she believes it will be put to more use? Or, really does believe the gift is appreciated?

But I do think many Thai people have sentimental attachment to things. My friend (thai) wears a ring that he has had since he was 15...he said he will never take it off. Actually it CANNOT come off. Also, a few weeks ago I lost the heart pendant i wear from its chain. It has no monetary value. It was 200baht..but i bought it when i first arrived in Thailand, so is sentimental. My friend hunted for it and found it. He knew it was worthless in the sense of quality/price..but he knew it was valuable to me. He was the one that said it, not i.

Its a really odd thing, but I believe (some) Thais have no sentimentality at all.

My husband died recently (we'd been separated 2 years), and when I went to his house about a month later to collect the things that were mine, I found that his Thai girlfriend of 2 years had removed all the things she wanted - but not removed ONE SINGLE personal item! There was even a lovely caricature of him that someone had drawn recently.

Its the difference between Western sentimentality and Thai practicality - to me, the caricature was wonderful, to her - it had no value.....

I dont know your wifes reason or thinking behind giving the necklace away. Maybe she believes it will be put to more use? Or, really does believe the gift is appreciated?

But I do think many Thai people have sentimental attachment to things. My friend (thai) wears a ring that he has had since he was 15...he said he will never take it off. Actually it CANNOT come off. Also, a few weeks ago I lost the heart pendant i wear from its chain. It has no monetary value. It was 200baht..but i bought it when i first arrived in Thailand, so is sentimental. My friend hunted for it and found it. He knew it was worthless in the sense of quality/price..but he knew it was valuable to me. He was the one that said it, not i.

I agree with you - I've given various gifts to some Thai friends of mine, nothing valuable, but they make a point of wearing or using the gift when I'm around. As a matter of fact, a particular Thai girlfriend was very upset with her farang boyfriend when he broke something I had given her, again nothing valueable, and made a point of telling him that it was a gift from pearlgirl and he had no right to break it.

"A few years before she died my mother gave my wife a necklace. Nothing fancy. Probably only cost US$50-60. My late mother and wife got on very well although we spent most of our time in Thailand.

My mother was the sort of person who would keep any gift given to her and we discovered the extent of this after her death on sorting her personal belongings.

A few days ago I saw my wife give the necklace away to one of her two favourite nieces (ages 7-9) who we both love very much. She had given another necklace to niece 2 and niece 1 (oldest) was jealous. I said I wasn't happy about this as it was a present but she said that "it was looking tarnished" and she never wore it anyway.

...

My wife is a very dutiful generous Thai daughter who cannot say no to her family. She feels guilty if she has something they don't have. And by the way most of them are very good at exploiting that generosity."

Hi PJ,

It sounds like getting the necklace back would be more for your sake than your wife's. If you want to try to get it back, maybe you could purchase a new necklace for niece no. 1 - maybe she could go with you and pick it out? - and ask for your mom's in return. Then everyone would be happy.

You mentioned that your mom was the type who saved everything, when you had to go through all her belongings after she died. Do you think she would be upset now that your wife gave the necklace away like this? If so, definitely try to get it back. But we can't take this stuff with us, and it sounds to me like your wife felt it was more important that someone enjoy it now rather than just let it collect dust. Your niece would enjoy having the necklace, even though the reasoning for its being given was not ideal (jealousy because the other niece got one first).

Is it really a gift if we have stipulations about how an item will be treated or cared for after its left our hands? I think giving in its truest form is having no strings attached, seeing that person receive the gift and being happy with it in that moment. If there is an item that you care about so much about, or worry it won't be taken proper care of, don't give it away. Likewise, if there are other items your mom (or someone else) have given you that you would feel upset about if your wife gave away, now would be a good time to talk to her about it to make sure they stay intact!

I try to think about what will matter 100 ys from now. Where will that necklace be, or that camera? We can't take it with us, and neither can the person we give the stuff to. IMO - your wife sounds like a precious jewel and that is what I would worry about taking care of most. It's people that matter, not 'things'.

Edited May 18, 201016 yr by WaatWang

waat wang, my theory exactly................

bina

Funny things family heirlooms.

My sister called me last week. She, as the oldest girl in the family, recieved the engagement rings of both maternal and paternal grandmothers when she got married 30 years ago.

She wanted to know if i would be angry if she gave them to our cousins' daughters from both sides. As neither I nor my brother have daughters I don't see anything wrong with that. Keeps it in the family. And we are Irish. And a lovely thought on her part, even though Lucy and Jessica are not yet 3 years old!!

But she went off on a tirade about when our mother dies i shall have the pick of her jewellry etc. I myself do not wear jewellry and the thought of wearing a diamond ring fills me with dread.

But i put my name down for her pearls!! And Rolex and.....!!!