Marrying A Thai Lady

[djpowers]

Hi all

This is my first time posting but have read many topics so this seems to be a good place to see if i can get an answer to my question.

Ill keep it short and sweet.

Ive been seeing lady in Thailand now for over a year. We have decided to apply for visa and get her over here-thats all in hand. We will marry in Bangkok and get papers then fly back when visa is done. Ok no problems there then.

She now wants us to go back to Thailand after (ok no problem again) and get married Thai style-again no problem.

Heres my issue:

She has been married before yet she is still demanding a big old wedding with family and thats ok but then she wants me to give her mum a dowry which i have read about and understand. I have since been told that if she has already been married I dont need to do this. Its not that Im tight-i just cant afford the money she is thinking of. Lets say 100000 baht and a 3 baht piece of gold. Now thats over £2000 in cash and another grands worth of gold.

Im happy to pay a little but this seems alot for a girl that has been married before.

What do we all think?

Would be great to hear from somebody who has any help or advice

Thanks

[Boater]

u dont pay a dowery or give gold on second marriage

also you didnt give any details on your ' Girl '

anyway run forest run

[goldfinger]

you should marry her immediately, because UK Government is paying your Sin Sot back to you a soon as you arrive with her

in your home village, and ...btw......only 3 baht of gold is not enough for such a "experienced" Lady.

[anonymouse]

My advice would be to read the pinned sin sot thread at the top of the page

[ukrules]

You should tell here there will be no payment as she's already been married, stick to this.

If she insists on a payment then you should terminate the relationship and never speak to her again - I find this to be a most effective way of dealing with errant women.

[malct]

If she loves you and she understands that you cant afford to give a Dowry, Then she wouldn't expect you to give her family any money or Gold.

Me personly, I dont buy into the Thai culture of giving money away.

My thai girlfriend who has also been married to a Thai person has told me that she would never expect anyone in this day and age to give money to Family.

At the moment, We dont have plans on marriage, but we are planning on apllying for a second tourist visa at the end of the year and see how living together goes.

my GF was in the UK from Oct 09 to March 10 and she loved it, But i did loose my space and freedom and at the time i was happy when she went back home to do the thiings that i wanted to do, But since then we have talked about a return visit around march of next year and see how we get on.

in a ideal world, I would like to retire and spend 6 months in thailand and 6 months in the UK with my GF, But will wait and see.

[oldmajor]

You get the picture DJP?

[Livinginexile]

Sounds like a good deal to me!

I personally would pay up to 500k for a divorced Thai woman (with nomore than 4 kids)as I have done 3 times.

She is giving you a bargain! Mary her immediately and buy each member a new motor bike too!

Well done on buying your new wife at a bargain price

[metisdead]

I saw this post 37 minutes after it was posted and I thought: Oh no, not another one!!!

OP says he read up on this, don't know if he read up on this topic on Thai Visa, usually newbies signup and post right away with out spending their valuable time delving through the plethora of topics on this matter within this forum.

OP: you're the one and onliest person to come onto this forum with this predicament, ever. Honest.

In case you missed it:

Sin Sod - An Explanation - Thailand Forum

Another Sin Sod Thread - Thailand Forum

Another Sin Sod Question - Thailand Forum

Sin Sort / Dowry Experiences - Thailand Forum

edited to add:

I'm sticking my neck out here!

Edited June 17, 2010 by metisdead

[goldfinger]

I saw this post 37 minutes after it was posted and I thought: Oh no, not another one!!!

Yes...... another TROLL

[equium]

why to people rip into others posts

i can understand if you think its a troll post but otherwise he might just be a dumb farang asking for real advice.

you dont pay sin-sod if a girl has been married before.

the parents have already had the payment once,

you dont pay sin-sod if the girl has children from another man.

personally i wouldnt worry about the bit where they say about if they had worked in the entertainment industry if she was the right girl, if she had not been married and has no children.i would pay a sin-sod,not a huge amount but i would

all the people who say pay it are wrong.

they should be happy that their divorced widowed daughter has found someone to take care of her and any childern she may have with out thinking of lining their own pockets,if she insists on it find another girl.

[SuperstarStatus]

Probally more or less wants to make sure mom / family has alittle money for anything to happen now that she will be away and gone, for me it's just saying "thanks mom for letting me have your daughter" not really "paying mom / family off" I think I had to pay (mom paid lol) 60000 & 2 baht gold, for a woman I will divorce soon in the future lol!

Ironicaly, a week after we got married, my wifes step dad who was in her life for a while, suddenly got really sick, and threw all the hospital visits we thought he was going to make it, he passed away, which really made me feel bad, cause the 60000 We just gave her mom probally went all to bills after that.

So might be better to pay to make sure mom and family have that security money also.

[jayjayjayjay]

Do a deal, you'll show 500,000 baht in cash and 10 baht of gold ALL for show. That's my experience in Thai Village marriages. The previso it is yours and stays yours. When all is said and done you pack your bags with money and gold.

[SuperstarStatus]

Do a deal, you'll show 500,000 baht in cash and 10 baht of gold ALL for show. That's my experience in Thai Village marriages. The previso it is yours and stays yours. When all is said and done you pack your bags with money and gold.

How does that help mom and the family though?

[BlackArtemis]

Some ideas:

Simply state that you will provide the money as a presentation and it is to be returned to you after the ceremony, bring up the previous marriage or cost of 2 weddings if you see fit.

Cite that you will already be paying for 2 weddings

or 3, and my favorite.

Tell them no problem, if you are to pay for the wedding and dowry in Thailand as per custom, then they have to cover the bill for the western wedding, as per custom.

Good luck.

[sarahsbloke]

It's up to you really

I just married a lady, never married before, but has a daughter.

I gave her 100,000 bht to pay off a loan on her mothers farm, but made it conditional that the farm was put into her name.

(so the other brother and sister who contributed nothing, inherit nothing)

Her mother still lives on the farm and I give her 3000bht a month.

I quite like the mother and the money was nothing to me so why not, makes everyone happy.

Village wedding, NO WAY, free party for a load of strangers who don't like my wife and she doesn't like, just to have a big boast.

Only do what you want to do, only give what you want to give.

Thai marriage vows, he vows to love and protect, she vows to serve.

Don't let your ideas of western marriage vows get in the way of the much more advantageous Thia vows.

Let her serve you!

Edited June 18, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[angiud]

I Love TV members

[rgs2001uk]

Do a deal, you'll show 500,000 baht in cash and 10 baht of gold ALL for show. That's my experience in Thai Village marriages. The previso it is yours and stays yours. When all is said and done you pack your bags with money and gold.

How does that help mom and the family though?

What have mom and the family being doing all these years?

Live for today, tomorrow never comes mai pen rai attitude springs to mind.

Latest mobile phones, large screen tv's, plenty spent on lottery tickets over the years no doubt.

Have mom and the family not been stashing a bit away for a rainy day, or was the retirement fund based on marrying off a daughter?

[MrJohnson]

You should tell here there will be no payment as she's already been married, stick to this.

If she insists on a payment then you should terminate the relationship and never speak to her again - I find this to be a most effective way of dealing with errant women.

Oh, your such as old romantic. What a sweet post.

[ukrules]

You should tell here there will be no payment as she's already been married, stick to this.

If she insists on a payment then you should terminate the relationship and never speak to her again - I find this to be a most effective way of dealing with errant women.

Oh, your such as old romantic. What a sweet post.

I'm glad you agree, it's time to put the foot down here and let her know who's in charge. ( OP - that's you by the way in case you missed it)

Tell her you're not interested in Thai culture as you're not a Thai so it doesn't really apply to you and that you aren't forcing your dearest traditions onto her so a compromise could be reached.

Personally I don't require any cultural 'adornments' in my life so the whole thing would be a moot point. If this was regarding my situation she'd either do it my way which would be neutral and lacking in cultural additions and peculiarities or that'd be the end of it.

In addition to this you could tell her you'll go along with some of the ceremonial crap they might want to subject you to but that's where you draw the line. Money doesn't change hands.

If she doesn't like than then your search for a wife continues.

Edited June 18, 2010 by ukrules

[Loz]

some people what to be married more than they want their life to make sense to the average person of education. Let them be. Thailand is a very easy place for them to find their hearts desire. Just because it doesn't suit some of us doesn't mean it isn't the perfect tonic for others.

Live and let live (at least until they find a suitable balcony)

[astral]

Read between the lines, if you give in now to financial demands then perhaps the future will not be so rosey.

Good advice!!

Offer to pay the SinSod for show ONLY.

All to be returned afterwards, well the cash anyway!!

[Latindancer]

Every story is different. My own fiancee's parents did not DEMAND, but it seems that in Isaan people have so much of an expectation of some sort of dowry, that I met them half-way, and agreed to about 30,000 baht cash. Plus I pay for the very small wedding......not the whole village or anything. Moreover, she says that they will NOT require regular "help-outs" in the future. Maybe just occasionally, and only smallish amounts.

Watch for the parents' reaction when you tell them it's not part of your culture. Even if it's through your fiancee. Push them to establish their real limit and feelings, then back off. Use your gut feelings on whether they're being greedy or if they have a real expectation. My in-laws are really nice people and I didn't want to offend them. I could see that for whatever reason, her father had a very real and genuine expectation of SOME sort of payment.

Edited June 18, 2010 by Latindancer

[ozzieovaseas]

For my two satangs worth, if i ever felt the need to marry a Thai i think i would offer 50,000 baht sinsod, but that being for the WHOLE deal..

Meaning i pay ONLY 50,000..PERIOD!..If they want to add gold, big village parties,loads of whisky, ect ect, then it all comes out of the 50,000....up to them

You pay one amount and you dont worry about anything else..

The term TIT works both ways, tell them this is all you can afford at the moment as you will need to keep your dosh to provide for wifey in the future. Let them organise how they will spend it, if they are sensible they will go low key..and maybe put a bit aside for mae

If you go in with a blank cheque then of course they will take no prisoners and have a grand old shebang..all on your purse

BUT, alternatively, (and this is my personal preferance) you could have a new "wife" once a month if you wanted..maybe once every few weeks if you really tried

The trick is just not to marry any of 'em

[sarahsbloke]

The trick is just not to marry any of 'em

Good advice unless you want children.

If you want any rights over future children you produce, then you marry the girl in Thailand at the Amphur office.

[ozzieovaseas]

The trick is just not to marry any of 'em

Good advice unless you want children.

If you want any rights over future children you produce, then you marry the girl in Thailand at the Amphur office.

I see your point..you must be one of the younger TV punters!

If your thinking kids..good for you and all the best,hope it works out well

Sadly, at the ripe old age of 40, i have yet another temporary GF who im doubtful about being wife material, let alone the issue of kids..

Excluding the choice of international schooling, i would always worry that my children would grow up with limited English speaking abilities, which would destroy me if i couldnt communicate with them 100%..

Gf speaking very little English is bad enough, she doesnt seem to bothered to learn either, so i dont think shed encourage her own kids to

[MrJohnson]

The trick is just not to marry any of 'em

Good advice unless you want children.

If you want any rights over future children you produce, then you marry the girl in Thailand at the Amphur office.

I see your point..you must be one of the younger TV punters!

If your thinking kids..good for you and all the best,hope it works out well

Sadly, at the ripe old age of 40, i have yet another temporary GF who im doubtful about being wife material, let alone the issue of kids..

Excluding the choice of international schooling, i would always worry that my children would grow up with limited English speaking abilities, which would destroy me if i couldnt communicate with them 100%..

Gf speaking very little English is bad enough, she doesnt seem to bothered to learn either, so i dont think shed encourage her own kids to

No problem with the English-language skills - just teach them Ostrayan.

[Huey]

This one is pretty simple and straight forward. Depending on the socio-economic background of your lady, had she NOT been married before the sinsot she is proposing along with the gold, WOULD be quite reasonable.

However, she was married and this is NOT AT ALL reasonable. Asking you to pay it is tantamount to calling you stupid and in some way not as good as a Thai man. Because from him they would simply be happy that he is taking a divorcee. Sin sot would be negligible if it was there at all.

I would propose a compromise

Do SHOW dough.

As in do the cash for SHOW but part with NONE of it after the ceremony and maybe a few baht gold.

[IanForbes]

No problem with the English-language skills - just teach them Ostrayan.

:D

I wondered what language that ozzie was writing. :D

[cdnvic]

A small token amount is ok for tradition's sake, but generally on a second marriage there is no big payout. Don't forget that you have a culture too, and they need to compromise between your cultural expectations and theirs to make sure the marriage gets off on a good foundation.