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Darth Vader reads last night's England game this way; Algeria is given a green light to foul in the opening twenty minutes without censure. Referee and linesman, from Uzbekistan are compliant with FIFA instructions. In passive acknowledgement, Algeria's manager and assistant wear FIFA in blazing yellow. Game starts. Algeria, unrestrained, brutally stamp feet and bruise muscle. Absence of whistle and yellow card is legitimised by a record number of bookings and fouls in a controversial and contentious previous match in which Americans succesfully villify the referee. In the meantime, Algeria drops Terry with a severe head-butt and Carraghar is booked for no reason at all. Thus intimidated, battered England remain gun-shy and hesitant throughout the rest of the game, our top players more concerned with injury avoidance and Premier league fitness than playing against a stacked deck of 11 steroidal thugs and complicite officials. FIFA foils England's hopes in time-honoured style, and consider cutting match coverage to another 5 million cable viewers in Thailand to stifle the potential of complaint.

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