Have I Got News For You

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Kindly garnered from the IMDB Database;

Memorable Quotes from

"Have I Got News for You" (1990)

Paula Yates: [to Ian Hislop] Don't even look at me, you sperm of the devil.

Ian Hislop: Sperm of the devil. Even your insults emanate from the genitals.

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Paul Merton: Never a frown, with Gordon Brown.

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[after learning that a series has been tied at an equal number of games for each team]

Stephen Fry: Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot?

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[on Tony Blair's appearance on The Simpsons]

Martin Clunes: According to The Mirror, the cartoon Blair "comes with sticky out ears and a cheesy grin". Don't knock it, it's a living.

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Paul Merton: Am I in one of John Simpson's trips? I'm sitting here with a tub of lard trying to answer questions in German.

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Piers Morgan: Who here actually LIKES Ian Hislop?

Audience: [loud cheering]

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[There is a lot of booing from the audience]

Paul Merton: Did you hear that booing?

Linda Smith: Yes.

Paul Merton: [to William] Did it register with your brain, that booing?

William Hague: I was Leader of the Tory party long enough to learn how to ignore booing.

Paul Merton: You weren't very popular then? Why do you think that was?

William Hague: Just because I tell jokes doesn't mean you should have political opinions.

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Piers Morgan: Jam.

Ian Hislop: I'm sorry?

Piers Morgan: When Eddie Izzard was on last week he kept saying 'jam', and everyone laughed.

Ian Hislop: Yes, but people like him.

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Gordon Kennedy: Don't take it out on me.

[pointing to Ian]

Gordon Kennedy: I'm not the sperm of the devil, he is.

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Robin Cook: Good evening. I'll be hosting tonight's show, unless I have to resign on a point of principle halfway through.

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Robin Cook: With Ian Hislop is a man who travels to far flung places and upsets the locals. He should have a go at being Foreign Secretary. P.J.O'Rourke.

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Robin Cook: [Describing Paul's guest] A doctor responsible for more smears then the Daily Mail. Dr Phil Hammond.

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Dr Phil Hammond: Don't you hope for a president with a three-digit I.Q.?

P J O'Rourke: We're not a three-digit country.

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Robin Cook: [a large amount of explosives have vanished from an army base in Iraq] A spokesman stated, "We want to make sure we get to the bottom of this." Although, given their previous record in this area, I'm not holding my breath.

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[after a clip of Robert Kilroy-Silk explaining the rules of Share or Shaft]

Robin Cook: Unfortunately, Robert, when you asked your party to share, they decided to shaft.

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Robin Cook: I've already been mistaken for Claire Short, I don't want to be mistaken for a Millwall fan.

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Robin Cook: I've already been mistaken on this show for a satanist. I don't want to be mistaken for a Milwall fan.

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Sean Lock: Only 2% of people go to church in this country

Paul Merton: And they're priests!

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Des Lynam: Archer has issued a strenuious denial - as good as a signed confession, really!

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Ian Hislop: I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!

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Des Lynam: Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?

Ian Hislop: Customers?

Des Lynam: Yes!

Ian Hislop: What does that make criminals - clients?

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Paul Merton: I can see you as Zorro!

Ian Hislop: Zorro, the gay blade!

Des Lynam: I've never been accused of that - yet!

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[Osama bin Larden's brother has released a perfume, described as 'inner peace in a bottle']

Des Lynam: Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother!

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Des Lynam: [During a discussion on short-sighted dogs receiving spectacles, or doggles] Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock - "oh, so *that's* what I've been sniffing all this time!"

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Angus: So, Paula, put us right, then. Did you *not* have a breast enlargment operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?

Woman in Audience: Yes!

Paula Yates: All right! So much for sisterhood!

Ian Hislop: So much for sisterhood?

Paula Yates: [Pointing to part of the audience] That's a women just said yes!

Ian Hislop: Is that what you said to Helena Christiansen?

Angus: Woo!

Audience: Oooh!

Ian Hislop: [Turning towards the Audience] I can't believe it!

Paul Merton: Who's Helena Christiansen?

Angus: You *can* always resort to physical violence after the show!

Paula Yates: [Turning to Paul] I'll tell you later.

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Des Lynam: [on Mark Thatcher being implicated in a coup] After Archer was implicated, we thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person. How wrong we were!

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Boris Johnson: Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. My name is Boris Johnson, and when I first appeared as a guest on this show, I complained that the whole thing was scripted, and rehearsed. I'd now like to complain in the strongest possible terms, that it isn't.

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Boris Johnson: On Paul's team is a presenter whose new Channel 5 show is called "God Almighty", which, coincidentally, is what most people said when they heard I was to present this show.

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Martin Clunes: Could you just shut your face. For just five minutes?

Ruby Wax: Don't you ever interrupt me again.

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William Hague: My name is William Hague, and in taking on this job, I'll be laying myself open to a barrage of disrespectful remarks and critical sniping from all sides, designed to undermine my position. Nothing new in that, really.

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Bruce Forsyth: [after introducing Ian's guest] Oh, It's father and son.

Ian Hislop: That would be appropriate, with Grandfather in the chair.

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Ian Hislop: I promise I'll be quiet.

Charles Kennedy: That's quite alright. I never buy your lousy publication anyway.

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[the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election]

Ian Hislop: Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed.

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Mark Steel: [on Bush and Rumsfeld] They're like an old couple with some holiday brochures. "Where shall we invade next? Cuba looks nice."

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Jane Leeves: The BBC sent 188 journalists to cover the U.S. Elections. I can't believe the BBC would spend money to fly a person across the Atlantic for a television programme.

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Jane Leeves: A second tongue makes a man more attractive. I can see how that might work.

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[a Royal Navy Technician has been given permission to become a Satanist]

Robin Cook: His mother said 'He doesn't have an evil bone in his body.' No, he has them in a bloody biscuit tin under his bunk.

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Robin Cook: [during a discussion about the Battle of Balaclava] We *did* have the French on our side then.

P.J. O'Rourke: We had them on our side in World War II, and a fat lot of good it did us.

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Robin Cook: [on guest publication "The Tightwad Gazette"] It costs £1.50, or you could get somebody to photocopy it for you.

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Robin Cook: [on Tommy Cooper] Tommy used to pour gin on his breakfast cereal. Yes, he was a fan of Gordon's, but, then, aren't we all.

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Guest Host: Yes, Queen Elizabeth I was bald and had wooden teeth and yet somehow managed to remain a virgin.

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Paul Merton: [while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting]

[yells out at random points]

Paul Merton: Bank!

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[guest host Nicholas Parsons has repeatedly fluffed his lines throughout the show]

Julia Hartley-Brewer: This is a bit like spending the evening with a decrepit old grandad.

Nicholas Parsons: Julia, I can take you upstairs and show you that there's nothing decrepit about me.

[roars of approval from the audience]

Paul Merton: But you'd have to take the lift, wouldn't you?

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Paul Merton: [Missing Headline Round - in response to "John Prescott loses _______ by being locked in a lavatory"] John Prescott loses a "try not to get locked in a lavatory competition".

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Angus Deayton: Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now.

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[former MI5 officer David Shayler is on the show]

Angus Deayton: Incidentally, I should point out if at any time one of David's answers is found to be in breach of the Official Secrets Act, then sadly I will be in breach of it too for having asked the question, and apparently you will too for having listened to it. So, er, see you in Strangeways.

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Angus Deayton: Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army.