Losing Your Temper Over Little Things

[onnut]

now that you've posted a bit more information, ie. baby on the way, visa stuff etc. I reckon the most likely thing is that your anger is a reaction to fear (bear with me on this )

It's part of an evolved 'fight or flight' instinct, when a challenging situation arises, as a single male you can do one of two things. You can face the challenge head on, win or lose it doesn't matter, you're only putting yourself at risk. Or, you can duck out of it, again, it's only your own loss.

Now you're in a situation where other people, one yet to be born, are relying on you, it's possible that you feel trapped because, sub-consciously, you feel that you no longer have this choice (fight or flight). Maybe the anger you're feeling stems from this sub-conscious feeling.

You need to know that you will be a good father/husband, trust yourself more. Do the things you can do and the rest will follow. Express yourself, talk with your wife, tell her you love her (at least once a day). Take time to enjoy the things around you. This will help you feel more part of a partnership and less like a 'lone warrior' taking on the world.

I'm assuming you moved to Thailand for some very good reasons, remind yourself of them as often as you can. It's easy to say but you need to make a deliberate point of looking at everything good around you every day, smile to yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself 'you lucky man'. Every day there will be boring tedious, pain-in-the-arse things you need to get done, but after they're done, or not (depending on the <deleted> that seem to appear as if by magic to frustrate you!) take it easy, smile and laugh with your wife, breathe

I recently met up with a very good friend of mine who I hadn't seen for about 6 years. His life has already been liberally sprinkled with what anyone would regard as very bad luck.

His ex-wife cheated on him, left him to bring up 2 kids alone, his son has a severe food allergy and requires a special diet, his house was almost taken from him, there's more but let's just say he's been through the mill.

Always with a smile on his face and a joke to share, he has a 'thing' he does. He tells me of things that have happened to him and shrugs his shoulders, then makes a motion with his hand as if brushing dust from his shoulder.

So, I bump into him and ask him, innocently, 'so, what's been happening in your life then?'

'Oh, the usual' he says, 'I've had 2 more kids, living in a different house, different part of town etc. etc.' 'oh and I've got MS, spent 2 years in and out of hospital, nearly died, couldn't walk for 6 months' (he told me this on the dance floor of a club in London by the way!). Then he did the 'brush it off' move, came back from the bar with some free drinks he'd managed to wangle, and smiled.

Life changes, but take the time to enjoy it, cos you only get one (that I'm aware of).

Relax, brother, relax.

And stay off the Lithium (also known as 'shuffle medicine' cos that's all you can do) it only masks the symptoms so it benefits everyone else but not you.

My posts are long but sometimes worth reading

All the best mate, feel free to pm me if you like too.

Cheers

Biff

This is the best post I've read in a long time. I think you have hit the nail on the head with this.

[MikeyIdea]

Who is it going to help if you lose your temper? No one. Relax, lower your expectations, scream out your anger occasionally in the car or on your motor cycle (when you're alone so that people don't think you're crazy). Bifftastics post is excellent, read parts of it every day for a while. You're a lucky guy, remember that.

I wouldn't underestimate uncertainty, doesn't have to be fear I think - they are real stress producers that eat on you. Perhaps uncertainty wouldn't eat on you under normal circumstances but living in a country with new / strange culture where it's difficult to understand how people think and react is perhaps not normal. If family is affected or in risk of being affected, then think carefully and demand of yourself to keep your temper, make a point of waiting a few hours before bringing up negative stuff and you will see that they are not as negative any longer

For the family, I can recommend open communication. I have a 5 year old daughter that I try to give as much self-confidence as possible (well, almost anyway) and needless to say, she is difficult sometimes. I tell her openly (in a nice way) when I am getting irritated and why and she absolutely loves that. Open communication is very good at helping smoothing out problems. I hope your wife will take it up. My wife doesn't want to, the not how I was brought up attitude... That may be her choice but it doesn't help I can tell you.

Learning the language is going to help I think, having problems communicating is stressful.

But most of all I think it is about control. You are a Lucky Guy, don't worry, be happy, smile, think happy thoughts

If you feel that part of the problem is anxiety, then a short! Diazepam 5 mg before sleep treatment should help, no more than 2 weeks is my recommentation and you should of course go to a clinic and explain your symptoms and what you want to the doctor. It is prescription medicine and Benzos is nothing to play with, but they are known to be very good at helping people with (temporary) anxiety problems. As long as it is short, then no problem. Temporary for the - it's too much right now and that makes you more stressed up / weaker / can't sleep well / think too much symptom. Diazepam is no long term solution to anything

Good Luck

Edited July 12, 2010 by MikeyIdea

[Patsycat]

Sorry, was going to comment but can't. Doorbell just buzzed.

[thaibeachlovers]

Reading your post I recognise myself!

5 years ago I went on a "tranquillizer" because of it, and it worked very well, so consider medication along with all the other advice above.

Incidentally, I am a 'health worker" with a lot of phsychological insight, but nothing stopped the rage, which was spontaneous and uncontrollable.

None of the non drug solutions worked for me.

However, you should not take any such drug unless under the supervision of a competent medic.

I started taking medication after I lost it with my boss, and started shouting at her one day at work. Luckily she recognised that I was not well, and didn't sack me. I was referred to the work health unit, but unfortunately they were useless, and did not solve anything. My drugs were prescribed by my GP.

I took it for about a year.

I eventually stopped the medication, as it made me impotent, but it got me through the worst. Once I stopped flying off the handle at the slightest provocation I was able to recognise the onset of a rage, and walk away. Yes, you can recognise when you are becoming angry, and do something about it. Perhaps counting to 10 will do for you, but I have to walk away.

When I was working, I had to involve my team leaders, as otherwise it would have seemed strange just walking out in the middle of everything.

I even had to warn my friends that I might have an episode of rage, and that it wasn't their fault if it happened ( luckily I never had an episode with a friend, but only because by then I'd learned the warning signs and took action ).

Since I retired early ( or die of rage, which I continued to suffer every day at work ), and removed myself from most of the stressors in a working life, things have got very much better, but it only takes some of the triggers you mention to make me instantly angry. Even thinking about the injustices of my past life can make me angry.

Not being a psychologist, I do not know the base reason for my rage, and I can't afford years of phsychological treatment, so I have to live with it as best I can.

It is possible to recognise when you are becoming angry, and it is possible to stop yourself IF YOU WANT TO. My problem is that I don't want to, I want to shout at "those bastards", and "let it all hang out"! However, I also know that it's not good for myself physically ( have got high BP ), or for my GF, whom I embarrass sometimes ( luckily never had an episode with her, and don't want to, ever ) in public.

My advice, such as it is:

If you can afford it, get psychological help. Understanding the causes usually helps.

Consider drug treatment. There are many different sorts, with different side effects, so you must be prescribed by a competent medic in consultation with you.

Involve your family ( and friends if they are good enough ), as you can't succeed without help. My GF can calm me down when I lose it.

Evolve a plan to deal with it before it gets out of control. Whatever works.

Don't give up.

Recognising you have a problem is the first step!

I wish you well.

PS, many people don't understand that what you feel is more than a simple loss of temper, and not easily controlled. Having an anger problem is, like all psychological problems, not apparent to an outsider, but that doesn't make it any less of a disease, which needs to be treated, and not to be dismissed as just having a "bad temper".

Edited July 12, 2010 by thaibeachlovers

[bangkokburning]

Do like half the board does - hire a Thai to wait you hand and foot.

In all seriousness,

Take some time outside the country. Evaluate why you are here, what you like about Thailand in comparison to the country youve chosen to travel/holiday in. Think about why you left your country ...Take no less than two months. Even better, come back when you miss it. II've done this a few times.

Large material possessions are nothing but a headache outside ones country imo.

There is a reason its called the third world.

[Heng]

Yeah, those with short tempers are probably best served by doing a full self analysis of one's mental issues. Sometimes you can fix them, sometimes they might be rooted deeper and can't be fixed (you might have been cheated in the LOS a number of times and no longer have contact with those parties).

[BigPanda]

I had the same, quickly realized it was because i was so fed up with my ex girlfriend.

After leaving her, life went back to normal.

[MikeyIdea]

I had the same, quickly realized it was because i was so fed up with my ex girlfriend.

After leaving her, life went back to normal.

Well, that is not an option for the OP as he has a child on the way, unless he wants to accept that he is a lousy and unresponsibile parent

Not blaming the OP in any way, just commenting that life is sometimes not as simple as that

[chaoyang]

<snip&>Any advice?

I left Thailand three 3-1/2 years ago after living there for 14 years. I was at the point I could not check in at immigration (every 90 days -- with an intern who could not understand my passport) or drive to work without losing it. Everything annoyed me -- the chaos, the lies, the noise, the heat, the extremely dangerous driving, the neighbor's loud TV and nosiness.

Finally I had to leave and am damned glad I did. There is a limit to human tolerance and Thailand pushes many foreigners to the edge of it and beyond.

If you can truly become a Buddhist and rise beyond it all, that might work. Otherwise I can only offer my empathy and tell you that you are not alone and likely not crazy. Your reactions might in fact be sane, but of course the Thais will tell you it's your fault somehow.

Edited July 13, 2010 by chaoyang

[MikeyIdea]

I think we are going a bit extreme here

It is very common that westerners on foreign territory gets the problems that the OP mentions, doesn’t have to be bipolarism or anything as serious as that. I have not heard anything from the OP that cannot be explained with stress. Living in an alien country with culture somewhat difficult to understand, being faced with that it is impossible to keep western standards, not wanting to lower expectations even though it is the only way to keep sanity, being the only who doesn’t want to overuse the “mai per rai” mentality all the time, not being able to understand how even the wife thinks, people who don’t want to understand how you think and want things, language problems, no social security network, you name it…

Do you by any chance feel anything of the above?

I first talk about control, because medicine is never a long term solution I think. Lithium will kill your kidneys over time, all medication has side effects of some sort and generally, they don’t work very well if the person treated doesn’t really try at the same time anyway. Treatment starts in the mind of the person being treated. Not saying that medicine can’t be a good helper to the mind though

Best start to treatment I can think of is to read selected parts of Biffs post every day

How is sleep? Are thoughts going round, round in your head? I’m going to go back to the feeling of feeling unsecure. My spell checker keeps telling me that it is wrong but I don’t mean insecure… Not easy to start up a new life in a new country, so many things that is building pressure and stress, all small things but so many that it adds up to a mountain. One of the most important things in learning to control pressure and stress is to get a distance to it all, but unfortunately, the more pressure and stress you are under, the more difficult that is. What do you do yourself to build stress and pressure? You do a lot I am sure, but what? Can’t see really because you’re all into it. You need to get some distance to be able to clearer see what you yourself do to build pressure and stress, then what you can do build less, then learn to reduce the effects of what you don’t build but is there anyway

When I'm listening to someone talk and I feel the situation is out of my control or 'unfair' the anger urge is completely involuntary. It's like the proverbial red mist and I can feel my blood pressure rising and my ability to react in a normal conversation is seriously hampered. I misread conversational cues all the time and take things far too seriously. I'm under control enough not to strike people, but I've had enough talks with shyer and gentle people (normal people) to be aware they consider me to have a violent tendency.

That doesn’t have to be bipolarism at all, sure are signs of pressure and stress though

2 things I hope you will be able to smile at one day

Why do you get angry about something that is outside your control? Think of it. It Is Outside Your Control, you can’t do anything about it, OK? When you feel your blood pressure raising because of that, learn to laugh about the stupidity of it

Why do you get angry because something is unfair to someone else? – Yes, so what? Life’s not fair. You work on being fair to your family and your child coming soon and your friends and sod the unfair bit. You worry about you being fair and let others worry about themselves, OK?

You will one day either realise that all the things that make you angry now actually don’t matter, or leave Thailand, sure

As help to get some distance to it all, I recommend that you should try 2 weeks of one 5 mg Diazepam pill before sleep, analyse what you do and isolate stress building events, then work out what you can do to reduce the effects of them

Any local clinic has Diazepam, better go to a smaller clinic than bigger hospital actually, see a doctor and explain how you feel and ask for it. If it is the right medicine for you, then effect is quick, can very well be noticeable within 3 days or so, 5 days only is not wasted, don't take it more than 2 - 3 weeks or so

Don't worry, you're one of hundreds if not thousands of people who feel that way

Good Luck and especially Good Luck with the family and the child on the way

[MikeyIdea]

I have always been amazed that while Thais can get angry over what I feel are trivial things, they can also take many things calmly which would drive me bonkers. Of course, part of that is cultural. But if a foreigner embraces part of the Thai culture, can that work?

I was invited to go listen to a talk given Saturday night by an English Buddhist monk who is an abbot at a monastery in Australia. Part of that talk was a 30 minute guided meditation. I am not advocating anything here, and I have not been a guy too into meditation and such, but I have to admit, it did have a pretty dramatic calming effect on me. So for those who advocate meditation as a means to reduce stress, I would have to say there might be something to it.

For me, exercise is my stress-reducer of choice, but maybe meditation has a valid place in reducing stress and outbursts of anger.

"But if a foreigner embraces part of the Thai culture, can that work?" - I absolutely think so yes. There is almost nothing more stress releasing than *also* being able to think - mai pen rai I am talking out of my own experience there

Meditation and diet are two things not used that much by western psychiatrists but it's used quite a lot in Asia, I have talked to more than one Thai psychiatrist who thinks that they are the most effective ingredients in a successful treatment. I believe in both

[Richb2004v2]

<snip&>Any advice?

I left Thailand three 3-1/2 years ago after living there for 14 years. I was at the point I could not check in at immigration (every 90 days -- with an intern who could not understand my passport) or drive to work without losing it. Everything annoyed me -- the chaos, the lies, the noise, the heat, the extremely dangerous driving, the neighbor's loud TV and nosiness.

Finally I had to leave and am damned glad I did. There is a limit to human tolerance and Thailand pushes many foreigners to the edge of it and beyond.

If you can truly become a Buddhist and rise beyond it all, that might work. Otherwise I can only offer my empathy and tell you that you are not alone and likely not crazy. Your reactions might in fact be sane, but of course the Thais will tell you it's your fault somehow.

I agree. The OP is having a normal human reaction to the chaos of everyday life in Thailand. Get out before you are in such a state that you no longer get annoyed at all and mask it in a bottle.

[Valdezugar]

Some drastic medicinal solutions offered here as well as some pretty simple ones.

Try just pausing and closing your eyes for 60 seconds. You'll find it's not that easy to do but it does great things for your self control. Biff and Mikey are onto something too.

I teach a form of sports and traditional combat on the side and you'd be amazed at what 60 seconds of earthing yourself can do. Just build it from there; no need to go into deep meditation. Or do some repetitive task for a while that will ground you nicely And I don't mean find a young un' and repeatedly girate your hips