Theres Been Some Serious Topics Of Late

Not sexist like but.....

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one

of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by

Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on

12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,

Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8

hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings

of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two

lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km

(313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of

a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles

into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing

from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the

longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator

flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st

August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch

of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks

could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in

the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the

changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks

eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange

it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also

holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September

12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's

window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going

home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble

sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on

February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial

scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at

the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore

dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another

18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and

quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble

sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in

Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half

months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes

and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged

and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor

record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her

neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November

1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening

dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the

bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury

popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she

told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an

affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs.

Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy.

By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen

to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the

local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of

American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs.

Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was

common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley

Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet

simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton.

At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in

Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to

go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the

party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and,

after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband

without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th

October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to

watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40

secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the

glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own

record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron'

before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty

minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,

48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly

reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She

ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for

air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was

taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later

after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved

an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the

story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles,

nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a

barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only,

accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.