Crackdowns And Police Raids

[PattayaOneTeam]

Nightmarch

By Duncan Stearn

Covering the cracks during a crackdown: For much of the first part of the high season the bars of Fun Town, be they go-go's, coyote dens, or nightclubs have been subjected to one of those periodic and ultimately pointless crackdowns by the men in brown. It began with joints having to close their doors by 3:00am and then this was reefed back to 2:00am, probably affecting the financial bottom line of more nightclubs than anyone else. Why do they do it? Probably the same answer you would get if you could ask a dog why it licks its balls: “because I can.”

Not quite Mission Impossible: People of a certain age may recall the start of each episode of the US television series Mission: Impossible where actor Peter Graves, as Jim Phelps, would find himself a tape recording in some obscure location and listen to it to find out his next assignment. “Good day Mr Phelps, here is a photo of The Office go-go bar in Soi LK Metro. It has failed in many previous incarnations, but the new management appears to have half an idea of what is needed to be successful. However, for some reason they are missing that little incentive to turn it into a proper theme bar that will make it a place to visit. Your mission Jim is to infiltrate the bar with your team and start making sensible suggestions to improve the joint. As usual should you or any of your team be caught, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.”

So, what would Phelps and his team suggest? The draft amber fluid prices are reasonable with Heineken at 70 baht and Tiger 60 baht; the aural stimulation is average, no better or worse than many other similar joints. The lighting is a bit on the dark side, which hides a multitude of sins, but again, this is not really a negative. The failure is in the theme. The service girls are really quite fetching in their pin-stripe short skirts and jackets, so that side of the theme idea works well. It's the attire of the dancing damsels where the theme unravels. Some of the dancers wear a see-through white shirt and a couple even add a tie as well to the ensemble, so at least that's partially in keeping with the theme. Unfortunately, it is let down by having the rest decked out in the standard g-string. With a little bit more thought and effort it surely wouldn't take much to attire the 20-25 dancers they have in a sexy office-girl look that would, I'm almost certain, be appreciated by revellers and make a change from almost every other den in Fun Town.

Nabokov would be mightily impressed: Just next door to The Office go-go is the Lolita's gentleman's (and others) one-eyed trouser snake handshake lounge. If there is a more plushly decorated boozing establishment in Pattaya I'm yet to find it. Libations start at around 60 baht, there is a pool table in the middle of the open ground floor (no charge for customers), but off to the side is a more enclosed area for punters who may wish to chat in a more intimate manner with any of the dozen or more damsels employed in Lolita's. To get a load off your tiny mind with a lady prepared to talk in tongues is 700 baht, or 1,000 baht for a short-term bout of horizontal mattress dancing.

A victim of its own success? The recent raid on the Champagne go-go bar in Soi LK Metro where an undercover foreign operative was used to take a willing dancing damsel upstairs to ostensibly engage in a cavity inspection for monetary reward raises a few questions. Question one: why Champagne? Answer: It's foreign owned (it is extremely rare for a Thai-run operation to ever be targeted by the plod for an action of this nature). Question two: why Champagne? Answer: It's proved to be an extremely successful go-go bar and is probably making a lot of money, and there are jealous people who would like to see some of the profits re-distributed into their pockets. Question three: why Champagne? Answer: their name came out of the 'we need to look as though we're tough on prostitution' hat. Next week it will be someone else, but only if it's foreign-owned and making money.

Open, closed, changed, raided, and different: The moveable feast that is the nightlife scene of Fun Town is constantly in a state of flux with places opening and closing, sometimes faster than anyone can keep up with. In recent times, for example, we have seen the long-running Paris go-go in Soi Diamond close, change hands, re-open under the same name and now it has been re-badged as Atlantis. Re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic is a phrase that comes to mind.

The opening of the Alcatraz go-go on Walking Street proper was delayed during November (the actual opening date escapes me), but Fahrenheit did open to less than universal acclaim. I'm told it's owned by the same crew who has the Tiger and Shark dens, so expect a big bite in terms of booze prices.

The re-opened Carousel go-go in Soi Diamond was another place subjected to a raid by the plod and it has suffered since then while Lucifer's, the head-bangers club on Walking Street also had a visit from the peelers.

Further afield the struggling First bar in Soi 8 is apparently going to return to its go-go format at the end of November (after the deadline for copy for this edition of Pattaya One). Once again I am reminded of deckchairs and the Titanic.

Congratulations are in order for the Classroom go-go in Pattayaland Soi 2, which turned 17 on 1 December. Although not in its original home, it is still in the same soi and when it opened in December 1993 in a single narrow shophouse, it quickly became one of the most popular dens in Fun Town. The original owners have long gone but Scott, the English manager has remained on deck throughout all the ups and downs of relocating, refurbishing and competing in an increasingly tough and expanding market. While it is no longer anywhere near as popular as in its heyday, Classroom has a loyal following built up over those 17 years, and much of it I'm sure has to do with Scott, who is probably now the longest serving manager of any den in Pattaya. Maybe a special medal needs to be struck to honour this long service.

So much more than a cover for your beer: One of the advertisements in Pattaya One is for Coaster Candy, which sounds a little like something you would offer schoolchildren as they wander out the front gate after class. In fact, they are a potentially great personalized advertisement for any boozer or noshery which uses drinks coasters because customers are more than likely to pinch them as souvenirs. Light, portable and memorable: imagine Harold, sitting at home in his bungalow in Shellow Bowels, as he lifts a lager to his parched lips from his go-go bar coaster. He's not thinking of the joy of the amber froth, he's being reminded of the contortions number 69 from the Shagalots den performed on his prostrate form during his two-week holiday in Fun Town.

I'm told by the people who operate Coaster Candy that a couple of Russians made contact and for some reason thought they could order a couple of willing East European damsels to come to their room for a quick lie down in exchange for monetary reward. Naturally, they weren't interested in ordering a suitcase full of coasters. Such can be the problems with language.

A new record, maybe? Congratulations to Lanky Yank Stan and Woolly Welsh Colin who celebrated an amazing 22 years at the same location in mid-November. The couple run the Cheers beer, but not a hostess in sight, bar on Pattayaland Soi 2. Over the years the pair have built up a pretty loyal following of expats and regulars, and I've no doubt it is this custom that has kept them afloat in recent years as times have become so much tougher.

Piece of Pith: Three stages to life in Thailand: 1.Thailand is paradise, the people are wonderful, everything is perfect. Disillusion sets in and then you hit stage 2. Thailand is awful, Thai people are horrible, it's a hell on earth. Finally stage 3, which some people never reach: Thailand is just a place, like any other, with good and bad people like everywhere else. (Found on a Thai web forum)

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-- Pattaya One 2010-12-13