Orang'S Faux Pas Hosed Off With "Map Phen Rai"

[orang37]

Sawasdee Khrup, TV CM Friends,

Last night, concerned by the recent developments in China, particularly the fact that the Chinese military unveiled their new stealth plane to the visiting delegation of Americans, led by Secretary of Defense Gates, without, evidently first informing President Hu Jintao, and the upper civilian echelons of Chinese government, they were going to do so: coupled with the release of news of the unexpectedly early operational capability of an "aircraft carrier killer" missile that, in one stroke, changes the geo-political reality of Asia via ability of the projection of non-Chinese sea and air power in the Pacific ...

... and also perhaps subliminally affected by news of sharks swimming the streets of flooded Brisbane, the amputation of one of Zsa Zsa Gabor's legs, etc. ...

We felt, after a long foot/lower-leg massage at the hands of the master-of nuwat boran, a fifty-two year old man of incredible strength, Khun Somlit ("somlit" translates as "bronze"), during which our muscles, and connective tissue, in the feet and legs were shredded, pulped, and all but pureed ...

Unusually fine: we decided we needed to take some action on our concern with global politics, however, so we went to the Spotlight Bar to observe naval manuvers there over a cup of hot-tea, sitting in the "non-punter's" front left corner that virtually announces you are a long-time expat, and definitely not a candidate for ATM.

After an hour, or so, and a nice conversation with a young Lisu lady from Chiang Dao who had just come back from a younger sister's wedding up on the mountain, and described in detail the ritual slaughter of the pig that everyone enjoyed eating at the wedding festival (they're all Christians, from her village, ever since out-of-breath pale-skinned red-faced missionaries, utterly failing to convert Thais, arrived in the mountains all over northern Thailand and into Burma with free rice from Jesus, but you can't tell us that ritual pig-slaughter doesn't have "animist" roots) ...

We were not on our trusty bicycle, so arranged a tuk-tuk to take us first up Charoen Muang (to the intersection with Thanon Teewee Utit) to buy fresh soy-milk, and then to take us home (alone). We were feeling so wonderful from the foot massage, and the relief that followed the successful repair of three mobile phones, which all mal-functioned in one week, etc., our mild-bummer from world-events ameliorated from watching very graceful and spontaneous said naval manuevers, that when we pulled up in front of Khun Mai and Khun Su's (mother-daughter) soy-milk stand, and stepped outside the tuk-tuk to smell the divine aroma of steaming hot fresh soy wafting right in our face ...

We, in what we thought was a moment of inspiration, said to Khun Mai and Khun Su: "ta pom mee wasad bai teo Suwan Tavatimsa, pom khit wha, ban thee, Theppanom mee men mang khan nam tohu:" meaning: "if we ever have the opportunity to, maybe, visit Heaven [the Buddhist Heaven of Phra Ruang's cosmogony, the Tribhumi], we think the Angels may smell like soy milk."

Laughter, always the blossoming of that lovely Thai smile, followed by slight looks of consternation on the part of Khun Mai and Khun Su.

Suddenly, we "got it:" we had used the word "men" which means "stinks," and also refers (with a different tone ?) to a woman's menstrual cycle !

We beat a hasty retreat by repeating what we just said in Thai, substituting the word "hom," which, we hope, is a polite word with the meaning of a nice smell, or being "scented."

Well, "mai phen rai's" all way around, and good night.

The Phii had their revenge on us, however, as we slept, with a vivid dream in which our human form was in some bar, some crummy bar of the kind, in reality, we'd never set foot in, and some desperate farang held a razor of the old-fashioned shaving kind (that is a very dangerous weapon) against our ear, demanding money. We could it feel it nicking our ear, already.

And we turned to him, in the dream, and started crying, saying to him: "how could you let your life get in a place where you have to do this ?:" and he was ashamed, and put down the razor, and left the bar. And then, we had a conversation with the barkeep or owner (a farang): asking him why he didn't keep a pestle (like the heavy wooden ones used to make sum tum), and brain the erstwile ear amputator before he made a Van Gogh of me for loot, not obsessive mad-love.

The barkeep, or owner, then explained that the last time he brained a wanna-be kamoy of the Farang flavour, when he went to the Police Station: the person arrested for threatening violent assault, and attempted theft, was let off because he, the owner or barkeep, had a ball point pen on his person, the police decided that he was also weaponized. Since the only visible injury was to the head of the brainee, the Police instead fined the owner for assault of a customer, after finding the brainee had less than two hundred baht in his wallet.

Poor Zsa Zsa Gabor: no more tangoes for Her. We're pulling all our aircraft carriers in the Pacific an additional 500 miles east of China just in case. And we pray none of the Oz toddlers paddling to kindergarten through the streets-now-klongs of Brisbane are traumatized by the sight of shark fins.

best, ~o:37;

Edited January 15, 2011 by orang37

[Gonzo the Face]

one quick question of wise orang, when having imbibed on fermented soy milk, do you see things in fours ???

Its been a long time...... haven't seen any of you

G

[harrry]

one quick question of wise orang, when having imbibed on fermented soy milk, do you see things in fours ???

Its been a long time...... haven't seen any of you

G

You probably need to check the soy milk supply on the menu.

[harrry]

Orang most farangs do not have nigtmares of their ear being amputated. Their fears are much lower seated.

[phaethon]

I'm always amused when I see one of that chain of (Chinese food) restaurants called "Hong Min" which, without any tone information, seems to me to say Smelly Room....

[Ulysses G.]

And we turned to him, in the dream, and started crying, saying to him: "how could you let your life get in a place where you have to do this ?:" and he was ashamed, and put down the razor, and left the bar.

it must have been a dream. If you were awake, a creep like this would most likely take umbrage at your "dissing" him and attempt to slit your throat.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Ulysses G.

[harrypatterson]

A fascinating novel. I was somewhat confused as to relationship between missionaries, Chinese army and Zsa Zsa Gabor. What was in the tea anyway? Was this a dream or an LSD flashback?

[CMX]

hpatterson,

I would never dare speak for friend Orang, but for myself, Chinese military advances, results and stories of some Christian missionary actions, and amputations done to public figures, all on one day, can result in me being disconcerted - because it is disconcerting.

For myself, I try to avoid bad news while at the same time being fully informed (also calls for a split personality), and I have taught myself to never recall dreams. Thus, while Freudian doctors can't help in that way, by going over my dream state regurgitations, my re-arrangement of reality at night does work silently on background. I like to think of sub conscious operations as beneficial, if invisible, mental bowel movements, though it is not unusual (for me) to retain an answer to a question that I'd not planned to solve.

Part I can't understand is the soy milk.

Trust this helps.

Edited January 15, 2011 by CMX

[harrry]

Best thing is to let Orang be like he is and then we do not have to be like him. Actually his posts are always worth reading and one of these days I will get round to meating him in person.

[Ulysses G.]

He is pretty rational in person and never even mentions his orangutan.

[orang37]

Best thing is to let Orang be like he is and then we do not have to be like him. Actually his posts are always worth reading and one of these days I will get round to meating him in person.

Sawasdee Khrup Khun Harry,

We are so happy you can accept us as we are ! But, may we note, as Charles Manson said in his final speech to the jury in the Sharon Tate murder trials: "I am you."

As to "meating him in person:" well, that sounds delightful, but, if you are into cannibalism of humans, or primates, we are sorry, we must decline.

As Groucho Marx once said: "These are my principles: if you don't like them, I've got others."

best, ~o:37;