For all those who are married to or dating a Thai man long-term, I have some questions:

1- Where did you meet your guy?

2- Were you looking for/attracted to Thai guys when you came to Thailand?

3- Do you support him or make more money than he does, or is it the other way around?

4- Can you speak Thai? And can your man speak English?

5- Has your man been to your country? How was it?

6- Do you find the stereotype of Thai men as promiscuous and violent to be true?

7- Is your current man the first Thai man you have been with?

8- What is the hardest thing about a Thai-Farang relationship in your opinion?

9- What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship?

10- Do you get a lot of flack from others (whether within Thailand or elsewhere) about your being with a Thai man?

Just answer the ones you are comfortable with! And feel free to add questions to the list.

g

For all those who are married to or dating a Thai man long-term, I have some questions:

1- Where did you meet your guy?   Koh Phangan

2- Were you looking for/attracted to Thai guys when you came to Thailand? Nope

3- Do you support him or make more money than he does, or is it the other way around? He has more money than I do, we work together. And frankly, after all this time, it is OUR money

4- Can you speak Thai? And can your man speak English?  Yes to both but I didn't speak Thai when I came whereas his english was quite good

5- Has your man been to your country? How was it? Several times, he likes it. He really enjoys driving there

6- Do you find the stereotype of Thai men as promiscuous and violent to be true?Not with my guy. I would say that in general Thai men are more promiscuous and violent than western guys but not most and certainly not all.

7- Is your current man the first Thai man you have been with? Yes, one and only

8- What is the hardest thing about a Thai-Farang relationship in your opinion?The relationship communication thing, but then I think most guys have problems with this one.

9- What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship?Be very careful, most Thais (men and women) you find seeking out a relationship with a farang usually do so for a reason. I was fortunate in that my husband and I just sort of clicked, he wasn't looking for a farang girl (had never had a farang gf before) and I wasn't looking for a Thai man.

10- Do you get a lot of flack from others (whether within Thailand or elsewhere) about your being with a Thai man? Nope, but then my husband is an ex-professional Muay Thai fighter and a pretty good size guy, not too many people would be stupid enough to give us trouble.  And I don't usually take crapola from anybody, so, between the two of us, we have any idiot stupid enough to try anything pretty well covered 

Just answer the ones you are comfortable with! And feel free to add questions to the list.

  g

1- Where did you meet your guy? Koh samui - in a bar

2- Were you looking for/attracted to Thai guys when you came to Thailand? - Not initially.

3- Do you support him or make more money than he does, or is it the other way around? - When in thailand he made the most money, in England I am the higher earner.

4- Can you speak Thai? And can your man speak English? - I speak basic thai, he speaks, read & writes fluent english.

5- Has your man been to your country? How was it? - We now live in the UK & he loves it.

6- Do you find the stereotype of Thai men as promiscuous and violent to be true? - No. I know plenty of thai men who are good husbands/bf's, hard workers & non violent. I have said before that if a man treats you bad, you are the only one responsible for staying with him.

7- Is your current man the first Thai man you have been with? No, about number 7 & all but one great guys

8- What is the hardest thing about a Thai-Farang relationship in your opinion? - Cultural difference, languauge misunderstandings, family interference.

9- What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship? - Don't use the phrase "thai style" to excuse any bad behaviour, men are basically the same the world over & if you wouldn't accept a certain type of situation or disrespect from a man from your own country why would yolu do so with a thai man (or any other for that matter)

10- Do you get a lot of flack from others (whether within Thailand or elsewhere) about your being with a Thai man? - No, I make it quite clear to anyone who wants to know, that their opinion on my life is neither wanted or needed

Good questions girlx

Married to a Thai man

1- Where did you meet your guy? Manager of the Resort I came to stay at, the second time I came back we went out - Koh Samui.

2- Were you looking for/attracted to Thai guys when you came to Thailand? I wasn't in any way looking for a man at the time, Thai or otherwise. I did think some Thai guys are cute though.

3- Do you support him or make more money than he does, or is it the other way around? I don't work and he supports me at the moment, but it probably evens out when you add up how much each of us has contributed over the relationship.

4- Can you speak Thai? And can your man speak English? I can speak fairly good Thai, but not enough in my opinion. He speaks a lot of English, but hasn't got the patience to be correct about it and more wants to get his point across any way he can! Drives me crazy as I trained as a TEFL teacher.

5- Has your man been to your country? How was it? Been to the UK twice, loved it both times would be happy to live there if that's how things work out. Especially loved the trip to Anfield as he's a big Liverpool supporter and has a stack of holiday photos in a pocket of the car - 80% of which are taken at Liverpool!

6- Do you find the stereotype of Thai men as promiscuous and violent to be true? In my case no. I find a lot of the generalities about Thai people to be true, but I know my husband wouldn't hit me. He prefers to punch the wall if he gets really angry...! I have a feeling he had a few short term relationships before me (if you know what I mean) but he's not interested in bars or the girls there as he doesn't drink/is not a puffed up macho man. He's also quite unusual if you ask me, and I know quite a few Thai man who are promiscuous.

7- Is your current man the first Thai man you have been with? Yes

8- What is the hardest thing about a Thai-Farang relationship in your opinion? Again I would say the communication and also that that isn't a problem related to just Thai-Farang relationships. Also I find not being upfront to save face a problem.

9- What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship? Just enter it as if it's any kind of relationship, see if you can get along. I joke with people that my husband annoys me least out of anyone I've ever known, but seriously, we live together so well. I would also be careful about the money aspect. It's a minefield because there are so many mixed messages. People often misinterpret signals when it comes to money. Don't take too much cr*p - but that also goes for any relationship.

10- Do you get a lot of flack from others (whether within Thailand or elsewhere) about your being with a Thai man? We get stared at CONSTANTLY especially on the mainland, but I also look noticeably younger than him (which adds another aspect into the equation!). Nobody has ever said anything derogatory to me, I have heard some Thai men buying into the stereotypes and joking with my husband - an uncle once said to him infront of me "Oh, she can speak Thai - that means you won't be able to go off and have ladies on the side"/a Thai wife etc. But I don't have any worries with my husband so it really means nothing... just small minded talk.

ฺัBy the way SBK my husband was a Champ Thai Boxer too and thought he might know your husband. His fighting name when he was a Southern Champ was เทอดไท ศิษย์สวป Thoetthai Sitsorworbor S.W.B being police... Ask your husband if he fought with him/knows him.

He's from Surat originally (Tha Rong Chang, Ampur Phun Phin), but has been coming to/living on Samui for 25 years - now 42 y/o...

oh, i guess i can answer these as well!

1- Where did you meet your guy?

koh chang- i had a motorbike accident and he picked me up and took care of me

2- Were you looking for/attracted to Thai guys when you came to Thailand?

no- i had just gotten out of a long relationship and it was the last thing i wanted... took a long time before i gave in

3- Do you support him or make more money than he does, or is it the other way around?

i support him

4- Can you speak Thai? And can your man speak English?

i speak very basic thai but he speaks and reads pretty good english

5- Has your man been to your country? How was it?

no and we are pretty casual so probably not going to happen

6- Do you find the stereotype of Thai men as promiscuous and violent to be true?

promiscuous, definitely, though not my bf (as far as i know). violent, yes, some, but not as much as people think. my bf would never hit me because he knows i would go crazy on him.

7- Is your current man the first Thai man you have been with?

yes

8- What is the hardest thing about a Thai-Farang relationship in your opinion?

i am american and we are very straightforward. thais will evade any issue to save face. communication is our biggest problem. money is second (he goes to school but does not work because he figures i have it covered).

9- What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship?

don't listen to all the naysayers, but make sure to watch out for yourself

10- Do you get a lot of flack from others (whether within Thailand or elsewhere) about your being with a Thai man?

yes, constantly. my bf is from isaan. he is atypical in that he left isaan on his own early on and travelled all over thailand playing music. he is often mistaken for someone who left their village to become a gigolo, because that's what people think isaan men do. there is some element of truth in that since i am a farang, but i don't let him take advantage of me (let's just say we have a mutually exploitative relationship), and there is no transaction for sex involved at all.

ฺัBy the way SBK my husband was a Champ Thai Boxer too and thought he might know your husband.  His fighting name when he was a Southern Champ was เทอดไท ศิษย์สวป Thoetthai Sitsorworbor S.W.B being police... Ask your husband if he fought with him/knows him.

He's from Surat originally (Tha Rong Chang, Ampur Phun Phin), but has been coming to/living on Samui for 25 years - now 42 y/o...

Yes, my husband has heard of him, says he is quite famous in fact! My husband is 37 so wasn't boxing at the same time as he was, and I don't think he was quite in his league!

My husband was boxing mostly in Samui, mainly just for money to pay for school, your husband was a real professional.

1- Where did you meet your guy? My husband and I were both on holiday going to Samui, we met on the ferry as I was getting sea sick. He lived in Nakhon Si thammarat where I also live

2- Were you looking for/attracted to Thai guys when you came to Thailand? I was attracted to but not necessary looking for a thai boyfriend

3- Do you support him or make more money than he does, or is it the other way around? He makes more money than I do

4- Can you speak Thai? And can your man speak English? He speaks english and I speak Thai a little but getting better all the time

5- Has your man been to your country? How was it? We are planning to go next year

6- Do you find the stereotype of Thai men as promiscuous and violent to be true? No

7- Is your current man the first Thai man you have been with? no

8- What is the hardest thing about a Thai-Farang relationship in your opinion? Same as any relationships between a man and a woman, all sorts of misunderstandings, some language miscommunications and some cultural differences.

9- What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship? have the same standard you would have about a man back home.

10- Do you get a lot of flack from others (whether within Thailand or elsewhere) about your being with a Thai man? no, not at all, however he does since people think I have money and they think I am taking care of him, he hates that.

Edited October 5, 200520 yr by gisele

What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship? have the same standard you would have about a man back home.

hmmm good one. i agree but with the clause that you have to take into consideration cultural and economic differences.

p.s. am i the only one here who hasn't married a thai man?

Edited October 5, 200520 yr by girlx

I don't agree with that clause girlx, what has culture or economics got to do with how someone treats you?

they don't make a difference in how someone treats you, but if for instance your standards generally include a man who is very open and honest, you might be in for a surprise. or if you are after a man who will buy you a new diamond ring every year or something (not me) then you will probably not find someone able to do so in thailand.

ok, I took standard to mean manners & behaviour not trinket buying but I don't think you can generalise about open & honest either as it is an individual trait & not a cultural one IMO

it definitely is a cultural thing. asians in general are taught from birth the concept of "face" as being more important than anything. thais learn to say "yes" even if they mean "no", they are taught to lie rather than say something which will start a fight. it is rude in thai society to be too straightforward or confrontational. honesty is a secondary value. westerners doing business in thailand are taught this first thing. thus a western girl coming over here and expecting that she can be as direct and honest with a thai man as she would with a man at home (or vice versa) will run into many problems. there are exceptions to this rule of course, but they are exceptions. i am trying to say that a girl shouldn't come over with a set of unrealistic standards. she would have to be willing to adjust to cultural differences, try to be understanding and compromise, of course.

Edited October 5, 200520 yr by girlx

My husband is probably the most honest open man I know.

I think that being honest and open about feelings can be difficult for most men and even harder for Thai men because they come from a culture that discourages that. That said, my father-in-law pretty much says what he thinks so my husband had a good example.

I think that many men here will be dishonest, not necessarily to save face, but to make the other person feel better. the "honey does this make me look fat?" conundrum that men face in all cultures. I don't believe the culture teaches people to lie, but I do believe that people learn that sometimes honesty is not always the best policy "Yes darling, the dress makes you look huge" is not always the best answer.

And another thing, Thai people give each other signals we cannot read, so what we consider dishonest a Thai person may just as easily see as something else. I have always said, if someone gives you a BS answer to something that just means they don't have the heart to say "No" and a Thai person would realize that the BS answer means "No"

yeah i see what you mean but i would say the concept of honesty in thailand is diametrically opposed to that of the US.

so i would put your hubby into the category of an exception. the thais i know who grew up with the influence of foreigners in their life on a daily basis are significantly more open. possibly your husband's family would fall into that category (or another exceptional one). but the average thai man without outside influences does not fall into it.

same goes for economic status. some thai men have loads of money and can buy new diamond rings every month. but the average thai person is not well off at all and likely never will have the chance to be, so to put unrealistic expectations on them would be very damaging.

Edited October 5, 200520 yr by girlx

I kind of agree with you Girlx, but I wouldn't say that you should accept any cr*p under the guise that it part of their culture. I made it very clear to my husband what I would and wouldn't accept and he could see what I needed to survive here/with him - we've got this nearly right now after being married for a year and a half. That doesn't mean to say that I haven't changed a whole host of things when it comes to my behaviour, but on the whole I think women are good at adapting.

Edited October 5, 200520 yr by naomisri

SBK

He carried on boxing and lived in Lamphun for a long time where he boxed for another policeman. He even made a comeback in his thirties in Samui!

The downside is he still suffers a bit from injuries that he got fighting. He still teaches sometimes, but I think he gets frustrated that he can't do what he used to!

Does your husband still train?

I wouldn't say that you should accept any cr*p under the guise that it part of their culture

yeah... i let my bf know what i am and am not willing to accept and he has made big efforts to change some things in order for us to stay together. for instance he used to disappear for hours, even days, without calling me, to escape a conflict early on in the relationship. now i know where he is at all times, and he makes a bigger effort to talk things out before it escalates to a point at which he wants to run. i also make a bigger effort not to force an issue but to tease it out of him (NOT easy for me as i am very very direct to the point of being tactless, even for an american!)...

i do NOT intend to marry my bf (or anyone) or take him to my country though, because my standards are so american and i am only willing to compromise so far myself. we are not really in love, we are more partners, and like i said things are mutually beneficial. it is a great learning experience for both of us, and who knows, whenever i do return to farangland maybe i will find my standards have changed!

any other women with thai men on here?

Edited October 5, 200520 yr by girlx

and if a thai man (or women for that matter) starts a relationship with a westerner then they also have to compromise & adjust (see my first post about not using the phrase "thai style" to excuse bad behaviour)

I just don't agree that if your man is uncompromising or closed emotionally that you have to accept it just becuase he is thai.

As I said, I beleive it is an individual trait & not a cultural one & using the old face/culture differences to permit something your not happy with is just an excuse.

There are plenty of women with western partners unhappy because they don'tt share/talk enough/are too controlling/ dont show enough attention/too much etc (there are many complaints) what makes them so different to thai men? Nothing IMO.

If a women arrives in thailand & starts dating a thai men & doesn't take notice of all the usual signs of when a guy is an arse then she only has herself to blame if she stays with him just as if she excuses anything that makes her unhappy with the "thai style" tag without telling him she isn't happy. Who is to blame when he doesn't change?

I personally feel too much emphasis is put on thai culture & ways by westerners & not enough on the person.

Sorry, I just don't buy into the beleif that a population of 60m people are all exactly the same.

if your man is uncompromising or closed emotionally that you have to accept it just becuase he is thai

not my point at all... my point was that a western girl with western standards can not come over and expect a thai man with thai cultural traits to match those standards. there needs to be a bit of compromise on both sides for a successful relationship.

that was never in doubt but compromise is needed in all relationships, no?

i do NOT intend to marry my bf (or anyone) or take him to my country though, because my standards are so american and i am only willing to compromise so far myself.

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And there's nothing wrong with being in a causal relationship, weighing up what you put in and get out and working out whether it is worth it.

I personally met my husband and knew that I wouldn't find a man like him anywhere else in the world. I also think it's a personal thing to him, not cultural - but he is the most secure person I've ever met. When you see it in terms of the totality of the man - compared to men everywhere then you know you're doing alright.

That said I agree that face is a really pivotal issue in the Asian world, but still, I'm genralizing.

I just don't agree that if your man is uncompromising or closed emotionally that you have to accept it just becuase he is thai.

If a women arrives in thailand & starts dating a thai men & doesn't take notice of all the usual signs of when a guy is an arse then she only has herself to blame if she stays with him just as if she excuses anything that makes her unhappy with the "thai style" tag without telling him she isn't happy. Who is to blame when he doesn't change?

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I think we're all barking up the same tree

We don't take poor treatment.

We make it clear about what we want and expect a certain level of behaviour.

We appreciate what might be difficult for a man you're involved with to do - for example communicate their feelings - but don't accept/excuse due to culture.

We make effort ourselves to explore their culture, learn some of their language and fit in with their community.

God they're lucky

just to refresh your memory about the particular statement in question:

What advice would you give someone about to enter a Thai-Farang relationship? have the same standard you would have about a man back home.

of course compromise is necessary, so your standards will change. that's all i am saying. boo you don't appear to disagree but i guess we have proven that misunderstandings are not only cultural.

Edited October 5, 200520 yr by girlx

Actually, I am the only farang his family knows. I think his father is an exception, hence he is not the most popular man around, ask his opinion and he will give it.

That said, you can't walk into a relationship judging the person or their culture by your standards. I am not saying lower your standards but accept that this culture has difficulty with confrontation and strong emotions and ammend your attitude to this. I learned that it is easier to get my point across to my husband if I wait until after I am really angry. And to be honest, I think this works no matter where you live. Bitter words said in the heat of the moment cannot be taken back.

And no, I would not tolerate deception but then I wouldn't marry a man who deceived.

That said, you can't walk into a relationship judging the person or their culture by your standards. I am not saying lower your standards but accept that this culture has difficulty with confrontation and strong emotions and ammend your attitude to this.

yay! you said it better than i did. maybe the word "standards" is not a good one.

Naomisri, sorry, missed your post there. No, he no longer trains but he still has the nice muscular build. He plays volleyball when he gets the chance but gave up kicking coconut trees years ago

I am not saying lower your standards but accept that this culture has difficulty with confrontation and strong emotions and ammend your attitude to this. I learned that it is easier to get my point across to my husband if I wait until after I am really angry.

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I totally agree with this. It's hard at first to curb your temper , but speaking after the fact it is so much easier to actually get somewhere with the issue!

Hate fighting, love cuddles

it definitely is a cultural thing. asians in general are taught from birth the concept of "face" as being more important than anything. thais learn to say "yes" even if they mean "no", they are taught to lie rather than say something which will start a fight. it is rude in thai society to be too straightforward or confrontational. honesty is a secondary value. westerners doing business in thailand are taught this first thing. thus a western girl coming over here and expecting that she can be as direct and honest with a thai man as she would with a man at home (or vice versa) will run into many problems. there are exceptions to this rule of course, but they are exceptions. i am trying to say that a girl shouldn't come over with a set of unrealistic standards. she would have to be willing to adjust to cultural differences, try to be understanding and compromise, of course.

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yeah i see what you mean but i would say the concept of honesty in thailand is diametrically opposed to that of the US.

so i would put your hubby into the category of an exception. the thais i know who grew up with the influence of foreigners in their life on a daily basis are significantly more open. possibly your husband's family would fall into that category (or another exceptional one). but the average thai man without outside influences does not fall into it.

same goes for economic status. some thai men have loads of money and can buy new diamond rings every month. but the average thai person is not well off at all and likely never will have the chance to be, so to put unrealistic expectations on them would be very damaging.

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I think these statements are well stated and observed.

... Sorry, I just don't buy into the beleif that a population of 60m people are all exactly the same.

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Observing cultural similarities and differences is a fact of life, not a commentary on how everyone is a clone. In England or America, I am not going to jump the queue because this is perceived as rude, both by myself and other Westerners. However, in Asia it is a norm and perceived differently by the general public, although some exceptions will still have a problem with it. This is a generalization, supported by observation, anecedotal evidence, as well as sound cultural research and explanation.

Avoiding or denying differences does not eliminate its existence.

that was never in doubt but compromise is needed in all relationships, no?

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No doubt, and just as compromise varies from one relationship to another, it can also vary along with expectation according to culture, religion, and individuals. That said, different people have varying preferences or priorites when it comes to what they can compromise.

i do NOT intend to marry my bf (or anyone) or take him to my country though, because my standards are so american and i am only willing to compromise so far myself.

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...That said I agree that face is a really pivotal issue in the Asian world, but still, I'm genralizing.

Acutally, that is not a generalization, but a well-established fact. A generalization would be to say that all Asians hold face above all else, which we can't really say because we don't know what all Asians think individually, only as as an aggregate.

And by the way, I've dated Thai and S.E. Asian men, but have not committed to a relationship - back to varying compromises again. However, I want to make it clear that I think love is a powerful thing, and I am not in the slightest criticizing anyone else's compromises. If I wondered into love, I'd certainly make mine.

Avoiding or denying differences does not eliminate its existence.

I never said it did just that I don't agree with pigeonholing a whole population.

Queuing in the UK can hardly be compared to whether the whole population of Thai men are emotionally closed or dishonest. Queuing is a social manner not something we do behind closed doors & certainly not a personality trait.

I could make judgments on men from every country & what I think they would be like as a partner based on others observations & what are perceived to be traits of their nationality but I prefer to trust my own judgment when meeting people & form each relationship on an individual basis. That way I can judge them on their own merits & my own opinion instead of looking at everyone with preconceived ideas based on their nationality, religion or culture as not everyone (most IMO) fit the mold.

Well no, I'm not comparing queuing to whether or not all Thai men are closed or dishonest, just simply stating that there are "social manners". In Asia, and specifically Thailand, saving face and indirect responses, and yes, at times lying, is a social manner.

Does that mean you pigeonhole everyone you meet ..... no. People exist both within cultures and apart as individuals - or so we Westerners thinkl; not all cultures thing this way. Again, so much of our thinking about others is formed by culture, even thoughts that are too close to examine.

You seem defensive, but maybe I'm wrong. I am mixed culture and mixed race, but look white. Trust me, I know that all things are not what they seem, and not all people fit into neat, convienent categories. By all means, you should be trusting your judgement above all.

I'm just not willing to whitewash everything to make it easier to think or talk about.

Not defensive Kat but you replied to my comments so I replied to yours!

The point of this thread was relationships & IMO all my points are valid.

Don't judge a person by the stereotype, don't accept bad behaviour just because of religion, culture or nationality & compromise where u are willing, I can't see a problem with them?

I seem to have missed the part where I said everyone was perfect, but if you think i'm whitewashing thats fine. I just prefer my world & am a lot happier in it for being more willing to take people at face value & judging indivually than using the old generalisations.