Before you offer stupid or joking comments, please don't. If any Thai women can offer their advice to me, I would appreciate it.

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I met my Thai girlfriend last summer after talking on Skype for months.

Just a few days after I came to Thailand, she was already talking about marriage, and I met her parents.

We ended up tying the string, and I gave her parents some engagement money, but not all of it.

Fast forward, and I was living in Thailand for many months. I wanted my parents to meet her before I told them I was engaged.

She took this, and some of my rather stupid comments about people/etc in Thailand, to mean that my family wouldn't accept her, and that I wasn't proud of her, and that I was drifting away.

Admittedly, we did have communication challenges, but I promised her many times I wasn't leaving, and I would always take care of her.

We got through quite a few fights, and were living together for many months. Eventually I went back to my home country to take a new job.

Been back for a few months now. Been working like crazy, tired, and sometimes grumpy when talking with her, as I've been stressed about the future.

Anyway, apparently she took this as me drifting away again, since I couldn't tell her an exact day we should marry.

Come to find out she is now hanging out (no sex...) with a new falang who is "the nicest guy ever" and she says they are talking about marriage already (only 2 weeks from meeting him).

Let me also mention my girl has had an extremely difficult life, as many Thai women, and she lives with the fear everyday that people will judge her from the disease she acquired after being raped.

I was very angry at first, as I felt she was cheating on me... apparently she saw it as letting me down slowly, since she thought I wasn't interested anymore anyway.

The angry phone calls phased out, and now she continues chatting with my on Skype and answering my phone calls every day. She pokes me on Facebook daily, for Christ's sake.

I asked her to marry me over the phone, said I was desperate, and she wasn't giving me a chance to prepare my surprise visit in July.

She has gone back and forth between joy at hearing me ask this, to cussing at me for talking gossip about people she knows, and she goes back and forth constantly.

Now I'm trying to plan a hurried trip to visit her and set things right, and whip out a ring, which she suspects already.

Can women, Thai women, any women, really move on this fast? She says I've hurt her greatly with my judging and critical comments about things, and I know its true.

But this is the most forgiving, sweetest girl I've met, who seeks to please "everyone" which always leads to problems, obviously.

Does she simply want me to take matters into my own hands and show up with a ring and show how desperate I am, or is she really on the fence about two men out of nowhere?

Did I hurt her so much after the past few months, even as she sent me loving emails, that she truly wants to forget about me?

Please note: I have never cheated on her, said anything crazy, just got angry many times from her lack of communication... I told her one day that her love, without communication, feels fake at times, because I need her to communicate with me more clearly...

Are Thai women really this fickle? Are they capable of being in love with "the one" or is any "nice" falang good enough for them, even the girls with strong morals and caring hearts (like her...)

She has tentatively agreed to meet me if I fly to visit her, but she keeps warning me that she doesn't know if she will say yes or no, etc... ???

THANKS

Edited June 3, 201115 yr by craner

her behavior is not acceptable and it is not your fault. you can do better.

her behavior is not acceptable and it is not your fault. you can do better.

Thank you for your input. I have said many things in the past few months that could have lead her to think I didn't care anymore:

- "phone calls are expensive"

- "if you really can't wait for me, you can find another nice guy if you want"

- "maybe we should just be friends for a while if you are so impatient or difficult communicating"

Anyway, I said many bad and confusing things. I understand why she was or is hurting from this, or might be very confused.

What I can't undestand is why she didn't tell me at some point that she is not in love with me anymore, or that she has found a new guy.

She simply tried to hide it and when I finally found out, then she said "didn't we already break up weeks ago and we are just friends?"... (while her online status all said "In A Relationship" of course...)

I feel like an asshol_e who confused the hell out of this sweet girl, but at the same time I am so pissed she wasn't more clear about her intentions and/or confusion until I called her out...

She seems to be keeping 2 options handy... 2 guys handy, and is enjoying the extra attention and ensuing battle.

I don't know which of her words are honest or not. She said she wants to marry this guy, and she also told me "yes yes!! to your question about marriage if you ask me now!!" on the phone...

<deleted> guys? More input please asap before I throw my life away either direction...

I love her more than anything and I know she still loves me. I think she is acting like this partly from pain, partly from not knowing what she wants, partly from saving face, and partly her being a very sensitive and impatient girl...

Edited June 3, 201115 yr by craner

the truth comes out. your behavior is not acceptable and is not her fault. she deserves better.

Thanks for the input, time to put to rest.

I have said many things in the past few months that could have lead her to think I didn't care anymore:

- "phone calls are expensive"

- "if you really can't wait for me, you can find another nice guy if you want"

- "maybe we should just be friends for a while if you are so impatient or difficult communicating"

Gotta admit, most women will take this to mean its time to find someone else.

I have said many things in the past few months that could have lead her to think I didn't care anymore:

- "phone calls are expensive"

- "if you really can't wait for me, you can find another nice guy if you want"

- "maybe we should just be friends for a while if you are so impatient or difficult communicating"

Gotta admit, most women will take this to mean its time to find someone else.

it's(was) not love.

come.... and choose a good mother for your babies

ok here is my thought as a Thai women.from wat i read You both are not ready to married the reason is lacking of clear communication skill from u or maybe her. (u might u able to solve the problem about it now but later on when u married it will be more complicated to do)

-to married and to live together communication is the most important. (not just sex and the sexy body)

-The feeling u r in now it deeply crazy about love let say it is still "in the promotion time" , just take more time to find the real package.

-You Both are not stable in the relationship. ( changing mind way too quick and often, based on from wat i read)

donno if it help, didnt mean to offence anyone, im just being honest.

cheers :jap:

I have said many things in the past few months that could have lead her to think I didn't care anymore:

- "phone calls are expensive"

- "if you really can't wait for me, you can find another nice guy if you want"

- "maybe we should just be friends for a while if you are so impatient or difficult communicating"

Gotta admit, most women will take this to mean its time to find someone else.

Most men would too ....

I know that in Thailand people make some strange decisions ---- like choosing a partner that they cannot communicate with, but really ...... It takes leaning (really learning) a whole new culture, probably a new language, and finally being willing to find areas of compromise to make inter-cultural relationships work. This is gonna sound rough, but I really do believe it ..... If you have to ask on an internet forum about a partner that nobody on that forum has met ... You have already lost. There simply isn't enough there to make it work.

So after a few days in Thailand, you were handing over engagement money, and your previous contact up until that point had all been over the internet?

I don't know, i just find it hard to fathom why anybody would be making a life-long decision like that. I mean, would you have done this were she a native to your home country? "No", surely. And that would be a girl who you could completely understand... a girl whose customs and traditions were the same as yours. This girl isn't. She might as well be from a different planet.

Sorry if it sounds like a lecture. Just think you and any other foreign girl or guy who comes to Thailand looking for love needs to seriously think about JD's advice. Learn the language is the first step.

So after a few days in Thailand, you were handing over engagement money, and your previous contact up until that point had all been over the internet?

I don't know, i just find it hard to fathom why anybody would be making a life-long decision like that. I mean, would you have done this were she a native to your home country? "No", surely. And that would be a girl who you could completely understand... a girl whose customs and traditions were the same as yours. This girl isn't. She might as well be from a different planet.

Sorry if it sounds like a lecture. Just think you and any other foreign girl or guy who comes to Thailand looking for love needs to seriously think about JD's advice. Learn the language is the first step.

Communication is vital --- but I would say learning the culture is the first step (My BF was fluent in English when I met him --- communication wasn't the issue --- communication* was! In other words we could talk to each other in depth about anything but I was missing a frame of reference (he was too, to a lesser extent)

If your partner doesn't know a language (fluently) in common with you .. then the obvious solution to communication -- (both literal -- and cross-cultural communication) is to learn Thai.

(sorry if that comes off as pedantic Rix ---!!)

Communication is vital --- but I would say learning the culture is the first step (My BF was fluent in English when I met him --- communication wasn't the issue --- communication* was! In other words we could talk to each other in depth about anything but I was missing a frame of reference (he was too, to a lesser extent)

If your partner doesn't know a language (fluently) in common with you .. then the obvious solution to communication -- (both literal -- and cross-cultural communication) is to learn Thai.

(sorry if that comes off as pedantic Rix ---!!)

Understand what you are saying mate. For me though, learning the language was the real break through in understanding the culture - kind of comes hand in hand, particularly when you happen to be living and working in the country.

"to married and to live together communication is the most important"

critical point! swallow your pride sometimes and give her the power- and the last word. then listen to that word! learn to shut your mouth when you are going to say something that will hurt. my gal is from a different culture than yours and she is always very quiet when we disagree. i used to hate this but a good friend pointed out how my ex (different culture than me, my current wife or my ex- or your gf) used to say nasty, mean things when we argued and those never go away. think about what you might say- words have consequences.

not all communication traits are cultural but many are. some issues with communication style might come from your family life or previous relationships or peers. jot some of these things on paper in a cause/effect manner both as it pertains to you and her. surely some people will scoff at this- but none that have done it. you can learn a lot about how you perceive communication and power dynamics in your relationship by looking at your specific methods. when do you shout? clam up? threaten? bully/badger? how do you do these things?

just as a writer employs a literary device to create emotion, you do the same in your conversation. but if you don't know when, how, and to what end you use tools of communication you can't change it. and you will never have a good relationship until you have two emotionally healthy people communicating well.

i get 1 baht for advice like this. you can owe me.

"swallow your pride sometimes and give her the power- and the last word. then listen to that word! learn to shut your mouth when you are going to say something that will hurt."

This is the lesson most important for me to learn I think, at least with a Thai girlfriend. Even I didn't mean those things I said, I was simply grumpy or tired, or just say those things because I think she loved me enough to never do that, kind of like joking you know? I never imagined she was hurting so much from these few sentences I said, and I never knew she was secretly looking for a new guy.

@monkeyface, you are correct, part of the reason I'm saying angry things to her is because I was very hurt from my last relationship. It is horrible timing for me meeting this beautiful girl, as there was still a lot of pain inside me that I hadn't healed from yet.

I've been preparing my money and my life these past months for marriage and taking care of her disease. Yes, I am desperate, that's why posting on this forum. Not many people can understand this situation, but maybe some people from Thailand can understand it a little bit.

In fact she is fluent in English, very much so. So I was always frustrated because I knew that she can talk more if she wanted, but often just remained silent and I don't know what she is thinking. I know she told me sometimes "be careful with your words, you can't take it back" but like all humans, she also said things that she didn't mean sometimes.

It feels like a very unfair and painful situation now. She confirmed again that she doesn't want to see me again, after I already went shopping for the ring and plane ticket.

I always questioned how much she actually loved me for me (my character) and she always said how much she did. But now I see that I've done everything I can do to earn her back (send gifts, call 1000 times, apologize 1000 times, ask her to marry me, offer to live in thailand forever with her...) and she still won't accept it... I still love her so much because I know she is insecure and just wants a happy comfortable life from her painful past but her brain already told her to move on from me.

Thanks everyone... I will try to be a better man in the future.

Just because things didn't work out does not make you a bad person

All the best. Take your time, don't rush into things. You may feel like she is the only one you will ever want, but you will meet someone at some point.

Cheers

At first i wanted to give you a firm kick up the ass, but that never works when giving advice. Well as i found out in the past. The only reason is because you sound just like me. Well not so much now because i have seen where i have gone wrong in other relationships. Falang women, not Thai.

This paragraph stod out the most.

This is the lesson most important for me to learn I think, at least with a Thai girlfriend. Even I didn't mean those things I said, I was simply grumpy or tired, or just say those things because I think she loved me enough to never do that, kind of like joking you know? I never imagined she was hurting so much from these few sentences I said, and I never knew she was secretly looking for a new guy.

I used to do the same thing. Basically say something hurtfull and say you didn't mean it or you were joking. Be honist with yourself and admit you knew what you were saying. You are pissed off and want to hurt the person or aren't getting the attention you want from her. Kids do the same thing. They be naughty to get attention. Even a smack or shouting at them is still attention, which they crave. This is a similar craving you want from your girlfriend. Not calling you a kid, just trying to make you understand.

In your last sentance in that paragraph you say you didn't realise she was looking for another man. Do you think she is going to wait around for someone who is going to make her sad. Falang or Thai, they will not.

I think you need to sort your own issues out before getting into another relationship. Your obviously still hurting from the previous one.

I might be wrong but you love the frill of the chase she is giving you.

By the sound of your last post, you are smothering her. Good job you are not doing this to someone in the uk, you probably would have a court order against you by now. I mean come on, ringing a 1000 times, gifts ect. Theres what you say as desperate and theres crazy / scary.

Sorry if you don't like what i have written but its true and the truth hurts. I'm not trying to be smart or a dick to you, just trying to give you advice.

Good luck whatever you do next.

"She seems to be keeping 2 options handy... 2 guys handy, and is enjoying the extra attention and ensuing battle."

(quote thingy not working)-- she is being a woman. nothing to do with being thai or any other nationality. and frankly, i would re read youir own posts and underline all the dry facts taken out from the emotional stuff surrounding them...

subsitute the word australian, or mexican or american in there for thai-- if u read this in a dear abby in the newspaper what would yur reaction be?

the only possibly thai thing about this "does she love me or not"? post is the failure to communicate deep feelings or thoughts. i think western wwomen do verbalize their thoughts and feelings better then a large amount of thais. that may be a cultural thing. as many of us have pointed out about our thai husbands and their not realy wanting to verbalize their deep worries, feelings etc..

as far as her 'disease' -- and her rape-- the fact that most thais dont go to therapy for anything means that whatever happened to her is still very much with her; and she probably doesnt have the psychological 'equipment' for dealing with trauma and certainly thais arent big on discussing these very personal and intimate problems in full, not to mention 'work them out'...

u seem to have a bit of the 'knight/white horse' syndrome. and she has the 'teenager- 'im in love with two guys who should i pick cause i dont want to be left alone at night' syndrome. reminds me of my oldest daughter keeping one guy on the back fire, just in case, while waiting for th other guy to commit....

bina

Patsy has at least four walls where she can bang her head, or i could flush my whole body down the toilet.

See a parallel here? If you need to set out your problem here, or a place such as this, then the answer should be self evident.

If a store doesn't stock an article that I want to buy, I go to another store.