Essential Tips For The Newbie

[The Gentleman Scamp]

I dedicate the following to Canadian Jesse and others like him.

These are some of my own tips which I have learnd over the years and if I knew then what I know now then much time, hassle and money could have been saved.

AIRPORT

A first trip to Thailand can fill the first time traveler with unnescessary paranoia, and though it is always wise to be cautious, remember that every single day, a huge volume of tourists enter the kingdom and horror stories such as drugs planted in bags are very rare indeed.

Take a look at a couple of days before you depart for any enquiries.

Look respectable and be polite when showing your passport and once outside, don't be intimidated by the barrage of taxi touts and if you must take one, get one with a meter - though I wish you luck in this department and personally advise you to take the bus which is roomy, cool and considerably cheaper - you will also be sharing it with others like yourself.

BAGGAGE

Travel as light as possible for you will aquire more than you will wish to jettison.

Before you leave, remember that besides some of your own countries domestic food products, you can buy everything you need over here.

DRUGS & TOILETRIES

The only drugs you will require, assuming you are not on medication for any malady, are the following:

Norfloxin: This is the healthier alternative to Immodium and you will need this for the first few days while your guts get used to the climate and new food.

I also recommend you take one prior to a long bus journey.

Paracetomol: For obvious reasons.

Antihistimine: A drowsy antihistimine such as Atarax is almost as good as valium for helping you sleep as well as preventing itchiness.

Vitamin C: One a day keeps the lurgee at bay.

Prickly Heat Powder: This is something I am never without. This 'cooling' talcum powder is refreshing and can cure sweat rash and discomfort prior to passing faeces.

WATER

Don't drink the tap water and drink lots and lots of the bottled water taking care in rural Thailand to ensure there is a seal to break.

FOOD

As with everything in Thailand, there's something for everyone, however those with a fussy or weak stomach should not venture off the beaten track.

Your faeces will tell you if you are eating right or not.

BIRD FLU

Don't touch any dead birds.

MALERIA & MARMITE

Don't waste money on expensive maleria tablets, should you ever get it then they give you the same tablets to cure it. Cases of maleria are rare.

If you have Marmite back home, take a jar and suck a fingertip in the morning and most importantly before you go to bed as I can personally vouch that mozzies hate it and will detect it in your skin.

It is less effective during daytime so buy mozzie repellent when you get here or pay six times the price for it before leaving home.

TRUST

Don't trust anyone unless you are a good judge of character... If not, get somebody you trust to judge their intentions. There are good and bad Thai's and backpackers as there are all humans globally.

MANNERS

A 'wai' is that palms together bowing motion you do to show that your polite and is best used to anyone who appears to be older than yourself, unless they are policemen who have accosted you - then just do it anyway.

The Thai word for 'thankyou' is perhaps the most stupid sounding of the lot and the most difficult to pronounce fluidly, so just wai and say "thankyou" and you won't look like a tosser.

If you want to learn the language, start with 'how much' which is 'Tau Rie Khrap' (m) 'Ka' (f).

Don't lose your temper if you can't be understood and your bus is about to leave and you had no sleep and are hungover etc... You will look like a tosser.

At all times, try and be a good ambassador for your country, especially if you are English or American.

Consult for further info on this.

WOMEN

Chnaces are if you are a single bloke you will encounter the barscene. If you are a nice guy who just has the horn and wants a companion then follow the last paragraph I typed and try to show a genuine interest, especially if you wanted to be treated with any respect and not given the usual bargirl script.

They couldn't give a shit where you are from or what your name is but most of them will take it into account if you are a good bloke, though they still have a job to do so make sure financial matters are discussed before leaving the bar.

There are plenty of decent Thai women out there but unless they are girls on the party scene then it would be simply unfair to start a relationship only to break it off when you move on.

There are plenty of western women about who may be a bit more of a challenge but the rewards can be anything up to a sleeping birth companion on the night train to Surat Thani to a friend for life, not to mention the fact that she'll get the beers in when it's her round.

SEX

If you don't have any condoms you will have to rely on a combination of self discipline and common sense, though with any luck your companion will have done that for you should you be too intoxicated to care.

MEN

Western girls are generally quite savvy and don't need my advice, though on the subject of Thai men, be aware that they can be just as posessive and jealous as Thai girls can be.

Guys, try to imagine how Thai men view us and keep that in mind. They don't tend to show any jealousy or animosity toward us but that does not mean it doesn't exist.

LADYBOYS

Be aware of height, skeleton, shoulder width, forwardness, vocal tone and campness... A penis is also a dead givaway.

SAFTY DEPOSIT BOX

Always use one of these for your valubles, especially if sharing your room with a stranger.

If you forget then use the time they are in the shower to hide your cash in the Marmite jar, if you're with a Thai girl then trust me - they won't look in there while your asleep.

Don't leave valubles in your room if you are in budget acommodation - that's anything under bt800 a night.

STORIES

Stories are one persons opinion passed on.

If you have heard something that worries you, ask for guidance.

ILLIGAL DRUGS

If you simply can't live without a puff, do your homework first, I'm not a pothead so I can't advise you on the risks. If you want to try anything else you are very brave and probably too stupid to read that book by Warren Fellows.

DOMESTIC TRAVEL

If the option is there - take the train and not the bus if it's a long journey and you won't regret it.

SHOPPING

In a situation where haggling is possible, always decide the maximum price you would be willing to pay in your own currency, do the math and stand your ground politely.

Most things are available in Thailand and many things are copied... If there's something you need but can't get hold of, why not contact for advice?

TOILETS

Outside of Bangkok they can be horrible and have faeces in them.

Bum guns (You'll know what I mean) are safe and hygenic but when on the move always have tissue and talc handy.

NEVER pay to use the toilet - find a tree or something and give the propietor a dirty look, for they really are milking you for every last baht which is quite frankly taking liberties and I won't stand for it.

AT ALL TIMES

Carry your passport or copy of and change les that bt1,000 - oh, and make sure you have bt500 for your departure tax upon leaving.

FUN

Have lots of it while you still can.

REMEMBER

Most of what you dislike about Thailand will have been inherited or copied from us.

Good luck!

The Gentleman Scamp

Edited November 15, 2005 by The Gentleman Scamp

[GuestHouse]

Do as I say, not as I do.

[BambinA]

AIRPORT

- taxi .. better catch a taxi at the upstair (2nd or3th floor ) , at the Departure Zone 's door .. no queing nor 50 bht charge

[gburns57au]

<snip> No need to quote the whole da.mn thing Burns! < RDN

Some good advice from Scamps....

Edited November 15, 2005 by RDN

[Boon Mee]

Well, don't believe Scampy's gonna put Stick out of business with the aforementioned - but it's good!

"NEVER pay to use the toilet - find a tree or something and give the propietor a dirty look, for they really are milking you for every last baht which is quite frankly taking liberties and I won't stand for it."

The mental picture of Scampy standing outside MBK or Pantip Plaza etc with his willy in hand looking for a tree to piss on....!

[johnh101]

Well, don't believe Scampy's gonna put Stick out of business with the aforementioned - but it's good!

"NEVER pay to use the toilet - find a tree or something and give the propietor a dirty look, for they really are milking you for every last baht which is quite frankly taking liberties and I won't stand for it."

The mental picture of Scampy standing outside MBK or Pantip Plaza etc with his willy in hand looking for a tree to piss on....!    

I can just imagine him trying this one in Soi 7 or 8 in pattaya, see how long he'd last !

[skylar]

All in all, pretty good advice Scamperoo... I'd just like to add that people in Thailand are much more responsible for their social and physical wellbeing than in Western countries... so if you do like your tipple or your ยา, illegal or not, and enjoy riding on motorbikes with no safety gear and no helmet don't expect anyone to peel you off the floor when you need the hospital... know your limits. Of course I am not aiming this advice at addicts, it's just that I've seen way too many vomiting backpackers in Kanchanaburi to refrain from commenting.

Also, a really good way to spot a kathoey is by looking at the feet. Miss World Kathoey at the Sydney Loy Krathong Festival had got big flat ones

AIRPORT

- taxi .. better catch a taxi at the upstair (2nd or3th floor  ) , at the Departure Zone 's door .. no queing nor 50 bht charge

I mentioned this tip and got a verbal hiding from another TV member for mentioning it. Sure, I defended myself, but how come he hasn't picked on you yet?

[BambinA]

LOO

for guys only.. when you wee wee .. learn how to control your wee-THING , and dont be surprise when somebody massage your back/neck

( found that kind of loo in night life place, methings)

[britmaveric]

Scampy- Good advice - nice to see smth useful from you again lad!!!

[lomatopo]

Paracetamol was a new one for me. For those unfamiliar, it is the same as acetominophen, sold everywhere here in Thailand as Tylenol, typically in little sealed packs of 10 - 500 mg capsules.

A lot of travelers recommend Purell or a similar hand sanitzer (popular during the SARS outbreak a few years ago), although I've never used so cannot vouch for its effectiveness.

Edited November 15, 2005 by lomatopo

[toastwars]

very good advice scamp, the only thing i would mention is that the incedence of milaria is vey low in most of Thailand and many anti-milarial drugs have some pretty unpleasant side effects. Worst case scenario is severe depresion and suicide. I personally would rather have milaria than be dead so if you have any depresive problems or any family history of such steer well clear of anti milarials.

[Tywais]

AIRPORT

- taxi .. better catch a taxi at the upstair (2nd or3th floor  ) , at the Departure Zone 's door .. no queing nor 50 bht charge

I mentioned this tip and got a verbal hiding from another TV member for mentioning it. Sure, I defended myself, but how come he hasn't picked on you yet?

Don't understand why. Pretty common knowledge with long stayers.

[bkkmadness]

When your on a short holiday in Thailand, do not spend your time in an internet cafe on a forum but go out and get pissed or laid or something.

[The Gentleman Scamp]

Of course I could have elaborated on all subjects but as we can see, everyone has their own additional input to add, I couldn't make the post too long.

It did occur to me to sugest this topic be 'pinned' but do we want to attract backpackers? Probably not, but a thread like this is good reading for anyone about to depart.

What became of Jesse anyway?

Regarding Stickman: I'm not trying to give him a run for his money at all, and trust me - he sees everything round these here parts.

riding on motorbikes with no safety gear and no helmet don't expect anyone to peel you off the floor when you need the hospital...

Good point I overlooked there.

The mental picture of Scampy standing outside MBK or Pantip Plaza etc with his willy in hand looking for a tree to piss on....!

MBK, two baht, that's ok because it's the same for the Thais and it goes toward maintanence and cleaner salary.

I'm talking about when you're at one of those open plan shophuses where you get the ferry ticket to Ko Chang and an old lady hollers at you something about 5 baht as you walk toward the sign that says TIOLET.

Very rarely would I show disrespect to an oldie but in this instance I turned on my heel and left the shop without acknowledging her, I was too exhausted.

So I found a nearby tree and proceeded to urinate for free as nature intended me to do.

[bkkmadness]

It did occur to me to sugest this topic be 'pinned' but do we want to attract backpackers?

further advice:

Don't get disgruntled with your fellow tourists just because they have a backpack and you are sitting some farmgirl on your knee in a bar in sukhumvit, you're not special and you're not clever.

[bkkmadness]

MALERIA & MARMITE

Don't waste money on expensive maleria tablets, should you ever get it then they give you the same tablets to cure it. Cases of maleria are rare.

If you have Marmite back home, take a jar and suck a fingertip in the morning and most importantly before you go to bed as I can personally vouch that mozzies hate it and will detect it in your skin.

It is less effective during daytime so buy mozzie repellent when you get here or pay six times the price for it before leaving home.

Shower before you sleep, mozzies are attracted to that sweaty body otherwise. If you are sleeping with a companion, try to make sure they don't shower before they sleep to help draw the mozzies away from you.

[lamphun]

At all times, try and be a good ambassador for your country, especially if you are English or American. 

Consult for further info on this.

A fine sense of irony, but what why does he lump Americans in with the worst mannered tourists.

[Thaipwriter]

Housing

rent or rent or rent or rent or rent, any of these is ok.

maybe buy a condo. remember location, location, location. dont expect to get your money back if you ever decide to sell. Thai's want new, only new.

[bkkmadness]

1. A surfboard full of Es is not a good way to make some quick cash on your flight out here.

2. Avoid groups of people calling each other by strange nicknames and discussing 'moderation issues' in bars such as Larrys Dive.

3. Prostitution is illegal in Thailand but if you find a rich old woman old whos willing to chuck you a bit of money for some young farang thrusting action remember, using the tongue first will often get you a good tip later.

4. Don't drink out of shoes.

[bkkmadness]

At all times, try and be a good ambassador for your country, especially if you are English or American. 

Consult for further info on this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A fine sense of irony, but what why does he lump Americans in with the worst mannered tourists.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

When meeting Americans whilst travelling, do remember to insult them for being ill mannered, fat and stupid, we know its not true, but it does pass the time on a long journey.

[The Gentleman Scamp]

At all times, try and be a good ambassador for your country, especially if you are English or American. 

Consult for further info on this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A fine sense of irony, but what why does he lump Americans in with the worst mannered tourists.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Did I not also say English?

And where did I say 'worst manered' ???

The English, I'll be the first to admit, are awful tourists - not all I should add.

Americans have a reputation just for being easy money and for judging people from what they read on an internet forum as if it made up the greater mass of their actual first hand persona.

[mrbojangles]

"NEVER pay to use the toilet - find a tree or something and give the propietor a dirty look, for they really are milking you for every last baht which is quite frankly taking liberties and I won't stand for it."

The mental picture of Scampy standing outside MBK or Pantip Plaza etc with his willy in hand looking for a tree to piss on....!    

I can just imagine him trying this one in Soi 7 or 8 in pattaya, see how long he'd last !

He doesn't even bother to do that anymore. He just wakes up in the morning with a Damp Patch in his trousers Then tries to blame it on a leaking roof

Edited November 15, 2005 by mrbojangles

[The Gentleman Scamp]

Penny not dropped Mr Bo?

I control the amount of mickey take I recieve and you've missed the boat on that one my friend.

Edited November 15, 2005 by The Gentleman Scamp

[mrbojangles]

I control the amount of mickey take I recieve

How do you do that then, Scamps?

Is it just hitting the ignore button

P.S. It is a good beginners list BTW

Edited November 15, 2005 by mrbojangles

[The Gentleman Scamp]

P.S. It is a good beginners list BTW 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thankyou.

[jrincon17]

Well, don't believe Scampy's gonna put Stick out of business with the aforementioned - but it's good!

"NEVER pay to use the toilet - find a tree or something and give the propietor a dirty look, for they really are milking you for every last baht which is quite frankly taking liberties and I won't stand for it."

The mental picture of Scampy standing outside MBK or Pantip Plaza etc with his willy in hand looking for a tree to piss on....!    

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

BIRD FLU

Don't touch any dead birds.

OR ANY WITH A HIGH FEVER !

[Duality]

this is to scamp, you wouldn't be scottish or welsh perhaps?

by the way where do the best tourist come from ? naming the worst is just too easy to do!

[RDN]

At all times, try and be a good ambassador for your country, especially if you are English or American. 

Consult for further info on this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A fine sense of irony, but what why does he lump Americans in with the worst mannered tourists.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Did I not also say English?

And where did I say 'worst manered' ???

The English, I'll be the first to admit, are awful tourists - not all I should add.

Americans have a reputation just for being easy money and for judging people from what they read on an internet forum as if it made up the greater mass of their actual first hand persona.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yanks! So touchy....

[RDN]

...A drowsy antihistimine such as Atarax is almost as good as valium for helping you sleep ...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

...and you'll wake up ready to slit the throat of anyone who upsets you. DON'T TOUCH IT!!!

If you have Marmite back home, take a jar and suck a fingertip in the morning and most importantly before you go to bed as I can personally vouch that mozzies hate it and will detect it in your skin.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Almost compensates for the Atarax recommendation, but not quite!

Edited November 15, 2005 by RDN

[The Gentleman Scamp]

this is to scamp, you wouldn't be scottish or welsh perhaps?

English - but one of the good'uns.

...and you'll wake up ready to slit the throat of anyone who upsets you. DON'T TOUCH IT!!! 

Speak for yourself RD', I'm meek as a lamb on it mate, it's WITHOUT it that on a bad day with lack of sleep I'm ready to bite somebody's adam's apple out.