Thai Funerals, Bizzarre !

[scorpio]

just spent the ( i think the worst week) of my life in thailand , no honestly if you ever have to witness one of the wifes relatives pass away then be warned . my wifes father passed away ( god bless him ) about a week ago , we were in uk when she got the call to say her father was dying and he wanted to see her before he goes, we do not have a lot of money but i booked her and my daughter a flight to thailand, meanwhile im in work in holland but wife phones me and tells me she needs me there with her so i tell my boss and i book a ticket also and join her in thailand. anyway , the old boy is in the house on a bed and he is dying but he holds on for about 10 days since we arrive, throughout this time the extended family are all gathered around him and considering our house in the villiage is right next to his i didnt get sleeping throughout this time as people we coming and going all hours of the night , the sound of motorbikes coming and going along with the chickens waking you up at 2.30 am ( enough to drive you nuts ) so he did eventually pass away and family had a massive party with free boxes of lao kaow whiskey, a pig, loads of beef and all kinds of other food, our house was invaded throughout another 3 days by extended family and undesirable cling ons. lots of drunks turning up asking me for money and pissing in my garden , young gangs of guys and girls outside my door people were playing cards and hi lo all over the place , there was like 4-5 different groups all huddled in different places in my garden all night ( even groups of kids ) the police turned up around 2am pulled car up and one guy went and handed them money , this was for the gambling. around 20-30 kids in my house all day and night climbing over my sofa,s and watching dvd,s and generally mucking my house up. so 2 fulll days of partying and gambling and heavy drinking day and night ( me too, i couldnt do anything else but drink myself into oblivion ) then on the 3rd night the family has a massive movie screen right outside my door, the movies start at 6pm and goes on untill about 4-5am, the noise and blast form the speakers nearly put me into an early grave i honestly thought my roof was going to come down !!!! then next morning the extended family are all heading home to various parts of the country brother going to song ka, sister going to samui etc so they needed money ( yeah from my wife and me ) for bus fares and food etc, i couldnt begrudge my wife from giving them this money after all what she had been through and didnt want to give her any more grief but if i had my way i would of told them to p*** off !! forgot to mention that the head monk who came to the house was sitting eating and people giving him food etc then the next thing he takes a packet of marlboro out and lightsd one up <deleted> !! i didnt know monks smoked ? i was sitting watching him expecting him to pop open a bottle of lao kaow anyway that about sums the whole thing up ( 2 weeks of hell ) by the way after the funeral my wifes huddled together with all her sisters and brothers and approaches me and asks me for 50.000 baht now i do draw a line at generosity ( or being a buffalo ) but she assures me she will repay me this money when the insuance guy pays out in a couple of days, i made sure that this money was given back to me which it was , her father had got insurance to the sum of 100,000 baht but for you,s who may go through this be warned that your wifes parents might not have insurance so if your in a marriage and the elderly parents are going to die in the next couple of years it is worth telling the wife to pay a little every month for insurance for them so you dont have to fork out when the time comes. so thats it. i,ll be happy to get back to some kind of normality now and probably will never be as glad to see suwamaphumi airport in my life

Edited November 22, 2011 by scorpio

[Orac]

I am sorry to hear of your wifes loss - it must have been a very difficult time for her.

[tekinsabana]

he showed you the hell before your death i think.long live to your wife's family

[nocturn]

sounds like you allowed this to happen.

[Misplaced]

Ah huh! exaggerated truth I'm sure.

[elwood]

Well it's a Thai funeral, hardly going to be like a western one. Having such things as film screens or singers/dancers is a Thai thing.

I have attended many funerals of family and friends over the past 20 years and have never experienced such huge amounts of bad behaviour - sure there are drunks at times; haven't you ever had someone getting pissed at a western funeral? And my house has never been invaded by unruly kids or adults, whether funerals, weddings or whatever.

When money was loaned for expenses it was always paid back - funeral costs not covered by the village savings fund or insurance were shared by family.

[McGarty]

Yes, this does sound very chaotic. Your main problem was in your house being so close to the fathers house. A few kilometers away would have made all the difference to you. It seems to me that if life was as chaotic as you describe then you were lacking someone to be in charge of event inside your house.

As to the rest of it, where do I begin?

Monks do smoke but they are not allowed to drink.

Gambling? That has happened at all funerals I have been to.

Partying? That is all part of the funeral. Music some dancing, Karaoke too.

Drinking? That is also part and parcel of funeral life. Some will get drunk others will not.

Food. Endless amounts of food. That means many of the ladies mucking in and preparing and cooking

Late nighters. You find those at many funerals. Many do not want to leave. Some drink and party until dawn then the new people arrive and it all begins again.

Crates of Whiskey? They are to be expected as are the bottles of beer.

Everyone wants to drink and talk and pay respects. Yes, there will be some hangers-on.

All those above are no real problem. That is how it is in many cases with village funerals. You expect to be invaded.

50000 Baht was not a fortune and you got the money back. The food, the drinks, chairs, tables, cooking utensils and pots and pans all had to be paid for. The monks also had to be paid. The cost of the cremation etc. Also no real problem.

Many people will have chipped in with money towards the cost that you may not have seen. They usually do. I chipped in 10000 at one funeral. At another I was asked for 5000. I did not really see that as a problem because I was part of the 'family'. You are also seen as one of the richer members of the family so others would come to you for handouts to get home.

I think you personally were ill prepared for what to expect for a village funeral. Next time you know what to expect

[Beetlejuice]

But wife phones me and tells me she needs me there with her

(Now we Know why)

The extended family are all heading home to various parts of the country brother going to song ka, sister going to samui etc so they needed money ( yeah from my wife and me ).

After the funeral my wifes huddled together with all her sisters and brothers and approaches me and asks me for 50.000 baht.

[scorpio]

sounds like you allowed this to happen.

yeah yeah , " i allowed this to happen " why are people so negitive on tv ? if i had my way the wifes father would still be alive today, so what was i supposed to do ? not pay for my wife to join her family in thailand ? been disrespectfull and escape to pattaya for the duration of the funeral ?

im just letting people know what a thai funeral is like and what to expect in the event it happens to them.

[mahtin]

This morning my wife told me a guy was shot dead last night in the next house but one.

Today at that house many people, much drinking and loud music.

Thailand.

[mataus101]

there is no way my wife would hit me up for money like that.

and if she did i would have been informed first before i arrived.

i would suggest she let you know ahead of time next time so your not put on the spot.

almost telling you to give and not asking.

[rgs2001uk]

The OP got off lightly, 50k.

I have posted about these sort of events before, and have witnessed first hand what the OP mentions.

He is also correct about the insurance money, something that isnt always mentioned to the Great White ATM.

Others have posted on these forums of funerals costing anywhere from 200-500k, hence my comment the OP was lucky.

Next time the coyote dancers and Luk Tung band may push the price up.

[sbk]

Depends on what part of Thailand you live in I imagine. I've never seen much drinking at a funeral, certainly no real drunkenness. Nor is there anything like dancing, music or movies during the funeral. I've seen that later, when my husband became a monk after his grandfather died, his father hired a shadow puppet troupe for entertainment but not at a funeral no. Gambling, yes, used to, but our local abbot banned it from funerals held at the Wat.

Funeral traditions vary from region to region and can vary fairly widely, so lets not use that catchall phrase "Thailand".

[Gippy]

Wife's Uncle died 2 weeks ago. 5 days funeral and tambon for monks. Total cost 130,000 baht, no we didn't pay, covered by donations and insurance. Your experience doesn't sound so unusual!

[Soutpeel]

When I pop my clogs...I certainly hope they put on party like this for me...

[kokesaat]

I've warned my wife....if she puts on a party like that for me, I'll come back and haunt her. No alcohol, no gambling, no cayote girls.....if no one wants to come to my funeral, I won't be bothered in the least.

[elwood]

Depends on what part of Thailand you live in I imagine. I've never seen much drinking at a funeral, certainly no real drunkenness. Nor is there anything like dancing, music or movies during the funeral. I've seen that later, when my husband became a monk after his grandfather died, his father hired a shadow puppet troupe for entertainment but not at a funeral no. Gambling, yes, used to, but our local abbot banned it from funerals held at the Wat.

Funeral traditions vary from region to region and can vary fairly widely, so lets not use that catchall phrase "Thailand".

In my wife's village alcohol has been banned from funerals for some years; of course some get a few inside them before coming, so you may see an old codger dancing like a dervish then collapsing in a heap to sleep it off, but never seen any violence. And the only music is the funereal type - the only pretty girls on show are the young relatives! As for gambling, that has also been cracked down on, so only a few of the die-hard gamblers sneak off into the undergrowth for a game.

You're so right about funeral traditions varying throughout the country; stone me, they also vary in different Christian religions, so you can never talk about a typical western funeral tradition either.

[KeyserSoze01]

sounds like you allowed this to happen.

yeah yeah , " i allowed this to happen " why are people so negitive on tv ? if i had my way the wifes father would still be alive today, so what was i supposed to do ? not pay for my wife to join her family in thailand ? been disrespectfull and escape to pattaya for the duration of the funeral ?

im just letting people know what a thai funeral is like and what to expect in the event it happens to them.

Well, your OP was hardly positive in nature.

So, you have a house in this place and you are viewed as the "rich farang" by the family. hardly news here. If you are planning on retiring in this place sometime in the future, you have just gotten a taste of what to expect. :jap:

[rott]

All sounds like a less than fun experience scorpio, on the plus side at least you didn't get too much stick on here.

[theblether]

Thanks for posting, I for one had no idea that funerals could degenerate to the extent that you said. If you have educated no one else you have educated me. I'll be making a point of asking the question re insurance, once again I had no idea about how that works here in Thailand.

[Penkoprod]

All sounds like a less than fun experience scorpio, on the plus side at least you didn't get too much stick on here.

Not yet he hasn't !!!!! Give it time

Seems the poor guy was between a rock and a hard place, trying to do the best for his wife, but, on the other hand realising what he, perhaps should have done.

As another poster stated, it certainly was an eye-opener, and an education. Forewarned is forearmed

Props to the OP for posting in such detail, and honesty :jap:

Penkoprod

[JimsKnight]

Do Thai men who are married put up with this sht?

The OP's been made to bend over backwards!

If that was me I'd be out the door for a fortnight while they went banana's.

Better that than to suffer like a gimp.

Yes monks smoking is nothing new, what's the big deal about that anyway?

[Heng]

Most of the Thai funerals I've been to have been significantly subdued. Drinking at the 'after party' at times, but no gambling or dancing. The biggest headaches seems to be getting rid of the usual masses of wreaths.

[IMA_FARANG]

Just to make it clear....you are talking about an Issan (up-country) Thai funeral.

What you are discribing is not typical of ALL Thai funerals.

My Thai wife's mother died within the last 3 months and I have seen the funeral process here in Bangkok.

It all took place in the local Wat...including the cremation.

No gambeling, and no guests staying in the house (except for my wife's sister who lives 4 hours away from Bangkok by bus and who stayed overnight before the ceremony at the Wat and the cremation).

My wife, her sisters, her daughter, and the grand daughter did buy and cook food for for the guests...but all that took place at the Wat.

I just want everyone to understand that what you described is NOT typical of ALL Thai funerals.

Funeral customs vary in Thailand with the region and family traditions.

Edited November 23, 2011 by IMA_FARANG

[Mosha]

Sounds like a typical funeral/wake. Although I've never seen a karaoke at the funeral, they do set a tv with a show on. Drinking out of sight of the monks. Police actually run the gambling here . Food is put on. Now down in Pak Phanang, they only feed people who have come a long way, as a farang they always feed me as the reckon I have traveled a long way The party goes on all night because they don't like to leave the body alone. I've even see them go up to the box and talk to it conversationally, almost as though the deceased is not classed as dead until the cremation. Most people seem to turn up after the monks have gone.

[TexasRanger]

That behaviour doesnt sound typical, I have had 2 funerals of close family here and yes there are parties but not as bad as you describe. In all countries people have varying degrees of manners. I certainly would not let people invade my house/garden, not in any country.

[ballpoint]

Only in Thailand? For some reason, "The body of an American" by the Pogues comes to mind:

"We turned and shook as we had a look

In the room where the dead men lay

So big jim dwyer made his last trip

To the home where his father's laid

Fifteen minutes later

We had our first taste of whiskey

There was uncles giving lectures

On ancient irish history

The men all started telling jokes

And the women they got frisky

By five o'clock in the evening

Every bastard there was piskey"

Now that's the way I want to be sent off.

[Trembly]

I've never encountered these wake style funerals outside of the North and Isan - puts a whole new spin on the term 'Rice-Paddy' (the parallels are astounding : I'm currently teaching in an Isan school to while away the flooding and its like being in an Oriental version of Father Ted).

Sorry for pointing out the obvious but the vibe and events that occur during the funeral depend on the hosts and the guests who attend.

I personally think that they're a bloody good idea.

Edited November 23, 2011 by Trembly

[Finlaco]

When u married a poor, poorly educated country girl, what exactly where u expecting? Her good fortune is all her family's good fortune.

[Fookhaht]

Just to make it clear....you are talking about an Issan (up-country) Thai funeral.

Even YOUR implied generalization is too wide. This is also NOT typical of all Isaan (up-country) funerals either.

It really depends on the socio-economic level of the deceased's family and the village.

The last Isaan funeral I attended was that of a young professional man who had died tragically in a car accident near Pattaya, the son of a couple both of whom were local teachers. All were from a small village in the neighboring province where the funeral was held.

The entire proceedings were what a westerner would view as "respectful" and solemn. Even the later dinner was not boisterous, drunken nor unruly. It was a generous dinner for about 200 participants, with quiet conversation among the attendees. Many were able to visit the head table where the parents sat, and to give them their condolences in person. All in all, a very "appropriate" affair in my eyes, and the eyes of my Thai friends who attended.

As the moderator's post implied, don't brand your experience all of "Thailand," nor I would brand it "Isaan." I believe you were saddled with just an unfortunate set of insensitive and shark-ish relatives, friends, and neighbors who saw you as an easy mark to be run over and pushed to the limit.

My own limits, and those of my Thai friends, are much shorter than yours, I assure you.

Edited November 23, 2011 by Fookhaht