Chuck Norris

[Boo]

1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his

soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and

admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second

Wednesday of the month.

3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

4. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are

trademarked names for his left and right legs.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the

JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his

beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the

first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

7. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a

stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.

Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had

gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,

to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he

taketh away.

8. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck

could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE

YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.

Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't

###### with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony

of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile

radius of the blast went deaf.

9. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift

of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,

jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence

to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of

roundhouse kick related deaths.

10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

11. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris

smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7

different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for

30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

12. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up

the courage to tell him.

13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck

Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

14. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

15. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead

decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he

grew a beard.

16. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply

beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the

game forfeited.

17. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck

Norris

18. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and

saying "booya".

19. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only

thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets

the information he wants.

21. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was

removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a

roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's

no glitch."

22. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from

cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also

requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on

his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

23. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck

said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came

back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he

threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with

cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her

a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

24. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares

Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

25. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb

on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His

reasoning? It was more "humane".

26. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just

so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

27. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a

spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the

earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature

of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor,

and still owes him a beer.

28. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put

razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

29. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse

every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their

floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

30. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is

injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This

is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to

lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

> _31 Reasons Chuck Norris is better than you_

>

> 1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds

> till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in

> the face.

>

> 2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck

> Norris can kill him and take it.

>

> 3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot

> broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart

> while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

>

> 4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets

> the information he wants.

>

> 5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a

> stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.

> Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had

> gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,

> to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good

> Chuck, he taketh away.

>

> 6. Chuck Norris lost his v1rginity before his dad did.

>

> 7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have

> felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

>

> 8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related

> deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

>

> 9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are

> trademarked names for his left and right legs.

>

> 10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

>

> 11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F #c king."

>

> 12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and

> includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck

> Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

>

> 13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

>

> 14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and

> Chuck Norris.

>

> 15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean

> to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him

> with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox,

> which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

>

> 16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating

> in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for or al s#x, KFC and Tequila.

>

> 17. Chuck Norris always has s# x on the first date. Always. The only

> time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the

> Holocaust.

>

> 18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,

> B, A, Select, Start using only his er #ction.

>

> 19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that

> sometimes corn needs to lie the f% ck down.

>

> 20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck

> Norris allows to live.

>

> 21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and

> instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

>

> 22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive er$ ction.

> There were no survivors.

>

> 23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could

> use to kill you, including the room itself.

>

> 24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

>

> 25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game

> of tennis.

>

> 26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy cr@p! That's Chuck

> Norris!" Then she had had s$x with him. At that point, she was the third

> girl he had slept with.

>

> 27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

>

> 28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

>

> 29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up

> with lactose's sh1 t.

>

> 30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

>

> 31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's

> pushing the Earth down.

[gbt71fa]

1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

This has to be the greates thread...ever. As a life-long fan of ass-kickin' Chuck Norris, I worhsip you Boo...I truly do.

[solo siam]

Dont really get it, Has he died or something?

[Tywais]

Sorry boo but if I can't see an entire joke on my screen (and I have a BIG screen) without scrolling I move on.

[gbt71fa]

Dont really get it, Has he died or something?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is the point. Chuck Norris CANT die and if he did it is because he wanted to just to try it out.