The 2005 Darwin Awards

[lovejoy]

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of

the human genome by honoring those who accidentally

kill themselves in really stupid ways.

(13 January 2005, Bizkupija, Croatia) On a Thursday afternoon around 4:30, 55-year-old Marko went into his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight?

He happened to have the perfect object: it was heavy, yet compact, and best of all it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material.

Marko turned on his electrical welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however.

[lovejoy]

(7 March 2005, Hanoi, Vietnam) Nguyen, 21, had been drinking with friends in the Tu Liem district of Hanoi, when he pulled out an old detonator he had found. The detonator was about six centimeters long and 8 centimeters in diameter, with two wires hanging out of the end. Because it was old and rusty, he said, it couldn't explode. His friends disagreed.

To prove his point, Nguyen put the detonator in his mouth and asked his friend to plug the dangling wires into a 220-volt electrical receptacle. Nyugen was wrong!

The victim had little time to reflect on how he could have been so mistaken, or whether 220 volts alone could have been fatal. According to police, "the explosion blew out his cheek and smashed all his teeth." Nguyen died on the way to the hospital.

[lovejoy]

(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher, who called 911 at 1:22am and calmly informed the police dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Suddenly he began screaming and begging for help. A woman was heard shouting in the background, "Why did you do this?" Deputies arrived quickly, only to find that Christopher had bled to death from stab wounds to his chest.

After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced said neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.

Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: he would stab himself and blame the neighbor!

A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom while he called police. When he emerged from the bathroom, he looked perfectly fine, but a moment later he began screaming as gouts of blood spewed from his chest. He ran to the door of the apartment, and collapsed.

The evidence pointed to self-inflicted wounds. Deputies found the knife that killed him in the kitchen, and an autopsy concluded that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound may not have looked dangerous enough to him, so he took the knife and tried again, this time plunging it into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.

Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation fell on deaf ears, as a witness stated that the neighbor was not in the apartment, and the neighbor offered to take a lie-detector test to demonstrate his innocence. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.

[lovejoy]

(16 January 2005, Florida) Two North Fort Myers residents, 23-year-old Molly and her husband, had rented a room in a local motel for some unspecified activity, perhaps involving perpetuation of the species. As Molly entered the second-floor room, she went straight for the lanai, which overlooked a concrete patio. Most guests would have seen the railing on the edge of the lanai as a safety feature, but for Molly it brought to mind fond memories of her youthful gymnastic abilities.

Molly called out to Todd, "Watch to see what I can still do." These would be her last words. She did a flip onto the railing for a handstand, just the way she used to do, then toppled over the other side, slamming into the patio 15 feet below. She was pronounced dead at the hospital.

[zzap]

Keep it coming!

[lovejoy]

(8 February 2005, Caerphilly, Wales) "If Wales wins, I'll cut my balls off," Geoff told his mates at a social club while watching the rugby match between England and its arch-rival. His friends thought the 26-year-old was joking, but after Wales' 11-9 victory over England, he went home, castrated himself with a knife, and walked the length of two rugby fields back to the bar to show his shocked friends the evidence.

It was Wales's first home win over England in 12 years.

Geoff was taken to a hospital where he remained "in a seriously ill condition."

[sidebar: Police reported that he had a history of mental problems, so he may not have been of sound mind at the time. This is generally regarded as a disqualification for a Darwin Award.]

[lovejoy]

(5 January 2005, Nebraska) In September of his senior year at the University of Nebraska, 21-year-old Derek wrote an impassioned declaration of independence from seatbelts for his college newspaper, concluding, "If I want to be the jerk that flirts with death and rides around with my seat belt off, I should be able to do that." After all, these "intrusive and ridiculous" laws saved a mere 6,100 lives a year, according to statistics from the U.S. Congress.

Derek's father told the Lincoln Journal-Star that he "was a bright young boy, a 4.0." He was majoring in five subjects and planning to attend law school. He was also smart enough to tutor his friends in subjects he didn't even take.

Derek spent the holidays in San Antonio, Texas, returning to Lincoln in January. The driver of the Ford Explorer and another friend were in the front seats. Unwilling to buck the system, they both wore seatbelts. Derek was in the back seat, possibly reminding his friends, in the words of his newspaper column, "There seems to be a die-hard group of non-wearers out there who simply do not wish to buckle up no matter what the government does. I belong to this group."

Around 3 a.m. the SUV hit a patch of ice, slid off Interstate 80 and rolled several times in a ditch. Derek, in an involuntary display of his freedom from regulation, was thrown from the vehicle. He died at the scene. His friends, slaves to the system, survived with minor injuries. Police said that alcohol was not involved in the accident.

[lovejoy]

(3 January 2005, St. Maurice, Switzerland) It was the first week of a weapons refresher course, and Swiss Army Grenadier Detachment 20/5 had just finished training with live ammunition. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.

The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this detachment, decided this would be a good time to demonstrate a knife attack on a soldier. Wielding his bayonet, he leaped toward one of his men, achieving complete surprise.

But earlier that week, the soldiers had been drilled to release the safety catch and ready their guns for firing in the shortest possible time. The surprised soldier, seeing his lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, snapped off a shot to protect himself from the attack.

The lesson could not have been more successful: the soldier had saved himself and protected the rest of the detachment from a surprise attack. The lieutenant might have wished to commend his soldier on his quick action and accurate marksmanship. Unfortunately, he had been killed with one shot.

[Prudent_rabbit]

I remember reading about the Wales Fan and thought at the time "Darwin Award", classic....

Edited December 21, 2005 by Prudent_rabbit