Ageing Thai Parents

[DUMPSTER]

My boyfriend’s parents are a very hard working couple who run a night food stall about ½ an hours drive from where we live. The hours they put into their business are horrendous so I often suggest going to see them on a Sunday afternoon so my b/f can help out, which he likes doing. It is actually quite touching to see such a close-knit family with such a strong loving bond between them all. His younger brother is a bit lazy but his heart is in the right place and he helps out too. They are good sons helping out their aging parents despite both holding down full time jobs with my b/f also teaching in the evenings.

I am being drawn closer and closer into the family by my b/f. This past year I’ve attended family gatherings including graduation parties and soon there is a family wedding which I will attend. Now although I have no problems with this and his parents know we run a business and are buying a house together I do wonder where this is all leading. I know my b/f would like his parents to slow down with their business and take things easier. He is the eldest son and I have an inkling that he wants them to eventually live with us but this is something I would find extremely difficult to deal with.

Now I’m not sure but maybe most posters on here are older than the parents of their b/f’s and so have not been in this situation but I’m hoping some have had to deal with this or know somebody who has been through a similar situation?

Thoughts and experiences appreciated.

Edited December 28, 2005 by DUMPSTER

[PeaceBlondie]

Great post, Dumpster, and very touching. I was in a monogamous relationship with my Thai b/f when he was 36, I was 61, and his mother was about 74. He helped to support her and care for her, in their most modest dwelling in Chiang Mai, where they'd been squatters for 50 years. His sisters help as they can. The family never asked me for a thing. On one Mother's Day, I gave my b/f 1,000 baht to give his mother a present, and she guessed the money came from me.

Because I'm a Westerner of NW European background, I would not have lived under the same roof as Mama (she's senile and quite insane). She has four grown children, all employed or married to men with real jobs, and she has a twin sister, etc. They don't need me.

Sorry to mention it again, but after we broke up, the old song title proved itself to be true: "I got along without ya before I met ya; gonna get along without ya now."

It's almost impossible to explain well to a Thai lover, but farang with our heritage don't do that. My parents went to a retirement center, with their final 6 months or less in a hospital or hospice. But then there's my daughter-in-law who's Mexican-American. I can always move into their house! Different cultures.

[DUMPSTER]

Well it's going to be the same for my parents who are in their 70's. They know it's a home for them and they understand but I know it's not going to be as simple dealing with my b/f's parents.

[Hmmm]

It sounds like your bf's parents live in an urban area. I am not sure what the traditions are for 'city Thais' as opposed to those in Isaan for example.

The most common tradition in rural Thailand is apparently for the youngest daughter to assume responsibility for aging parents. So that she can do this, she will generally inherit the family property. When she marries, her husband and family will live in the parent's home and farm the family land. The parents in turn will look after the grandchildren while the daughter and son-in-law are working, either in the fields or wherever they can find work (eg Bangkok).

More equitable distribution of family assets amongst siblings is apparently becoming more common. This can have the undesirable affect of splitting assets into too small parcels, so that they they can no longer support the family units.

A new problem is emerging for poor gay Thais who have not married (a woman, as would have happened in the past) nor found a rich bf to support them. Since they do not have children, the usual mechanism to support them in their old age does not exist.

Fortunately, Thais generally include uncles, aunties, etc. in their broader family 'unit'. So the extended family often assumes support for a relative who has no other immediate family.

My bf's family is somewhat unique in that he and his sister - the only two children - are both gay. Fortunately or unfortunately, Sis first had a nasty husband who is long gone, and a 10 year old daughter. Since lesbians are not tolerated to anywhere near the extent as male gays in Thailand, the sister (and her gf) is now estranged from the family, and the daughter has been left to be brought up by my bf's mother. My bf dotes on her, and I suspect that we/he will end up paying for her later education.

MY bf's parents are almost past working already, but fortunately their land just sustains them. But as the only child who is still 'in the picture' my bf will probably have to support them somehow. The family have already tried to have him take over their land title. Fortunately there is an extended family around too. If she does not reconcile with her mother, his niece (and her husband) may end up supporting her grandparents ... unless she's inherited the 'gay gene' too ! :-)

But I am similarly anxious about all this as you !

[DUMPSTER]

What a very interesting post and insight into Thai life. I had no idea this was the way things were sorted in rural Thailand. My b/f has a big extended family with lots of aunts but they are all aging.

My b/f is not from the North, just outside Bangkok, and as there is no sister, I'm not sure if this will fall on his younger brother and his wife when he finally marries. I know whatever happens my b/f will have a big say in how his parents are looked after as that’s the way he is with regards to his mum and dad.

It is my feeling that most Thais put their family above their farang boyfriends.

Am I right to draw that conclusion?

[Guest endure]

What a very interesting post and insight into Thai life. I had no idea this was the way things were sorted in rural Thailand. My b/f has a big extended family with lots of aunts but they are all aging.

My b/f is not from the North, just outside Bangkok, and as there is no sister, I'm not sure if this will fall on his younger brother and his wife when he finally marries. I know whatever happens my b/f will have a big say in how his parents are looked after as that’s the way he is with regards to his mum and dad.

It is my feeling that most Thais put their family above their farang boyfriends.

Am I right to draw that conclusion?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Family always comes first. Whether your wishes are considered depends on whether you are considered to be part of the family. Being a Farang doesn't exclude you - having the usual Farang nuclear family attitude does.

[DUMPSTER]

I would not like to come between my b/f and his family, so I'll just have to see how things pan out. Hopefully an amicable solution will be made where all parties are happy.