Old Maid In Thailand

[missymoo]

I am not sure if anyone else can relate to me or not but here goes...

I am a Thai born Aussie woman who will soon move to Thailand in a few months to permanently take care of my father. I have just started a new relationship 4 months ago with a lovely man even though we both knew that our time is limited. The sadder part is that we now know that it could definitely lead into something much more as we are just perfect together. However, I really can't stay and he is unable to come with me due to his family and once in a lifetime job opportunity. One could argue that if it's something that we both really wanted then we will make it happen somehow but sometimes relationships are more complicated than just being love fools.

It's difficult to accept that I am possibly giving up the love of my life but what makes it even harder is knowing that I will probably end up an old maid there. I am not at all physically attracted to Asian men and a lot of the so called 'single' expats that my friends and I have come across are not exactly the faithful type. As I will be a full time carer in a very traditional household, going out on a date is out of the question. I am a loving and caring person who would love to have my own children one day so that dream is almost over for me.

Is there anyone else know of or are in a similar situation that I am destined to be in and how are you dealing with it?

[cdnvic]

Its good of you to want to take care of your father but its another thing to build your life around it. A little more info on your father's situation is needed for anyone to give proper advice.

[TommoPhysicist]

Your age and your fathers age would be useful.

For example if you were 20 and he was 70, looking after him might not last long.

Why not consider hiring a Thai lady to care for him, not expensive and he might prefer it (if given the choice)

[missymoo]

My father is 73 years old and now has mild Parkinson and Alzheimer. He has other children from previous marriage that he's solely raised on an honest public servant salary until they all finished university and secured good jobs. However, they are selfish sons of bitches that only come over to take money off him and never look after him for the whole 20 years that I lived with my mother in Aust.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and aside from me living with him until the age of 9, he's always lived alone and became very introverted. My whole childhood, I lived with the guilt of having a blessed life abroad with all the freedom and happiness I could wish for while knowing that my father hasn't experienced much happiness in his whole life. From growing up without parents, being treated as a servant in his aunt's home, failed marriages and ungrateful children that only took from him. He is the best man and the most loving father I know but life has been so unfair to him.

While I consider Australia my home, I am prepared to give up a good career, friends and relationship to make the last years of his life the best that I know he deserves. I know in my heart that I will not be able to live with myself if I wasn't there to let him know that it wasn't all for nothing.

Edited May 29, 2012 by missymoo

[missymoo]

I am 30 and as you know living with others is never the same as living with family. He needs love and not just service.

[cooked]

I hesitate to suggest this, but there are some excellent caring centers for Alzheimer patients in Thailand and they don't cost a fortune. I saw a documentary recently and I was impressed by the quality of care- for instance they had very few cases of aggression amongst their residents which isn't the case in Europe. Your father will eventually no longer recognise you and at this point you may ask yourself what purpose you are serving. Up to you of course. I think of a saying (sorry bad translation): 'the main point of life is living it yourself. Many think that it is there to serve others'. It all depends on what kind of person you are, you can come to a rational decision and still feel bad about it. My personal experience with Alzheimer leads me to think that very few people are able to stay on the job until the end. Previously loving couples even get divorced. Sorry to be harsh.

If you do decide to come to Thailand you will find that you can get someone capable to help you at an affordable wage especially if you stay away from Bangkok.

And: we expats aren't all drooling girl chasing lechers despite what first impressions you may have had. Stay away from the flesh pots!

[eek]

missyoo, is relocating your father to Australia out of the question? You might be able to receive some kind of supplemented income or help too.

You have not just one issue here (the interest in this man), but two (the care of your father).

Addressing the situation with your father:

My grandmother had Alzheimer and it was pretty devastating when it took hold. I dont mean that to distress you, just that i have had first hand experience of aiming to be a carer of someone with Alzheimers. I took around three months off from work to help take care of my grandmother, but it was more than i could handle, and i could handle a lot, believe me. I dont know what condition your father is in, he may be passive, but my grandmother was no longer herself and she became very aggressive. Anyway, my point is, that caring for someone with Alzheimer's is not as simple (as such) as dealing with general old age ailments. I hope you have awareness of that..and have thought carefully about how YOU are going to handle it (for it will be emotionally and physically challenging). I was actually given advice that my being emotionally invested in my grandmother was actually detrimental to her as well as me. She was up all hours of the night, so i was tired, emotionally and physically drained, and honestly those combinations do not make a good carer. I dreaded the idea of her being in a home, but as it turned out, she was happier when that did actually happen. She was given correct care, and i had energy. I was able to visit her, and still have my life. Just something for you to think about..im not suggesting that that is the right approach for you. But really would be worthwhile researching what you (and your fathers) best options are. Sometimes what we THINK is in our loved ones best interests, isnt.

As for your situation with the man you met:

..there are always ways, if both parties feel there is a connection worth keeping. Long distance relationships, although difficult, can work. If he has just landed his dream job, then his focus and attention will be on that. So the fact you both have pressing things to attend to in your lives, is good. WIthout a doubt, you are going to need a break and rest period if you take on this carer role, so, you can take time to see each other..either he visits you (and you go somewhere in Thailand away from home for a few days or week or two), or you go to Australia. Again, other alternatives could be taking your father back to Australia (if he is in the full grip of Alziemers, or ends up that way, you can create familiar surroundings home/room-wise..he honestly wont know where he is..so wont miss much if you provide some familiar items etc). Again, maybe consider some kind of care externally, where you can visit. Even if appalled at the idea (as i was initially), it IS sometimes more beneficial, for you, and your loved one. Has the gentleman you care about talked over alternatives with you? If he cares about you very much, he will help you both work out a way to keep that connection.

Have a think..there might be more ways to address this than you are initially considering.

[missymoo]

I have already considered all options. He is unable to join me in Australia due to the family balance test (having more children in Thailand than Aust) and I think the waiting list is something ridiculous like 10 years. He also does not want to move here as he can not speak English and will be in an unfamiliar surrounding etc. His condition is still mild and can function as per normal although he gets a little shaky and some logical reasoning has gone out the window. If his condition gets to that stage I will consider outside help but right now while he is still aware of what's going on, I'd like to be there for him. I am prepared for the hard work ahead and I know I can do as good of a job as any. I guess this is my father that gave me life so I'll have to try.

Edited May 29, 2012 by missymoo

[missymoo]

In regards to the boyfriend we have talked about the long distance relationship thing but we both know that this is quite far-fetched. No healthy relationship can survive on seeing each other a few times a year, at least not at this early stage. We both desperately want to have children in the near future but we also want to be there to raise them and see them grow up so long distance would not work. It is very likely that he will have the chance to move on before I do but I don't blame him because I chose to leave and he needs to live his life too. I am not trying to find a way out of my responsibility but rather how to deal with the fact that I will end up childless and unmarried.

[SimonD]

I was 28 when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers and even with the support of my brother and sister (from a distance) and British social services (on scene) it was an uphill struggle. I was her principal carer and had chose to give up a promising job and most of my social life for the next seven years until she passed away.

I sympathise with your predicament and know how you are feeling. "But what can I do? He's my father..." I feel for you, I really do but you need to remain realistic about the future. He will reach a stage when he becomes a danger to himself by neglect or forgetfulness. You will have to modify his entire living arrangements to accommodate his safety and comfort. He will become incontinent and need frequent changing and bathing. The list is endless and only gets more severe as his condition worsens.

The long and the short of it is that you cannot do it by yourself, particularly in Thailand without the assistance of other family members. You need to get a framework in place to provide respite care and take regular breaks, otherwise you will be no use to him or yourself.

Make every attempt to maintain a social life while caring to the best of your abilities. Difficult to do but what happens to you when he passes away? How many years and opportunities will you have lost? You need to get some help in right from start to give yourself some free time. Don't burn out. He wouldn't want that.

[missymoo]

I will definitely not try to be a hero and will ask for help when required. I believe he still has many quality years left before all that happens. I will not be able to have an active social life as my family is very very traditional and believes that good girls stays at home. I will not be allowed (yes even at 30!) to go out anywhere without a family member so trip away will be out of the question and frowned upon as neglecting my father. Sorry but my life will be very complicated in more ways than one.

[farang000999]

It sounds like you are choosing to be a victim. Tell your family that it is none of their business where you go and that you are an adult. If your family is so traditional, why is it that no one is willing to help take care of your father? You can hire part time help to assist in caring for him. Even a maid who comes by from time to time to clean can keep an eye on him and let you get out of the house. Stand up to them and tell them that you need help caring for him and that you yourself are only 30 and have a life to live as well. At 30, you are quite young. Thai women have very youthful features and as long as you watch your diet I promise that many farang men will remain interested in you for quite some time. I am in my twenties and attracted to plenty of Thai women in their 30's. You control your destiny. There is little nobility in being a silent victim. Stand up for yourself.

[edwinclapham]

I could well be in a similar position as yourself one day... living in Australia, with a father resident in Thailand.

Right now he has all his marbles and remains active and healthy but one can never say never.

Both my Thai wife and I know we have to cover all eventualities should illness prevail with either her parents or my Dad.

I will definitely not try to be a hero and will ask for help when required. I believe he still has many quality years left before all that happens. I will not be able to have an active social life as my family is very very traditional and believes that good girls stays at home. I will not be allowed (yes even at 30!) to go out anywhere without a family member so trip away will be out of the question and frowned upon as neglecting my father. Sorry but my life will be very complicated in more ways than one.

I do believe you have faced your situation and nothing much is going to change unless you instigate it.

Yes the " family of balance act " wont act in your favour due to other siblings but your father would probably fail the medical anyway.

Personally after having lived the Australian way of life, I would find it almost impossible to have to adhere to "Thai traditions" under someone elses conditons.... I know my wife, although an exceptionally respectful daughter does not tolerate any "blackmail" under any circumstances and in a way "the family" are wanting their cake and eat it.

You will end up being resentful & isolated because you have succombed to the wishes of others therefore this will in turn affect your own mental and caring capabilities.

Personally I see no way out! unless you can be the walking ATM from the Australia end for the family which if it was me, would be preferable to an extremely bleak future.

I personally would do a reccie to establish all the possibilities before giving up your life in Oz.

I do have a father in Thailand who fortunately is fit and healthy but I am under no false illusion that this could happen to me one day.

He would not qualify to live with us in Australia but I would have to set myself up to take care of him but under my own terms and conditions as I do have a life and responsibilities also.

If you have Australian citizenship, fair enough but if you only have PR, a wee reminder to obtain a RRV Visa before you depart.

Good luck, you are in unenviable position.

Eddie

Edited May 30, 2012 by edwinclapham

[Goinghomesoon]

MissyMoo I found yours a thought-provoking post as we are likely to face something similar in coming years - Thai hubby's dad is getting older although - touch wood - for the moment he is healthy. However hubs takes his responsibilities as the eldest son very seriously and he, along with one of his sisters, will no doubt become the primary carers if his father's health deteriorates. It's something I've always known and hubby's attitude to his dad is one of the things I love most about him; it's not a blind devotion but he sees caring for him a very practical and necessary expression of his love. It was just one of the complex realities we had to consider when we got married and moved to Australia.

I think being able to care for a parent is a wonderful thing, but do heed the advice of others and consider using carers, at least for the heavier physical side of things. The less physically exhausted you are, the more quality time you can spend with Dad. And if you can spend quality time with him they you might be less likely to become resentful of all the things you have given up.

I'm sorry about your relationship but I'm a big believer in 'what will be, will be'. You can never recover this time with your father, but there will always be the possibility of relationships down the track. Do let us know how you go.

[curtklay]

You are in a very, very difficult position.

Only you can make the best decision.

[samran]

You don't have to view the option of putting your father into care as a way of avoiding responsibility you know.

Being a carer is never the easist of things, and there are some things that you'll see, after a while, is just better for other people to do.

And you might think I am offering you selfish advice here - but I am not - the social isolation that comes from being a carer can and will be straining on your own mental health. Even more so in Thailand where essentially, you are a foreigner.

As with all thing in life, you need to find a balance. But if I were you, I wouldn't rule out professional care. In Thailand, it can be affordable and good.

Edited June 3, 2012 by samran

[sbk]

Having watched my sister and her boyfriend (and my teenage nephew- it was a family affair) struggle with home care for my ailing father over the past 2 years I can tell you that it was indeed a family affair and not something one person with no social network (especially in Thailand) can do by themselves. And my father was just disabled from his illness, not mentally incapable. Alzheimers patients who are fit do wander off, what will you do when you need to go shopping for instance?

It seems that you aren't really aware of the magnitude of what you face. As irresponsible as your siblings may be, you will have to force them to help you in some way.

[SOTIRIOS]

.....I am trying to 'read between the lines'....because I cannot see any 'clear objective'....so it makes me wonder....

(If I did not misread.....you are only 30 years old.......???.........if that is correct, then none of this 'plea' makes sense....)

.....except for 'reaching out for some attention.....

.....I think I have 10x more problems than you, personally and chances are some others, even more than me....

[mike123ca]

.....I am trying to 'read between the lines'....because I cannot see any 'clear objective'....so it makes me wonder....

(If I did not misread.....you are only 30 years old.......???.........if that is correct, then none of this 'plea' makes sense....)

.....except for 'reaching out for some attention.....

.....I think I have 10x more problems than you, personally and chances are some others, even more than me....

I'm 50 years old

and my daughter is 3 years old.

So in 30 years its very possible I might lose my sense of reality.

And my daughter might feel burden by it.

[missymoo]

Hi Sotirios. I am 30 years old and I am not trying to make a plea. I just wanted some advice from people that have gone through similar situations to mine and how they coped through it. I would really appreciate it if you have nothing constructive to say please don't say anything at all. After all this is my post and obviously there are people who cared enough about this topic to reply.

[missymoo]

Also as mentioned everyone, my father is still capable of looking after himself physically so there is no need to seek outside help as yet. Siblings will definitely not help with the caring as they do not want anything to do with dad unless there's money involved so I'd rather pay a professional than give them one baht of my money. Sadly, one of my brothers just passed away via car accident last Saturday so hopefully this is a wake up call for the rest to start focusing on things that matter like family.

[edwinclapham]

Also as mentioned everyone, my father is still capable of looking after himself physically so there is no need to seek outside help as yet. Siblings will definitely not help with the caring as they do not want anything to do with dad unless there's money involved so I'd rather pay a professional than give them one baht of my money. Sadly, one of my brothers just passed away via car accident last Saturday so hopefully this is a wake up call for the rest to start focusing on things that matter like family.

Dreadful news Missymoo...

RIP to your brother.

In situations like this it is certainly a wake up call.

May your chosen road be smooth.

eddie

[missymoo]

Thanks Eddie and everyone who responded. Happy to close this thread now