Gaining Custody Or At Least Part Custody Of Child

[tonymontana32]

Hi All,

I am sure this has been covered, however, I have not found any threads about this so I am starting a new one.

The story is that I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who speaks English as her first language and also speaks Thai, she goes to a Thai school and has always lived with me and my GF/EX-GF.

Recently we have split up (only 2 days ago) and the split is for good, my ex is basically mental and gets very aggressive and has threatened to take my daughter away from me never to be seen again. She has also tried to kill herself ( as most of them try and do at some point in their lives) 4-5 years ago by slitting both wrists, 1 wrist will always have massive scars, we are not married and I am on birth certificate ( I also do know that being on birth certificate doesnt give me any rights so please don't be posting any of that <deleted> as its going to be a waste of time for both of us) also my daughter is the spitting image of me. (no jokes on that part please as I'm not a happy Fckin bunny)

I work and have been working here for the last 7-8 years with BOI visa etc and a good income even by UK standards (not sure if this is important) so anyway Thailand is my home now and I don't plan on leaving (I am 33).

Can she just piss off with my daughter and not let me see her or what?, by the way she has no income and not much family to help her out also I think those scars could come in handy and in my favour but not sure as I know Thailand and the stupidity of it sometimes. OK if she gets full custody but I would want my daughter to spend every weekend with me and for me to visit whenever I like no exceptions on this as she is my world.

If there is anything I have missed out please let me know and all replies are welcome but don't take the piss.

Many thanks in advance

Paul

[Mario2008]

You are not married and unless you petitioned the court to become the legal father you are the father in a biological sense, but not as far as the law is concerned. Legally the mother right now has sole custody and you have no rights. See: http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/381917-how-to-gain-parental-rights-as-a-father/

You first step will be to ask to be recognised as the legal father of the child and awarded custody. Only when you are the legal father can you gain custody over the child. In Thailand the norm is that you will get shared custody together with the mother, with one of the parties being the prime caretaker.

Sole custody is only awarded when the other parent is incapable or a possible danger to the child. Think in terms of using drugs or a serious mental illness.

You or her income are not relevant.

If the mother contests it, in the end you will be recognised as the legal father but it will take some time. Gettting shared custody will also be no problem.

You say the mother has no income, with you being the legal father she can claim child support. In Thailand that will be bewteen 3,000 and 6,000 baht a month, with both parents sharing the medical and educational cost. Here is a chance for you to negotiate in her not contesting that you are the legal father and negotiating a deal regarding visitation of the child.

Given the time frame of it only being 2 days, I would contact a good lawyer but wait with starting procedures and try to work things out with her first. If you start with the legal proceedins, the tone will be set and it will be difficult to come to an understanding with her in the future in the interest of your child.

Think careful before you act about the consequences.

A custody order by a judge will give you specific rights, but will not be that you can visit whenever you want. It might say every weekend or a weekend every two weeks.

[tonymontana32]

You are not married and unless you petitioned the court to become the legal father you are the father in a biological sense, but not as far as the law is concerned. Legally the mother right now has sole custody and you have no rights. See: http://www.thaivisa....ts-as-a-father/

You first step will be to ask to be recognised as the legal father of the child and awarded custody. Only when you are the legal father can you gain custody over the child. In Thailand the norm is that you will get shared custody together with the mother, with one of the parties being the prime caretaker.

Sole custody is only awarded when the other parent is incapable or a possible danger to the child. Think in terms of using drugs or a serious mental illness.

You or her income are not relevant.

If the mother contests it, in the end you will be recognised as the legal father but it will take some time. Gettting shared custody will also be no problem.

You say the mother has no income, with you being the legal father she can claim child support. In Thailand that will be bewteen 3,000 and 6,000 baht a month, with both parents sharing the medical and educational cost. Here is a chance for you to negotiate in her not contesting that you are the legal father and negotiating a deal regarding visitation of the child.

Given the time frame of it only being 2 days, I would contact a good lawyer but wait with starting procedures and try to work things out with her first. If you start with the legal proceedins, the tone will be set and it will be difficult to come to an understanding with her in the future in the interest of your child.

Think careful before you act about the consequences.

A custody order by a judge will give you specific rights, but will not be that you can visit whenever you want. It might say every weekend or a weekend every two weeks.

Thank you for your response Mario and yes shared custody would be OK with me and I would prefer not to go down the solicitor route and I don't really think it will come to that, I am probably jumping the gun but just worried that my daughter will end up being an Issan girl which I would hate to happen as she has so much opportunity in her future.

Again thank you for your input it is very much appreciated.

[Mario2008]

Do get a legal agreement and become the legal father, but try to do it with her consent. That will save money and problems.

When you do have custody with the mother, the norm is that the child stays with one of the parents. Going to work in another city and leaving the child with the grandmother during weekdays for instance, is no option. if she can't take care of the child she will have to hand the child over to you.

[TwoDogz]

I would be looking to keep the child myself if I was in your position.

You said the ex is mental, how could you fathom leaving your daughter that is your world with a mental nutcase ?

Turn it around so you gain custody and she can have access whenever she wants, within reason and pre arranged etc. You have the funds to provide for the child now and future, she does not, use that as a bargaining chip to get her help without aggression. Even offer to help the ex out when you can financially if you can, to gain her support.

You can get a nanny and she would be possibly better off like this as she would be at school all day soon and you can drop her off and if you cannot pick her up, you will be home every night for her and weekend etc.

Thats my take anyway, no way a mental ex would get custody of my children.

[TommoPhysicist]

The keener you are to have custody, the more she will want to take the girl away or blackmail you for money.

Do nothing, act as if you aren't bothered. Don't give the ex money for any reason.

If she thinks you don't care about your daughter, she will probably leave her with you.

[TwoDogz]

The keener you are to have custody, the more she will want to take the girl away or blackmail you for money.

Do nothing, act as if you aren't bothered. Don't give the ex money for any reason.

If she thinks you don't care about your daughter, she will probably leave her with you.

Gambling with your daughter, nice.

She has nothing to lose, taking the girl away and dumping her with grandma is all to often common and easy, no cost to her, but much to him, she most likely knows that already.

[tonymontana32]

The keener you are to have custody, the more she will want to take the girl away or blackmail you for money.

Do nothing, act as if you aren't bothered. Don't give the ex money for any reason.

If she thinks you don't care about your daughter, she will probably leave her with you.

Cheers for the reply Tommo appreciated.

Although I do see the logic and actually agree with this to a point this idea would not fly with my ex as she would believe that I didn't care and therefore I would never see my daughter again, the money side of things my ex is getting absolutely nothing until I see my daughter and then I will be buying food etc. and not giving actual money to her.

The thing that is pissing me off most is that she isn't answering her phone so i can at least speak with my daughter and this is the hardest part of this, having lived and breathed and slept beside my daughter for the last 3 years practically every night and to not see or speak with her is killing me.

Again thanks for you post mate.

Paul

[tonymontana32]

The keener you are to have custody, the more she will want to take the girl away or blackmail you for money.

Do nothing, act as if you aren't bothered. Don't give the ex money for any reason.

If she thinks you don't care about your daughter, she will probably leave her with you.

Gambling with your daughter, nice.

She has nothing to lose, taking the girl away and dumping her with grandma is all to often common and easy, no cost to her, but much to him, she most likely knows that already.

Yes TwoDogz it would be a bit like gambling with my daughter which of course I am not willing to do, I am not a guy who could just leave her to go away and get on with my life never ever would I just abandon my daughter but as i mentioned in response to Tommo's post I understand the logic behind his idea to a point but inst going to happen.

Cheers bud for the post

Paul

[TommoPhysicist]

I can see your point of view (and 2dogz).

But

Women often like to 'punish' men by controlling their access to their children, and the punishment will continue forever.

After having the same game played on me, for a while, I learnt it was easier to just walk away and create more children.

Now I have children I have no access to and will never see again, but am compensated by total access to my new children.

You really can't win anything by playing their game (apart from heartache, regret and misery).

Edited August 27, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[tonymontana32]

I can see your point of view (and 2dogz).ButWomen often like to 'punish' men by controlling their access to their children, and the punishment will continue forever.After having the same game played on me, for a while, I learnt it was easier to just walk away and create more children.Now I have children I have no access to and will never see again, but am compensated by total access to my new children.You really can't win anything by playing their game (apart from heartache, regret and misery).

Mate that would absolutely kill me to never see my daughter again, i know it happens everyday and life must go on but she is very special, bright, beautiful and everything in between and i dont say this because she is mine but because it is true, look at her wee smile...My ex has no money and is being helped out by a few friends, I am in a quandary about whether I should give her money or not and I don't mean that in a nasty way but she is refusing pint blank to let me see my daughter. Should I just give her some money for daughter (her name is Olesya) or say no until I am "allowed to see her"? Also what is really breaking my heart is that she wants to change Olesya's name and telling her to forget about her daddy who she loves so much, women can be so fcking spiteful.All your replies have been appreciated but i really am torn with regards to the giving money issue at the moment, obviously I don't want my daughter to go without but I am unable to see her because of my spiteful ex.CheersPaul Edited August 27, 2012 by tonymontana32

[Mario2008]

1 post deleted.

Unlike some seem to believe, a spiteful ex is not the norm.

[tonymontana32]

1 post deleted.

Unlike some seem to believe, a spiteful ex is not the norm.

Agreed Mario,

Please only constructive and informative posts as i really need some advice on this matter. Now my ex has changed my daughters surname to her own and enrolled her into a new school, also not letting her speak English (which by the way is her first language) wont also let me apply for a UK passport for my daughter. Not sure why but my ex is seemingly wanting to hurt my daughters future more than hurt me.

Thank you again

Paul

[MikeyIdea]

"Not sure why but my ex is seemingly wanting to hurt my daughters future more than hurt me" - There can be 3 reasons why she moved school 1) convenience 2) to hurt and punish you 3) money

You seem unsure why - only someone who knows the mother well can tell (you?) Be honest with yourself, which one do you think is the most likely? We need to know to advise well

Don't think too much about the present and concentrate on the future instead. The mother, mental or not still loves her daughter and will not hurt her, she is hurting you, different thing

"OK if she gets full custody but I would want my daughter to spend every weekend with me and for me to visit whenever I like no exceptions on this as she is my world"

Careful thinking like that - The parent with sole custody is God and Dictator and can do whatever he/she wants. You can easily get a court order where you give away custody but get the child every weekend and the mother can move to another part of the country, she can marry and take the child abroad - you have weekends but you must follow the mother to be able to use it... The mother can even turn around any time and deny you access regardless of what the court order says and the only thing you can do is to go back to court.

If you go back to court, then you will be heavily disadvantaged because the mother has sole custody: Take-away: Get shared custody even if you don't need or want it now, you will get it and you do NOT pay more money to get it either (bear this in mind, lawyer you get will suggest otherwise but it is rubbish, I have confirmed this with a couple of Thai Juvenile Court judges)

Another thing: You do need to be a part of your daughters education to help her getting a good future, leave education with the mother and relatives and future will suffer. I don't mean that you must sit with homework every weekday but you need to be on top of things, you need to have the power at least to be part of the discussion when selecting school. No custody and you are nothing

A third thing : If mother has sole custody, then she has the power to assign a "poo doo lae deck" helper take care of child and that person would have more power than you regardless of if it's just the neighbour down the road.

Mario writes: You or her income are not relevant.

Very correct - Don't expect any advantages in court because you are rich except in one single area - Education. Juvenile Court is about the future of the child most of all and if you can pay for good education and the mother cannot, then you do have some power that you can and should use. You can offer to pay (minimum bilingual) education until child finishes her batcheler degree but the trade-off is that you decide school. That takes a bit of fighting to get but you can get it. That would ensure that the mother can't move 500 km away with your daughter to follow her new boyfriend, to get more money or whatever

"I would prefer not to go down the solicitor route and I don't really think it will come to that"

You should discuss with the mother, get on good terms with her and then take the thing to court regardless - You will have to go through Juvenile Court sooner or later Tony, accept it

"All your replies have been appreciated but i really am torn with regards to the giving money issue at the moment, obviously I don't want my daughter to go without but I am unable to see her because of my spiteful ex"

The mother has changed name of your daughter, changed school and is denying you access - It surely sounds to me anyway that you will have to go to court to ensure access to your child long term. You need to get your strategy right and you need to put yourself in her shoes to be able to do that. What makes her tick? What is her goals? Short term and long term. Then set a strategy to get best long term result and stick with it

I bet best strategy to get best long term result in this case is No Money - No money until you get access is standard standard and Juvenile Court judges accept that too. My advise: If you only can come to visit but cannot bring the child with you for the weekend, then bring a couple of bags with food etc. You pay money and you will probably see the the mother getting stronger, not what you want yet

Good Luck

Mikey

Edited September 4, 2012 by MikeyIdea

[apiwan]

Mate , I have to add my 2 pence for what it's worth,

DON'T give her a penny just yet, and I'll tell you why from personal experience ,

I was kinda In the same boat as you before, only I was married and wanted to get out, going to court u would only of got my daughter and her my 2 sons ,

In the end it came to her demanding money , I said <deleted> in the end she divorced and gave me sole custody of all 3 , if I carried on giving , thinking " my kids are starving and not happy"

I'd still be giving. Now

Anything you give her 5% will reach your kid, if that ?

Demand what you want and stick by it,

Where she get the money to put her in school ?

You have t spoke to her and yet you know all this ??

Take my word , she will use your kid as a bargaining. Chip for a better life

This is only the beginning

Sorry to be the bearer . But that's how I see it

Be lucky mate