Trials And Tribulations Of A Computer Technician

[warfie]

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working..

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?

Caller : Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? .... Printers don't have a mouse!!!

Caller: Mmmmm??..Oh really?

Customer Service: Ok Ma'am, we'll send a technician.

2 hours later my technician returned with this photo on his phone...

Fellow techs please add yours!

[cdnvic]

I just had to explain to someone who threw her laptop out the window because she was mad at her boyfriend, why she doesn't get a refund because I didn't get it working.

[warfie]

Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have a computer...

Many years ago I worked for an Apple Macintosh support company, a few hours after sending another happy customer home with her repaired monitor she phoned back to say it wasn't working, in fact it was now completely dead... even worse than when she bought it to us.

Customer: (in tears) "How could you make it worse than it was?"

Technician: "I personally repaired and tested that monitor, and the service manager inspected it afterwards, it was working perfectly before you collected it." (I was still on probation at the time, and all my work was inspected by the the service manager, and I still had a bit to learn about tact...)

Customer: "what do you mean 'before I collected it'?"

Technician: "My apologies... I simply meant that it was working fine here... what did you do when you got home with it?"

Customer: "I connected it to my CPU." she means her system unit... "the box"

Technician: "...and the power of course..."

Customer: "what do you mean?"

Technician: "you connected the monitor to power as well of course?"

after a 20 minute conversation during which 'power outlet' becomes known as 'earth' and 'power cable' becomes known as 'kettle plug' we ascertain that her monitor is connected to her 'CPU', and her 'CPU' has a 'kettle plug' going to 'earth' but her monitor does not. Problem solved!

Or so I thought!

Customer: "listen to me, I am blonde and I do not like blonde jokes"

Technician: "...what? I didn't... huh?"

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

P.S. My mother and sister are both blonde and both highly intelligent.

[kevjohn]

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?

Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it.

He was laughing too hard.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. *

[kevjohn]

Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

[warfie]

I had one user who swore that he had to be seated in order to logon...

I couldn't figure it out on the phone so I visited him in his office and sure enough, when he was sitting, no problem... when standing "Username or Password incorrect"!?!

After watching him log in and out, several times, standing and sitting, I noticed that he was touch typing when sitting and "hunting-pecking" when standing... I took a close look at his keyboard and some of the key caps had been switched (I'm guessing a joke by his workmates)...

[warfie]

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?

Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it.

He was laughing too hard.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. *

Customer: "I got this problem. You sent me this install disc, and now my floppy drive doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Your floppy drive doesn't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disc, it got stuck in my drive, now it doesn't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disc got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disc out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a bit of butter and melted it and used a syringe to put the butter in the drive, around the disc, that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. But now the drive doesn't read any of my discs... I can't believe it! Why would you send me a defective disc?"

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your floppy drive and used pliers to pull the disc out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and gestured for the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: (sighing) "I SAID! I had to put melted butter in my floppy drive, then use pliers to pull your crappy disc out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disc was in the drive, you know, the thing called the EJECT BUTTON?"...Silence.

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you try the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer! or am I going to sue you for breaking it?"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you broke the floppy drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't even consult the user's manual, instead proceeding to pour melted butter into the drive and physically rip the disc out with pliers?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled, and whiney) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "Certainly sir, but physical abuse is not covered by the warrantee."

[overherebc]

Then there was the blonde who's password was

sleepydozyhappysneezydocbashfulgrumpy.

Instructions said it must contain seven characters.

OK going to cut the grass now.

[Tywais]

1 ) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer : "Ok."

Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer : "No."

Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer : "No."

Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

----------------------------------------

2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent,

but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

--------------------------------------------------

3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."

Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."

Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer : "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

--------------------------------------------------

4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

--------------------------------------------------

5).Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,

canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Tech support : ##### ***

[kevjohn]

Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’

Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket

and Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the Number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

[kevjohn]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed

from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble?’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller: ‘They disappeared’

Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing?’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’

Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.’

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ‘

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?’

Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark?’

Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.’

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not?’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power … A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!’

[warfie]

1 ) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer : "Ok."

Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer : "No."

Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer : "No."

Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

----------------------------------------

2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent,

but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

--------------------------------------------------

3)Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."

Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."

Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer : "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

--------------------------------------------------

4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

--------------------------------------------------

5).Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,

canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Tech support : ##### ***

You've been reading my diary!!!

[warfie]

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, I'm still using DOS, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, lets check the directory of the A: drive, type 'dir'."

Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (clickity clack) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place, it must do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (clickity clack) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer (angrily): "OF COURSE I AM! Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

[warfie]

I would also LOVE to hear from some average users about stupid mistakes made by so-called-expert-technicians!

I am sure there must be plenty of those stories too!

[warfie]

So, this client brings me his laptop, every time he tries to start it, all he gets is a BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death).

I ask "what happened just before this started?"

he says "I got a strange message on the screen, I didn't understand it, so I just switched it off"

"Do you remember what the message said?"

"Yes, it said 'updating your system, do not switch off your computer'"

I was speechless for a moment, resisting the urge to share with him, my evaluation of his intelligence and my speculations of his parentage...

I asked "what part of that message do you not understand?"

Silence...

[warfie]

My w.... er, someone I know, asked me to have a look at her computer...

"What's the problem?"

"It is not downloading"

"show me..."

she starts her bit-torrent client and points to a movie that is sitting on 1% and we wait for a moment for the client to make some connections and begin downloading, then she closes the client, completely, exits the program and says "it has been like that for days, it just does not download!"

"uh... you have to leave the program running for it to do anything."

"really?!"

"yes, really."

next day she turns her computer on and complains again "I left the program on and it still did not download"

"uh, the program does not do anything when the computer is off..."

(Lord, give me strength)

[sunshine51]

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you <deleted> crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."

[kevjohn]

My w.... er, someone I know, asked me to have a look at her computer...

"What's the problem?"

"It is not downloading"

"show me..."

she starts her bit-torrent client and points to a movie that is sitting on 1% and we wait for a moment for the client to make some connections and begin downloading, then she closes the client, completely, exits the program and says "it has been like that for days, it just does not download!"

"uh... you have to leave the program running for it to do anything."

"really?!"

"yes, really."

next day she turns her computer on and complains again "I left the program on and it still did not download"

"uh, the program does not do anything when the computer is off..."

(Lord, give me strength)

Could have been worse, she could have been a "blond"...

[warfie]

Phone call 30 minutes after customer collects his new computer:

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Ummm, have you cut the tape holding the box closed?"

Customer: "Uhhhh... ok, thanks!" (sounding overjoyed and amazed at this revelation).

Lord, grant me patience, NOW!

[kevjohn]

Not Internet but........

In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers.

One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway.

She pointed the way to the den, where the tv was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the tv, he saw a note taped to the screen.

It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."

[kevjohn]

If the Enterprise had voice recognition

All Star Trek fans know the voice-activated computer on the USS Enterprise, especially Jean-Luc Picard's famous "Earl Grey, hot" request for tea. But what if the Enterprise was equipped with voice-recognition software based on current technology?

PICARD: Computer.

COMPUTER: [chirp] Welcome to the USS Enterprise Voice Recognition System. If you know the extension of the person you'd like to call, please say it now. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For access to records and documents, please say "records." For entertainment options, please say "entertainment." For

information on ship systems and diagnostics, please say, diagnostics." For the replicator, please say "replicator." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "diagnostics." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "replicator." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: Thank you. Please state what you would like to replicate.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Whirled whey in a pot." Is that correct?

PICARD: What? No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Pearl day, shot." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl...Grey...hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Girl gay, hot." I'm sorry, but we cannot replicate human beings. If you wish female companionship, please visit our lounge, Ten-Forward.

PICARD: I didn't say "girl gay," blast you.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Look, I want a cup of Earl Grey tea. And make it hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Zero-four Blevin's rakes hook a font couple Curly May pee and naked hot." Is that correct?

PICARD: Oh, forget it. I'll just use a teapot.

[warfie]

During a conversation with a customer on Monday morning, it became apparent that she had not read the detailed explanatory email I had sent the day before, so I asked if she had received it, she replied.

"Do they deliver on Sundays?"

Lord help me....

[kevjohn]

During a conversation with a customer on Monday morning, it became apparent that she had not read the detailed explanatory email I had sent the day before, so I asked if she had received it, she replied.

"Do they deliver on Sundays?"

Lord help me....

She is still asking

[Tywais]

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[warfie]

At one client's premises they had asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, specifications, everything, just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so I can open an 'outage-ticket'."

Customer: "What's that?"

Tech Support: "That sticker on the front of your computer, with a barcode and the words 'Asset Number'."

Customer: "Ok... fat bar, skinny bar, fat bar, fat bar . . ."

[chrisinth]

My usual reply used to be "a PBCC bug".

Problem Between Chair and Computer.

When that sinks in they tend to be more attentive!

[warfie]

My usual reply used to be "a PBCC bug".

Problem Between Chair and Computer.

When that sinks in they tend to be more attentive!

similar to an "I.D. ten T error"

Don't get it it? write it down..

ID10T

[kevjohn]

Is Windows a Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast,

compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

[warfie]

Is Windows a Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast,

compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

I agree, not a virus, Windows more closely fits the definition of a trojan, by allowing other nasties into the system.

Wikipedia Trojan

[kevjohn]

Is Windows a Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast,

compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

I agree, not a virus, Windows more closely fits the definition of a trojan, by allowing other nasties into the system.

Wikipedia Trojan

They certainly do try to allow these nasties, like the South Africans trying to get into my bank account, but I fixed them.

I took all my money out of the bank and put it under my pillow. Now I have to contend with all the South African tooth fairies......