I've read the thread about living with your Thai husband in the country - well we're in the city so I thought I'd start a new thread. I'm a lurker by the way - I read this forum a lot but haven't posted before. I'll give some background to my story and I tend to write loads with too much detail so apologies in advance!

I met my husband in London - he came to stay with family in London and we started dating - within a few years we were married and had a son. I'm 11 years older than him (I'm 39 he's 28) and despite the age gap things have worked out ok as we are still happy with the same things - he was happy to get married and have a kid (he's now 5) and I still like to go out and have fun. We have our ups and downs and are both quite fiery but most of the time it is fine.We had a business in the UK but it didn't work out well because of the recession and luckily we were able to sell it. He worked hard in the business and we didn't earn much, which I appreciate, but on the positive side we have a nice house - I had a flat before we met and when the business was doing ok and we had our son we moved into a house.

When we sold the business I suggested moving to Thailand as we hadn't been back for ages (which was hard on him) and I thought it was worth giving it a try when our son was still young. I'd been to his city before on holiday (city in Isaan) so knew roughly what I was in form and to be fair, like most of Thailand things have improved over the last 5-10 years and now I can get nearly everything I want (eg food, cosmetics, internet access) and as someone on the 'married in the country' thread said I am spoilt as years ago when people came here their life was much more difficult (ie the difference between their country was greater). I said we should try for a year or two as I didn't want to live here forever and he seemed quite happy with that.

Now we have been here a while and although things are fine, our life is not any better here than it would be in the UK. In fact it is probably worse in the long term as it would be much easier for us both to work in the UK and I could get a good salary. He wants to start a business here but we have been here 6 months and nothing has happened - there is always some reason and I think he has just (unsurprisingly) settled back into a Thai way of life - fine but if the business doesn't work out I don't want to stay here. We've spent all the money we had from selling the business and UK credit cards are nearly full again - even though it';s cheaper here I feel like I have no money. I have said to him that I want to go back to the UK next year, and that I would maybe stay longer if things get better (if the business goes well - and he also wants to buy a house) but if they don't I would go back after a year here. Sometimes he has made comments like he would be happy back in the UK now he has spent some time here but when I asked him directly he said no he doesn't want to go back even if things don't get better. I know Thai culture is different and it may be that I asked at the 'wrong time' or in the 'wrong way' and also that sometimes people say stuff but it doesnt actually happen (so many times here he has asked me if we can do something and I have said no which has led to an argument when actually in the end for another reason we didn't do the thing anyway so I would have been better saying yes. I so my best to understand the culture but it's still hard for me to say yes to things I don't want to do.

My reasons for wanting to go back??

1) Virtually no western women here (as in many places) so I only have one friend (not English speaker) here and can't see that changing much even if I stay here forever - fine for a while but I can't live like that forever. In London there are loads of Thais (male/female/young/old) so it was easier for him to make friends (which he did)

2) Our son's future. There are some good things about being in Thailand with kids but on the whole (and it's hard to speak to him about this as I have to be careful not to insult his country) I don't want my son to be brought up here - it might be a bit different in Bangkok and the tourist areas but here we are real outsiders and our son gets noticed a lot for the colour of his skin, as do I (even if it's usually positive) - in London no-one notices my husband's colour and definitely not our son's. The corruption is funny when you are a tourist but not so funny when you are raising a child - makes me realise how much I value fairness and equality. The inability to say no and interference from family if I want our son to not eat junk food, play computer games for hours or go to bed at a decent time. I'm not a health freak but think that these things should be limited - for the Thai family there are no limits so I find it hard to relax sometimes when he is with them. I think it's very different for western women here - western men (apologies for sterotype but it's a general observation) are probably happy for their Thai wives to bring up the kids more 'Thai style' but as in most families the woman is the main carer I think it's harder for a western woman to let other people dictate how to bring up the kids - anyone else feel this??

3) Our future. In the longer term I think we will have a better life and more money in the UK. Even if we earn half decent money here things still don't work etc etc - it is like going back to the 70s or 80s and why would anyone want to do that when everything functions a lot better in the UK.

I totally understands that he misses his family but feel like I understand his culture a lot (especially since we have been living here this time) and would make even more effort to make him feel at home in London eg make sure he can do the things he likes doing, eat all his fave food etc. I don't think he feels the same about me and thinks that I'm not making enough effort to enjoy myself here (hard with no friends and no money). I like hanging out with his family but sometimes I need my own friends (which he used to say a lot in London so he understands). If we go back I am mroe than happy for him to buy a house or at least some land in Thailand as he wants to have something in his name (which I can understand)

I probably sound like an uptight control freak who can't enjoy myself here but I just feel trapped and pushed into a corner which is making me withdraw more and wish I'd never agreed to come here - if we'd stayed in London after we sold the business we'd probably have half decent jobs there and would have a nice lifestyle by now and be able to afford to come back to Thailand more for holidays. I feel like agreeing to come here for him is ruining my life. He says he's as unhappy in London as I am here but I think he's just saying that as he had friends and a social life in London and even has some family there. He was always happy and it was just the business going badly that really made him (and me ) unhappy in our last years there. Now he has said he doesnt' want to go back we argue all the time and I spend a lot of time crying - I hate arguing around our son so always try to be civil and if we are arguing i 'delay' it until he is at school or in bed,

I'm in tears as I write this as I want to stay to try and enjoy myself here for a year (or maybe a bit more) but I don't see the point if he's never going to go back, I would be better just going back (with our son) now. It might be that if I stay here for a while he will be happy to go back (but he just doesn';t want to think about going back right now) but it's hard to know what he really thinks. We have been through and survived so much together despite the difference in age and culture and I would love is both to have the best of both countries (and for our son to benefit from this) but at the moment I feel so low and negative. We've always resolved our arguments before and are both very loyal (ie never give up even when things are tough) but I feel so strongly about wanting to love back next year that I can;t see how we can resolve this if he doesn't want to.

Help! Any advice or any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be very appreciated!!

Sorry, to say that, but: forget it, leave it (him) behind, and move on.

Wrong country, to live with a Thai man.

"settled back into a Thai way of life -"

Never left this way, only couldn't really go it in London! It's not a fault, it's a DNA thing. He got raised by a Thai, so he is Thai!

All relationships outside 'high,society' I have seen, so far, Farang female/ Thai male, went wrong.

Can you close the eye on the mia noi thing, like Thai ladies can do easily, as long the man provides safety?

Also it will be expected, sooner or later, that you provide all the needed money, for having (him) a good life.

Wrong country to live with a Thai man, sorry!

Infidelity and money are not really my main issues - either of us could be unfaithful here or in London and from a financial point of view he has contributed his fair share (as has his family) and has worked more while I have looked after our son. I am not saying neither could ever be an issue but up to now they haven't been and I am more concerned about the issues I mentioned. Neither of us are hi-so or lo-so we are both from families who didnt have much when we grew up but are both comfortable now and his family have never asked for money - they dont need it and they have given us money since we have been here.

My issues are about bringing kids up here when the mum rather than the dad is western, the differences between what Thai people say and what they mean especially regarding saying yes and no to things (eg in the uk it is acceptable to say no to most things, here it is not). And whether I am being selfish to think that London is a better place to live and to bring up our son because it is more cosmopolitan.

But thanks for trying to help :-)

My issues are about bringing kids up here when the mum rather than the dad is western, the differences between what Thai people say and what they mean especially regarding saying yes and no to things (eg in the uk it is acceptable to say no to most things, here it is not).

One more thing: There is no 'No' in the Thai language!

It's only a 'not yes' (maai chai). And the attitude, to smile ploblems away, instead of solving 'em.

If money isn't a ploblem, and his family is (still) supporting you, check out international schools. But better schools (more western standard) are around 100k (now)-300k(later).

Still the question is, if you can stand some other side effects, of having a much younger Thai husband, living together in 'his' environment.

Sorry for being so 'negative', but as I wrote, I've seen relationships like that (female western, normal social status), in Thailand, going south, before.

btw: Their is a reason, that a lot of western fathers try to get their kids into western countries, to go to school.

Not only, to create a superstar, in a age around 20!

Yes I have definitely learnt to try not to say no here!

Re the infidelity - I am aware that it is an issue that gets raised a lot and I am not arrogant enough to say that it will never happen to me (and being an older woman brings its own insecurities whatever the nationality) but I am just sensible and follow my instincts as I would with any guy - he goes out once or twice a week with friends or family but it's the same if we were in London - either of us could cheat if we were out. Guys and women cheat in every country but there are also guys and women who dont cheat in every country too.

My husband and I can and do discuss our problems and usually resolve them rather than the 'smile and ignore' approach - he was in the UK for 7 years and has picked up and accepted aspects of western culture just as I have regarding Thai culture.

There is no international school where we are - a few 'bilingual' schools here which are 80k per year. Our son is fine there - it's not my idea of one of the most expensive schools in the city but it's fine at this age. I can't see how he will get a good bilingual education here once he gets a bit older.

We chose not to have kids for the very reason that neither of us wanted to move back to the US and unless you are in a city like Bangkok or Chiang Mai then your kid will not be given the best opportunities in life. I believe that if you have kids then you must make certain sacrifices so that they can have the best possible chances in life. Neither one of us was willing to make those sacrifices so we didn't have kids.

Noob sorry but you don't really know what you are talking about, your opinions are based on your experiences and those are not the be-all and end-all of life in Thailand for western women. Or even women married to Thai men who live elsewhere.

So swlondonmum, your husband is going to have to make a hard choice and man up and be a good father or husband or you will have to go it alone, sorry to say. I know many Thai husbands who have "manned up" and done the right thing and many who have not. Only you can know if your husband will make the choices that are in the best interest of his family.

i suggest you get in touch with Boo, she has lived successfully in the UK with her non-hi so isaan husband for many years.

good luck

It sounds like your husband has already made his choice. He wants to stay here in his country.

I can't blame him, life for him is going to be easier here than your country. Being married to a Thai woman and living in her

country does leave something to be desired. Since , I come from Canada and I hate winter I do not want to go back to my country.

I do believe the vast majority of people prefer to live in their home country.

Reading the last paragraph,

it sounds like your not very happy with the situation that you have here. Maybe you should explore a trial

separation. A couple of months apart might help determine if you guys want to continue to be married or move on with your lives.

Which language does your son speak? If he's only speaking Thai, I would think twice about bring him back to the home country.

You said this has been going on for over a year, it does sound like it time to make some decisions.

i suggest you get in touch with Boo, she has lived successfully in the UK with her non-hi so isaan husband for many years.

good luck

sbk, it sounds to me, that the Op did live successfully in the UK, with here husband, too.

Is Boo living, now, happy in isaan,?

The point is, that the husband is in his habitat, now. That makes it more difficult, to do 'the right thing'.

I agree, that their are people be able, to manage this. But the chance is, eh, ya, there is one.

And no, sbk, my 'opinion' is based on the experience of people around me. Some people do not need to repeat mistaks of others, to learn.

Watch, listen, learn. Can be enough.

Mine is too, its still my experience. One successful one is maybe your experience, it is not mine. That is my point, making absolute statements based on your own personal experiences is kind of pointless. Everyone has a different experience. It seems that the OP mirrors ones you have seen, It does not mirror ones I have seen, It is as simple as that.

cheers

Dunno if I'm allowed to post here, not being female, but it sounds to me like now is the time for the action. Book the plane tickets and let him know the flight date. Nothing's gonna change for you here.

I don't know which city you are located so a bit difficult to comment in detail. But firstly "b_llocks" to the comment about ditching your husband just because he's Thai etc etc. Honestly , a person comes to get a bit of thoughtful advice and an extreme diatribe like that comes up as a reply. Not helpful at all.

As a starter you seem to have restricted yourself to two choices; his home town in Isan or back in London. Are there not other choices available such as you could get a job in BKK where he would be closer to home. If you still have a house in UK, are you able to rent it and get some income to give yourself a breathing space.

On a more practical point of view, you seem to have placed yourself in a bit of a rut which can happen anywhere. Probably need a bit of a change or to listen to someone with a different perspective to haul yourself out again.

Keep up the posting, you can always ignore the unhelpful advice.

Everyone's experience is different, it's not all negative. It's the same in every country, everyone's situation is different. But you might get some useful ideas and thoughts along the way.

Edited September 20, 201213 yr by cmsally

Quite apart from the very real cultural differences between you and your husband I think a major stumbling block on the near horizon will be your sons' education. A good education - well, the best affordable - is the best gift a Parent can give any child ..... and you only have one chance at getting it right.

Even an Issan "Bi-lingual" programme will not prepare him for an overseas University place - and if you condemn him to the Thai University system he will definitely not thank you when he is older.

Patrick

Get up get out move on a thai man will not change to suit you.

For your sons sake I think it would be best for all of you to return to the UK unless you can afford to send him private but take a look at the wealthy thais non of there kids do schooling in Thailand so that alone should tell you something. It sounds a bit like your husband has settled back into the thai way of life rather than the rat race of London and I can understand why but I think the missing point is that you both as adults need to think about your son, he has a far better chance of bettering himself if educated in the UK rather than Thailand he should be your number one priority if your husband does not think the same then I think it is time to call it a day he is only 28 you are 30 something do I need to say any more I wish you luck !!!!!!

hi... im sure youve seen my super loooooooooong posts before so here's an other:

as ya'll know, i live on a kibbutz in israel so not in thailand and not in any city, however:

recently met an other older woman with a younger thai boyfriend (the one w/o visa at moment), and we met up first time this past monday holiday (jewish holiday); right away he and hubby were jabbering away, and i was joining in,and she kept bugging me to tell me what they werw saying and asking that we speak in a 'civilized' fashion, like salon conversations. i was wearing a paa sin since we were planning on beach picnic, and we had brought sticky rice and bbq, and the usual neccesities... but everything was sort of a combo of thai style and kibbutz style.

while discussing behavior patterns, the 'thai male' types came up often n the conversation. the guys like to do a lot of 'guy' stuff on their own, hubby is very very korat thai, no matter how long he's been in israel, and other thai men here married to israeli wives also seem to be very much still 'thai' with many behaviors that are very NOT israeli (drinking beer like water, which here is practically a sin; not planning too far in advance, changing plans at last minute w/o discussing with partner, not discussing feelings too much or at all, very much a boys together and women folk do their own thing style.) she says i generalize. however, she afterwards did see various things that did indeed match in her husband to what i had said.

i then asked her if she were willing ot move ever to his small t own in surin.

(she is an artist, world wide, and belongs to israeli bohemia circles, which may also be why she even went for something so exotic as a thai guy, mix marriages here being very difficult things). she said no way. she cant speak the language, isnt interested at all in thai culture, and feels that her husband can 'better himself'. my own impression, and that of hubby, is of a village guy from surin who is perfectly content to still be a village guy from surin living in israel. and fi they were to go to surin, he would be out and about with the guys from dawn to dusk, fishing and living village life. and she would be bored shitless and not enjoy the life.

btw, im sure hubby would do same ('regress to becoming a village thai guy). he does it here. but thats ok with me. it suits me. i have my own things to do, kids from previous are grown up, we had a rough winter last year, things seem to be improving with his learning my language, and also with him meeting other guys with 'farang wives' in the same boat (or hammock) as him to complain and whinge to... and our big problem was my not having kids by him (due to age, and franckly i chose to be resposible due to circumstances here being what they are about mixed marriages, visas, kibbutz life etc.) it seems to have been a mid life crisis thai style.

what im trying to say is, for many of these guys, it is jsut more comfortable easier and somewhat less 'responsibility' when they are in their own home village, since they have the extended family around, they dont have to 'try' to be a different culture (had hubbys' nong here for the three day holiday and my house looks like a thai shack in bannork issaan, kitchen in doors looks like the area around the thai outdoor kitchen, stuff tossed out the door in to the yard, ciggie stubs everywhere around the yard, everything sort of haplap (tossed around, piled up, dishes stacked in piles after being washed haphazardly) , peeing when he wanted to in the neighbor's rose bushes !! cause that is how he lives here also. hubby has learned various and sundry 'rules and regs' but gripes that htere is no 'issalat' here (no freedom to do what he wants wehn he wants how he wants.')

i suspect your husband feels the same.

im ramblign and lost my thread of thought... however the main point was: people go back home and behave the same as before they left home.that is why many of us dont go back home. to not fall in to same behavior pattersn (for good or bad)... your choices really are : go back alone, and try doing the half year here half year there thing (i cant swing that , no money); find other ex pat women in same situation and meet up (like i am doing for hubby here, and it helps him understand me also when they compare notes) so he can also meet up with otehrs in similar situation; find out why he really doesnt want to go back (afraid that ends cant meet and too much responsibility on his shoulders? my husband thinks taking care of me is a main priority and it put a lot of pressure on hm last year,he felt it was 'too much' responsibility even...;

now your husband is in his comfort zone, even if u up and left im not sure it would affect him the same as if it were to happen overseas, so maybe u both have to move away from home, but stay a while in thailand?

sorry, too much rambling while eating a thai taco... but maybe some food for thought...

btw, have managed to find four women with thai husbands that now we can meet up and do bbq and whinge ) and compare notes, i cant tell you how much that helps put htings in persepctive (since we dont have the same situations as others in european cities, here there are no thais anywhere accept for immigrant labourers, no wats, no thai meet ups that dont involve vodka and fights, and israeli only couples dont have the problems we have, both interculturally and intraculturally)...

maybe u should just go away for a week with the child , inside thailand, maybe to one of the expat women here, even , to get away, reaccess, and let hubby get a wake up signal...

bina

israel

we had a similar situation when our son was first born & we came over for a long visit, he reverted back to our pre child days, mates round, lots of booze, staying up all night at the house with his mates over. I left him to it for a couple of days but then put a stop to it, reminded him he was a dad now & there was a time & place but all the time wasn't acceptable. he got stroppy about it so I made it clear that sitting around taking care of baby whilst he got pissed with his mates wasn't an option for me. He got the message & after a couple of nights of living it up with his mates went back to normal mode & we've never had the argument since. The difference maybe is he was in his late 30's & he had lived a lot through his 20's & 30's so realised that socialising with his mates, as fun as it may be, was no substitue for his family.

I don't really buy into the whole thai thing, he is your husband so if you are having issues then it's up to you to let him know what YOU will put up with, then the choice is in his lap. You are his wife & have a say on how your life is lived so my advice is if things are really getting that bad then talk with him & make firm plans to move on if nothing changes within a reasonable timeframe. Is there an option to move somewhere more central, is there a reason you are sticking to his home town?

As for in laws interferring with your child raising, I have no compunction to being a major bitch if people are trying to disrespect me in relation to my child, my job is to make sure he is well & safe, if I upset someone in the process I really don't care

That said, I love my in laws & they are nothing but helpful & kind & love my son but some of the ideas esp about bedtimes & sweet food limits do not mesh with mine & that's when I put my foot down but in general we have no problems.

One of the reasons we haven't moved back to thaialnd full time is our son. Money, when you are just a couple is less important than when a kid/s is involved. We would both move back tomorrow, to Issan where I want to live, but lack of money & job prospects keeps us in london, of course mr boo would prefer to be near his friends & family but he will stay in UK for as long as it takes, even forever is it is to the benefit of our son & that is how it should be.

It could be that your husband is just enjoying being home a bit too much but if he is not listening to you & what you & your son need & especially if you are building debt by staying in thailand, then a serious conversation about your future as a family

unit needs to be had.

Good luck with whatever happens & welome to the forum.

He is a lucky man because he has a wife that loves him and wants to improve the family situation.

He isn't working, but living the good life from family savings.

If he was a foreign man and his wife was Thai, he would not be able to secure a marriage visa

to live here in Thailand.

It shouldn't be difficult to find a job, he needs to help support his family.

He needs to get his priorities adjusted and if he doesn't change, then you know things

will continue to be the same.

A fair bit depends on what you're qualified to do vs what you can do legally here. Just from reading it seems like you're trying to resuscitate your life so it seems strange to rush back to something comfortable and known on the assumption that you'll find work and be the couple you were. No problem going to the UK (if that's what's needed) but the mentality is wrong - always strive to move forwards. The UK should be a next step not a backwards regression.

Did you honestly commit to being here with him beyond getting on the plane? I don't see it in the snapshot you've given us (i appreciate the need to summarise) so genuinely would like you to have a long hard look and think about that. Is it possible that you've been overwhelmed by taking on too much change, ie city to country, west to east, familiar support group to non familiar and are now dealing with it in a collective Thailand bad, UK good way rather than addressing individual sectors and managing them as part of a time line?

Education.

I have no problem sending my toddler to a very respected bilingual school but then I'm comforted with the level of education in both our language, morals, etiquette and culture from home plus once she has that secure grounding and foundation it will be off to either UK or Australia where we have family for "finishing". That said we plan on being here rather than UK for retirement.

Grandparents.

Once it got to a certain point I told the grandparents that I love the love but dislike the lack of structure. If they cannot accept she is a child of 2 cultures then I will find, train and pay for a nanny who will. I think the idea of paying unnecessary money to a stranger was more abhorrent than anything else. Just because their culture doesn't have a NO doesn't mean they get to act spoilt.

Husband.

Husband training isn't that hard and I can't give away man secrets but c'mon we're completely less complicated than we like to think. We're pretty much part child, part pet, part idiot and part hero. Play with us, stroke us, be patient in educating us and give us heroic tasks to perform - Ok I'm semi joking as everyone is different and a couple is different squared! Take him away from the environment and have The Talk.

Financial.

No easy answer here but maybe working somewhere more touristy may help. Phuket, Pattaya, Bangkok, Chiang Mai all have international schools and support networks of maids, nannies etc. Find a job then work out if you're moving alone and commuting weekends or he comes and finds work too. Let him know that you're looking out of courtesy and fairness.

On a tablet so can't scroll back and check your post but understand there are no judgements in my post, I'm just trying to offer an alternative perspective which I hope was helpful.

Sent from Android, please excuse errors in type or judgement.

I would probably consider somewhere else in Thailand or a regional country where you could be more comfortable and form support networks, where you would have a better choice of education for your son, put some distance between you and the in-laws and your hubby could see if he can make a go of working and supporting his family in Thailand. I love my Isaan in-laws and love our house up there but could never live there for all the reasons outlined above, but primarily education (my daughter is in high school & doesn't speak enough Thai to go to a local school).

We lived in Bangkok with regular visits to Isaan and found it worked very well for us. However hubby was not able to find a decent-paying job and my contract finished, so ultimately we came back to Australia after 4.5 years, where we are both happy. We have a great house, I have gone back to my job and hubby has been studying full-time. It sounds like your husband is very adaptable, after all he lived in the UK and it sounds like he quite enjoyed it, so perhaps a move within Thailand or regionally would not be such a big stretch.

We haven't come across the hubby-partying-with-his-friends aspect yet but he's just gone back for his first visit, so I would expect a certain amount of celebration. Then again he's in his late 30s and a bit past the party-boy age and his father still keeps a tight rein on him, so maybe not! We'll see, when daughter & I get back to Thailand next week.

Thanks for all the responses, it's helpful to have a wide range of opinions even the ones I don't agree with, to keep things in perspective. Fortunately within a few hours of me posting the argument was all over and things are back to normal. To be honest I think I have been feeling a bit unsettled and also reality has hit that I don't have much of a support network in terms of my own friends (difficult to get out of Bangkok and the tourist areas) and whereas I can normally handle disagreement I was really freaked out by his refusal to consider going back to the UK full for reasons such as our son's education (which many people have raised) let alone if things didn't work out financially.

Anyway it is just his way (normally it's not this bad!)- the sulking and refusing to lose face - yesterday he said that we would go back within the next few months if we didn't have enough money here. On my part I agreed to make a bit more effort to enjoy myself and settle in even if I know I'm not going to be here forever (as someone who replied pointed out I haven't commited myself to much more than my plane ticket here - guilty as charged!).

Funnily enough I also read a comment on another thread from a western guy saying his wife sulked for days and held things in then blew up over seemingly trivial things then he was always the first to say sorry - I felt like I was reading a description of my husband! We just had different perspectives - I needed to know we would go home one day whereas he said he just didn't want to even speak about going home yet - which is fair enough. I am just a long term planner like many westerners whereas he like many Thais doesn't think that far ahead.

And he is not a complete waster (I probably gave the wrong impression) - he worked really hard in the UK for years and was probably has some bad memories (we were close to bankruptcy at one point) so probably needs a bit of time around friends and family to re-charge! He's trying to start a few businesses here and workds with his mum a few days a week (for not bad money) so he is bringing in money. Apart from that he did like London and I think he would be happy to move there again - he just doesnt want to speak about it right now.

We're off out soon but I'll have a proper read through of the replies later but thanks again! Hopefully my future posts will be a bit more calm and rational

Thanks for the update - glad you're working through it and hope you get to the other side intact...

Sent from Android, please excuse errors in type or judgement.

...One more thing: There is no 'No' in the Thai language!...It's only a 'not yes' (maai chai)...

MAI ไม่ can be used for 'no' in Thai

eg

You could answer ไม่ครับ if someone asked if you wanted a beer or your room cleaned.

...One more thing: There is no 'No' in the Thai language!...It's only a 'not yes' (maai chai)...

MAI ไม่ can be used for 'no' in Thai

eg

You could answer ไม่ครับ if someone asked if you wanted a beer or your room cleaned.

How many Thais using only a simple mai (khaa/krap), to say 'No'?

I learned, the mai is always used, with the 'reason' for the 'not'.

Not yes, not hungry, not pretty, no(t) have, not want, not give, .....

But maybe I got taught wrong things! And I hear around always only Thais not knowing how to talk in their language. ;-)

เข้าใจไหม

Edited September 22, 201213 yr by noob7

...One more thing: There is no 'No' in the Thai language!...It's only a 'not yes' (maai chai)...

MAI ไม่ can be used for 'no' in Thai

eg

You could answer ไม่ครับ if someone asked if you wanted a beer or your room cleaned.

Well, you could but it's not really polite or proper - especially for a Farang.

To refuse an offer of a Beer or a suggestion to make up your room one would normally say ไม่ต้องครับ .

(One could also say ไม่เอาครับ but I was always taught to avoid using "เอา" as being a tad impolite).

Patrick .

I was told by native Thai speakers that you could use both eg ไม่ครับ and ไมเอาครับ

A couple of examples from .thai-language.com:

ไม่ครับ ผมเพิ่งกินข้าวมาเมื่อกี้นี้เอง - No, thanks. I just ate a little while ago.

ไม่ครับขอบคุณ ผมเพิ่งจะกินข้าวเมื่อกี้นี้เอง อิ่มมาก - No, thanks. I just finish eating a moment ago

http://www.thai-language.com/id/131129

[apologies to the OP for derailing the thread!].

I was told by native Thai speakers that you could use both eg ไม่ครับ and ไมเอาครับ

A couple of examples from .thai-language.com:

ไม่ครับ ผมเพิ่งกินข้าวมาเมื่อกี้นี้เอง - No, thanks. I just ate a little while ago.

ไม่ครับขอบคุณ ผมเพิ่งจะกินข้าวเมื่อกี้นี้เอง อิ่มมาก - No, thanks. I just finish eating a moment ago

http://www.thai-language.com/id/131129

[apologies to the OP for derailing the thread!].

You're all wrong, since the OP talks about living in Isaan, the correct term is บ่แม่น

lol

We chose not to have kids for the very reason that neither of us wanted to move back to the US and unless you are in a city like Bangkok or Chiang Mai then your kid will not be given the best opportunities in life. I believe that if you have kids then you must make certain sacrifices so that they can have the best possible chances in life. Neither one of us was willing to make those sacrifices so we didn't have kids.

Noob sorry but you don't really know what you are talking about, your opinions are based on your experiences and those are not the be-all and end-all of life in Thailand for western women. Or even women married to Thai men who live elsewhere.

So swlondonmum, your husband is going to have to make a hard choice and man up and be a good father or husband or you will have to go it alone, sorry to say. I know many Thai husbands who have "manned up" and done the right thing and many who have not. Only you can know if your husband will make the choices that are in the best interest of his family.

i suggest you get in touch with Boo, she has lived successfully in the UK with her non-hi so isaan husband for many years.

good luck

Hi sbk,

Yes - the schooling sounds like one of the most important decisions with Thai/farang couples - my husband does agree that it would be good for our son to go back to be educated in the UK and got really concerned a few weeks ago when I said our son had forgotten a few things in English. Tough decision for you guys to have made about not having kids for that reason. I have to say that although we discussed many things before having our son, there were a lot of things that weren't even on the radar such as where we would school our child, especially as we were living in the UK and had no idea we would move back!!

I'm pretty sure he will 'man up' (as mentioned in my follow up post) I think our problem is sometimes our 'arguing style' as it's where we have a big culture clash and it's hard for both of us to change our ways - it's not usually that serious but this time I was soooo frustrated that he refused to speak about the idea of moving back at some point (whereas he was annoyed I was bringing it up so early). I guess it's a problem for many cross-cultural relationships wherever the people are from.

And I'm pretty sure things will work out fine - if not and after a few years here he doesn't want to move then yes I will have to consider my options but I'll worry about that if it happens. Thanks for the help and I will check out Boo sometime - nice to know some women in the UK with Thai husbands as everyone we knew was either a student, or a Thai couple or a white guy and Thai woman. All lovely but nice to know someone in my situation too!

It sounds like your husband has already made his choice. He wants to stay here in his country.

I can't blame him, life for him is going to be easier here than your country. Being married to a Thai woman and living in her

country does leave something to be desired. Since , I come from Canada and I hate winter I do not want to go back to my country.

I do believe the vast majority of people prefer to live in their home country.

Reading the last paragraph,

it sounds like your not very happy with the situation that you have here. Maybe you should explore a trial

separation. A couple of months apart might help determine if you guys want to continue to be married or move on with your lives.

Which language does your son speak? If he's only speaking Thai, I would think twice about bring him back to the home country.

You said this has been going on for over a year, it does sound like it time to make some decisions.

Thanks Mike, I think I was just having a bit of a freak out and it's not that serious for a separation. Our son was born in the UK and speaks both languages. We've only been here 6 months - I've just been feeling a bit unsettled here - it has hit home that I don't have any support here and there are virtually no western women here (I've got some Thai friends but sometimes you just need your own culture - my husband is very aware of this as he had lots of Thai people in London to hang out with - family and friends and work colleagues - and I think he realises it's harder for me to get that here). This and our son's education are the two main reasons I would want to move back. I think the main thing is to enjoy myself while we are here rather than count down the days - at least he will know I've made an effort to enjoy it here. And if he doesn't want to move back in a year or two then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it! Thanks for the opinions anyway - it is good to hear all sides even if I don;t necessarily agree.

I don't know which city you are located so a bit difficult to comment in detail. But firstly "b_llocks" to the comment about ditching your husband just because he's Thai etc etc. Honestly , a person comes to get a bit of thoughtful advice and an extreme diatribe like that comes up as a reply. Not helpful at all.

As a starter you seem to have restricted yourself to two choices; his home town in Isan or back in London. Are there not other choices available such as you could get a job in BKK where he would be closer to home. If you still have a house in UK, are you able to rent it and get some income to give yourself a breathing space.

On a more practical point of view, you seem to have placed yourself in a bit of a rut which can happen anywhere. Probably need a bit of a change or to listen to someone with a different perspective to haul yourself out again.

Keep up the posting, you can always ignore the unhelpful advice.

Everyone's experience is different, it's not all negative. It's the same in every country, everyone's situation is different. But you might get some useful ideas and thoughts along the way.

Yes thanks - it is good to read replies about my actual problem -generalisations can be helpful as a starting point especially when you are new to a culture but at the end of the day you can't lump all Thai guys in the same group any more than it is for all Thai women (or anyother group) - you have to get to know people as individuals too.

To be honest I wanted to come to his home city as much as he did - he has a lot of family here and if we were somewhere with no family it would probably be the worst of both worlds and we'd both be unhappy. We haven't ruled it out but our original plan was to come here for a year or two then go back to the UK (the length of time depending on how well things were going here)

We do rent out the UK house (in my name) but there's not a lot extra on top of the mortgage costs - at least it's paying off the mortgage while we're here.

i think reading the wide range of comments here has given me a bit of a kick up the bum to make more effort to enjoy myself here so hopefully things will change in a positive way