TOP 5 SMART ARSE ANSWERS FOR 2005, According to Reader's Digest:

Smart Arse Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Arse Answer #4:

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead."

Smart Arse Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Arse Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND

NOW.......FOR THE..........BEST ONE..#1 SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

2005 .

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles

knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Excellent

*golf clap*

Superb, esp. Numbers 2 & 1. Rating: 5 stars.

BTW, I think this section of the forum is where the Rating feature is probably most applicable...

An ex-hockey goon I used to work with once told me I was fat while we were all having our lunch break.

I replied

" I can still decide tomorrow to lose the weight within a few months but you'll die with that monkey face of yours for sure."

Total silence... He could not reply to that and the other guys, well, they just thought I was going to get a beating.

My God your'e Ugly.........said the Man to his Wife

and you're Drunk said the woman

Ah but I'll be sober in the moning!!!

Nowhere near as funny as the others, but the only one I could think of

My God your'e Ugly.........said the Man to his Wife

and you're Drunk said the woman

Ah but I'll be sober in the moning!!!

Nowhere near as funny as the others, but the only one I could think of

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill:

"Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

A few more Winston Churchill classics:

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. "

''Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.''

''History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.''

''This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.''

''When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home.''

Many years ago, and I mean 'many', I asked my father for two quid (pounds) as I was going out for the night. He took the 2 notes out of his wallet with the words, "I hope your not going to come home smelling of alcohol" I answered "Well in that case you better give me 2 pounds and 5 pence so I can get a pack of polo mints". He laughed so hard he actually gave me another quid.

My God your'e Ugly.........said the Man to his Wife

and you're Drunk said the woman

Ah but I'll be sober in the moning!!!

Nowhere near as funny as the others, but the only one I could think of

Attributed to Winston Churchill

My God your'e Ugly.........said the Man to his Wife

and you're Drunk said the woman

Ah but I'll be sober in the moning!!!

Nowhere near as funny as the others, but the only one I could think of

Attributed to Winston Churchill

Bugger, not long after I posted it I realised it was a WC retort. (Having seen it elsewhere on the forum) .. But it was TOO LATE to edit it

Ah well <deleted> still funny

My God your'e Ugly.........said the Man to his Wife

and you're Drunk said the woman

Ah but I'll be sober in the moning!!!

Nowhere near as funny as the others, but the only one I could think of

Attributed to Winston Churchill

Bugger, not long after I posted it I realised it was a WC retort. (Having seen it elsewhere on the forum) .. But it was TOO LATE to edit it

Ah well <deleted> still funny

Can anyone actually confirm wher this came from? I have heard W C Fields, Groucho Marx, and Winston Chuchill? Anyone?

Best reply from a smoker asked to put ouit their cig (in a smoking area) by an annoying anti-smoking person.

"My gandfather lived to be 103 years old"

"oh, was he a smoker too."

"No, he minded his own f***ing business."

Another Winston classic.... A lady to a sozzled churchill...." Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison you". " Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it".

regards

Best reply from a smoker asked to put ouit their cig (in a smoking area) by an annoying anti-smoking person.

"My gandfather lived to be 103 years old"

"oh, was he a smoker too."

"No, he minded his own f***ing business."

I guess I'll have a ciggie on this

:D