It's Not Unreasonable To Look After The Thai In-Laws!

[nietzche]

My parents are in their 60's. They both have said that they will never retire because they would not know what to do with their time. (Both are doctors).

This is a consequence of working hard all of your life.

They do not need to worry about finances as they have saved and lived responsibly all of their lives. (unlike so many Thai's who squander money on items they cannot afford).

My parents have a very large combined income for the U.S., but I don't think my dad's ever owned a watch or a pair of shoes that cost more than $100 dollars.

The U.S. is not renowned for taking care of the old are sick either. That's why from an early age I was taught to get educated and save.

You cannot rely on other people to take care of you in your old age. I would not want nor expect it.

Back home I see elderly in their 70's, etc. who still work. I think for those westerners who are younger (like myself) the idea of retirement no longer exists.

Since the age of 18, I don't think a month has went by when I didn't put some money (no matter how small) in my savings account.

Edited October 14, 2012 by nietzche

[yourauntbob]

Every situation is different. Helping out is one thing, being the sole provider is another, and being responsible for providing them with every "at the moment it would be nice to have" is out of the question. I think many foreigners are turned off when they feel their being taken advantage of. That being said, if you truly want to be part of her family then you need to step up and be part of the family.

[macksview]

The Thai husbands of my wife's sisters never gave the parents in law anything (when they were alive) so nor did I.

I'd help out cleaning up the yard, painting the house or running them into town, or might now & then give them a thousand to go to the markets/shopping or whatever.

I've always felt a little sorry for my niece though (she's still an in-law, right?). She has had to grow up seeing her 'rich' (lol) same-age luk kreung cousins turn up once a year with the latest model mobile phone in hand and the trendiest of clothes on while she had virtually nothing and probably even less to look forward to. We are currently putting her through uni .... and we feel good about it.

that is the only type of sponsorship i agree with, supporting an inlaw through university, if she uses this chance you have given her, you have indeed done a fine thing.

[daftpunker]

How much older are you guys than your inlaws? Do you wai them or do they wai you? How does that work?

i say a simple hello im not thai so i dont wai as you call it.

[robblok]

The Thai husbands of my wife's sisters never gave the parents in law anything (when they were alive) so nor did I.

I'd help out cleaning up the yard, painting the house or running them into town, or might now & then give them a thousand to go to the markets/shopping or whatever.

I've always felt a little sorry for my niece though (she's still an in-law, right?). She has had to grow up seeing her 'rich' (lol) same-age luk kreung cousins turn up once a year with the latest model mobile phone in hand and the trendiest of clothes on while she had virtually nothing and probably even less to look forward to. We are currently putting her through uni .... and we feel good about it.

that is the only type of sponsorship i agree with, supporting an inlaw through university, if she uses this chance you have given her, you have indeed done a fine thing.

Those are good things helping people so they can provide for themselves later. This is so much better as giving money every month, this would make them independent, some sponsors might not like that as now they have no power anymore.

I believe in helping people to help themselves.

[Pormax]

I am with the OP. I am in a fortunate position financially where I can help my wife's parents. Though they have three sons and 4 daughters the whole family are, even to Thai standards relatively poor, being rice farmers. Most of them have loans and with the exception of the occassional meal do not help their parents. We have invited them to eat with us but they insist in cooking their own rice and bring to the house. My wife and I give them 3,000B a month which they are delighted with. They help us in their own way with Papa making things for the house and garden (he is 75) and Mama helps with the cooking. I don't give my wife a monthly allowance, but she gets what she wants (most of the time) and always asks before spending money. My wife helps me to make money so in a way by helping her parents and buying the occassional piece of clothing for her neices and nephews I am thanking her for the contribution.

Before we came to live here nobody celebrated their birthdays, in fact most of them did not know their date of birth. Now we buy presents for the family on their birthdays and host a family paty for the New Year. Some things in England we take for granted do not happen here.

Non of the family asks for money, they know better because that was explained before we got married. if we want to help we will but please do not ask. My wife's sisters and brothers borrow money from my wife and pay her interest every month. The interest charged to direct family is a lot lower than say for a cousin or for what they can borrow elsewhere, so we help out that way but there is no charity.

I think as long as you set the rules early then there is no problems. When we go to the town market (25kms away) on Sundays the adults all give 40B towards the cost of running my pick-up. We never asked but they give.

Even with what little we give the parents their lives have increased for the better by a considerably amount.

Good to see so many positive replies from the OP.

So what makes you think people who dont want to giv money are not in position financially to do/Thats mpt the point it is you nitwit.

I did NOT say that people who don't want to give money are not in a financial position to do so, that is the perogitive of each individual.

I said I was in the fortunte position to do so. I except there are some who would may like to help out if they could but financially not able to do so.

AS**OLE

[pigeonjake]

here we go, another thred gone bad

[cmsally]

Family values is what it's all about mate! That's why the western man and the Thai women hit it off so well. They have the same outlook on life that has been lost to many a western woman and Thai men. I'm not stereo typing everyone, just pointing out that in most incidences relationships can work very well if people are of the same mindset to begin with.

How on earth could it be that Thai men and women grow up with completely different values. And hey presto Western men and women grow up with completely different values while each comes from the same society. I think you basically have just tried to stereotype everybody whilst patting yourself on the back.

[rsokolowski]

hi chang,

you know my feelings on this, im with you,

it dosnt cost a fortune to take care of them, my wifes grandperents are still in good health bless them and are very good people,

when we go shoping ill often put in extra chicken/pork ect for them, they never ask,

but im not going to be sitting in my house eating great food, and know they are in there house eating whatever they can find,

i my eyes its respect for them, there a great old couple, grandpa makes me allsorts out of bamboo,if i say i need some chicken baskets, for the hens to lay in, there they are,

there a lovely old couple and im glad im in that family with them,

jake

Jake you are a wise man.

Several years before I ever thought of marriage to a Thai girl I was talking to a friend of mine here in Hawaii that had married very nice Thia woman. He told me that if I married a girl from Thailand to expect to support the parents as it is Thai custom. It was very good advice. I never thought that sending $100-$200 USD a month (when we could afford it) was a burden. I feel that my inlaws in Thailand are a part of my extended family, just as I would if i was married to someone from the USA.

If you can help to support the parents (to the extent that you can), it will often help the relationship with your wife as she will feel more at ease being that her family is taken care of.

You have a good heart, my wife says that you are a good man. I would like to sit down sometime with you and drink a couple of cold beers. I wish you the best.

Roy

[lovelomsak]

I was always told charity begins at home. With that in mind I help my future inlaws without them asking. They are farmers and have all the rice and veggies they need. The gf and I simply buy fish,pork,chicken and assorted other things to simply give them a varied diet. I help with doctor visits and costs there.My future father inlaw is 87 years old and is up by 5 every morning and working,be it making charcoal for the family (carries all the wood himself)or planting veggies and hand making rice cooker baskets for selling.He works all day. When we go to see him he stops work to talk to us and goes back to work when we leave. This guy will deprieve himself of simple pleasures so as his grandchildren can have sweets. I will help him anyway he needs me too.I only hope to be half the man he is when I am his age.So his family is my family.

[pigeonjake]

hi roy,

thank you for your coments,

im far from wise,,,lol

im 52 i still work hard for our future, the pig farm does ok but i want to have a good nest egg,

i dont take care of my wifes mama and papa, well mama gets some because she helps with the pig farm, and they are both young enough to work and earn there own money like i do,

its granma and grandpapa i help,

it costs me nothing, i just put extra chicken in the bag and extra pork, some eggs from the farm and veg from my garden,,

i mean bloody hell it costs me more in dog food for my dogs,

they have made me feel welcome and to me that is what familys are all about,,

i dont want to de-rail changs thred,

but there was a tred on here the other week were someone i cant remember there name, was saying bad things about, thai girls,(his words splayed toed, dark skind, farm monkeys)

thats what some think on here, my wife is a dark skind farm girl and she can pick things up with her toes,,lol, and i love her with all my heart,

its all about what you make of your life here in thailand, i dont live here full time as its been pointed out to me by other members because i work away,, but never mind,

but my thai family mean to me just as much as my british family, am i being soft,, i dont think so, others might sday i am, but at the end of the day it is my choice what i do with my life,

im 52 and i can do my own thinking,

sorry for going on,,lol,

jake,

roy pm me and well meet for a drink not a problem,

best wishes to you both

[shaggy1969]

Fair play to you chang,pigeonjake and all the other guys that are helping out in whatever way you can.

If the money can be missed then what the hell is the harm in making the older members in the family feel a little special?

[Pormax]

Fair play to you chang,pigeonjake and all the other guys that are helping out in whatever way you can.

If the money can be missed then what the hell is the harm in making the older members in the family feel a little special?

Could not agree more. Giving 9of your own free will) is so much more pleasurable than taking.

[pigeonjake]

my wifes grandma was giving us 2 rai of land good land never been paddy, family land,

but i said to the wife we,ll give her some money,

so we gave her 50,000bht so the old girl for once in her life could have a bank book and money in the bank,

do you know she cryed when we did that for her, and my wife still looks after that bank book,,,lol,

grandma says she dosnt know what to do with it,

jake

[GuestHouse]

I wonder how these people got by before the Farang Son-In-Law turned up dishing out the cash?

Free money, whether Welfare, Charity or Largesse comes with hooks attached...... at both ends of the line.

[macksview]

I wonder how these people got by before the Farang Son-In-Law turned up dishing out the cash?

Free money, whether Welfare, Charity or Largesse comes with hooks attached...... at both ends of the line.

father in law has his pension, he certainly never needed a farangs money.

[billd766]

I have known my wife for 19 years and been married to her for 12 of them.

I know that both before we married and afterwards she helped her parents out and I had and still have no problems with that.

I am 68 and my wife is 47, her Mum is 67 and her Dad is 73 or 74 I think.

All the time I was working we used to give them about 6,000 baht a month and about a year after I retired we stopped that as I didn't have enough income wasn't to spare as I was spending it on our son's education.

We used to live in BKK but moved up to near the Mae Wong national park 8 years ago and now live on 14 rai.

Her Dad still lives in Bang Na, Bangkok and lokks after my wifes younger brother who is a small basket case and also looks after his granddaught who is going to Uni in BKK.

Her Mum lives with us in a small house about 20 metres from our house and we look after her needs and she does whatever she can and wants to do.

Her Dad comes up here to us a couple of times a year and her Mum goes to BKK once a year.

As far as I am concerned They are both welcome to stay as long as they wish.

As for those poor unfortunate souls out there who get a bit humpty when farangs spend money on or give money to their wives/girlfriends parents I feel sorry for you as you don't know what you are missing.

[rsokolowski]

hi roy,

thank you for your coments,

im far from wise,,,lol

im 52 i still work hard for our future, the pig farm does ok but i want to have a good nest egg,

i dont take care of my wifes mama and papa, well mama gets some because she helps with the pig farm, and they are both young enough to work and earn there own money like i do,

its granma and grandpapa i help,

it costs me nothing, i just put extra chicken in the bag and extra pork, some eggs from the farm and veg from my garden,,

i mean bloody hell it costs me more in dog food for my dogs,

they have made me feel welcome and to me that is what familys are all about,,

i dont want to de-rail changs thred,

but there was a tred on here the other week were someone i cant remember there name, was saying bad things about, thai girls,(his words splayed toed, dark skind, farm monkeys)

thats what some think on here, my wife is a dark skind farm girl and she can pick things up with her toes,,lol, and i love her with all my heart,

its all about what you make of your life here in thailand, i dont live here full time as its been pointed out to me by other members because i work away,, but never mind,

but my thai family mean to me just as much as my british family, am i being soft,, i dont think so, others might sday i am, but at the end of the day it is my choice what i do with my life,

im 52 and i can do my own thinking,

sorry for going on,,lol,

jake,

roy pm me and well meet for a drink not a problem,

best wishes to you both

Jake,,

Don't put yourself down. You are wise and have common sense. Common sense is not all that commmon and it is wisdom, don't cut yourself short. Every situation is different, but if your inlaws are decent people and you can provide a bit of support it is a good thing. If you feel they are taking advantage of you it is a different situation. I think we are saying that it depends on your situation. If I felt for one minute I was being taken advantage of I would not want to give any money.

I have a good job here in Hawaii, and 3000-5000 baht a month when I can afford a bit of support, it is not a burden for us but it helps a lot. My father in law is 90 years old with some mmedical issues, and my mother in law is 82 years old. I am almost 50 years old and will be retiring to Isaan in a couple of years. I am lucky that I will be able to continue to provide after I retire. Everyone is different, and it is OK to do what you think is right.

Help if you are able and feel like you want to help. If you cannot help or do not want to help, it is up to you. Every situation is different and you have to make the call for yourself.

Cheers,

Roy

[pigeonjake]

you got it,, they got by,, very wise of you,

but if i can help them get by a little easyer then thats what ill do,

you do what you want to do in your life and ill do what i do in my life,

you seam to be the wisest of the wise your the one who says i dont live in thailand,

you know more about me then i do,

do you know what family means to me,??

everything, i was adopted at 13months old, i know about family having one and not having one, the feeling of not belonging,

you might be very lucky and never felt that,

but please dont knock people that want to be part of there wifes family,

jake

[rsokolowski]

I wonder how these people got by before the Farang Son-In-Law turned up dishing out the cash?

Free money, whether Welfare, Charity or Largesse comes with hooks attached...... at both ends of the line.

father in law has his pension, he certainly never needed a farangs money.

Even if my wife was an American, if her parents were poor I would help if I was able as long as they were not abusing drugs or alcohol.

[daftpunker]

you got it,, they got by,, very wise of you,

but if i can help them get by a little easyer then thats what ill do,

you do what you want to do in your life and ill do what i do in my life,

you seam to be the wisest of the wise your the one who says i dont live in thailand,

you know more about me then i do,

do you know what family means to me,??

everything, i was adopted at 13months old, i know about family having one and not having one, the feeling of not belonging,

you might be very lucky and never felt that,

but please dont knock people that want to be part of there wifes family,

jake

[Bangkokhatter]

well if i make you sick,, fell free to take your self off and be sick,

you maybe havnt got the money to help

i have got the money but as i said why should i give it.What a stupid comment you have made.stop giving your gf inlaws money and see what happens then.

Why don.t you read his comments properly, he does not give his in-laws money, and even if he did it what business is it of yours ?

[daftpunker]

well if i make you sick,, fell free to take your self off and be sick,

you maybe havnt got the money to help

i have got the money but as i said why should i give it.What a stupid comment you have made.stop giving your gf inlaws money and see what happens then.

Why don.t you read his comments properly, he does not give his in-laws money, and even if he did it what business is it of yours ?

its a forum bangkok hatter hes talking about it on here.Go back to bed.

[pigeonjake]

daftplunker,,

just show what you are,,, you and your mates, im going to like whatever he puts,,lol

enjoy japan, im wondering what you will find wrong with that place, if they dont find you out first and send you packing

[daftpunker]

jake u would not last one minute in japan theres no issan women

[Geekfreaklover]

Any parent who quite happily sends their daughter to work spreading her legs in Pattaya while sitting back in Isaan drinking lao kow and waiting for the money to arrive at the PO is not a parent in my humble opinon and shouldn't be given a pension scheme by the gullible farang that married her,

But of course this is Thai Visa, all our spouses are rich high-society folks whose parents have never worked through circumstance of rich breeding and inheritage and we give money meerly as a token of our respect and gratitude.

[daftpunker]

Any parent who quite happily sends their daughter to work spreading her legs in Pattaya while sitting back in Isaan drinking lao kow and waiting for the money to arrive at the PO is not a parent in my humble opinon and shouldn't be given a pension scheme by the gullible farang that married her,

But of course this is Thai Visa, all our spouses are rich high-society folks whose parents have never worked through circumstance of rich breeding and inheritage and we give money meerly as a token of our respect and gratitude.

[CharlieH]

Well I'm probably gonna get flamed or piss*d on or whatever, but in my opinion, if you have the means, you have the ability to help a senior family member and you then choose not to, that's just plain bloody selfish in my book, and even worse is if you think their are other motives or "hooks" then frankly I think you are very sad and should be pitied for having that view and finding yourself in that situation, just because you may have been the victim, dont automatically assume everyone else is or will be one too, that you contemplate there are ulterior motives, then perhaps you should be looking more closely at your own mistakes, decisions and attitude and wonder if its those very same attributes that's bringing you the grief and sour attitude that makes you want to pull down anyone who actually is making a happy life for themselves and their families in Thailand.

Personally I wouldnt find it anything to brag about to say I dont help do this or that, we all know you are the Lord and master and no one can tell you what to do, but dont mock those that actually care a little more about others than just themselves.

Edited October 14, 2012 by CharlieH

[taninthai]

I have to work hard for my money so am not in the habit of giving it away ,coupled with the fact the misses mum has passed away and her dad has 3 sons and 2 daughters to take care of him they don't need my money in fact I'd probably say the thai family has more money than me anyway and I never see them offering to give me money every month.

Little story for you last month expat friend came round with his wife,his wife and mine went out to salon why we chatted for a few hours ,later when it's just me and the misses the misses says ah so and so is really good he is giving his wife 20,000 bht a month I nearly spat my food out the husband had told me earlier in the day his misses was crying needed money to help her sister so he obliged.

Edited October 14, 2012 by taninthai

[ARISTIDE]

If the Thai wife wants you to pay for her parents and brothers meaning she is probably just using you!