Disorder In The Court.

[Chopper]

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court", things people actually say in court, word for word....

LAWYER: What is your date of birth?

DEFENDANT: July fifteenth.

LAWYER: What year?

DEFENDANT: Every year.

LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

DEFENDANT: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis... Does it affect your memory at all?

DEFENDANT: Yes.

LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

DEFENDANT: I forget.

LAWYER: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

LAWYER: How old is your son - the one living with you.

DEFENDANT: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

LAWYER: How long has he lived with you?

DEFENDANT: Forty-five years.

LAWYER: And where was the location of the accident?

DEFENDANT: Approximately milepost 499.

LAWYER: And where is milepost 499?

DEFENDANT: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involvedin voodoo or the occult?

WITNESS: We both do.

LAWYER: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

LAWYER: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

WITNESS: Yes, sir.

LAWYER: What did she say?

WITNESS: What disco am I at?

LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?

LAWYER: Did he kill you?

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?

LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?

LAWYER: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?

LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

LAWYER: Was this a male, or a female?

LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

LAWYER: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

LAWYER: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

LAWYER: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

LAWYER: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

WITNESS: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

LAWYER: You were not shot in the fracas?

WITNESS: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?

WITNESS: There were traces of semen.

LAWYER: Male semen?

WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it,what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

LAWYER: It was covered?

WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.

LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?

WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."

WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: That's right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: "Repeat it".

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."

WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."

CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."

WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."

CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".

WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?

WITNESS: Yes.

CLERK: Well? Do so.

WITNESS: You're confusing me.

CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".

WITNESS: Okay. I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.

WITNESS: What?

CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.

CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."

WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".

WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?

CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?

WITNESS: I did.

LAWYER: And did you observe anything?

WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?

WITNESS: I saw George.

LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?

WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?

WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.

LAWYER: His "thing"?

WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.

LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?

WITNESS: Of course I did!

LAWYER: What did you say to him?

WITNESS: "Morning, George

[stumonster]

WITNESS: "Morning, George

feeding it to the ducks...

[Chopper]

DISCLAIMER: Any of the names mentioned above or descriptions that bear resemblance to posters (especially Admin) is purely coincidental.

[ilyushin]

Chopper really good stuff.