Christmas Jokes

Teacher asks Little Johnny

"Can you name 3 kings who have influenced the festive season?

Johnny's reply

"Drin-King, Smoke-King and Bon-King"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met at the pearly gates by St Peter who said,

"In honour of this Holy Festive Season you must each have in your possession something

that symbolizes Christmas to come into heaven".

The first man, an Englishman. digs into his pockets and comes up with a lighter.

He ficked it on and says "This is a candle"

"You may pass through the pearly gates" said St Peter

Then the Scorsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of keys.

Giving them a shake he says "These are bells"

"You may pass through the pearly gates" said St Peter.

Next it was the Irish man and he was desperately searching through all his pockets

and eventually pulled out a pair of womens knickers.

With a raised eyebrow St Peter asked "And how do those symbolize Christmas?"

Paddy says' These are Carol's"

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to spoil your festivities but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing,45 years of misery is enough"

"Dad, what are you talking about" sreamed the son down the phone.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says

"we are sick of each other and I am sick of talking about this any more so you can phone your sister in Leeds and tell her"

Frantically the son calls his sister who explodes on the phone "Like hell they are getting divorced" she screamed

"I'll take care of this and call you back"

She frantically calls Scotlandand when her Father answered she screams at him,

"You are NOT getting a divorce. Do not do a single thing until I get there.

I am calling my brother back and we will both be there tommorrow.

Don't do a single thing until we get there, do you understand?"

Without waiting for a reply she slams the phone down.

The old man puts the phone down and turns to his wife,

"It's sorted, they are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way"