Getting Engaged - Giving Gold To Parent "normal"?

ericthai · May 12, 2013

It's one of those things foreigners never get to understand... until one day...

It's really easy to look at it in the disgusted way, because back home, we don't do that. but that does not mean it's wrong. you just need to understand learn its motivations and why it is like that.

At first I was like <deleted>? I will never give money before marrying. after living for a while in very typical thai homes, I started to understand more... I've talked to very honest and good heart people, and they explained to me.

You giving money to her parents is way of providing trust and appreciation, not because they want to sell their daughter (but some do), but because you believe their parents are worth it.

Sometimes the money even comes back to you after a few years, they buy land or property for the couple. Once they have settled a trust.

Every marriage I have been witnessed in so many years living here it happens.

From 300,000 baht small poor families, up to 5 million baht for those quite rich people.

It's just the culture, if you are willing to marry a Thai woman, you have to understand and accept her country culture. The same goes for her when she moves to your country.

Edit:

I don't mean that there are no scams. It's true that because you are foreigner, they will expect a lot more money... But the same happens when a rich Thai guy marries a girl. One guy that I knew paid 4 million plus a lot of gold, just like that.

But you know what? They never accept your culture. I know Thai women here in the US who have lived here for 30+ years and still don't speak English, still don't mingle with anyone but Thai, still won't go to a restaurant that isn't Thai and bitch because there isn't any Thai tv. Very, very, very few Thai women will adjust. very few. It's not worth the hassle. Run Forrest Run.

Hmm I think the same here in Thailand, expats not accepting Thai culture. I know guys that have lived in Thailand 15-20+ years and still don't speak Thai or speak very little. Only want western food, only socialize with other expats, sit around drinking all day and complaining that Thai girls only want their money.

F4UCorsair · May 12, 2013

There's a name for this practice.............it's called prostitution. The mother sells her daughter for a price. Yep, that's it, prostitution.

What about your customs and culture? The more I see of these mercenary people the less I like 'their' culture and customs, but still a great place to take a holiday!!

It's no more than an attempt to grub some money out of the foreigner. Ditch the whole family and start again, maybe in another country!!

Edited May 12, 2013 by F4UCorsair

bander · May 12, 2013

Just what is '5 baht in gold'? 5 baht is only a few cents American, but obviously I don't understand this particular usage.

1 bath gold is 15.244 grams 24K gold, todays price is 20.350.-bath

5 bath gold is 101750,-bath

illdietryin · May 13, 2013

I've never heard before of parents asking for gold for an engagement.

Me either... At least not in the past 24 hours...

illdietryin · May 13, 2013

Not unheard of, but seems very old fashion. With stress on very.

It's certainly 'Old' fashioned.. It started when the first foreigner landed in Thailand, and is still the average Thai parents' favourite card game.... It's called 'Suck Their Blood Till They Die'.. My parents tried a similar hands outstretched palms up strategy when I first introduced my now husband of 30 years, but I stomped on them immediately and demanded they stay right out of our relationship. They did and we lived happily ever after. I suggest this fellow gets his girl friend to do the same. If she won't then she is a card player herself and he would be wise to dump her and look elsewhere.. After all it's not that there is a shortage of hopefuls, is it?

aechzen · May 13, 2013

please no forget !!! if you want to marry her , her parents have to pay you around 300.000 bath ,than you can married her !!

no forget , its important. only stupid man pays for . but if you a nice man and realy love her , than you can say you dont want her money !!.

MobileContent · May 13, 2013

The standard asking price for a village girl in Issan is 200000 baht. Some of this money will be used to kill a buffalo, buy some gold and have a big party.

The standard selling price is 20,000bht, you either mistyped or were misled.

20k ? Yes may be a 40 or 50 year old virgin with no family. I have been to 20 - 25 Thai weddings/engagement parties over the past 2 1/2 years and never seen 20K. Killing a pig (7k), buying food at the market 5K, buying the lady 1 Baht gold around 20k plus the drinks.

ARussell - 200k is far to high or you should get some money back after the ceremony.

Malthus101 · May 13, 2013

"and my gf says her mum wants 5 baht (gold) for the engagement."

READ THE WARNING SIGNS - GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON.

rubberduck · May 13, 2013

Good test to see if she is loyal to you, if not, forget her cuz it's a bad sign.

Suggest her to ignore the parasitic parents who not respect you and take advantage. Instead go together to a temple and do a simple engagement ceremony, just for the two of you. Hire some weddingdress, let a friend of you (who can keep it secret) take some photos. Alltogether it cost you around 3000b.

Thais do not live following the old traditions, they ditched them long time ago. But when they smell money they suddenly refer to some old ritual. BS! Respectful, intelligent, modern parents don't do this crap.

Kananga · May 13, 2013

Tell her you are willing to embrace her tradition as long as her parents are willing to embrace yours (as thats only fair) which means the parents of the bride pay for the wedding. Then show them the list of 500 guests.

rubberduck · May 13, 2013

Good test to see if she is loyal to you, if not, forget her cuz it's a bad sign.

Suggest her to ignore the parasitic parents who not respect you and take advantage. Instead go together to a temple and do a simple engagement ceremony, just for the two of you. Hire some weddingdress, let a friend of you (who can keep it secret) take some photos. Alltogether it cost you around 3000b.

Thais do not live following the old traditions, they ditched them long time ago. But when they smell money they suddenly refer to some old ritual. BS! Respectful, intelligent, modern parents don't do this crap.

rubberduck · May 13, 2013

Tell her you are willing to embrace her tradition as long as her parents are willing to embrace yours (as thats only fair) which means the parents of the bride pay for the wedding. Then show them the list of 500 guests.

Very good one indeed!

Paangjang · May 13, 2013

"Normal" Thai girl, normal scam.

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

Quote of the month man, love it.

Have you ever met anyone who says their Thai girl isn't a normal Thai girl? Other than ladyboys ofcourse!

wprime · May 13, 2013

It's similar to the ring in traditional western engagements. If she cancels the marriage, she must give the gold back, if you cancel it or don't marry her by a certain date, she keeps it.

You only give it if she's still a virgin and it usually enables you to have sex with her (if she's been holding out). It's done to prevent people from taking their daughter's virginity then leaving them.

5 baht is fairly hefty for a non-BKK girl however if she is of some status then it is reasonable.

If she is not a virgin, you should not be giving anything to engage her, though keep in mind if she is reasonably young, her parents may still believe she is a virgin and she will lose a lot of face if try to negotiate your way out of paying on those grounds.

That's good too. Tell Mom that you're going to give her 1/4 baht and a small diamond, however, it will be in the form of a ring that will go on her daughters finger for "safe-keeping". Happy engagement!

That's actually quite common in Bangkok - it's seen as being fashionably westernised. Not sure how well it will be taken in the north though.

bigpanda42 · May 13, 2013

i have also asked my Thai wife and she says its ok......she says 1 baht is about 20000 THB.....so 100000 for dowry is ok.

dont forget its all about the parents having bragging rights to having Farang in family and look what he has bought for me.

if you love the girl and her family and you can afford it......just do it.

Kananga · May 13, 2013

i have also asked my Thai wife and she says its ok......she says 1 baht is about 20000 THB.....so 100000 for dowry is ok.

dont forget its all about the parents having bragging rights to having Farang in family and look what he has bought for me.

if you love the girl and her family and you can afford it......just do it.

I disagree completely. If this girl and her family loves you and they dont need it then don't do it.

eezergood · May 13, 2013

Thailand the hub of matrimonial scams........

rgs2001uk · May 13, 2013

i have also asked my Thai wife and she says its ok......she says 1 baht is about 20000 THB.....so 100000 for dowry is ok.

dont forget its all about the parents having bragging rights to having Farang in family and look what he has bought for me.

if you love the girl and her family and you can afford it......just do it.

i have also asked my Thai wife and she says its ok

Please indulge me, what part of the country is your wife from?

dont forget its all about the parents having bragging rights

Silly me, I naively thought it was about 2 people getting married.

Bragging rights, yeah I can just picture good old khun por having a right old laugh with his lao kao drinking buddies about the feckless farang.

Khum mair getting big face down at the local market boasting and mouthing off along with all the other pak jat (ask your wife what it means) about her dear SIL, referred to as farang.

Great stuff, some fools are so desperate to get married they believe any old BS the Thais throw their way.

The girls mother wouldnt dare try this shit on with another Thai, they would tell her to take a hike.

ALFREDO · May 15, 2013

Just what is '5 baht in gold'? 5 baht is only a few cents American, but obviously I don't understand this particular usage.

In LOS terms it is a lot of money in gold weight, ooooooooop's it's a lot of money to me too.

1 Baht Thai Gold weight, about 15 Gram of nearly 24 Karat Gold,

price, about 22.000.- Baht (can change) - one Baht Gold weight. Approximately 1/2 Ounce of Gold.

ALFREDO · May 15, 2013

The standard asking price for a village girl in Issan is 200000 baht. Some of this money will be used to kill a buffalo, buy some gold and have a big party.

The standard selling price is 20,000bht, you either mistyped or were misled.

20.000 bht for what, when? Sin Sot? If Sin Sot, that is surely not the standard! But the lowest of the lowest Sin Sot I had ever heard off!

ALFREDO · May 15, 2013

Just asked my wife; she says she has heard of it but its not very common. She has heard of Thai/Thai doing it.

Personally, I would still try to resist it, or negotiate a much lower amount.

Just asked my wife as well. She said that it's not normal but maybe they are asking for a down payment. I'm not exactly sure how much 5 baht of gold is worth but I think it's around the $3,000 mark. If that's the case then it's sounds like they are effectively asking you for a deposit. This could be to see if you have the means necessary to pay in the future. BUT it's not normal and my wife wants to ask you how much do they expect you to pay for her? Better safe than sorry, find out that information first. Keep your wits about you.

More near 4.000.- Dollar - 110.000.- Baht. Changes of course,

Deposit yes a high one, because, the parents know, in a long, 3 year engagement, as the Groom to be, wrote off, many things can happen,

even a canceled engagement!

Edited May 15, 2013 by ALFREDO

ALFREDO · May 15, 2013

go marry a chinese girl - they never ask for any thing - very happy and

she just bought us 3 kg of gold bars - but she can afford it -

4.000.000.- Baht > + Does she have an available sister, cousin, niece ?

Jaybonnaza · May 15, 2013

5 baht of gold is not a lot and is normal

I paid 20bahr gold and 500k baht

All returned at the end of the day - gold dropped like a stone so will sit for a while on it.

If good family ask for it to be returned after .

5 baht is not a lot to be fair, chucked 3 baht on Rawai beach week ago after some <deleted> tried to mug me for it- not worth having round your neck! So sell and put back in bank after

thaicbr · May 16, 2013

5 baht of gold is not a lot and is normal

I paid 20bahr gold and 500k baht

All returned at the end of the day - gold dropped like a stone so will sit for a while on it.

If good family ask for it to be returned after .

5 baht is not a lot to be fair, chucked 3 baht on Rawai beach week ago after some <deleted> tried to mug me for it- not worth having round your neck! So sell and put back in bank after

Yer right. You chucked 70k worth of gold away.

Also you didn't pay 20baht gold and 500k. You showed it.... very traditional

Sent from my i-mobile i-STYLE Q6

AnotherOneAmerican · May 16, 2013

"Normal" Thai girl, normal scam.

Sent from my PC36100 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

Quote of the month man, love it.

Have you ever met anyone who says their Thai girl isn't a normal Thai girl? Other than ladyboys ofcourse!

Almost everyone.

Water Buffalo · November 20, 2013

I don't know about the custom in the North, but in Isaan there is no such thing as engagement.

F4UCorsair · December 2, 2013

It may be 'normal' to ask, but only normal to give if you're a sucker!!!

Swelters · December 9, 2013

Some good, informative, and moderate replies here. Thai women are considered a family asset and mostly consider themselves so. This has good sides, children's dutiful care for parents is exemplary and the Thai are as horrified at what they take to be western indifference to family as foreigners are toward what they take to be predatory family demands. When i married I stubbornly refused to put up a big showy bundle of cash in accordance with the local custom but I had financed some Bangkok property for her (which my wife leveraged with bank loans) so she was able to put together a portfolio of assets gifted from me to exhibit at the wedding. This may seem ridiculous but looking back on it years later it all begins to make sense--especially in view of the tremendous return she has been able to achieve with the property--much better than what I could have done.

Often, by the way, parents will give sin sod money to the daughter to say, buy a house.

Very discreet negotiation is the Thai way, regretably delaying the engagement because of "tax problems" or some other fanciful foreign excuse is a good way to go. And probing for the ultimate sin sod expectation is important too. All of this of course assumes that the family are hard working and respectable folk and not not gamblers, alcoholics, etc.