Anyone who has owned an All English car or motorbike (pre 1990's) would understand these...

Obviously the reference is to electrical systems made by the Lucas Corporation.

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they do still have a claim to "sudden, unexpected darkness."

Lucas -- inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas -- inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch -- DIM, FLICKER and OFF.

The other three switch settings -- SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

The original anti-theft devices -- Lucas Electric products.

"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...."

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas torpedo? It sank.

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal
Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much
resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and
asked the owner, "How can you tell one switch from another at night,
since they all look the same?" He replied, "It doesn't matter which one
you use, nothing happens anyway!"

Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and
began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they
offered which didn't suck.

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they
had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas makes refrigerators, too.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.

Joseph Lucas invented the short circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment:
check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times
sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect
your unworthy servant."

Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

I think you should have posted these 'jokes; 40 years ago still they are interesting relics.

I think you should have posted these 'jokes; 40 years ago still they are interesting relics.

40 years ago it would have been quicker to just telephone the other 17 people actually connected to the internet (or ARPANET as it was known then)

Oh really!, What an up to date and perceptive person you are

Note to self: don't feed the trolls.

Very clever well done. Have you got any more good jokes about yourself

Related story, probably more real than joke.

When looking at a second hand Scimitar GTE the first question to ask was, Has it been on fire yet ?

Related story, probably more real than joke.

When looking at a second hand Scimitar GTE the first question to ask was, Has it been on fire yet ?

billd7766,

I have a feeling that like me you must have owned a 'hot' GTE

I did 250,000 miles in a UK 1972 3.0 ltr Ford Granada. 1964 MGB Roadster, many Mini's etc. Can't say I ever had a big electrical problem other than a regulator change. Not sure what your topic is about.

I did 250,000 miles in a UK 1972 3.0 ltr Ford Granada. 1964 MGB Roadster, many Mini's etc. Can't say I ever had a big electrical problem other than a regulator change. Not sure what your topic is about.

Jeez, a joke that's turned into a topic. That's why I love TV.

I think the whole electric joke thing stems from the fact that for most of their lives UK vehicles spent their lives living in a 70 mph hurricane. you know 70+ on the motorway in the rain and at the time electric systems especially on second or third hand cars almost without exception had various electric add-ons done by 'Joe' around the corner so the vast majority of breakdowns were caused by water ingress into various electric components.

The blame was then transferred to 'The lousy electric system' produced by Lucas.

At least in those days you could do a 'temp' repair' eg ciggy packet silver paper around the fuse and get another 20 miles.

I did 250,000 miles in a UK 1972 3.0 ltr Ford Granada. 1964 MGB Roadster, many Mini's etc. Can't say I ever had a big electrical problem other than a regulator change. Not sure what your topic is about.

Jeez, a joke that's turned into a topic. That's why I love TV.

I think the whole electric joke thing stems from the fact that for most of their lives UK vehicles spent their lives living in a 70 mph hurricane. you know 70+ on the motorway in the rain and at the time electric systems especially on second or third hand cars almost without exception had various electric add-ons done by 'Joe' around the corner so the vast majority of breakdowns were caused by water ingress into various electric components.

The blame was then transferred to 'The lousy electric system' produced by Lucas.

At least in those days you could do a 'temp' repair' eg ciggy packet silver paper around the fuse and get another 20 miles.

Yeh, I did that.

I did 250,000 miles in a UK 1972 3.0 ltr Ford Granada. 1964 MGB Roadster, many Mini's etc. Can't say I ever had a big electrical problem other than a regulator change. Not sure what your topic is about.

Jeez, a joke that's turned into a topic. That's why I love TV.

I think the whole electric joke thing stems from the fact that for most of their lives UK vehicles spent their lives living in a 70 mph hurricane. you know 70+ on the motorway in the rain and at the time electric systems especially on second or third hand cars almost without exception had various electric add-ons done by 'Joe' around the corner so the vast majority of breakdowns were caused by water ingress into various electric components.

The blame was then transferred to 'The lousy electric system' produced by Lucas.

At least in those days you could do a 'temp' repair' eg ciggy packet silver paper around the fuse and get another 20 miles.

Yeh, I did that.

I do feel a bit guilty sometimes when I think of the time I spent ages stuffing many pairs of my ex's tights into the rear diff' of a Hillman Avenger to cut the whine down before the buyer came for a test drive.

Many years ago I owned a Mk3 Cortina.

On one journey with a couple of mates the seal between the water pump and the rest of the cooling system started to leak; badly (the pump later fell off!).

So every time the warning light came on we stopped, let it all cool down and then topped up the radiator.

We were in the middle of the North Yorks moors, miles from the nearest tap and only liquid we had in the car was beer; what to do?

Well, the beer did go into the radiator; after we'd drunk it!

(Before any one starts, I was young and stupid; I now know that drink driving is wrong and as the driver I should not have drunk any of it.)

I do feel a bit guilty sometimes when I think of the time I spent ages:sorry: stuffing many pairs of my ex's tights into the rear diff' of a Hillman Avenger to cut the whine down before the buyer came for a test drive.

A whole banana works well on a noisy gearbox too.

Reading the above stuff , should we worry about buying a second hand ride in LOS. .........................

I do feel a bit guilty sometimes when I think of the time I spent ages:sorry: stuffing many pairs of my ex's tights into the rear diff' of a Hillman Avenger to cut the whine down before the buyer came for a test drive.

A whole banana works well on a noisy gearbox too.

Always found sawdust effective too.

Just for interest, photo of the 'hot' GTE

I do feel a bit guilty sometimes when I think of the time I spent ages:sorry: stuffing many pairs of my ex's tights into the rear diff' of a Hillman Avenger to cut the whine down before the buyer came for a test drive.

A whole banana works well on a noisy gearbox too.

Always found sawdust effective too.

Just for interest, photo of the 'hot' GTE

3ltr Ford V6 Essex engine, if l remember correctly. .

It might surprise folk that Lucas supply electrical stuff NOW to Airbus.

It might surprise folk that Lucas supply electrical stuff NOW to Airbus.

Didn't they have a small battery problem

Correct about the GTE engine, 2994cc but later models went down to 278? something I think but had a few extra horsepower.

It might surprise folk that Lucas supply electrical stuff NOW to Airbus.

Didn't they have a small battery problem

Correct about the GTE engine, 2994cc but later models went down to 278? something I think but had a few extra horsepower.

The 2994 was the 3.0 90% Ford Essex V6 which was replaced by the 2.8 Ford Cologne 60% V6.

Didn't they have a small battery problem

No, that was the other lot from across The Pond.

Magneti Marelli electrics used by Alpha Romeo were 1,000,000 times worse than Lucas.

I used to work in a dealers where the mechanics in the second-hand tarting up department used to save their crisp packets in a big box. Whenever a Mini came in the bodyshop boys used to use them to stuff the rotten bodywork at the bottom of the windscreen before banging some filler on and spraying it over.

Didn't they have a small battery problem

No, that was the other lot from across The Pond.

Magneti Marelli electrics used by Alpha Romeo were 1,000,000 times worse than Lucas.

Mate bought a Moto Guzzi 1000s and had to have it completely re-wired in UK. General phrase used at the time was 'Paper mache wiring'.

Years ago we were all riding our Brit bikes (Triumph TR6, BSA Rocket, Norton Commando and an Arial 2-stroke washing machine) along a nice winding country road at night when we realized we'd lost one of the riders. We rode back and found him in a ditch.

His headlight was getting progressively dimmer - so he stood on the footpegs and peered into his lamp to see if it had gone out totally - and went off the road.

Years ago we were all riding our Brit bikes (Triumph TR6, BSA Rocket, Norton Commando and an Arial 2-stroke washing machine) along a nice winding country road at night when we realized we'd lost one of the riders. We rode back and found him in a ditch.

His headlight was getting progressively dimmer - so he stood on the footpegs and peered into his lamp to see if it had gone out totally - and went off the road.

Yeh, rockers did that, us Mods had more sense.

Years ago we were all riding our Brit bikes (Triumph TR6, BSA Rocket, Norton Commando and an Arial 2-stroke washing machine) along a nice winding country road at night when we realized we'd lost one of the riders. We rode back and found him in a ditch.

His headlight was getting progressively dimmer - so he stood on the footpegs and peered into his lamp to see if it had gone out totally - and went off the road.

That promted such a mental picture that my wife came out of the bedroom to find out what I was laughing about all on my own.

Cheers

Years ago we were all riding our Brit bikes (Triumph TR6, BSA Rocket, Norton Commando and an Arial 2-stroke washing machine) along a nice winding country road at night when we realized we'd lost one of the riders. We rode back and found him in a ditch.

His headlight was getting progressively dimmer - so he stood on the footpegs and peered into his lamp to see if it had gone out totally - and went off the road.

That promted such a mental picture that my wife came out of the bedroom to find out what I was laughing about all on my own.

Cheers

What Mods .Me................

Years ago we were all riding our Brit bikes (Triumph TR6, BSA Rocket, Norton Commando and an Arial 2-stroke washing machine) along a nice winding country road at night when we realized we'd lost one of the riders. We rode back and found him in a ditch.

His headlight was getting progressively dimmer - so he stood on the footpegs and peered into his lamp to see if it had gone out totally - and went off the road.

Yeh, rockers did that, us Mods had more sense.

Were you a Mod?

Years ago we were all riding our Brit bikes (Triumph TR6, BSA Rocket, Norton Commando and an Arial 2-stroke washing machine) along a nice winding country road at night when we realized we'd lost one of the riders. We rode back and found him in a ditch.

His headlight was getting progressively dimmer - so he stood on the footpegs and peered into his lamp to see if it had gone out totally - and went off the road.

Yeh, rockers did that, us Mods had more sense.

Were you a Mod?

Yes. BUT, not here. .............. ....Back in early 1960's.