Breaking Up in Thailand

[cgphuket]

Before you play the game, learn the rules.

[jackr]

Stupid control freak, dump her, who cares about "her" culture, you have one too and she should think about that, its give and take except in her case all take.

Unfortunately, they will never take another's culture into consideration even if this were all happening in the chap's home. But although OTT, I tend to agree with the gist of it. They are both adults, they are not married, they ARE NOT living together, she was stringing him along for a time, she mentions he is a 'typical farang' (nice bit of xenophobia there, and how would she know anyway). All this talk of Thai village culture etc, some of you are way off the ball--beetlejuice, you are so green, my friend--it is two way, they both got something out of it, and besides, it is 2013 for pete's sake.

Op, do yourself a favour and go with your gut; don't give it a second thought, you don't owe her anything nd have done nothing wrong.

[rct99q]

This is why many of us cringe when guys say they want to sleep around with “good girls” instead of renting. You said it yourself, this is not New York, with rules and expectations being very different here. Personally I think she is right about you.

By manipulating her into sleeping with you, it should have been clear to you what you were doing. In some circles, having a farang boyfriend and being dumped can affect the way friends and family look at her.

You complain that she isn’t looking at things from your perspective but why would you expect a girl to look at things like a guy? Reread the first part of Boosta’s post. You are getting off easy

Wow, just wow. Who is sleeping around? I'm monogamous -- end of that discussion. I date "good girls" because I'm a decent, hard working guy. That you were inclined to use the P4P scene prior to getting married was your prerogative, but it's not mine.

So I manipulated her, did I? That is nonsense. I started out with sincere intentions. She is 29, a grown woman. We met, liked each other, got to know one another, and there were quite a few bumps in the road. Don't feel obliged to marry her, if that offends your sensibilities, so be it.

"In some circles, having a farang boyfriend and being dumped can affect the way friends and family look at her."

I'm sure that's true. But in some circles back home, particularly those involving my family, giving up on my career aspirations because I've had a Thai girlfriend for a few months could affect the way people look at me too.

You complain that she isn’t looking at things from your perspective but why would you expect a girl to look at things like a guy?

This isn't about a guy's versus a girl's perspective. My perspective is the same as hers -- happiness in one's career is of the utmost importance. There's just a double standard present when it applies to me.

There is so much wrong with what you wrote.

Actually there is a lot more right with what VF wrote then you know. The reply was, I believe. not generated specifically at your life item by item. but a general comment on mixed couples and the dating scene here in Thailand. It is different and not knowing the differences is what leads to this sort of thing happening.

Just curious and please do not infer anything nasty by this, do you and your current communicate in Thai or English? If in English how is her level of understanding? If in Thai are you able to understand her questions fluently?

Not the end all and be all of any relationship but here in Thailand it can be a big problem if you try to interpret what your partner is saying and comparing it to a Western situation (if that makes sense).

Good Luck, here or in the West these things are difficult.

[yoslim]

Once you realise there is only rubbish to be found here you will live a much happier life believe me

Edited June 20, 2013 by yoslim

[morrobay]

They say that breaking up is hard to do - But with some of these girls its impossible²

[Dararasmi]

Was this a lesbian relationship? (Since when do men ask advice regarding the dumping of a Thai gal?)

[stickylies]

Tell her you're gay. She can then tell her friends she left you. Win-win.

[aTomsLife]

“I came to Thailand, started a relationship and am now returning home”

The girl is right.

If the OP was having sexual relations with this girl, and giving her the semblance of this becoming a permanent relationship, than the OP was in fact using her to suit at the time, and if from the beginning he was uncertain of his time period in Thailand, than morally speaking, he should never had began a close relationship with her.

This is a sort of; well, you served a purpose while I was here, but it`s time for me to move on now, byeeee.

If the OP cannot see the errors of his ways, and probably the hurt he has caused this girl, than he still has a lot to learn.

I am sure this pertains to relationships worldwide, not only in Thailand. People have emotions and feelings wherever they come from.

Ah, Beettlejuice, I see it's your usual M.O. this morning: taking one sentence and twisting it out of context in order to get up on your soapbox. I came to Thailand with the best intentions, to teach and live a decent life. The education system here is broken, so I'm returning home to further my education, perhaps come back and teach at an international school. Life happens.

In one of my previous posts, you yourself told me to go home and go back to school.http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/644276-an-education-in-fear/#entry6473660 (post #10 is classic Beetlejuice).

That I didn't come on here and slander the girl is no reason to assume she is a little angel, I'm her first boyfriend and now I've tarnished her image. She is a grown, modern woman who has had her share of relationships in life.

Get a grip.

[David48]

Once you realise there is only rubbish to be found here you will live a much happier life believe me

My experience is different.

I'm sure your bait is good ... thought of changing your fishing hole?

.

[aTomsLife]

Stupid control freak, dump her, who cares about "her" culture, you have one too and she should think about that, its give and take except in her case all take.

Unfortunately, they will never take another's culture into consideration even if this were all happening in the chap's home. But although OTT, I tend to agree with the gist of it. They are both adults, they are not married, they ARE NOT living together, she was stringing him along for a time, she mentions he is a 'typical farang' (nice bit of xenophobia there, and how would she know anyway). All this talk of Thai village culture etc, some of you are way off the ball--beetlejuice, you are so green, my friend--it is two way, they both got something out of it, and besides, it is 2013 for pete's sake.

Op, do yourself a favour and go with your gut; don't give it a second thought, you don't owe her anything nd have done nothing wrong.

This is the most even keeled post in my opinion. There's definitely a generational gap happening in some of the advice being given.

It is typical for her to assume the role of a modern woman when it suits her, but revert back to her "culture" when something is inconvenient. When she was unsure about me, she did a lot of insensitive things to me, essentially taking advantage of my feelings for her. That over time I came to view my relationship with her differently, in my mind, seems justified.

[aTomsLife]

This is why many of us cringe when guys say they want to sleep around with “good girls” instead of renting. You said it yourself, this is not New York, with rules and expectations being very different here. Personally I think she is right about you.

By manipulating her into sleeping with you, it should have been clear to you what you were doing. In some circles, having a farang boyfriend and being dumped can affect the way friends and family look at her.

You complain that she isn’t looking at things from your perspective but why would you expect a girl to look at things like a guy? Reread the first part of Boosta’s post. You are getting off easy

Wow, just wow. Who is sleeping around? I'm monogamous -- end of that discussion. I date "good girls" because I'm a decent, hard working guy. That you were inclined to use the P4P scene prior to getting married was your prerogative, but it's not mine.

So I manipulated her, did I? That is nonsense. I started out with sincere intentions. She is 29, a grown woman. We met, liked each other, got to know one another, and there were quite a few bumps in the road. Don't feel obliged to marry her, if that offends your sensibilities, so be it.

"In some circles, having a farang boyfriend and being dumped can affect the way friends and family look at her."

I'm sure that's true. But in some circles back home, particularly those involving my family, giving up on my career aspirations because I've had a Thai girlfriend for a few months could affect the way people look at me too.

You complain that she isn’t looking at things from your perspective but why would you expect a girl to look at things like a guy?

This isn't about a guy's versus a girl's perspective. My perspective is the same as hers -- happiness in one's career is of the utmost importance. There's just a double standard present when it applies to me.

There is so much wrong with what you wrote.

Actually there is a lot more right with what VF wrote then you know. The reply was, I believe. not generated specifically at your life item by item. but a general comment on mixed couples and the dating scene here in Thailand. It is different and not knowing the differences is what leads to this sort of thing happening.

Just curious and please do not infer anything nasty by this, do you and your current communicate in Thai or English? If in English how is her level of understanding? If in Thai are you able to understand her questions fluently?

Not the end all and be all of any relationship but here in Thailand it can be a big problem if you try to interpret what your partner is saying and comparing it to a Western situation (if that makes sense).

Good Luck, here or in the West these things are difficult.

VF wrote "I think she is right about you", and then proceeded to make snap judgements about my life. So don't tell me his reply wasn't generated specifically at me. Everyone just loves to agree with him... I know VF's status here, he could post about his bowel movements and probably still get a few likes...

To answer your question: We converse in both Thai and English. When we've argued, I've asked her to write to me in Thai explaining herself, that way there's no confusion.

Edited June 20, 2013 by aTomsLife

[rct99q]

So in other words you just wanted to get as many 'opinions" as possible and pick out the ones that suited you so you can justify - in your mind - dumping her without any remorse.

So in that case - yes she was just stringing you along, using you, like all Thai girls do and you have all the more reasons to leave her wailing and crying at her bedside as she lead you on. posh on her, about time the Western men in this country stood up and told these women just what a shambles they are making of themselves. Good riddance to her.

And after a year and half away getting your affairs in order you can come back and try again....and again.....and again......

[rct99q]

Once you realise there is only rubbish to be found here you will live a much happier life believe me

This says a lot more about you than the women in this country. There are millions (literally millions upon millions) of beautiful, kind, available, hard working, women in this country. However you seem to not be able to find any of them! Odd! Or perhaps they (the millions upon millions of women) are not at all interested in you?

Not judging, just saying!

[aTomsLife]

Look, Dude, you did not do the appropriate cultural thing -- you messed around with a nice girl, and now you want to dump her. That's a NO NO in Thailand. That comes as a surprise to a lot of guys who think the easygoing sex scene in some quarters pertains to the whoe society. She's losing big face because of you.

Dude, that's tantamount to saying that as soon as you enter a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a "good girl", you're more or less committing to marry her at some point in the future and that's ridiculous. Thai guys don't do it, why should farangs?

I know several Thai men who play the field with so-called "good girls" with little in the way of drama when they end the relationship.

It's amusing how so many of us accuse Thai women of being pathological liars yet we can't credit them with the ability to tell their families/friends that THEY - not the guy - ended the relationship if they're so keen to save face.

Right on. I don't know what century some of these people are living in. My behavior here has been based on what I've observed Thais my own age (33) doing. Breaking up is not uncommon (though being a monogamous guy is a rarity).

Edited June 20, 2013 by aTomsLife

[rct99q]

Was this a lesbian relationship? (Since when do men ask advice regarding the dumping of a Thai gal?)

Ah yes the - Macho man Brigade - wasn't that song by the Village People - who happened to be all gay!

Again, not judging, just saying.

[Berkshire]

I know several Thai men who play the field with so-called "good girls" with little in the way of drama when they end the relationship.

That's because Thai guys don't typically have relations with Thai girls who are certifiable nutcases. This seems to be the norm with farang guys in Thailand, for whatever reason.

[rct99q]

Look, Dude, you did not do the appropriate cultural thing -- you messed around with a nice girl, and now you want to dump her. That's a NO NO in Thailand. That comes as a surprise to a lot of guys who think the easygoing sex scene in some quarters pertains to the whoe society. She's losing big face because of you.

Dude, that's tantamount to saying that as soon as you enter a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a "good girl", you're more or less committing to marry her at some point in the future and that's ridiculous. Thai guys don't do it, why should farangs?

I know several Thai men who play the field with so-called "good girls" with little in the way of drama when they end the relationship.

It's amusing how so many of us accuse Thai women of being pathological liars yet we can't credit them with the ability to tell their families/friends that THEY - not the guy - ended the relationship if they're so keen to save face.

Right on. I don't know what century some of these people are living in. My behavior here has been based on what I've observed Thais my own age (33) are doing. Breaking up is not uncommon (though being a monogamous guy is a rarity).

So if everybody else is doing it, it is okay? Thai guys do it, why can't I? Oh boo hoo. Perhaps being the better person, perhaps seeing other parts of Thailand then your current location (if in thailand). You might come to realize this "perhaps, was" the case but it is far from the normal nowadays. But stereotypes die hard.....just look at Joeaverages mullet, you would think he was a redneck(by the way, JA - you ain't from Red Deer, Alberta is ya)!

Great attitude, now wonder today's generation is all screwed up.

[aTomsLife]

So in other words you just wanted to get as many 'opinions" as possible and pick out the ones that suited you so you can justify - in your mind - dumping her without any remorse.

So in that case - yes she was just stringing you along, using you, like all Thai girls do and you have all the more reasons to leave her wailing and crying at her bedside as she lead you on. posh on her, about time the Western men in this country stood up and told these women just what a shambles they are making of themselves. Good riddance to her.

And after a year and half away getting your affairs in order you can come back and try again....and again.....and again......

Nonsense. I wanted to hear others' stories. Of course I knew I'd be inclined to agree with some posters more than others. Your sarcasm is tired. You, like many others here, should just write this instead: Farang bad, Thai lady good. I'm a normal guy who came here to work and enjoy his life. That I met a woman and dated her is not tantamount to galavanting the globe, leaving broken hearts and ruined reputations in my wake.

I accept responsibility in that I should change my posting style. I give too much personal information. This same thread could have been started thus: Are there any amicable breakups in Thailand? All my friends have had a lot of drama. What say you?

[AnotherOneAmerican]

So in other words you just wanted to get as many 'opinions" as possible and pick out the ones that suited you so you can justify - in your mind - dumping her without any remorse.

So in that case - yes she was just stringing you along, using you, like all Thai girls do and you have all the more reasons to leave her wailing and crying at her bedside as she lead you on. posh on her, about time the Western men in this country stood up and told these women just what a shambles they are making of themselves. Good riddance to her.

And after a year and half away getting your affairs in order you can come back and try again....and again.....and again......

Every relationship is one person using another.

When you get tired of using, you move on, don't look back.

Thai men all know that, some foreigners seem a bit slow.

@OP

Don't tell her you are going, don't discuss with her, just one day be gone.

As Paul Simon suggests, slip out the back Jack.

Edited June 20, 2013 by AnotherOneAmerican

[aTomsLife]

Look, Dude, you did not do the appropriate cultural thing -- you messed around with a nice girl, and now you want to dump her. That's a NO NO in Thailand. That comes as a surprise to a lot of guys who think the easygoing sex scene in some quarters pertains to the whoe society. She's losing big face because of you.

Dude, that's tantamount to saying that as soon as you enter a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a "good girl", you're more or less committing to marry her at some point in the future and that's ridiculous. Thai guys don't do it, why should farangs?

I know several Thai men who play the field with so-called "good girls" with little in the way of drama when they end the relationship.

It's amusing how so many of us accuse Thai women of being pathological liars yet we can't credit them with the ability to tell their families/friends that THEY - not the guy - ended the relationship if they're so keen to save face.

Right on. I don't know what century some of these people are living in. My behavior here has been based on what I've observed Thais my own age (33) are doing. Breaking up is not uncommon (though being a monogamous guy is a rarity).

So if everybody else is doing it, it is okay? Thai guys do it, why can't I? Oh boo hoo. Perhaps being the better person, perhaps seeing other parts of Thailand then your current location (if in thailand). You might come to realize this "perhaps, was" the case but it is far from the normal nowadays. But stereotypes die hard.....just look at Joeaverages mullet, you would think he was a redneck(by the way, JA - you ain't from Red Deer, Alberta is ya)!

Great attitude, now wonder today's generation is all screwed up.

Doing what? Playing the field, seeing who is the best fit for themselves, rather than sticking with one person for fear of sullying one's reputation? Don't boo hoo me, you're the one whining.

Additionally, since you seem to care, I live in Central Thailand, 3 hours north of BKK.

Edited June 20, 2013 by aTomsLife

[roiethome]

Don't take too much to heart......she will have another lined up before your plane leaves the runway,,,,,,majority of them are psychotic nutters ...just be very careful and stay safe......watch for the brothers,cousins,etc

I am sure she will be over this when a new "ATM" appears on the scene.

Change the locks, even if she does not have keys she may sweet talk security into letting her in - and then just walk away and put it down to experience.

many more fish in the seas of bangkok

[Dararasmi]

Was this a lesbian relationship? (Since when do men ask advice regarding the dumping of a Thai gal?)

Ah yes the - Macho man Brigade - wasn't that song by the Village People - who happened to be all gay!

Again, not judging, just saying.

The Village People!? What are you on about? And, no, they were not "all gay". The singer, for one, was straight (like myself). Oh, and the song is called Macho Man. (As it happens, I own the bass guitar used on their biggest hits. Funny, eh?)

[iancnx]

Apologies for generalisation in advance. no other way to give a coherent response.

Some of the comments to the OP are amazing. Same old throw away remarks about Thai girls, money, watch your back you're in danger etc. These comments just expose those posters of never really having a relationship in Thailand where (I suggest) money is not a significant factor. The OP girlfriend is educated, has a secure and respectable job and has expectations of marriage and family no doubt. She is not a bar girl, or a HiSo milking the cow.

For the OP. she kept you at arms length for a good while. This is indicative of a respectable girl who insists on a good deal of time to properly suss you out. How did you feel when she finally committed to you and presumably shared your bed? No doubt pretty good. Do you express your love for each other outside of the physical relationship? I suspect the answer is yes.

In my experience this for her means total commitment with a reasonable expectation of a long term relationship possibly leading to something permanent. The expectation here in Thai (in the circumstances you describe) is culturally far different to the Western "three dates, and on the fourth you get laid, or alternatively she refuses to you again".

Another factor not to be underestimated is she is 29. I have been advised on a number of occasions that Thai girls over the age of 25 find it significantly more difficult to date perceived perfect guys than their younger counter parts. So, not to be too insensitive, she already has a mindset that she is past her sell by date. If she is a beautiful girl it is difficult for the farang to grasp this significant point.

Hope the above helps in understanding what this relationship might mean to her; she will not give you up easily. I suspect she loves you far more than you imagine, and she may appear selfish and hypocritical in order to keep you here!

If a long term relationship is not on your horizon currently my advice is be very very clear with her, be specific ...... Much kinder that way.

[villagefarang]

Everyone just loves to agree with him... I know VF's status here, he could post about his bowel movements and probably still get a few likes...

I’ll have to save this one for posterity and perhaps use it to remind my friends in the CR forum how popular I am.

[sawadeeken]

Here is something from YOUTUBE that will fit right in to answering this question. Have a look and you may understand what has just happened in your break-up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=E3pjq0WAupc

[AlphMichaels]

Will the real Dr. Phil please reveal yourself. Oye!

[BhaktaJosh]

If you want to stay in Thailand, Webster University has a Global M.A. program in Hua Hin, and Bangkok. It is a well reputed American Liberal Arts School based in St Louis. "Webster University's ranking in the just-released "America's Best Colleges" 2013 edition of U.S. News & World Report moved up from 28th last year to 24th in the Regional University-Midwest category."

I am considering going there in the fall. Classes are cheap, and you can qualify for American financial aid. You will graduate with the much coveted American degree.

As for the girl, that one is entirely up to you, as are the consequences.

http://www.webster.ac.th/

[spidermike007]

Thanks boosta, that was a great reply. We, however, are not living together. She would never go for that.

At present, we are still a couple. She is trying to get me to change schools. She says there are Thai schools of good quality, and that it isn't necessary to work at an international school in order to have a stable work environment. I am considering this option. As you say, she is still the woman I've cared about to this point. Nevertheless, with ASEAN around the corner, and Thailand growing leaps and bounds, an M.Ed would create much needed stability for me, before deciding to start a family here.

Thanks boosta, that was a great reply. We, however, are not living together. She would never go for that.

At present, we are still a couple. She is trying to get me to change schools. She says there are Thai schools of good quality, and that it isn't necessary to work at an international school in order to have a stable work environment. I am considering this option. As you say, she is still the woman I've cared about to this point. Nevertheless, with ASEAN around the corner, and Thailand growing leaps and bounds, an M.Ed would create much needed stability for me, before deciding to start a family here.

One accepts guilt if one wants to. It is a voluntary move. I myself do not prescribe to guilt on any level, and when someone tries to lay some on me, I remind them that I simply do not do guilt, so they are wasting their time, and they need to come up with a more reasonable, logical, and intelligent way to allow me to see their point of view. The bottom line here, is that you had no commitment, and if you allow her to guilt you into staying, you are doing yourself a tremendous disservice, and all that will come of it will be very low self esteem on your part. Be strong. Be a man. Buck up. Do what you need to do.

[Neeeko]

Don't worry about it.. Thai girls a very emotional.. I've broken up with 3 and they are all the same: Tears and a massive guilt trip

[aTomsLife]

Apologies for generalisation in advance. no other way to give a coherent response.

Some of the comments to the OP are amazing. Same old throw away remarks about Thai girls, money, watch your back you're in danger etc. These comments just expose those posters of never really having a relationship in Thailand where (I suggest) money is not a significant factor. The OP girlfriend is educated, has a secure and respectable job and has expectations of marriage and family no doubt. She is not a bar girl, or a HiSo milking the cow.

For the OP. she kept you at arms length for a good while. This is indicative of a respectable girl who insists on a good deal of time to properly suss you out. How did you feel when she finally committed to you and presumably shared your bed? No doubt pretty good. Do you express your love for each other outside of the physical relationship? I suspect the answer is yes.

In my experience this for her means total commitment with a reasonable expectation of a long term relationship possibly leading to something permanent. The expectation here in Thai (in the circumstances you describe) is culturally far different to the Western "three dates, and on the fourth you get laid, or alternatively she refuses to you again".

Another factor not to be underestimated is she is 29. I have been advised on a number of occasions that Thai girls over the age of 25 find it significantly more difficult to date perceived perfect guys than their younger counter parts. So, not to be too insensitive, she already has a mindset that she is past her sell by date. If she is a beautiful girl it is difficult for the farang to grasp this significant point.

Hope the above helps in understanding what this relationship might mean to her; she will not give you up easily. I suspect she loves you far more than you imagine, and she may appear selfish and hypocritical in order to keep you here!

If a long term relationship is not on your horizon currently my advice is be very very clear with her, be specific ...... Much kinder that way.

Thanks for your insightful, mature, non judgemental response. Worth reading more than once, surely. Cheers.