How Do You Keep A Relationship Healthy?

[TopChinese]

Good discussion, Dumpster.. I wish more guys put in some thought in their relationships the way you did.

About outgrowing your bfs, doesn't that suggest that you haven't been growing with them? What is so different about you now that you feel that they can't be with you anymore? And is the difference so vast and unbridgeable that you will give up XXX years of living together?

I always thought it is possible to grow old with someone, because you can grow with him. A lot of couples deal with it in various ways, open relationships where they explore other avenues together or separately, tolerance and temperance in some relationships where one partner accepts the other for what he is and puts up/gives him space to grow. When two people want to stay together, there are always ways and means of being able to accomodate the inevitable changes that time will bring.

[PeaceBlondie]

I don't know how it is for other people, but when I move in with someone, or start a relationship, I don't know who they are, and vice versa. As we get to know one another and realize our differences, those differences include goals, drive, ambitions, etc. You don't have to be Thai to have very limited goals or ambition; my wife was a blonde White lady. I always had more energy than she did, and I moved beyond her (discovering, among other things, that I was gay) . She had thoughts, but seldom acted on them.

Dumpster, I think you're wise to focus on yourself without analyzing your lover too much, or expecting him to analyze you. My Thai b/f is very accepting that I am who I am, and he tolerates my idiot-syncrasies.

[jdinasia]

Generally PB .... I prefer to know someone BEFORE moving in with them. Life doesn't always work like that though Dating is about getting to know someone.

[DUMPSTER]

TC, the reason why I ended my past relationships was because we grew apart. I grew and realised I had little in common with my b/f's and so the differences were unbridgeable. Sometimes you just have to accept this instead of fighting for something that is a losing battle. The easier you accept the less likely you are to suffer.

JD, I think dating is the start of finding out about someone, but living with the person is a whole new ballgame.

PB, I think from my understanding of what you are saying is that, you don't really know someone until you live with them, which I agree with.

[PeaceBlondie]

Yes, dumpster, you don't know much about a person until after you've lived with them a while.

Question for you: do you think, in the period of 2 to 3 years, that you grew so much, so fast, that you got way ahead of the b/f? Or did each of you finally discover that you hadn't been in the same place to begin with?

Like "Anna and the King," I teach students in Thailand a song, "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...."

[DUMPSTER]

I think a bit of both. I probably entered the relationship half asleep and it took me 2 or so years to wake up and see that what I was getting anything from, and I wasn't giving anything to, the relationship and so to continue wasnt in either of our interests.

I think most of us enter a relationship with the best intentions but maybe one or both somewhere along the line realize it's not working. Then you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. That I think is where many start to have problems.

[Steve2UK]

Like "Anna and the King," I teach students in Thailand a song, "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...."

[Forgive the brief detour off-topic....... PB - you know that show's banned in LOS? ]

[jdinasia]

Hmmmm on the note of Keeping relationships healthy .... during this upcoming long weekend we are going camping/rafting I think .... take some time out to destress before the big move

[DUMPSTER]

I think it's great when you can spend quality time together doing some kind of activity that you both enjoy.

At this time, I would dearly love some time with my B/f but although we have Friday off, we both have private classes to teach.

Actually, i've never been happier with a guy than with my current b/f and although our work load is a bit to excessive, I think, that as we both understand why we are working so hard, our relationship is quite healthy despite it and it can only get healthier.

jd, enjoy the break together and good luck with the move.

[DUMPSTER]

Last week my b/f said something that I found amusing. He was walking past a hairdressers, after doing an aerobic workout, and all the staff and some customers were outside because of a power cut. He was wearing fairly tight shorts and a t-shirt. He said, he thought about flirting with the guys outside but he had to remember that he had a husband! He said this laughing and he had a huge smile on his face. I said, yeah right, of course I believe you.

Now wether he flirted or not doesn't bother me at all as I do this at times aswell. A smile here and a look there. But what do you do when someone takes the bait and gives you a come on? How do you stop yourself from cheating? I thought my b/f's way of reminding himself that he had a husband was rather a cute way. So, how do you stop yourself with all these temptations walking the streets Or can you not resist?

Edited June 19, 2006 by DUMPSTER

[jdinasia]

Rather depends on what your rules are ... for yourself and in your relationship

[DUMPSTER]

ah yes the rules! In my relationship, we have never discussed rules. In fact my b/f has never once questioned me about where I was or what I was doing. I've been in relationships where my every movement was questioned.

[PeaceBlondie]

Pardon me, Dumpster, but your last two posts confused me. If you and your b/f have never discussed rules about whom you have sex with, it's no wonder that he's testing you like this: "He said, he thought about flirting with the guys outside but he had to remember that he had a husband! He said this laughing and he had a huge smile on his face."

When I was still a free man, my previously-current houseboy and I were at a club with a friend. Houseboy wanted to go off with my friend, and he 'got permission from me' by pretending it was a joke: "I go off with your friend, ha ha, joke?" "Yes, mai bpen rai, okay." We had to go through the routine again before he understood my permissiveness. I didn't own the houseboy.

Dumpster, I'm only guessing, but maybe your b/f is ready to discuss limits now.

[DUMPSTER]

Dumpster, I'm only guessing, but maybe your b/f is ready to discuss limits now.

Really, I never looked at it that way. Maybe you are right. I have mentioned going to a sauna together before but he seemed against the idea, the same as when I metioned 3somes. Our sex life is certainly non exsistant and needs spicing up somehow.

I always feel uncomfortable talking about sex with him. I guess that goes back to my childhood when my parents never once mentioned anything to do with sex.

[ChrisP]

I think in all relationships, the sexual end tends to wane the first.... usually after about 2 years...

Sometimes it's actually all that's been holding it together.

I do, however, think it's good to know what the agreed sexual ground-rules are...

ChrisP

[Papa_Lazarou]

I think in all relationships, the sexual end tends to wane the first

Yes, my 'sexual en'.....

..............I feel I have wandered into the script of a 'Carry On' movie.

Yet, ...........who is Kenneth Williams, who is Charles Hawtry and ...........which of you is Sid James?

Mmmm. Matron.

[PeaceBlondie]

Two regular sex partners absolutely need to know if the other partner is having sex with outsiders. They need to have clear understanding, even if that is total monogamy.

With cultural and language barriers, communication is more difficult. If either one doesn't know how to discuss it, the other partner needs to help them.

Yes, that houseboy did that another time, too, testing me by making it appear to be a joke. Luckily, both times I knew he was asking permission, and I gave it, and he did what he wished.

[DUMPSTER]

I think in all relationships, the sexual end tends to wane the first.... usually after about 2 years...

Sometimes it's actually all that's been holding it together.

I do, however, think it's good to know what the agreed sexual ground-rules are...

ChrisP

I agree with that Chris. I had a relationship that was all about sex and nothing else. When the sex part started to wane the relationship fell apart.

As for rules, i'm not sure you need rules. Isn't monogamy the only way to go in a true relationship?

In my case, I guess the reason why we never discussed rules is that we both feel monogamy must be the only way a relationship can succeed. Once you agree to extra sexual partners you open up thoughts and feelings that can only do a relationship more harm than good. Jealousy being the number one problem.

Of course thinking monogamy is the best path and dealing with sexual frustration can be very difficult indeed.

[dukkha]

The emotional monogamy is my priority and thus far our including a third person from time to time has not diminished that for one nano second...if ya wanna destroy a relationship fill it with jealousy, it is a guaranteed element of destruction and one that brings pain of intolerable measure..also we discuss this about our relationship almost weekly and nothing adverse arises..we all know sex is just one component of a loving relationship, but honesty is the balm that salves.. Dukkha

[DUMPSTER]

The emotional monogamy is my priority

I like the sound of that too

Do you think a relationship going from monogamous to open changes it in anyway. Is the trust still there? Is that mental bond still there. Do mind games start up once the rules change?

This bothers me somewhat as I have a relationship where I dont have to think about what he is up to and I wouldn't want him thinking either. We have made a very big commitment together having a business and buying a house, all 50 -50, and I like it this way. I wouldnt want extra sex with others to spoil what we have emotionally.

This is the happiest I've ever been with a person but sexually I've never been more frustrated.

Edited June 22, 2006 by DUMPSTER

[PeaceBlondie]

There are a lot of straight marriages out there, too, with very little sex and a lot of companionship. If both partners are truly happy with that, okay. But usually, one of them is getting a fraction of the sex they want, and that's important to them.

Let's just say I've been down this road. You absolutely have to have as much honesty with this as both partners require, but the outside fun and games cannot be emotional. He wouldn't want you to use the same outlet (man) too often, for fear you'd start a relationship of emotional or romantic love. He'd want to be sure that it's anonymous or commercial, not even friendship.

Your mileage may differ, and I have often been mistaken.

[ChrisP]

In my case (several years ago) the start of "The Open Relationship" was the start of the end of the relationship itself.... it took a while to realize that WAS the start (there were probably other contributing factors too..) but yes, stuff changes FAST when you go there....

ChrisP

Moderator

[jdinasia]

Chris ...

Absolutely NO sarcasm in this question ...

Are you sure the relationship hadn't started to end BEFORE you decided to have it be open? Usually "going open" is an attempt to save it! Kinda like buying a dog or ....

[Ijustwannateach]

A good older friend of mine tells me that virtually all the long-term relationships he knows of are either officially open relationships or covertly open ones...

I'd sorta assumed *you* had an open relationship, JD, considering your frequent posts about saunas... guess I was wrong?

"Steven"

[PeaceBlondie]

Speaking of saunas, if you go to one, you usually don't have your pen and paper, or your mobile, right on hand to record names and numbers of a new "contact." That's why the encounters truly are anonymous. Contact, but no names.

[DUMPSTER]

Usually "going open" is an attempt to save it! Kinda like buying a dog or ....

oh well that's it for me then . I've just got a cat.

Edited June 27, 2006 by DUMPSTER

[DUMPSTER]

Speaking of saunas, if you go to one, you usually don't have your pen and paper, or your mobile, right on hand to record names and numbers of a new "contact." That's why the encounters truly are anonymous. Contact, but no names.

Haven't you been followed back to the locker room?

From the cubicle to the shower was when i'd have to make my escape and try and lose the guy for fear he wanted to pursue things further. Those were the days!

[jdinasia]

A good older friend of mine tells me that virtually all the long-term relationships he knows of are either officially open relationships or covertly open ones...

I'd sorta assumed *you* had an open relationship, JD, considering your frequent posts about saunas... guess I was wrong?

"Steven"

Feel free to "assume" anything you wish!

[jdinasia]

and this to the top

[jdinasia]

So ... what ... if anything ....

Have you done this week to keep your relationship healthy?

This week my interaction has been very limited ... so I took time out to send a card ... and chat online ... and make a long phone-call telling him how much having him in my life means to me!