Am I just a farang bank to her?

[sdshaman]

Gump, do you mind if I call you that? Because it's easier for when I tell you what to do next. Take of the leg braces and let them legs do the work.

I'm a newby so yes I'm still learning about Thai customs and culture. But it's simple yes you need to acknowledge her culture it would be rude too but like everything in life its a two way street. She needs to also accept your culture. Would you marry a homeland girl so quickly?

Answer is probably a no, so why would you with a Thai girl?

Yes my other half has talked about marriage and I've stated that yes I love her but marriage is a big step and we need to allow time for the relationship to develop.

Many confuse love with lust.

As for family and money, yes most will want to look after their parents as they get old (50ish is old in Thailand? ) I've told her that this is a good thing to do but 55 is no old and the my parents both in the 60's are still working so no rush to look after them.

Also I've stated from the start that if she wants a future with me she needs to work and save.

Basically what I'm saying is start as you mean to carry on, because once you start you cannot back peddle.

If I found a homeland girl that was as caring as her I would already be married to her! This girl skypes me in the morning and nigt at least every day. She always is concerned for what I am doing and understands things about me. The sad thing is she can read english better than she can understand it and we can be sitting next to each other having a conversation and half of it we might have to skype to each other. lol but I am not concerned with that. I am concerned because now that I am here she is not making an effort to do things with me like I thought she would. We have not had a lot of alone time to know each other. She says : I am who I am, what else is there you need to know?" so then I am stuck in this cross culture relationship conversation tat she quickly gets bored with... How about your favorite color, or things you like??? lol I talked to her today about that and it sounds like she is going to make more effort. But then her mother says something in thai that I do not understand and our relationship seams to jump back to about money. I am having a serious talk with her father tomorrow about everything because he is compassionate and speaks pretty good english. He knows I will take good care of his daughter, and be his retirement! Although he may become one of my best employees also! He is interested and he knows what someone needs to know to work with me... lol

[TheNativeSon]

So much "sound" advice from the "farang kwai" community, but not one suggestion that you get an "English Speaking" Thai lawyer first (they're everywhere in Chiang Mai),before you spend even one baht on that internet gold-digger). What's wrong with you, sir? Have you taken TOTAL leave of your senses? Again, get a lawyer's advice, and stop panhandling for advice, on this forum. It's time for you to WAKE-UP to reality, fr heaven's sake.

[darren84310]

Wanting to spend quality time with someone is human nature, nothing to do with culture.... if she's avoiding that and hiding behind excuses, however plausible they may sound... then she simply isn't that bothered about spending time with you.

Good luck

[chiang mai]

So much "sound" advice from the "farang kwai" community, but not one suggestion that you get an "English Speaking" Thai lawyer first (they're everywhere in Chiang Mai),before you spend even one baht on that internet gold-digger). What's wrong with you, sir? Have you taken TOTAL leave of your senses? Again, get a lawyer's advice, and stop panhandling for advice, on this forum. It's time for you to WAKE-UP to reality, fr heaven's sake.

Do you have any idea just how ridiculous that statement is, "get a Thai lawyer", to advise on a relationship matter between a national and a farang, I'm oddly lost for words on this one!

[sdshaman]

Run!

To where? I am not interested in bar girls or brothels.... Nobody else will put up with my work... she doesn't have a problem with it... hence some of the attraction regardless of cost. What is it worth to have someone who really cares about you? I have spent several months trying to develop this relationship. I am looking for real world help, knowledge and suggestions to try and make the best of this. That is why I asked that only people knowledgable in Thai tradition to answer. I can see your concern and often think this myself, but if you read about my work in some other posts and know that I am going to question her father with some of the suggestions from here ,tomorrow... maybe you could actually offer me some rational advice ! Thanks for your post tho

[sdshaman]

So much "sound" advice from the "farang kwai" community, but not one suggestion that you get an "English Speaking" Thai lawyer first (they're everywhere in Chiang Mai),before you spend even one baht on that internet gold-digger). What's wrong with you, sir? Have you taken TOTAL leave of your senses? Again, get a lawyer's advice, and stop panhandling for advice, on this forum. It's time for you to WAKE-UP to reality, fr heaven's sake.

Do you have any idea just how ridiculous that statement is, "get a Thai lawyer", to advise on a relationship matter between a national and a farang, I'm oddly lost for words on this one!

If there was a way to mark this as the best post I would! This is the advice I was looking for. Guess where I will be in the next day or so! Thanks

[FiftyTwo]

Put yourself in the woman's position for a moment, you have two motivators, one to support your parents financially and the second to get married and make a life of your own, don't tell me that the two (very powerful) objectives can't be met simultaneously. Also, there is a cultural precedent here for sin-sod, it's not as though this woman (or others) simply dreamed it up.

There is no cultural precedent for an uneducated shop keepers daughter with a 6 year old child to expect 5M.

50k maybe, 100k she would need to be pretty and under 30.

[BarneyRubble]

I can only give advice on my own experience and Thai friends.

I know of people who actually work with their family to befriend rich farangs to drain money and eventually take whatever they can get. I asked them if they feel bad, they simply replied, no. Thai's can be heartless sometimes which at times worries me, I am not talking about all Thai's. If you understand the Thai language you would hear people talk with one another about money and generally this is the top topic.

My girl friends (friends) tell me that it’s quite common to have many boyfriends on the go and often they sit with their friends who they speak to in Thai and their farang boyfriends sit there while they speak in Thai about their Thai boyfriends. This is a game to them; farangs must understand this just as teenagers play around in the west. If they go out partying often, then the chances of finding this kind of girl becomes much stronger. Its also common for Thai’s to black out and go crazy from nothing, they watch a lot of rubbish on TV that has corrupted their minds. The programmes are full of greed and deceit and then add social pressures and the need to support their families. From one minute you will see patience and the traditional Thai way and then the next they blow up.

They have been drilled into supporting their family; this is their number one goal. Their happiness is looking after their parents, brothers and sisters. Having someone who comes along and seems to have money, this is a their perfect situation. Again this is not all Thai's, there are many who would have nothing to do with foreigners and there are some who are genuine (this is a general comment but I would have to write a thesis on this to go through different types of people and sub categories blah blah blah). There are even sign languages they pull to express their opinion of foreigners when they walk past them. Let’s be honest, to them we use their country as a party place, drinking, sleeping with working girls and treating it like a dump. Although I am very different to this, the bad points and a few individuals stand out to them. Just like in the UK right now with a few individuals from Eastern Europe come over to ride on our benefit system, there are a great deal of people from the same countries who work hard to earn a living but we quickly forget about these people as we are often told by the media that we are being taken for a ride. The culture in Thailand is very different and since living there, I still know nothing and frankly I don't think they want me to know.

As for my wife, I am married to a Burmese woman who has been in Thailand for quite some time. I was not asked to give a dowry although this is quite common and people should expect to offer something to the family. The wealthier the family are, the more the individual who is marrying is required to pay (in most cases). If you are a farang or Thai, this tradition still exists. I have known people to marry and give a dowry and then receive the money back after the ceremony to complete the tradition (in wealthy families). My wife is caring and loving, she takes good care of me and always has done and I would like to think I also do the same. I have offered many times to give money to her parents but she wants to do this herself. She worries that this could create issues in our relationship. We are still learning about each other even after 3 and half years, which is perfectly normal especially as the culture is so different between the both of us. Whatever the case, individuals no matter if you are from different cultures or not, both have to want to offer, respect and lovingly care about each other. Once the honeymoon period is over, we discover that our partner has just as many faults as us.

We have forgotten our fundamentals on how to sustain life on this planet, we have become completely out of sync and the Thai's are no exception although they hide it much better with their “Buddhist” greetings. Under their welcoming traditions there is a fire burning to survive and support their families out of survival and traditions that have carried over for many years. Also consider the fact that most westerners get involved with poor Thai's. Imagine getting involved with a girl from the UK who is from a deprived community, with little education etc. The relationship in most cases will become difficult, its not her/ his fault, they lack certain building blocks to a sustainable relationship and now days, this has become common for not just deprived but for all classes. We still need to offer tolerance and respect. There are so many points to this question, but I think in your own heart, you know whether this is going to work past the desire for the individual during the first couple of years of meeting. We often carry our own culture as think that perceptions are similar but this is some cases couldn't be any different.

I don’t know everything and in fact I know very little except when you meet another human being, it seems to be on the same or similar levels to your own personal human development. If you are old and have met a young beautiful Thai, do the math as this in most cases turns into disaster. I am not a pro on sociology and I don’t pretend to be, I can only give my own experiences and views based on my own experiences. There are people out there with good intentions towards you and there are people who are there to teach you a very valuable lesson in life. We often have the best chance to learn about ourselves when it turns out not the way we wanted it to go.

One other thing, I never planned to write this much so I don't blame you if you decide not to read it all.

[HardenedSoul]

I think 7 pages is indulgence enough for this guy.

Very few people can be so stupid as to not realise that a situation like the OP's isn't a disaster waiting to happen.

19 year old girl, late 30s/early 40s Western guy so clueless that he's handing out cash to the family of a girl he met online. Not only that, but the girl is manipulated by her mother into keeping the focus of the relationship on money.

There's no more talking to be done; bin the girl. If he likes her so much, he should come back in a few years when she's capable of thinking for herself because right now, he's nothing more than a buffalo that can speak.

[FiftyTwo]

Run!

To where? I am not interested in bar girls or brothels.... Nobody else will put up with my work... she doesn't have a problem with it... hence some of the attraction regardless of cost. What is it worth to have someone who really cares about you? I have spent several months trying to develop this relationship. I am looking for real world help, knowledge and suggestions to try and make the best of this. That is why I asked that only people knowledgable in Thai tradition to answer. I can see your concern and often think this myself, but if you read about my work in some other posts and know that I am going to question her father with some of the suggestions from here ,tomorrow... maybe you could actually offer me some rational advice ! Thanks for your post tho

Rational advice is to give her and her family nothing.

[sdshaman]

Wanting to spend quality time with someone is human nature, nothing to do with culture.... if she's avoiding that and hiding behind excuses, however plausible they may sound... then she simply isn't that bothered about spending time with you.

Good luck

True. I did talk with her today about how serious this was for me. She works all day with her mom and will not leave her side because she worries about her working alone. She says we can talk between customers. I told her that tis isn't quality time together. So then she suggests that I pay for a trip for her family to go to the sea and we can have lots of time together. Then I told her "alone" together. I told her I understand she works all day. I am there in the shop with them so I see how busy they are. I told her after she is off work we can hang out. She compromises and says ok sometimes alone sometimes with family. I can't say know if she comes to a compromise like this because at least she is trying. The problem I have is her mom and sister can get real annoying when I want to talk with her alone. I now there is no way to stop this but am trying to decide if everything else is right enough to put up with it?? But yes you are right I feel that she isn't bothered about not spending quality time with me. Then I think that she has never had a bf before and really doesn't know what quality time is with someone because she only knows her family. I took her on a boat ride up the Ping river and she thought that it was the most beautiful day! So I reminded her of that. So she says take me to the sea then. which of course means being with her whole family and paying their way, which I am really burnt out on!!!

[balo]

So many posters keep feeding the troll. He is having a laugh at you.

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[FiftyTwo]

Wanting to spend quality time with someone is human nature, nothing to do with culture.... if she's avoiding that and hiding behind excuses, however plausible they may sound... then she simply isn't that bothered about spending time with you.

Good luck

True. I did talk with her today about how serious this was for me. She works all day with her mom and will not leave her side because she worries about her working alone. She says we can talk between customers. I told her that tis isn't quality time together. So then she suggests that I pay for a trip for her family to go to the sea and we can have lots of time together. Then I told her "alone" together. I told her I understand she works all day. I am there in the shop with them so I see how busy they are. I told her after she is off work we can hang out. She compromises and says ok sometimes alone sometimes with family. I can't say know if she comes to a compromise like this because at least she is trying. The problem I have is her mom and sister can get real annoying when I want to talk with her alone. I now there is no way to stop this but am trying to decide if everything else is right enough to put up with it?? But yes you are right I feel that she isn't bothered about not spending quality time with me. Then I think that she has never had a bf before and really doesn't know what quality time is with someone because she only knows her family. I took her on a boat ride up the Ping river and she thought that it was the most beautiful day! So I reminded her of that. So she says take me to the sea then. which of course means being with her whole family and paying their way, which I am really burnt out on!!!

How old are you?

How old is she?

How come a hairdressers daughter and family all speak English?

Sound like serial foreigner scammers to me.

Maybe "quality time" for her, is not being alone with you.

Just a thought.

[Scottythai]

No offence bud. But you seem to miss the key point that everyone else is hitting on. She asked you for 5 Million Baht. That's beyond nasty. Think as you will and read what people are saying but are you telling me 5 million Baht did not set alarms off in your head. I think no. 50% of the replies here all mention it and you have been ducking it like its the plague. You need to think about that slowly and carefully.

[sdshaman]

I think 7 pages is indulgence enough for this guy.

Very few people can be so stupid as to not realise that a situation like the OP's isn't a disaster waiting to happen.

19 year old girl, late 30s/early 40s Western guy so clueless that he's handing out cash to the family of a girl he met online. Not only that, but the girl is manipulated by her mother into keeping the focus of the relationship on money.

There's no more talking to be done; bin the girl. If he likes her so much, he should come back in a few years when she's capable of thinking for herself because right now, he's nothing more than a buffalo that can speak.

Good one! I kind of feel like a buffalo that can speak... better yet, when she gets flustered moo'ing, or whatever buffalo do, is a better term!

[chiang mai]

I've made too many posts on this subject already but I've done so in an attempt to bring something of a balance to the argument, I reaffirm that all of the views I have put forward are ones I believe in.

But before I get dragged out to dinner, permit me one last piece of advice:

Emotionally you're in a tough situation else you wouldn't be here looking for inputs, good luck with what ever you decide. But if you can't agree the amount of sin-sod with the family, please don't don't make them lose face and please don't embarrass yourself in their eyes, better you can part company as friends who cannot agree a deal than to vent your spleen over the differences between your views of love/money and theirs. Sin-sod is nothing more than a business deal, it's not a personal aspect of the relationship between two people.

Over and out.

[mimi9000]

Stop this nonsense and disappear.

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[tingtongtingtong]

pay nothing more and watch how she looses contact with you.

They are trying to get 2 weddings out of you with this engagement scam.

Tell her that she has to fulfill your tradition first and she has to fly to you home country on her fathers money and he has to pay for the wedding and everything, maybe 5 million baht (sell the business)...tell her she will get it back (then some) when you fulfill her tradition and marry her in Thailand.

...then do one with the money

[Halion]

Get out of it now ! You are culturally and emotionally disadvantaged and will become a mere statistic in the monumental number of Falangs that are taken to the cleaners by the imposition of a bogus cultural set of scenarios that are only applied in order to separate you from your money.

There are many more fish in the sea that do not bite so hard.

[thaigold]

Put yourself in the woman's position for a moment, you have two motivators, one to support your parents financially and the second to get married and make a life of your own, don't tell me that the two (very powerful) objectives can't be met simultaneously. Also, there is a cultural precedent here for sin-sod, it's not as though this woman (or others) simply dreamed it up.

There is no cultural precedent for an uneducated shop keepers daughter with a 6 year old child to expect 5M.

50k maybe, 100k she would need to be pretty and under 30.

What needs to happen here is for this guy to get a couple of Thai dudes to bounce this off of. In spite of the Thai soaps, Thai men rule the roost. The woman gives a Thai guy the lip? Smack! Until a Farang can speak Thai with males in the Thai realm, he has no business even considering marriage to a Thai woman. Lesson over.

[sdshaman]

No offence bud. But you seem to miss the key point that everyone else is hitting on. She asked you for 5 Million Baht. That's beyond nasty. Think as you will and read what people are saying but are you telling me 5 million Baht did not set alarms off in your head. I think no. 50% of the replies here all mention it and you have been ducking it like its the plague. You need to think about that slowly and carefully.

I do understand that bro, but this is her parents manipulation for their retirement plan. And maybe that will never go away hence it was all a lost cause. But when I said that was rediculous and walked away her father came back with you decide. Either way, I am talking to her father tomorrow about all this. That Is why I post here, to get the real worlds opinions... and thanks for yours!

[RtotheC]

One of three possible scenarios for all these guys telling the OP he's being scammed:

1 - they were scammed themselves so they speak from experience, but so many people are that stupid?

2 - they heard that this is what Thai women do and they're just propagating rumour, now that is stupid.

3 - they have no idea and are just giving a popular answer to upset the OP, you can guess what that is!

Or it could be that most of us are intelligent enough to know that if you meet a girl on the internet from any country and within days of meeting there's already talks of marriage and money it's generally going to end bad; couple that with Thailand's reputation and it's an even worse idea.

But that would be just assumption on your part, just because it doesn't fit the western model it must be a scam, right!

Western model or not there is a thing called common sense that applies across the board. If you marry someone you're in love with and want to be with that's fine, but flying somewhere to marry someone you've never met and whose family is demanding large sums of money seems a tad bit irrational and illogical.

The very fact that OP is doubting her intentions indicates distrust. Why would anyone want to pay large sums of money to marry a women he doesn't know and doesn't trust?

[kingalfred]

Get out of it now ! You are culturally and emotionally disadvantaged and will become a mere statistic in the monumental number of Falangs that are taken to the cleaners by the imposition of a bogus cultural set of scenarios that are only applied in order to separate you from your money.

There are many more fish in the sea that do not bite so hard.

bogus culture more like, where does honesty,trust,loyalty come into Thai culture?other than immediate members of a family.

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[paulyd2k]

it`s string around the wrists, chains around the ankles,lol, walk now very quickly, or really try to do it without to much money involved and see if she still likes you,lol, make up an excuse saying you cannot access your money and see if she says don't worry, only suggestions, but you may be lucky, but could cost you dearly also.

[blabth]

My gf gave me 2000 Baht the other day and sent me off to have a few beers for a couple of days.

The money is fast running out though....what should I do?

Only can tell what you should not do Don't go home to early as may be there will be a different face where normally your face should be.

2000baht for a couple of days? Is not even enough for a bar fine

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[tingtongtingtong]

YES YOU ARE JUST A FARANG BANK TO HER

repeat

YES YOU ARE JUST A FARANG BANK TO HER.

I have been married and divorce to a Thai women. (I'm only 31)

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED 100%

You wont listen, you have invested too much now, the real question should be how much more time and money are you willing to loose and how difficult of a life's lesson are you going to make this for yourself?

Will you be able to bounce back from being financially and emotional drained?

You

are going to be bankrupt and they rolled on to the next plane or in a ditch.

Find a women who is closer to your age, financially sound and education and pay nothing... You must have very low selfesteam...you can do it! Get out now!

Imagine if rich asian men went over to the UK or the US and threw money around trying to marry kids just out of high school or dole scum, smackheads and trailor trash, boardline homeless or people with social and emotional disorders...you would think you were mad!!!

My current Thail girlfriend is richer and smarter than me and has a great family and will get nothing money wise from me regarding weddings and junk...hell she's sending money to the UK to ME!

[Hardened Spanker]

So much "sound" advice from the "farang kwai" community, but not one suggestion that you get an "English Speaking" Thai lawyer first (they're everywhere in Chiang Mai),before you spend even one baht on that internet gold-digger). What's wrong with you, sir? Have you taken TOTAL leave of your senses? Again, get a lawyer's advice, and stop panhandling for advice, on this forum. It's time for you to WAKE-UP to reality, fr heaven's sake.

Do you have any idea just how ridiculous that statement is, "get a Thai lawyer", to advise on a relationship matter between a national and a farang, I'm oddly lost for words on this one!

If there was a way to mark this as the best post I would! This is the advice I was looking for. Guess where I will be in the next day or so! Thanks

Exactly which part of "You're being played like a fiddle" is it that you're not understanding here?

[brit1984]

seems you've fallen in love with a girl but haven't consummated the relationship yet

such circumstances can be a weak point emotionally for even the strongest of men

i recommend to keep your brain switched on at all times

[mickjn]

I didnt read to much.Mum,Dad,her then small and Dads small daughter,good night

[Hardened Spanker]

FWIW I think that's what they are doing, it's just that the process is slower than the OP might wish. I also don't believe from what the OP has written subsequently that even if sin-sod is paid and they are married, he will never ever break or diminish the relationship between daughter and mother, it's not possible. She will always be looking for ways to support her parents and improve their quality of life, even if 5 mill. were paid up front, that's the way it is and he shouldn't get involved if he can't accept that! Can't knock the ethos really, the alternative is an old people's homes in Brighton and being beaten up by carers who don't give a jot.

Well, the OP isn't quite ready for a care home yet being "only" double the age of his 19 year old betrothed.

Imagine that; a 19 year old Thai girl - with a 12 year old mentality - for a wife

OP needs his head examined

Coming from someone who can't even keep hold of a 37-year old bargirl?