Dilema

[ThaiPauly]

OK Guys (and many of you are friends)...you that know me personally may be surprised by this ..but I have a problem.

My Wife has a Son...he is 13 now.

Everything between My Wife and Him was fine until we married 2 years ago. He lived in Surat with his Uncles, Auntie's and Cousins whilst his Mother worked all the hours God sent in a beauty salon in the Big Mango to support him as his Dad had Piss@d off (usual scenario, after beating her half to death) A year ago her Son decided that he wanted to move BACK to the place of his birth BK and all of a suden the FATHER was taking an interest in his Son again and now he lives with Him and his Father's New Family.

What happend was that just after My Wife had been to Surat Thani to settle him in his new school, buy his new uniform paid 15,000 baht for everything....his Dad came to Surat to collect him and take him back to BK whilst my Wife was travelling back on the train to CM. My Mrs was distraught, inconsolable..cried for days...

A year on... Songkran he was in Pitcholek... 450 klks from CM.. I drove down there as my Wife wanted to see him. She phoned him to say we were almost there and that we would meet him at the Temple..half an hour away.. when we got there he was gone..she phoned him and said he could not wait five minutes longer...so on we drove till we eventually found him at a relative's house.. 15 mins later it was all over.. "DO you Love Mamma"? My Wife said "Why do I have to tell you now" he said.

Obviously My Wife was very upset by this.. we had driven 450 kliks for this 10 mins worth of <deleted>.

She left in tears, throwing down money on the floor for him.. I managed to get them in a cuddle..but it was short lived and they have not spoken since.

I said "F33k him.. but She is his Son.. the problem is that ever since things have not been good for us..she is permanatly thinking she has lost her Son.. Maybee becuase she married a Farang, that is her problem for her Son.. I have tried to talk to her about this but she just WILL NOT TALK ABOUT IT

This is putting enourmous strain on our Marriage.. things are not what they were. I have told her she MUST speak to her EX and sort this out.. Her Son has NEVER been up to CM to visit, although he said he would if she paid him 200 baht a day!! To which I obviously said <deleted>..although she would do ANYTHING to see him.. I won't be blackmailed.

We are due to go to the UK in the next few weeks ..I have now told Her she is NOT coming and that she should use this time apart to build the bridges between her and her Son

Am I right or wrong,?,surely She HAS to talk to her EX to sort things out. I divorced the Wife of my 3 kids 20 years ago..but I still get on with every one of them..mainly because I kept up a dialogue with my Ex....she even came here on holiday this year as I have a Son that lives here. It was not easy at the time..but it had to be done for the sake of my Kids..now I reap the rewards of this.. but with Thais its all about this bloody FACE thing.

Things are going down hill fast .. anybody got any ideas as I am at the end of my teather over this.

I do not want to leave her..or she leave me...BUT..unless she can reconcile things with her Son ..things will always be bad. He is a very bright boy with Univeristy potential..but all he wants to do is go in the Army.. whilst all his cousins who are not as clever as him want to go to Universiity although their parents do not posses the funds to send them..This little shit does not know how lucky he is..ie I can afford to put him through University.. but her Son is just not interseted

Where do I go from here?

PS Please don't flame me...this post has taken me a lot of guts to post

TP

[Guest endure]

I don't have any sort of answer for your bigger problems, TP, but if the boy wants to go in the army why do you think you have the right to insist he goes to university? Apart from anything else, at 13, he's far too young to start making career choices and will probably change his mind 10 times before the time arrives when a decision needs to be made. There's no point in getting angry about something that may never even happen. Are far as the face thing goes, that's the way it is. Face is not an optional extra - it's part of the pqckage.

[phuketsiam]

Sounds like the Father ahs been poisoning the Son's mind against his Mother, and I would spectulate he using the "She married a Farang" line, maybe hinting that people only marry farangs for money, she's whore etc.

Because you will have little or no infulence in Father/Son's minds the best thing is to get senior family members involved, thire words carry most weight, tell Wifey to get her Parents and older Brother if she has one to talk to the Son, remind him of who he is and whol took care of him. I bet the working in BKK while he was in Surat is weighing on her mind, we all the assumptions everyone one wil jump to and its al ammunition for turning the boy against his Mother, and it looks like thats what Dada been doing.

Either that or just kick Dad's head in

Sorry TP, nasty problem to inherite, but when you marry a Thai ..., still I;m sure you will find a way, remember, be patient, and GOOD LUCK

[Phil Conners]

I'd stay way out of it, let her sort it out with her family.

You're in a no-win situation.

[GuestHouse]

Is there any more senior member of the family you can talk to? Perhaps a grandparent or perhaps and aunt/uncle who may be able to intercede, or at least give an insight into what is going on.

If so try that aproach and try to get others to lay pressure on the lad to come to terms with his mother. At least try to get the father involved and help him to understand that you and the mother are willing to support the lad through college etc.

If things continue along this path of non communication I'd then take a pragmatic outlook and consider where you stand if things do get worse. I always take the view that if push comes to shove then the family will pull together - outsiders are always outsiders.

I've oftne posted on the question of what happens when the Thai wife of a foreigner has a child from a previous Thai marriage, there are significant issues relating to child care, child raising, education and not least of all inheritance.

So, I'd go with two prongs - One try to get the family to help you, your wife, her son and her ex address the problems while at the same time consider making moves to protect yourself if all else fails.

[abdulrahman]

No Pauly,I think nobody will flame you,most of us expat married with a thai have similar problems.

My stepson,now 9years old,did not accept me when we married,and the fact that is father died,and his mother was a widow when we met,didn't help either,the boy,used to be spoiled by her mother resent the fact that he's not longer the full attention that he was used to;at school his grades are bad,but I cannot say anything,only pay:extra lesson hours,english teacher,to no avail.Of course my wife doesn't understand that her help is needed:it's HER son,she protects him always.

Don't know how it will end.Have my simpathy,sorry can not help with counsel.Good luck.

[ThaiPauly]

Is there any more senior member of the family you can talk to? Perhaps a grandparent or perhaps and aunt/uncle who may be able to intercede, or at least give an insight into what is going on.

If so try that aproach and try to get others to lay pressure on the lad to come to terms with his mother. At least try to get the father involved and help him to understand that you and the mother are willing to support the lad through college etc.

If things continue along this path of non communication I'd then take a pragmatic outlook and consider where you stand if things do get worse. I always take the view that if push comes to shove then the family will pull together - outsiders are always outsiders.

I've oftne posted on the question of what happens when the Thai wife of a foreigner has a child from a previous Thai marriage, there are significant issues relating to child care, child raising, education and not least of all inheritance.

So, I'd go with two prongs - One try to get the family to help you, your wife, her son and her ex address the problems while at the same time consider making moves to protect yourself if all else fails.

Guest House

I have always admired your posts..they always make sense..however her family lacks BALLS ..My Wife's Father is a Headcase..supported by the family and all her Brothers don't give a toss..it ain't thier Kid..if you see my point.. he runs around with a machette threatening his Children..only in LOS

Personally if I was back home and he was my Dad I would get him commited ..but this is not Farangland..unfortunatley

[ThaiPauly]

It will probably be for the best if those that have met me DO NOT contribute here.. PM me

Thank You

[mark45y]

I have a daughter that my wife insisted go to college. The child did not want to go to college she but did it under duress for four years not graduating and eventually joining the armed services where she is doing pretty well. I think many young people could use a stint in the Army to mature a little bit and then maybe decide on college.

I went to college and then got drafted so I have seen both worlds and the army was not for me but each person is different.

If your wife was not present during most of the initial period of child rearing, the child does not have much of a bond with her.

My significant other was in the same situation. Her daughter was raised by her parents. I see them frequently and it is amazing the attachment the young woman (21) shows to her grand parents and the lack of attachment she shows to her mother.

I can’t say for sure but I would imagine a boy who was raised without mother or father present would have a lot of resentment.

I know it bothers my lady that her daughter does not really like her but I think that is the trade off for not being present to raise her.

At 15 there is not much you can do. 15 is a rough age even if the family has been together and everything is wonderful.

I would not imagine whatever your wife does it will make things any better. I know what I would do but I do not know your wife. Mine is a very devout Buddhist and I would tell her to take a week off and go to the Wat. This seems to calm her and take care of most problems. In any event good luck.

[warriors]

I would still make the trip to the U.K. alone. Time to think when you are alone. You will see things clearer. Let the dust settle. As Guest House said protect your self while you are away in the U.K. the best way you can re your $$$$ in Thailand if it all goes Pear Shape.

On your return to Thailand, what will be will be. If she picks her son over you then it is better you are out of it. It will hurt but you will see the real story.

Do not chuck money at this problem it will not help.

I really wish you all well. Have a safe and try to have a happy trip.

[Jeff1]

Thats exactly what I would do . Leave for the UK alone . Then you will see where you stand and in what capacity .

Guesthouse had a good reply but I know how the inlaws can be . Mine are the same way . Nobody wants to say or do the wrong thing , so they say nothing . Well , not to her anyway .

I wouldn't worry about it to much as long as you love each other , you can work it out .

Best wishes ,

Jeff

[phibunmike]

Do not try to deal with too many problems, focus on the main one: as endure said, whether at this age he wants to go to university or the army is irrelevant right now - cross that problem off the list. The problem is his relationship with his mother and its effect on your relationship with her. Focus on the second one of those, by addressing the first if necessary. Focus.

IMHO

Good luck.

[dereklev]

Do not try to deal with too many problems, focus on the main one: as endure said, whether at this age he wants to go to university or the army is irrelevant right now - cross that problem off the list. The problem is his relationship with his mother and its effect on your relationship with her. Focus on the second one of those, by addressing the first if necessary. Focus.

IMHO

Good luck.

Sound advice Mike.

Pauly, IMHO you have to deal with the problem you have with your wife head on. Tell her your feelings whether she wants to listen or not. Maybe whilst you travel to the UK she will come to her senses and see you for the good man you are.

There is not much you can do about her relationship with her son. That is a problem for her to sort out with your support.

I don't think that this is a particularly Thai issue or a matter of face. In England warring parents bribe and manipulate kids and clever kids play the parents of aginst eachother.

I personally would have paid the 200 Baht a day for him to spend time with his mother. Yes it is blackmail but on such a minimal scale! Surely an outlay of less than 3 quid a day is no price to pay to have avoided the stress you are now under.

Good luck Pauly.

Just my 2 satangs worth.....

[Jai Dee]

Some very sound advice so far TP...

The army may be the best thing for him too...

[Simmo]

A good example of why not to get involved with single mothers.

If you didn't do the crime, you don't do the time.

[ThaiPauly]

A good example of why not to get involved with single mothers.

If you didn't do the crime, you don't do the time.

You have GOT to be the <deleted> in your Avitar

[ThaiPauly]

We have sat down for a long talk today..I have told her that she has to try and resolve this or she will never be happy and as a consequence of her not being happy neither will I.

She will not however call her ex-husband.. she reckons that when he changes school in 2 years he will need a lot of money ..money which she feels her ex does not have...but I said its crazy just to wait 2 years for a call for cash...she cannot bribe him then..the longer there is no communication between them ..then the harder it will be to re-establish it

As we are not paying anything towards the boys upkeep now I have suggested that we send her ex money every month so she cannot be accused of not financially supporting him.

There is also no way that it will finish our marriage..its too strong..its just not as good as it was since this problem raised its head.

In my book when you have a problem ..look it in the eye and DEAL WITH IT.. and move on..She says its not my problem ..but it IS!

Her Son gets no School holiday till September ..I have to go back to the UK next month..so I will take her with me..and maybee clear off somewhere in September with a Mate so she can TRY and get some time with him.

But I don't know if this re-union will take place.It certainly will not unless I keep nagging her..She seems to accept that it is her destiny not to be with her Son (very religious Woman)

Anyway than you all (except Simmo) for your imput..and a very special Thank You to those who PM'd me.

TP

[ThaiPauly]

Mods: Please close this thread now

Many Thanks

TP

Edited due to sloppy spelling mistake

Edited May 30, 2006 by ThaiPauly

[soic]

I wanted to quickly add my two cents if it's alright. Personally, I had a teenage stepson (American) and I now have two Thai Step-Sons. I ask that you don't leave her alone in Thailand. If the father is poisoning you wife's relationship with her son, he will be able to do so even easier with her alone. You can rest assured that it won't do anything to help your relationship. The distance may help her to see things more clearly and the son may not be so hostile towards his mother if she's not "close" to be a vent for his anger. It's easy not to see somebody when you choose not too, it's much more difficult when you CAN'T, because they're not there anymore. The mind and heart have a chance to work a little, because that's all they have left. Those are my thoughts anyway, for what they're worth. You can bet that the father and son won't do anything to help ease her mind and heart, they'll try to destroy ever bit of love and dignity that she has...

Good luck!

[chonabot]

A good example of why not to get involved with single mothers.

If you didn't do the crime, you don't do the time.

A real mature and well though out answer.

c0ck

[ThaiPauly]

I wanted to quickly add my two cents if it's alright. Personally, I had a teenage stepson (American) and I now have two Thai Step-Sons. I ask that you don't leave her alone in Thailand. If the father is poisoning you wife's relationship with her son, he will be able to do so even easier with her alone. You can rest assured that it won't do anything to help your relationship. The distance may help her to see things more clearly and the son may not be so hostile towards his mother if she's not "close" to be a vent for his anger. It's easy not to see somebody when you choose not too, it's much more difficult when you CAN'T, because they're not there anymore. The mind and heart have a chance to work a little, because that's all they have left. Those are my thoughts anyway, for what they're worth. You can bet that the father and son won't do anything to help ease her mind and heart, they'll try to destroy ever bit of love and dignity that she has...

Good luck!

Thanks for your comments and your Pm Soic..but her Ex and Son will have NO idea that she will be away....all the damage has already been done.

Thank you

TP

[soic]

If the father is as vindictive and mean as you say (which I have no doubt), there is always the potential for more harm. When someone is mean, they never reach a level where they can say "that's enough". If she's left alone, I don't believe that they'll let her be forgotten and out of the way... I believe that he'll go out of his way to do as much more damage as he can. He'll try to get the boy to hate her an you even more than he already does. My father was that way... I used to get beat as a kid, just because I looked like her side of the family... Irish, when my father was of Italian lineage. Don't ever think that ALL of the potential damage is done...

[udon]

Closed at OP's request.